I feel your pain....I'm sorry you've had to go through it all.
Thank you so much for the feedback. You know, several years ago I was in a relationship with a guy I've known since I was 18. We were together 2 years- at which point I found out he was a cheater (oh joy). Well, while that was not the same- I see the process shaking out the same. You have all these people tell you "stop talking to him, people treat you the way you allow them too" all the way to "how can you even still TALK to him after all he's done?"- he and I went back and forth. Fall for those lines, because you want so badly to believe people can't be that heartless.
I almost have the same feelings inside now in dealing with this with my son- "what could I have done?" to "what did I do wrong?" to "is this boy crazy? has he lost his mind?" to "after all I've done for this boy- even after I was no longer even responsible for his care, and he steals from me and then steals from my mother and my daughter, and has the audacity to be loud, belligerent and overall threatening?"
I know that once I walked away from that relationship with the guy- truly walked away. No contact, cleared my head of it all- even when he'd still call and do all the "do you still love me" bull, I saw right through that, my stomach didn't turn anymore and it had no effect on me at all.
I realize with my son it's different, because - well....he's my son. But at the same time, I need to realize (and saying it "out loud" here helps) that I no more have to accept this from him as anyone else. Him being my son does NOT give him the RIGHT to do the things he is doing- and quite frankly it is worse because hello- I'm his MOTHER.
I think it hurts my feelings more than anything- and here I've tried to make my kids entrances into adulthood easier than mine was, and one appreciates it and one wants more more more more more more more.
He's grown. He's an adult. He's created this. Maybe all this happened (the thefts) for a reason. Maybe it was destined to happen because nothing was going to change until he did something that extreme.
short story: I raised these kids alone- literally NO help from their fathers and with very sporadic and unpredictable child support- so while I bit the bullet went to "business college" and found a good job that allowed me opportunities to move up- raising them financially was hard. Made too much for help, but not enough to not rob peter to pay paul every month. For years, I'm the one that went without things - I'd get the occasional top or pants for work from WalMart, but nothing big or nice or well made. Couldn't afford it. Once my kids were out of school, and I promoted at my job- my ongoing obsession with purses began- always been a purse wh0re, loved them all my life, but all I could ever have were walmart, kmart, etc. One until it fell apart. Promotion- more money- QVC and coach outlets did something to me. Name brands. Spread out, but nice. *I* loved them. made me feel like all my struggle had come to pass. It's weird, and maybe selfish- but it was what it was. Anyway, in February of this year is when I discovered that difficult child had sold ALL my handbags. About 3 coach bags and 3 Dooney's. Gone. Because I didn't carry them until they were trash worthy and switched out all the time, they were all like new. Sold them on a 'sale' site on facebook. I didn't even realize until well after they were gone when I went to find something in one of them (you know when you switch out and sometimes receipts stay in the one you are stopping using?)...and they were gone. All gone. I called him. Of course, he lies and denies. I get online and search and message the admins of a few of those pages with pics of the bags. Posted to see if they were recognized. Had one person message me that she recognized them and some guy was selling but she couldn't remember his name but thought it was "ABC" - difficult children name is ABCD - so it was close enough for me to know it was him. I filed a police report. He punched holes in my walls in anger that I was 'accusing' him of stealing them when he knows 'how I covet my handbags- even he wasn't crazy enough to do that'. I wanted to believe him. I really did. It wasn't until the detective called him and told him point blank that he was going to pull a report from facebook, that nothing deleted is ever truly gone, so if he took them he needed to tell him- because IF the detective pulled his history and found it- he WOULD pick him up for theft over $1500. so difficult child confessed it. Detective calls me and tells me and then tells me that I can press charges, but in situations like this to think about it because it's family.
I didn't press charges. I should have, looking back, maybe that was the consequence he needed. 2 days later, I loaded all my belongings into a moving truck, put it all in storage and moved in with my mom. Left him in an empty house that at least my stuff was gone so he couldn't steal anymore of it. I travel for work, am gone Sun-Friday and I didn't want to get home Friday and find everything else gone. He didn't think I'd do it, and I was told by his sister that he cried and cried when he got home that day (from work- from a fantastic job he had all of 2 weeks)...and everything was gone.
I think he's doing drugs. No wait. I hope he is. Sounds crazy right? Who "hopes" their kid is on drugs? I do- because you can get help for that. If this is who HE is, then that is sad. It really is.
I know the time has come to wash my hands of this. Whether it be 6 months, 12 months, or 12 years- I can't take this anymore. I can't do it. The only tears I've shed in the last 5 or so years have literally been over him. His actions. His lies. His outbursts.
I've done the imagining of what if he kills himself? I've said really ugly things to him in anger, then later wonders if that's why he is this way. What if something I've said is the catalyst for this? Then I remember that I've also said very good things to him- and have always apologized when I've said something in anger. You know what he chooses to remember? The thing that got said that was negative. Never the good stuff. Never the apology. He remembers the 'thing' he really wanted in 11th grade that I didn't get him (because I COULDN'T) but doesn't think of the things he gets from me all the time.
It's sad. I didn't struggle doing this to have it all be in vain. But it was- at least for him.
I know this was long- sorry.
