blackgnat
Active Member
...and I'm wondering if it's okay to refer some posters to it. Not as a bid for attention, or a false kind of "This can happen to YOU, if you do/don't do what I did"...
It's just that I used to come here to read or post on a regular basis and sometimes, I never found out what happened to the people who stopped posting and I wanted to know.
I'm lurking here this morning (!) out of a need for familiarity, for connection to the people who cared and supported me through the darkest times.I'm sure that it's a (probably) sick way of staying connected to my son. It's a way to attempt to understand the timeline, the similarities between his story and all the other stories I read here, that are so familiar. It's almost comforting-UGH, am I really THAT disconnected from reality that I have to go back to my old posts to remember how bad it got? Yep, because when I post here, I really feel like it's a kind of homecoming-we are all in this hell together and truly, people who aren't in it can NEVER understand how destructive and confusing it all is.
I'm still trying to understand it all and I DON'T come on here regularly-but when I feel the need to, it's like therapy. And it's a way to jolt myself into reality. Yes, that DID happen! Yes, I remember when MY son did and said and thought those things!
A year after his death (we scattered some ashes in the Pacific Ocean on this day last year) I feel I haven't even dipped my toe in the water of reality. I'm seeming to be pretty strong and normal and then a tsunami of sadness will hit me. Can't predict it-sometimes just looking out of the window at the weather, thinking."What would he be doing? Would he be cold? Hungry? Selling his body for a hit? In danger?" ALWAYS feeling like I didn't save him from his demons.
I have crossed all the Firsts, now. His brother's birthday, Mother's day, Father's day, my birthday, his father's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, HIS birthday (December 27, he would have been 29) , New Year's, the first anniversary of his death (January 12). And it helps to have gone through all that. Often, the anticipation of those dates was worse than the actual date. But it's always going to be the same-maybe gentler, maybe angrier, maybe more accepting. But those dates will always come around and will always be difficult.
On December 27, his 29th birthday that he would never see, his dad, brother and I drove into the desert, away from the city lights. We picked a spot and scattered some of his ashes. There was a very crisp, clear moon, enough to cast our shadows on that dry earth, very clearly, but not strong enough to obscure the beauty of the stars. We looked up for a long time, said the things we wanted to say and stayed silent for a long time. Cried some, reflected a lot and then left another part of him on another part of the earth. I felt a real sense of peace. Went for ice cream afterwards and laughed away the awkwardness of how we felt.
The anniversary of his death was a day like any other. People who knew, assumed I'd be taking the day off work, but it was a welcome distraction. Kinda lost it when I got home, but decided that it was much more meaningful to have celebrated and commemorated his birth. January 12 was "just" the day that he gave up his body. He had given up his soul many , many times over many, many years ago. My Lost Boy.
So,HELL! Thank you if you've read this far. Don't really know what I'm trying to say here, except to give INFINITE thanks to everyone on this site and my prayers are with you for positive outcomes. I'm one of the many parents who didn't have one, but I hope beyond all hope that your loved ones find their way.
PLEASE forgive me for the self indulgence-I'm really doing a stream of consciousness NOVEL here! Feel free to delete it. But if it helps ANYONE, I'm so happy to help. It has certainly helped me to get it all out here...
Thanks again and see you in August, if it's all still happening! Much love and peace to you all...
It's just that I used to come here to read or post on a regular basis and sometimes, I never found out what happened to the people who stopped posting and I wanted to know.
I'm lurking here this morning (!) out of a need for familiarity, for connection to the people who cared and supported me through the darkest times.I'm sure that it's a (probably) sick way of staying connected to my son. It's a way to attempt to understand the timeline, the similarities between his story and all the other stories I read here, that are so familiar. It's almost comforting-UGH, am I really THAT disconnected from reality that I have to go back to my old posts to remember how bad it got? Yep, because when I post here, I really feel like it's a kind of homecoming-we are all in this hell together and truly, people who aren't in it can NEVER understand how destructive and confusing it all is.
I'm still trying to understand it all and I DON'T come on here regularly-but when I feel the need to, it's like therapy. And it's a way to jolt myself into reality. Yes, that DID happen! Yes, I remember when MY son did and said and thought those things!
A year after his death (we scattered some ashes in the Pacific Ocean on this day last year) I feel I haven't even dipped my toe in the water of reality. I'm seeming to be pretty strong and normal and then a tsunami of sadness will hit me. Can't predict it-sometimes just looking out of the window at the weather, thinking."What would he be doing? Would he be cold? Hungry? Selling his body for a hit? In danger?" ALWAYS feeling like I didn't save him from his demons.
I have crossed all the Firsts, now. His brother's birthday, Mother's day, Father's day, my birthday, his father's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, HIS birthday (December 27, he would have been 29) , New Year's, the first anniversary of his death (January 12). And it helps to have gone through all that. Often, the anticipation of those dates was worse than the actual date. But it's always going to be the same-maybe gentler, maybe angrier, maybe more accepting. But those dates will always come around and will always be difficult.
On December 27, his 29th birthday that he would never see, his dad, brother and I drove into the desert, away from the city lights. We picked a spot and scattered some of his ashes. There was a very crisp, clear moon, enough to cast our shadows on that dry earth, very clearly, but not strong enough to obscure the beauty of the stars. We looked up for a long time, said the things we wanted to say and stayed silent for a long time. Cried some, reflected a lot and then left another part of him on another part of the earth. I felt a real sense of peace. Went for ice cream afterwards and laughed away the awkwardness of how we felt.
The anniversary of his death was a day like any other. People who knew, assumed I'd be taking the day off work, but it was a welcome distraction. Kinda lost it when I got home, but decided that it was much more meaningful to have celebrated and commemorated his birth. January 12 was "just" the day that he gave up his body. He had given up his soul many , many times over many, many years ago. My Lost Boy.
So,HELL! Thank you if you've read this far. Don't really know what I'm trying to say here, except to give INFINITE thanks to everyone on this site and my prayers are with you for positive outcomes. I'm one of the many parents who didn't have one, but I hope beyond all hope that your loved ones find their way.
PLEASE forgive me for the self indulgence-I'm really doing a stream of consciousness NOVEL here! Feel free to delete it. But if it helps ANYONE, I'm so happy to help. It has certainly helped me to get it all out here...
Thanks again and see you in August, if it's all still happening! Much love and peace to you all...