Reality

[ksm]

I'm sorry you and your family are going thru this. Will be praying for your daughter to feel loved and calm, whatever the future holds.

 

[New Leaf]

Hello Midst,
I apologize for taking so long to respond. Welcome to CD, but so sorry for your need to be here. It has been a lifeline for me to be able to reach out to others who understand the journey.

Your words have given me a bit more strength to deal with the current situation with my meth addicted 35 year old daughter. I can relate to almost everything you've said. I'm 57 and my husband is 64, and we are raising my daughter’s baby boy since birth. He's 2 1/2 now.

I am sorry for what you have been through and the situation you are dealing with now. We have similar stories, but I have not had the task of raising my grandchild from birth. That is an extremely difficult thing to do, but a blessing also.

My husband is in remission from 3rd stage throat cancer.

Oh my. I am glad he is in remission, but sorry for what you both must have endured. All while raising your grandchild. What strength you both have. I am on my own cancer journey and that was a wake up call to take more time to look after my own health needs.

I just found out from a "boyfriend " of hers that she's pregnant again. She's never told me, and she's about 7 months along. My heart is breaking because we simply can't take in this one for various reasons. I feel like I have explain and justify how I'm letting my future grandchild go into fostercare.

Oh no. I walked this road Midst. My Tornado became pregnant while on the streets five years ago. We reconnected when she was forced into rehab (it was either jail, or rehab), then relapsed when baby was three months old. I got the call from the social worker on Mother’s Day, she wanted me to take in my daughter and grandson and I had to say no. It was the most heartbreaking ordeal, but it was the right choice. My grandbaby went to emergency foster care, then my youngest daughter stepped in to raise him. He is going to be four and is a joy, but also a challenge as he is somewhat affected by the drug exposure while inutero.
Honestly, to this day, I still struggle with my decision. I still feel as you do, that I have to explain and justify why I didn’t just take them both in. Not only to others, but to myself. But, I know deep down it was the right choice. A hard choice, but the right one.
Easier for me to say, because my youngest stepped in and fostered and adopted my grandson. I wonder if in your state, if your grandbaby went into foster care, you would have grandparents rights? If you could visit?

Since this child will be a sibling to your grandchild, the foster system may want to keep visitation between them as an option. And adoptive families are sometimes open to some type of contact with family members.

I’m hoping this would be an option for you. If that would be your preference.

I'm doing what's right for my family. Today I am seeing a therapist for the 1st time in over 5 years that she's been out of my house and homeless.

I hope that your visit with the therapist brought you some comfort. It is a difficult road we all travel, dealing with addicted love ones. We do have to make hard choices to ensure that we are healthy. It is not selfish, it is reality. There are good people out there who foster. They have the energy and wherewithal to care for a newborn.

I don't even know where to begin. I know that I'll be a wreck on the inside as the birth approaches. I'm debating whether I be there for the birth and hold the baby once, or if that will just hurt even more!

Oh this is a hard one, Midst. I held my grandson as a newborn and loved him instantly. How I cried when I heard myself tell the social worker no. No. No, I can’t house my daughter, or care for my grandson. I had health issues, long covid and arthritis and knew that I would have to rely heavily on my granddaughter to help, which was unfair to her. I also knew that my daughter would not follow rules at home, and I was not going to go down that rabbit hole again. Oh, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope that your hubs and therapist are able to help you with whatever decision you make.

I go from crying to numb, to angry and disgusted with her. I love her in spite of how selfish and irresponsible she's been. She has absolutely no feelings for her son and has said that. She refused to hold him at birth. I'm really starting to think she's a physopath. She's had mental health issues before she got on meth.

How well I know all the feelings that go hand in hand with this. I am still angry with my daughter for exposing my grandson to drugs while pregnant. For relapsing after his birth, for endangering him. He had no say. An innocent. Meth is a soul snatcher. I’m sure my two had mental health issues before meth, the drug just added to that. On top of that, the rabbit hole we all fall in to while trying to figure out how to live our own lives and draw the line between love and enabling. The work it takes to set boundaries and respond sanely in such bizarre circumstances.
It is heart wrenching when grands are involved. We are only human, can only do so much. We must know our limitations.
Know that you are not alone. This is an awesome site to come to for help, guidance, support, just to write out your thoughts. It is like a journal that responds. You may want to start your own post, as more will see it and share their thoughts.
For me, most of what I write to others is a reminder to me of what I need to work on. That is to realize that we are important too, we have worth and value. As parents, we spent years sacrificing ourselves for our children’s needs. Recognizing our needs and caring for ourselves is not selfish, it is self love. How we wish our adult children would learn and practice taking care of themselves, making better choices. We need to do that to. I think you know this and have done some hard inner work realizing you cannot raise another grandchild. It’s okay Midst, that is what is right for you, your husband and your grandson in your care.
Much love and hugs to you.
New Leaf

 

[LetGo]

