So Disappointed!

[DenitaS]

difficult child 1 is living with my sis, I told her (sis) that it was her choice but, she would not stay here. Her response was I can't stand knowing that ANYONE is sleeping in a park. I just shrugged and left it alone!
We have may VERY clear boundaries with difficult child 1. You can call from here to here and come on these 2 days. My goal was to set some structure in our lives and try to have some sort of normalcy! She thinks I am a horrible mother and how can I turn my back on her. I choose not to respond to those statements.
BUT, on to difficult child 2! she is 16, OD'd 2 months ago and has been on lock down mode, earning things back weekly based on her behaviors. Things have been going GREAT!! We had a sense of Normalcy!! She leaves for school yesterday morning, everything is good! I never hear from her after school? HMM?? That is NOT good! Get off work, drive home and find that she is gone (along with her stuff) She also took my jewelry box and other things in the house that she could carry and wanted! We are BEYOND angry and SO disappointed!! We called the police and filed her as a runaway and reported our stolen property!
We spoke to the officer and have decided that the "law" in no way protects parents! We are not allowed to change our locks to protect our belongings. WE will probably not be able to get the theft charges passed through the DA's office because she is a resident of the household so they don't consider that theft!
SO, what do we do from this point forward? I OBVIOUSLY can't quit my job and stay home to protect our stuff!
WE plan to put a pad lock on our bedroom door and lock everything left with any value in there! BUT, if she does come in and kick the door down we still will probably not be able to get charges on her.
It is SO FRUSTRATING!! and UNREAL!!!
Any suggestions from you guys who have been there done that?

Thanks! DenitaS

 

[JJJ]

Who said you can't change your locks? Sure you can. You may be required to give her a place to sleep but she doesn't need free reign over the house.

 

[klmno]

You most definitely should be able to get theft charges to go thru if she stole something that was clearly yours- such as your jewelry and jewelry box from your bedroom. The rest of what you mentioned probably would be difficult to go thru. I'm not sure how much getting the judicial system involved would really help matters though- more than likely she'd end up on probation and you'd be required to keep her supervised more, meaning it could cost you your job. That is similar to what we went thru and yes, it cost me my job. It sounds more like shee needs substance abuse treatment to me. The courts might be able to help from that end- both in getting her in an inpattient place for a while and monitoring her when she gets out with the possibly of sanctions if she doesn't comply. If it was me, I'd shoot for that if I couldn't get my difficult child to willingly go to a substance abuse program.

 

[DenitaS]

The police said that we cannot lock our doors because she is a minor and that is her home. Same reasoning we received on why we can't press theft charges! It is a big CIRCLE with NO help from law enforcement.
As for substance abuse, when she od'd it was on my brother in law anti anxiety medications, i had them do a full drug screening on her and it came back clean. I think she is just a spoiled brat who isnt' getting her way. I found out some disturbing information (may be true, may not be true) about her seeing a MAN that is 23 or 24 years old. I am now debating if I want to dig deeper or let it play out. I am just so tired of living my life this way and a little break would be nice. I know that she was trying to get pregnant before and as we ALL know we cannot lock them up 24/7 and watch them! I am just so disappointed in her!! EVERYONE was caught SO off guard because she was doing really well and things were going well at home! Who knows what goes through their minds! On a good note, she did take her medications with her!

 

[Star*]

So that jewelry box---------it was your YOURS but you just realized that IN IT - was some of your MOTHERS belongings that she asked you to keep for you and now SHE wants to file charges. (insert any family member here for MOTHER) that will HELP YOU.

 

[Suz]

Ugh, this brings back memories so you certainly have my sympathies.

Of course you can change your locks! You might not be able to prevent her from "living" there but there's no law that says every family member has to have a key. It's ridiculous for them to say that.

Invest in a fireproof safe with a numerical combination for jewelry, cash, extra keys etc. Don't use any number combination that she might recognize. Hide this in your bedroom.

I would recommend a built in deadbolt for your bedroom instead of a padlock. We tried the hasp and padlock when Rob was living at home and he just got out a screwdriver to undo the hasp. Easy as pie! If you can find a deadbolt that has a numerical combination that would be ideal and a good way for her not to steal a key and make a copy.

I started wearing a fanny pack at home with car/house keys, some money, cell phone, etc. I locked my purse in the bedroom where Rob couldn't get to it.

