Something is definitely going on

[recoveringenabler]

Thanks for the update JKF, I've been thinking about you a lot. 5 nights, yeah, I can see how it is so near and yet so far when your son is on the street. But, you have nothing to feel guilty about, you have absolutely done all you can and you cannot have him in your home, that is certain. So, is he leaving on Monday? I will keep all of you in my prayers and thoughts...............hang in there.........you're doing a great job and it sounds as if this is the right choice for all of you. Hugs............

 

[MrMike]

Hoping everything works out for you JKF. You have been through hell and back with this, and I feel for ya. I pray for you and others on this site everyday. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Remember, you did not seek this situation your son finds himself in. He chose it. You would have chosen the best for him, a nice home, a good job, good friends, and good values. But, it was his choice, not yours. And you are sad because he chose unwisely, many times. But, it is his life, and only he can live it. Hopefully everything works out when he goes to live with your father. I hope the best for him and you. Hang in there.

 

[scent of cedar]

As for the temp shelter he can't go back there bc he refuses to follow the rules.

The curfew there is 4:30 pm and that is just not something difficult child can accept.

Your son made a choice, JKF. Even when he had shelter, you worked harder than he did for him to keep it. You worked harder than he did to get him into some kind of shelter in the first place. In one way, you could say your difficult child worked very hard to get to where he is now. The consequences may be worse than he anticipated...but I think you are suffering more than he is. 19 year old soldiers sleep outside all the time ~ only people really are trying to kill them. They have to go somewhere to eat, too. They can't stop for a snack or see a movie, either. But they are not making their mothers feel guilty for any hardship they are experiencing.

You have nothing to feel badly about or guilty for.

You didn't do anything wrong, JKF.

Your son did. And he did it knowingly, and on purpose.

Our dreams for our children never once included homelessness or endless, pointless rebellion. That they choose the path leading to those things again and again is actually a betrayal of us, and of every value we raised them with. We love them, of course. We can't just do nothing...but I think it is good for us, once we have set a course, to refuse to accept even one iota of guilt or pain or regret surrounding the decisions we have been forced to make regarding our difficult child kids.

We have to work for that kind of detachment from the outcome of whatever decision it is that we have made regarding the kids. It's a hard thing. Once you give yourself permission to say "stop" when you begin to worry, you will begin to learn how to cope with those feelings. It's really hard, but you will survive this better, if you give yourself permission to learn to do that.

Believe for the best for your difficult child, and for your whole family, from this experience. It will help you to feel immediately better. Your suffering cannot change your difficult child's mind, or he would already be better. Protect your health and cherish your family. Every day used up worrying about difficult child's choices is a day, a time, spent unwisely and gone, forever.

Your difficult child should be so thankful that you have provided a way for him to reclaim his life. Instead, he is carping about how warm you are while he is cold. He knows darn well what he did and why you refuse to have him in your home. Given everything I have read about your battle to keep him in some kind of shelter, I would say that your difficult child must have done some really terrible things, again and again, for a mother like you to understand she must protect her younger child from her oldest.

I think this short period of real, actual homelessness will teach difficult child lessons he apparently has not been able to learn any other way. He probably isn't going to like it JKF, but that's okay. He needs to go through this.

It seems to me that you are doing a hard thing really, really well. Try not to question yourself, or come up with reasons why this is necessary. You didn't pick it. difficult child did.

I am keeping you and your family too, in my thoughts and prayers, JKF.

This is so hard to do, but you are doing well.

Is there an alternate plan, in case the grandpa cannot handle difficult child either? I know it sounds cruel, but you might want to ask difficult child whether he would like you to check out shelters in that area, in case he finds he cannot abide by Grandpa's rules, either.

Or maybe that is too mean to say.

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

Perfectly said Cedar, well done.

 

[JKF]

Cedar - no that's not too mean to say. Not at all. I've thought about that a million times. I have already researched shelters out there. There are not many since it's a very small town but there are some options. I know how my dad is though and I honestly think in my gut that if anyone can help difficult child it's him. He's very patient but stern. But not in an angry way. In an understanding, yet firm way. difficult child responds well to that. When he gets out there he will have his own small efficiency apartment so they won't live together which will help a lot. My dad lives in the area and will see difficult child daily so that's good as well. Supervision to keep him on track but not constantly in his face. Eventually my dad will move into the same building but not the same apartment.

And yes, difficult child has done some pretty awful things in the past which prevent him from living in our home ever again. He has stolen more than I could ever begin to tally and destroyed our property. He has never physically harmed any of us but he's come close during rages and threatened to kill me and his younger brother. That was enough for me. When he's not angry we get along great but as soon as that rage kicks in all bets are off.

