So it's over for good

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
My husband and I found a house we loved at an amazing price so I contacted my brother, executor of Dad's will to ask when we would get our inheritance, explaining wanting to make offer on house. He really spent a lot of time, bless him, getting the money to us early. We thanked him and said we hope to see him...he can visit anytime. He said thanks, but I don't expect him to contact me again. This is my fault and I am sorry. He is a great guy and it is my loss that somehow we lost touch. I don't even remember why it happened. I think it was during my divorce. At any rate, the past can not be changed.

But I am finally totally out of the shadow of the woman who is my sister via DNA. This is mostly for those who know the story. Sis never did acknowledge that the cops she called on me repeatedly were simply revenge, except for the first time when I get it as I was on her property. So if we ever spoke again she could easily call the cops again. My daughter is in law enforcement now and I won't risk embarrassing her by my sister calling the cops on her mother and my sister never cared if she embarrassed my daughter in the past. The past predicts the future. She called a cop on us many times that was the father of Jumper's good friend, and she knew this but didn't care. Luckily, this man had sister's number but why did she call knowing that his daughter knows our daughter? Mean! It was a small town. He was the head cop of only three so she kept calling him. Who does that???

Sis did the revenge cop call so many times. Also she never ever tried to show any empathy to me during my mother's treatment of me. I know that if it had been reversed I would have been there, probably stuck up for her to my mother. I just know this is the end of my sister ever contacting me. If she ever tries I will contact my lawyer. Cease and disist. I am sorry it has come to this and I am sure she thinks it's my fault but I don't...the cops tactic is bizarre and abnormal and extreme and my opinion is something that she can not help herself from doing when seething and she has to shut me down any way she can when she gets angry.

So Sister Act II is finally, finally really over, not that we were ever really sisters. Our kids dont know each other. She would not go long enough in contact with me before she would get mad, call the cops on me, and disappear for months to years so our kids never had a chance to get together.
And she told her family and friends I am mentally ill which is true. I have a mood disorder (very controlled) and anxiety (harder to control) I doubt she told her own husband or kids or rather strange friends that she had an eating disorder (and still does by her low weight and I have never seen her eat a meal) This is a very serious mental illness that can cause death. I fear she may have transfered this to another but it's not my business. Eating disorders run in the family. My uncle had one. He was a skeleton. So is my sister. Worse, she thinks being that underweight is attractive .I think she also has depression and probably a personality disorder, like our mother did.

Anyway, the mother's last name part of my family is history finally and for sure.....and I never knew my father's family and have no interest in connecting with strangerss at this late date. I am content with who I have as real family. My sister hopefully has dumped her seven year narc boyfriend...he is so horrid! THAT is who she loved and even after he broke into her house she wouldn't call the cops on HIM! It's almost worth a lol!

I was so stupid and needy of my sister's love to ever talk to her after the second time she called the cops. But it is what it is

Whatever time is lef for me, 20 years I hope, will be drama free and cops free. I feel like crying at how often the cops came simply because my sister wanted to cause major trouble and how I did my part by letting her. I could have stopped her. That is on me.

I am free.

Thank you all for the support through so many years. I love you all! Special thanks to Cedar and Copa

Thanks again and again and again!!
 
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Copabanana

Well-Known Member
There is so much pain in this post, swot. it really really is not yours to bear. As you have described throughout the years you were designated as the identified patient in your family, by your mother, a means for her to deal with her own pain and lack. She perceived it to be about you. Your sister grew up in this world view, took on so much of your mother's personality, and targeted you too.

This is not to let her off the hook. She could at any point have sought help to deal with her pain and limitations without a scapegoat. She chooses not too. It is just too easy to keep on acting out. She does this to handle her own emotions, in a very regressive way, as you describe.

I am hearing on the radio about a killer on the loose for 24 years. Beginning in 1974 he killed 12 and raped 50 women. They are saying that he would call his victims many years later just to terrorize them. This must have gratified him, and gave him, a powerless person, a sense of power .

I found myself thinking of your sister. While her acts are not criminal, the mechanism may be the same. She us dependent upon you, acting out against you, in order to live. Until she sees this she will never be free. But will be forever tied to you.

I think we work for freedom. I do not believe I have it. I have the possibility of it each day. Now. So do you.
 
