Shifting into a new phase of detachment

[WearyMom18]

Hi Everyone - It's been a week or so since my last update. I've been struggling with some overwhelming feelings of worry and some difficulty with remaining on my mission to detach from my Difficult Child.

She most recently experienced actually being homeless, refusing to even consider a shelter and making desperate pleas of me to help her. That, for me, was one of the hardest things I have dealt with it seems. Realizing that your child is actually homeless, sleeping outside, scared, dirty and begging for help.

I started having major headaches, relentless insomnia and lack of appetite over the stress that I wasn't completely consciously aware of - I know that sounds strange but it was like I was functioning and living but the stress of it was eating away at me until I finally realized that her homelessness was actually severely impacting me.

After just 3 days on the street, she called and said a friend had paid for a hotel room for her and he was staying there too. She said she had gone to a restaurant that is within walking distance and they hired her to bar-tend after she told them she was homeless and was desperately looking for work. She reported there yesterday and said she filled out her paperwork and started training. She said she has to get TABC certified to do the job and was excited about doing that.

I told her that I or her Dad would come and get her at anytime but she has to turn herself in and take care of her legal problems. That is her out. I was very clear and said she absolutely has a way out of this miserable existence she tells me of, but it comes with the condition that she go and take are of her problems. After hearing that, at first, she told me that is terrible to tell her - that she can get out BUT she has to go to jail. I held fast. She called again and before I could say anything she said, if her job doesn't work out, she will come home and turn herself in.

I kind of feel like a win on that one.

She heard what I had to say, she was calm and collected and polite and then I heard what she had to say and we agreed, for once! We agreed that she is making her own choice and I am allowing her to do that without any objection -it's her life, her choices. I extended my help of a ride back home, a shower and a meal and then a ride to the jail. She could take it or leave it - for now - she's leaving it but I think I got her actually thinking about what is best for her.

She is dreading jail of course, and wanted me to guess at how long she would to be there which I can't tell her but I think she's actually realizing that there is not avoiding the law - she will have to go to jail sooner or later. I reminded her that she already has two charges in two different counties - she should consider getting off the streets before she gets a third charge and then REALLY has some time to serve. She agreed.

Our conversations are pleasant right now, she calls me once a day and she is finally showing respect in the sense that she's not asking me for money - she's figuring it out.

I'm coasting along for now...learning how to adjust to the ever-changing flow of events with her but I think I'm going to be okay.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I was very clear and said she absolutely has a way out of this miserable existence she tells me of, but it comes with the condition that she go and take are of her problems

And THAT is helping. Not enabling.
You have given her an out that you can live with, and that is "the right thing" in the eyes of most people. Still her live, her choice - but you are not refusing to help, just refusing to help on her terms. The terms are yours.

Good job.

 

[Childofmine]

Weary, this is great news! I know it's not "all pretty" and everything, but it is progress.

Hang in there. Take care of YOU. Do something extra special and kind for yourself today.

 

[Jabberwockey]

she told me that is terrible to tell her - that she can get out BUT she has to go to jail.

Something she will eventually come to realize is that this WILL happen eventually, even if she turns her life around. I did a hit confirmation once on an active warrant on an escaped offender who had gone to Florida. He had turned his life around, owned his own business, married with children, the whole nine yards. He went back to prison. I don't know what happened to him afterwards but even if he went back and that was still all there waiting for him, it was a MAJOR upheaval in his life when he could have just fixed it.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I started having major headaches, relentless insomnia and lack of appetite over the stress that I wasn't completely consciously aware of - I know that sounds strange but it was like I was functioning and living but the stress of it was eating away at me until I finally realized that her homelessness was actually severely impacting me.

Even when we are coping well, we suffer. This is why we need to take serious "me" time. Especially when we believe ourselves to be coping miraculously well. Whatever it is that calms you WearyMom, that is what you need to do, now. If there is no time, watch the sun rise for ten minutes.

You are worth that ten minutes.

There was a time when I thought I was handling everything. One more thing happened. The headache I had that night was very severe.

And I don't get headaches.