As for the guilt, I'm doing better day by day. I am seeing this for what it is. These are his choices and the consequences that follow. So I'm trying to keep myself detached every time he complains that he is cold, tired, and hungry. I know I'm doing a lot for him by sending him to what I believe will be a better life but I have to do this. He's 19 years old - mentally probably around 16 - and I just can't live with myself if I don't try to help him at this point in his life. I know it's likely that this too may end miserably but I'm not giving up hope just yet.

 

[scent of cedar]

You are a strong, beautiful mom, JKF. Your son is fortunate to have you fighting for him. That we cannot turn away long after the time we should have ~ that our own children lie and cheat and steal from us and scare the pants off us sometimes ~ that's what makes all this so unbelievably tough. But I am glad we love them the way we do, too. Somewhere, at some level, maybe even some time when we won't be here to see it, that love we've poured all over our difficult children will help them believe in themselves.

How does that old Billy Joel song go?

I have been a fool for lesser things....

:O)

I always think about my difficult children, when I hear that song.

 

[scent of cedar]

You know what the other Billy Joel song is that I think about where my difficult children are concerned?

Innocent Man.

:O)

 

[scent of cedar]

The Longest Time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PzFVVq2Sibw


An Innocent Man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PThPI1kLGU8


:O)

 

[MrMike]

JKF,

After I read your post where you said your difficult child threatened to kill you and his youngest brother, I wanted to tell you that there's no way he should be in your house again. You are absolutely doing the right thing. His threat is a very serious one, and there's no way you can let him live with you again. He has some serious problems if he threatened to kill you. That is nothing to be fooled around with. I know you said you are doing better, and I'm glad. But, if you ever begin to doubt whether you should have kicked him out, please don't. If anyone ever threatens
to kill someone, that is a very serious statement, and immediately disqualifies him from living in your home.

 

[JKF]

Cedar - I LOVE Billy Joel! Thanks for those links! Haven't heard those songs in a long time!

MrMike - thank you for your kind words and support! I know what you're saying is true, which is why he's out and will never live in our home again, but it doesn't always stop the guilt from creeping up on me. On bad days (a LOT lately!) I feel like somehow I dropped the ball and that if I had tried harder, longer, stayed stronger, etc than maybe things wouldn't be this bad. On good days I feel content and I know that I've done everything in my power to help my difficult child. I've had a few more good days this week than I did last which is comforting. I can only hope that soon that will be the "norm" - more good than bad!

 

[scent of cedar]

I wanted you to know I am holding good thoughts for your family, JKF. When I do what feels like the right thing, I question myself, sometimes berate myself, over the other "right" things I might have chosen. I think your responses to your son have been the best, the healthiest, things for him. He will learn so much about himself over the coming days and nights.

It's really hard to be the mom. I wanted to support you.

You are loving your son enough to make the hard choices, the choices that will help him change his life.

Cedar

 

[DammitJanet]

Im sorry things have turned out this way but one thing Scent of Cedar wrote is so true and she got to thinking about it back when my son joined the Marines. She said she started thinking about all those young adults who are the same age as our difficult child's or even younger and they are not having such a great time but are doing what they signed up to do. She said she even cut out some pictures of young soldiers doing battle overseas and such. It helped her.

 

[Dancerat]

I agree. In fact, I told my co-workers today that very same thing. There are kids younger than my son fighting and sleeping in the rough overseas and would love to have a soft bed and paid everything. Entitlement. Self aggrandizement. Terrible things.

 

[scent of cedar]

You are right, Janet. That understanding helped me see my own son as the man he had become. As moms, we can weaken our sons by seeing them as weak and ineffectual, or we can strengthen them by seeing them as strong and capable, whatever they might be doing in the moment.

I am still learning about that one. I think sometimes I respond to the neediness (which I shouldn't) out of shock. What I need to do is hold steady and expect that my adult kids will deal with it. I am trying to do that, now. It's so much about whether I see them as capable adult people, or as foolish people who cannot take care of themselves.... You wouldn't think it would work this way with adult children, but I am wondering, lately, whether troubled adult kids are seeking attention in a way. I mean, think about this: when the kids are grown up, we tend not to focus on them. We've been through the wringer with them, and what we want to do is get back to our own lives. Maybe there is some underlying dynamic having to do with dependency or having made such bad decisions in the past that it affects the sense of efficacy now or ~ I don't know. But there is something so different going on with our troubled kids.

I wish I could figure it out.

But I do know that I am trying to interact with my children in a different, more positive way. Part of that is that I am trying to look at their actions as part of the adventures of their lives ~ not as my failure, but as their adventure, from which they will learn all the things they need to know.

It's a very different thing, for me.

Cedar