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BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Thanks again Copa, for such a kind, thoughtful and way too true post. It startled me, because it mirrored my thoughts so well. Can't tell you how many times I would ask and answer certain questions.

Why did she even come back???

Because she needs to hate me, for reasons she doesn't understand and that I don't know for sure either. But certainly it had to do with my mother.

I have also asked myself if she is a nice person who just doesn't like me? And when I was younger I would despair...is it really ME?

I have seen her be nice. I have seen her treat me, my brother and my grandmother with cruelty. Not with quickly come/quickly gone anger that melts and leads to apologizing and realizing it was bad behavior. That is more like I once was. I saw her cruelty as more long term and calculated and vicious, with absolutely no show of remorse. If she ever felt remorse, she did not let anybody see it. She rarely cried for how she treated others. Not that anyone saw. The only time I recall her tears were for herself....when her married boyfriend or abusive boyfriend didn't call her. Not for my grandmother who had no idea why she never heard from her youngest granddaughter. Not for her brother whom she shunned for years for embarrassing her by not being handsome enough for her. Never ever to me for bringing the cops to my house repeatedly and treating me like a nobody and bashing me to her friends, although I don't know her friends and do not think they sound like...particularly stable people....still. I'm sure she never told anyone about HER mental illness or bad deeds!

So what have I lost?

I never had a real sister who respected me. She was another Mother. The same mother who needed a scapegoat for all her own self doubt. You are right. i lost nobody. My mother died years ago and she and Sis's life choices mirror my mother's...clones they are in so many ways. Unable to give their hearts to a significant other who was worthwhile. Unable to say "I was wrong." For me, who spent a good deal of my life eagerly blamingyself for things I deserved to blame myself for and for things that were not my fault, this is foreign to me.

You haven't lost anyone either with your sister.

Much love and light. You are so kind snd I hope so much that one day IIcan find comforting words for you other than to remind you that your love for those you care for leaps off the pages and certainly M and your son know.

Thank you again.
 
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Copabanana

Well-Known Member
You know there are parallels with my sister.

Once many years ago she said to me: you used to love me.

She was referring to our early childhood, before I was the odd man out.

It was just so so sad. Of course I understand all those years later why she hitched her wagon to my mother and stepfather. Ratting. Setting me up. Telling lies. Deliberate cruelty.

But what defenses did I have? She tortured me. Of course I see she was a victim too.

As an adult I could have had more compassion. Been stronger. But the reality is for almost all my life I felt no way to protect myself.

Sad. Sad. Sad. All around.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I am so sorry, Copa. I don't think either one of us could have changed anything.

Our compassion for them didn't seem to help. I tried to protect my sister as a young adult but had no skills to do so and used dumb dumb methods that Sis thought made things worse between her and our mother and she wanted mother love too. I regret much of what I did when I was young, although I was doing my pathetic best, and I don't blame her anger then. But at some point it either has to stop or two people with one feeling angry and superior can not have a relationship. You can figure out that I have spent little to no time feeling superior to anyone! The one who felt superior was not me.

Our personalities set us up for victimhood, but we don't have to take it.

Thanks again.
 
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BusynMember

Well-Known Member
So I will get the money today. It's really done. I am sorry that for whatever reason I don't think my brother will choose to be around again. I invited him but I don't think he will contact me and I am not the type to push it. I have no idea why he does not seem to want contact but I respect it. I am not one to start any confrontation and ask him why. In a way, due to fear of criticism (make that TERROR of ehat he may say about me) I don't want to know. But he is a good guy.

My sister has apparently stopped writing about me! I don't know if her forum caught on (highly possible...they banned her once before) or if she just realizes that there is no point. Although I should never look at her social media, I found her account on Pintercist (sic,) and saw her quotes. It was truly sad. It was heartbreaking. Wrote one quote after another quote, like blocks of houses in a crowded city, all about how she loved a man she couldn't have and how much that hurt her and how she would always love him and wish it could work. This is seven years of obsessing over her abusive boyfriend and how he literally took over her mind and heart; her very life. Not one quote about how much she loves her life, her job, any other man or her truly amazing kids. If I did quotes like shesdoes, they would have been full of my great luck, my gratitude, my adoration of my family, lots of stuff like that. Not just one person. One man. Not even a nice man. So much despair.