It's terrible to have to live this way in your own home. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Suz

 

[DenitaS]

I think we are going to get a solid door with a doubled key lock for our bedroom! AND screw the windows down. husband also wants me to look into security systems so we know when she is coming and going! I guess NOW is the time to detach and let what will be be! Thanks for all of your kind words and support! JEEZ!!

 

[klmno]

Check with your local fire dept before screwing the windows down- and keep in mind, it normally takes special permission to lock a minor in a room. And yes, at least here, it is illegal to lock a minor outside the home they live in. But you certainly can change the locks and not give the minor a key. When my son snuck out at night and I woke up and saw he wasn't here and had left doors unlocked, they did not cause me any grief over locking those doors but they said it was because I called police and reported him as missing so I obviously wasn't trying to get rid of him or make him go away and not come home.

 

[katya02]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would be careful about screwing the windows down too, for your own safety - maybe consider breakout bars (I think that's what they're called) that provide protection from exterior entry but have some mechanism to collapse if you need to get out quickly? A combination safe, fanny pack, and nothing of value left out in the house might thwart future attempts at theft. Not the way you want to live, but if there's no help from local authorities you may have to. And if your difficult child turns up with any 'friends' you can certainly call police on them. A security system that chimes when ANY exterior door opens is a good idea. We had that and it helped when difficult child 1 was sneaking out our basement door and/or letting in friends with booze. Our difficult child 1 did some damage to the house and kicked in an exterior door but husband wouldn't have him charged, so I don't know what our local police would have said. But I did lock up everything of value and he never stole things like TVs or computers - just cash and medications. So we didn't have to completely lock everything down.

Good luck - this really hoovers.

 

[DaisyFace]

Denita--

Just a note about the window locks--when our then 13 year old difficult child was sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night to meet up with high school boys...we locked her windows shut with key-locks that attached right to the window and prevented her from opening them. We also had an inner hallway door that we locked to prevent her from leaving the house. So at night, she could leave her bedroom and use the bathroom, get a drink, whatever---but she could not sneak out of the house. So she was NOT locked in her bedroom--but she WAS locked in the house. Big difference...legally.

I was very open with law enforcement about the locks....and on the occassions that I called police to report a runaway, I showed them my keys and demonstrated that I was trying to do everything in my powert to keep her home and safe.

They were on my side agreeing that "ya gotta do what ya gotta do".

 

[DenitaS]

OOPS, didn't post!! WE are not locking her in her room. We are using the door for our bedroom when we are not at home! LOL Sorry for any confusion!

 

[klmno]

DF- Not that I don't completely understand because I do, but it's a safety issue - if there had been a fire in your house it would have made it very difficult for a fireman to get her out and that is why this is a law in some jurisdictions that you have to get special permission and get it documented at the fire dept so they know what they are dealing with if they show up at your house to rescue the occupants. I dare say that even some policeman are not aware of that.

It can be done though- I used to have neighbors that had to do that with their 10yo difficult child who thought he would continuously sneak out at night and roam the streets. They requested a hearing, got the permission to lock him in his room at night, with access to a bathroom. It had to be a special type lock though and it had to be documented at the local fire dept- both the lock on the door of the boy's "suite" and the fact that his windows were inoperable. I think they even came to the house to verify adequate placement of smoke detectors. Since they took proper steps and really had no choice because they were really in a darned if you do or if you don't situation, this process keeps them from being accused of abuse by CPS.


Detention centers have staff awake 24/7 and have alarms and sprinkler systems in "cells". This is why they are allowed to lock minors up- it isn't that it's abusive for the family to do it under the circumstances we are talking about- it's all about safety and rescue in the event of an emergency.

 

[toughlovin]

OK this kind of stuff drives me nuts. I don't know what state you are in or what the laws are. In my job I do some work with the police. They are like any other organization you have really good cops out there who want to help and you have lazy cops who do not want to do anything that is out of their way.

I know in my state there are some things you can do through the court system or through CPS.

So I don't know how much you have talked to the police, or if you just called them that one time and talked to them and got a lazy cop. My suggestion would be to call the police back and ask if they have a youth officer and if not if they have a domestic violence unit. Hopefully they have something on that order.

Then make an appointment and go in and meet with them. Tell them what is going on and ask them what your options are. There should be options Believe me police departments deal with this kind of situation all the time.