Aloha all,
I want to thank you again from the bottom of my heart for your kind words of encouragement and for inquiring on my well being. I am slowly healing and feeling a bit better health wise. A bit more energy each day. I have been working at my art here and there, since I am not physically able yet to get back to the full swing of gardening. It has been good to get back to painting.
I wanted to address your posts individually, but a recurring issue has arisen that has set my mind racing. The clock is ticking loudly as time slows to a near halt with unsettling circumstance. Yet again another crisis to deal with.
A few days ago I received a call from my eldest, Rain, who I have not heard from since she came to visit more than a month or so ago. She was coughing and short of breath, at a park, in a downpour. I heard myself telling her that she could come over and shower and rest at my house. I write it as such, because I have been pretty adamant through these years that she not stay with us, because of all of the issues that come along with loving a meth addicted adult child. There was something in her voice that struck at the core of me. You may recall that her last hospitalization a few months ago was pretty dire with a diagnosis of heart and kidney damage due to her lifestyle.
She called me on the 10th (was at the ER on the 5th, “treated for asthma, fluids in her lungs”, then released) and had not picked up medications due to hospital records and prescriptions being under her former married name, and her latest insurance being under her maiden name. So I have been trying to straighten that mess out, while observing that her cough was not any better and that she looked just awful. She did not want to go back to the ER, so I ended up going to the pharmacy and paid for her medications. Her sisters also pleaded with her to go and get rechecked, but she insisted that she was feeling okay.
Last night, she was extremely short of breath and I was able to get her to go back to the ER. Turns out, her blood pressure was super high (180/110) and the doctor came in and said “This is not asthma, it is her congestive heart failure and it is bad.”
So, they admitted her after a long night trying to stabilize her.
I am tired. I am numb and angry at the same time. I am mad at the doctor who “treated” her on the 5th then released her in such a terrible state, high blood pressure, fluid in her lungs and blood test indicators of heart damage. I am mad at my beautiful eldest daughter who has thrown her health away to street life for years. I am mad at myself for not being able to convince her earlier to go back to the ER.
She is not at the right hospital. It is the same women’s and children’s hospital my Hoku was at after her traumatic birth injury where a nurse revealed to me that “they don’t really have specialists for adults, only children.” But, the hospitalist this early morning felt that they could treat Rain. I urged them to transfer her to a hospital that has a heart specialist.
Sigh.
All the things swimming in my head. I know well the phrases that we parents have to learn to navigate the rough journey of living with the misery of beloved adult children addicted and estranged. “Didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t change it.” How empty those words feel in dire straights. How easily the “rescue mode” switch is toggled that can send one to the edge of the rabbit hole. So, I will have to remind myself of how many times in the past, the phone call, the visit, the contact, then no contact, have sent me into the swirly whirly of over thinking, over doing, over imagining all of the terrible consequences. But this is real. Again. It is not over imagining. I pray for a miracle, but know deep down that my daughter has been drawn even closer to her end by her addiction. Congestive heart failure and kidney disease. The doctor asked her about her meth use, it’s on her medical record. “When was the last time you used?” “About a week ago” she replied. “Each time you use, it damages your heart further.” It does not sink in. It has not scared her straight.
I have often said I don’t believe in rock bottom. My two have gone beyond that, by all accounts.
I will still hold on to hope. I have to. I will go and love on my daughter in the hospital. Again. For myself as much as for her. If she leaves this earthly realm, at least she will know that I love her still, always have and always will. If only love could save. If only the hands of time could turn back and rewrite the chapters of life’s book.
Prayers are needed.
It will be as it is, and I must deal with it.
God help us all.
Leaf

New Leaf, Prayers for your daughter and for you. Biggest hugs.

 

[Copabanana]

I feel as if I’m destined to keep reeling the tapes until I get it right? Am I stuck on “replay” until I react and respond differently?

I see part of this as biological. We as mothers are conditioned to respond to the tapes with alarm, concern and well, the maternal instinct. So in this way we get it "right" and "wrong" at the same time. After all, Rain and my son and all the others are adults. So, what we do is we catch ourselves, that we are on the wrong tape.

What we do if we've been on this board as long as we have is this: We jump like a flea to another part of our brain to escape the "wrong" tape. The wrong tape is the mother of a young child tape who needs protection. We jump like a flea to an appropriate place in our brains, which takes into account "reality" that Rain is middle aged, has lived as some part of her chose and still chooses, and that there is no place here in reality for the response of a mother protecting her vulnerable, dependent child from say, an oncoming car. That is Rain's issue. There is not one thing wrong with your response. There is something wrong with Rain's response.

There is something wrong with Rain. And all of the adult children who have brought us together.

Hopefully Rain will see that she has value and worth beyond the choices she has made.

Well. I identify with this a whole lot. I have trouble sometimes feeling and believing I have worth beyond my choices and limitations. I think value (as a soul) is what spirituality gives us. An off ramp from the life as we know it place, where everybody I've ever known screws up.

All there is to do is love Rain as you do and to pray that she finds a way off the hamster wheel, which I very much identify with. Only she can do that for herself, and you and I are no different.

How many posts have you written New Leaf? Thousands. To find a way to free yourself. Me too. That is the work of life, if we choose to do it. What other way is there to "stop the world I want to get off." Our children chose drugs. They continue to choose drugs. I get it. I don't like it but I get it.

I've gone on and on. The important thing is say is this: I am so very pleased that Rain looks better today. (If I knew how to attach fireworks or balloons I would do it. ) Love, Copa