I still love my sister and am very sorry her life came to this. Some quotes were years old and some only hours old. Same theme. Every one. I want to hug her. If I weren't so afraid that she would call the cops on me, I may reach out, even though I can't help her in this.

But she WOULD call the cops and frankly that is not a risk I will take.

Anyhow, I will know if she still reads my posts here because I will be blocked from this account too.

I can't believe that this is finally the end.

Love and light to all.
 
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BusynMember

Well-Known Member
No. She will block me from her Pintecrist site. That's okay. I shouldn't be snooping around her anyway.

Thanks for caring.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Okay. I get it.

Swot. I think she wants and needs contact with you as much or more than do you with her.

As far as your brother goes, nothing is stopping you from remembering his birthday every year and sending a note, nothing more

Try to remember that everybody is broken and scarred. You may have been designated the scapegoat but you do not still have to carry this anymore.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Thank you! I WILL honor his birthday!

I don't know if my sister needs me. She has a history of pushing me away in extreme ways. But then I would get very used to her gone and she would come back...so you could be right. I never came back. She did.

But I can't even consider her in my life because of the cops. It's a deal breaker. It is why I ended it. Her abusive boyfriend had broken into her house and was threatening her so I told her to call the cops. She said she couldn't, it would ruin his life, she wouldn't do that to him etc. I stammered "You think it was more worth it to call the cops on ME?" She said her final words to me when she said "At the time I did."

At the time? WHICH time? The first time? The tenth time? The twentieth time? She sounded as if she didn't even know she did it ALL the time. So I didn't matter to her she WOULD do it to me although I hadn't broken the law and I meant nothing to her, unlike this abuser. Or Narcicist, her diagnosis

That was it. That is still it.

If I am honest, my husband and I mentioned, when we decided to leave Illinois for Wisconsin, that one benefit would be that Sis couldn't call the cops anymore. It wasn't a big part of the decision, but it came up. And she called the cops anyway (shrug).

It can't happen again. The cops are done.

I still care about her so I checked the site. I could see that her sad life has not changed. She is addicted to heroin in the form of a man. I wish she would quit, but she won't. And I don't want to be a part of the addiction either. She speaks mostly about him. It is redundant and boring to listen to all the repetitive stories and to why she can't leave him due to a trauma bond. Whatever.

We have nothing to offer one another.

Thanks again for listening.
 
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Copabanana

Well-Known Member
You know you are better off. When my sister wrote to tell me to no longer acknowledge her birthday, or contact her, it was a gift. I see it that way now.

Everything I have written here about your sister I have done so knowing she was reading. Personally. I think she cannot bear that we pity her.

Swot. I do not know why you do not let her go. That she is in a sadomasochist relationship has not one thing to do with you. Let her be.

It is like you you have survivor guilt. Let her be. Why not read up on survivor guilt and how people move on.

Nothing you do or have ever done or could do will save her. She is who she is. You are saved. You saved yourself. It is not your fault.
 
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BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Thank you so very much for this. I appreciate it very much.

I know you are right.

I always feel bad when I can't help somebody and I think you may be the same way. So maybe you understand. And, like you gently told me, it is time to stop thinking I could have done more.

I am often up at night, like now, because I love the world the most when it is quiet. But it gives me time to think and I think sometimes too much.

Thanks again for the reminder to let go completely. It is appreciated more than you will ever know.

Peace, love and light.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hubby and I decided to send thank you gifts, hopefully things he will know were picked out specifically with his interests in mind, and a nice card to my brother for his help and kindness. I feel good about that. If it is our last interaction, it is positive. He will know I love him.

Copa I have taken your advice. You are a gem.
Thank you. All that needs to be is done.

I am feeling extremely contented and so excited about the new house and life in general. In a very good place.
 
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BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Sadly, my sister thinks I am the liar. I didnt say anything false (shrug).I think she is too sick to accept the truth, which is sad but nothing I can do. The cops never happened in her sick mind, I guess. I am positive she is still in a bad place. I am quite sure she will be on and off with K forever, but if not...it isn't important to me. I spent much time trying to encourage her to go no contact with him but she claimed she could not. Truth.

Good bye, my sister. Nothing really matters anymore. My decision, and it was MY decision for once, is final.

I wish you the best.
 
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