In your tool box should go The Serenity Prayer for insomnia. Its rhythms will comfort.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

One of our moms here on the site, at the end of her patience with me I am sure, told me to read it over and over until I got it. I did that, WearyMom, and it worked.

There are no atheists in foxholes.

As you go through this time with your child, you will need to be strong. None of us knows what is coming, next. Good nutrition is mandatory for you. Look at it that way. I have fallen into a grazing kind of eating habit. Probably from wandering around wide awake when the Serenity Prayer didn't work. Apples, cottage cheese, grapes, peanut butter on banana slices, popcorn, Earl Grey tea, stuff like that. Try to be present to it, when you eat.

Envision caring deeply for yourself in all that you do.

There is nothing easy about any of this.

The stress will affect your health. Take every action you can to counter its effects.

She said she had gone to a restaurant that is within walking distance and they hired her to bar-tend after she told them she was homeless and was desperately looking for work. She reported there yesterday and said she filled out her paperwork and started training. She said she has to get TABC certified to do the job and was excited about doing that

Oh, that is so good; so good.

I told her that I or her Dad would come and get her at anytime but she has to turn herself in and take care of her legal problems. That is her out. I was very clear and said she absolutely has a way out of this miserable existence she tells me of, but it comes with the condition that she go and take are of her problems. After hearing that, at first, she told me that is terrible to tell her - that she can get out BUT she has to go to jail. I held fast. She called again and before I could say anything she said, if her job doesn't work out, she will come home and turn herself in.

You handled this beautifully.

I'm coasting along for now...learning how to adjust to the ever-changing flow of events with her but I think I'm going to be okay.

I think you are, too.

You need to take better care of yourself as you go through it. It is a promise we make to ourselves. The other promise we make, whether we are aware of it or not, is to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of the good outcome.

So it is very important that you choose taking good care of yourselves, and of your marriage.

Cedar

 

[Jabberwockey]

I love the serenity prayer but cant use it. I cant help but revert back to a version from my youth where the wisdom line is just a tad bit less....well, serene.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I love the serenity prayer but cant use it. I cant help but revert back to a version from my youth where the wisdom line is just a tad bit less....well, serene

What do you use instead, Jabber?

I will try to find you something.

I have that quote box thing going on, you know.



Cedar

I am trying to think how D H sees all this.

"You are not involved in word games.
You are fighting for your spirit, your sanity, your soul."

I don't know where I got that one.

I would add that you are fighting for Lil, too. D H fought for me that way. It was a lonely time for him, to fight his mate, to stand his ground, for the sake of his mate and his marriage and both our lives.

He did it, though.

He got us through.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Sorry for the delay. I just cant get the line "And the Wisdom to hide the bodies of the people who pissed me off" out of my head when I hear that now.

Honestly, my mantra has pretty much become "It could be worse" but its not terribly helpful in high stress times like what happened Sunday though.

 

[InsaneCdn]

"It could be worse"

From some unknown source:

Cheer up, they said, it could be worse.
So cheered up.
And sure enough, it got worse.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

The same kinds of things have happened between my D H and our daughter, Jabber.

That doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make it anywhere he ever wanted to be with his child. Both times, she was physically attacking me. Something snapped.

He put a stop to it.

It was too ugly to accept. He acted out of reflex.

None of us knew what to do with that after it was over either, Jabber.

Shame and anger and this sense of shocked disbelief that this potential was even in us, that we could be that person, that this could have happened to all of us.

Regret.

Similar things have happened with our son. That was male on male though, and our son had not attacked me.

Each of us, if we have been at this long enough, has been where you are, Jabber. Surviving this stuff gets to be one shocking revelation about who we are at the far edges and nothing works and nothing helps.

We get it.

You are a good man.

Now you know a little more about who you are. So does your son. Together, you go on from here. Love is stronger than what happened.

We learn as we go, Jabber. There is no way not to pull a trigger we didn't know existed. Once we know the trigger is there, we are able to avoid that particular trigger in future.

But there will always be another.

They say the broken places are where the light gets in (or out).

No one said it (growth or self knowledge or the development of compassion) was pleasant.

Only people who have never had to live it think that.

I am sorry this is happening, Jabber and Lil.

You are strong, and you are determined, enough.

Cedar