We have gotten lock boxes in our house. Mostly to lock up any drugs... but we will also be putting wallets and keys in them now that my son is back home.

 

[DenitaS]

@ Kimno, I understand your concerns with this issue! We were debating on a security system and decided to price burglar bars instead. I did mention to husband that it had to have the emergency release latch on the bedroom windows. I hope they are not too expensive! EEKS!!! WE changed the front lock last night and will do the back door today. WE decided on a double keyed lock for those. We figured even if she broke a window to get in, she would not be able to get out with anything large! It is very sad to have to live this way because of your child!
@ Toughlovin - Thanks so much for your idea! I will try to make that appointment for this week and see how it goes! We are just so disappointed and I am SO going through the What did I do wrong! I have detached so it's not ruling my life! Just blows my mind every now and then!

We have been doing this sort of things for 6 years now! difficult child 1 is really just not wired right. She lives in her own world and our rules and beliefs do not apply! It is hard to watch her just constantly spiral but, we have backed out of our relationship with her to keep our sanity (set VERY clear limits and boundaries and have been sticking to them) She started this at 12 almost 13. difficult child 2 is a habitual runner. It's crazy because everyone is calling to hear if I have heard from her and I keep telling them that I won't! And I am SURE I will not until she is found and brought home kicking and screaming. And the truth is that as soon as things settle again she will be gone (if we make it through the first day of her return!) I try to explain this and people just dont' really understand!

I really love this board! It makes me feel not so alone in this issue! Thanks again for ALL of your help!

 

[klmno]

Have you reported her as missing to the police? (They probably won't arrest her but will bring her home if found.)

PS In case you aren't familiar with my situation and my son's hx, he lives by his own set of rules, or lack thereof, too, so I understand.

 

[DenitaS]

Yes, we reported everything to them the day she was gone! I finally received a call today about them wanting more information so they can start looking for her. I didn't have anything to give them.

I wonder if any of you have ever gotten to the point where you just don't want them back? We are so exhausted from being in crisis mode constantly. Even if she comes crawling back out of any other options, are we just supposed to wait for her to steal and run again? When is enough enough! I feel like a HORRIBLE mother for seeing it this way but, this is where I am and my husband is right there beside me.

 

[klmno]

Well, I can't say that I ever actually felt like I don't want my son- I always have wanted him. But, I can't handle him or live with him on his terms. Then again, I don't think anyone else could either in a typical home/family environment. I advocated for him to get into a Residential Treatment Center (RTC), as was recommended by two state psychiatrists, but I couldn't get him in. The only other alternative was to support the judicial route and call the police every time he broke parole requirements, snuck out at night, or otherwise broke the law. Of course this has led him to a ccourse where he will now spend the majority of his teen years incarcerated in a juvenile justice facility. Unfortunately, there just are no good options for us. I hope you can find a better answer. We have an intake desk at our juvenile courts- I suggest finding out what the equivaleent is called in your jurisdiction and call them to get their advice. You could even do it anonymously at first, to get general information about what to do in a situation like this. Also, some state DSS allow parental placement so you give up physical custody, but not parental rights. You might check opn that, too, but your intake office should be able to give general info on that, too. It won't be the first time they've had a parent ask questions like that.

I'm glad you reported her missing- that covers your rear as well as keeps the police on the lookout for her. Danger can still come to these kids, and they may be more susceptible to it since they are so head strong that they can handle anything.

 

[Suz]

Denita, have you contacted your local MHMR agency yet? (Mental Health/Mental Retardation) They were invaluable to us. With your daughter's dxes and history, it's my guess that she would qualify for "wraparound services" like Rob did. We had inhouse therapy for him, a behavior specialist to give his Dad and I advice. They also provided a daytime program for him for awhile. They didn't work miracles but these services kept me sane- no small feat in those days. When it was time for Rob to go to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), the documentation provided by MHMR was very helpful in getting appropriate placement.

Suz

 

[DenitaS]

OK! Here is my problem! EVERY time I call one of these State resources there is nothing we can do because we don't qualify (monetarily) HOWEVER, the cost of the programs we have checked into before are ASTRONOMICAL!! So, how do you guys get the services?

 

[klmno]

That's one of the reasons we had to go thru the judicial system to begin wwith, then because my son was in their agency, I couldn't get get another agency to help when I did qualify financially. It hoovers.