Son arrested

[bluebell]

I wonder how many threads are started with that title? We kicked our son out a few weeks ago and he was arrested Saturday night. I'm not sure what any of it is about I think it's a misdemeanor charge and he wasn't held on bail. He makes absolutely no sense and came over talking about how the cops took his wallet, etc. But we cannot get involved so he finally gave up and left after he only got blank stares and nods.
I read catmom's and child of mine's description of God having our children and us having to back away. That is what I have been trying to do. I didn't want to hack that thread (again) so I decided to write a new one.
I haven't gone to any of his court dates since he turned 18 (and he was still in juvie at the time - I got so many calls from juvie asking where I was, etc but at the end of the day they couldn't compel me to go with an adult - system is messed up). My dad just called me and wants me to go to court and compel them to put him in court ordered rehab. It's kind of upset my resolve. I won't do anything different but I still feel the pressure again. I told him son won't be bringing his mom to court with him and he got off phone real quick. Dad probably caught me at a bad time, I've been up with sick daughter all night and had to leave her to go to work (she's 17 and seemed better), of which he gave no cares about.
So frustrating to have these setbacks in motivation and resolve!

 

[RN0441]

Bluebell:

It sounds like you are very strong and doing the right thing! Many of us have needed therapy to get to the point you are at and that is very impressive!! I am sure it was not easy to get there for you.

I think the biggest thing for me was SEEING my son as an adult once he turned 18. It just was a hard transition for me to make. I'm "there" now thankfully!

You get it; you can't fix him and I applaud you!

 

[Copabanana]

he only got blank stares and nods.

I love this.

My dad just called me and wants me to go to court and compel them to put him in court ordered rehab.

I am of a divided mind on this. I can see your point of view. He got himself into this situation, he will get himself out, or not.

But I see your Dad's point of view: he is young with a drug addiction. He needs a family intervention. Sometimes the push has to come from loved ones. Sometimes it works. To go to court, to me, is not being enmeshed. It is not enabling. To me, it is not in itself, over the line.

The problem with all that--is that you have made a decision--based upon your process, values and your understanding of YOUR child and his and your needs.

Because your son is an adult, do you really have standing to demand court-ordered treatment? Or is your "standing" any more than that of your father? Can your father not himself go to the court?

And then, why is your Dad intervening in this to tell you to DO ANYTHING? That feels undermining.

It is clear to us that you are operating based upon a strongly held and well-thought sense of what is in your son's interest, your own, and your family's. Has your father sat down with you to understand YOU and YOUR position relative to your son? If not, that feels wrong to me that he would pressure you and guilt-trip you, if he has not taken the time to understand in a real way the merits of your position, and the needs and emotions which it is built upon.

None of us needs to be second-guessed in these hard, hard situations that we face. But at the same time we need all of the help and the support, and perspective that we can get. It is hard enough to GET TO any understanding of what is right, in situations which are fraught with danger, fear, sadness, guilt, responsibility and a million other mixed up things. At the same time I credit your father if he was coming from the place of care.

I wish this was not so hard....

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Bluebell,

I'm so sorry you are feeling pressure from family members. A suggestion, you could tell your dad that he could write a letter to the judge expressing his desire to have your son put in court ordered rehab.

Bottom line, you should not have to explain yourself to your dad or anyone else. Sometimes having "canned answers" can really help.
EX: Dad, I truly appreciate your concern and will give it some thought.
This way, you are validating him but also not committing to anything.

My son is also in jail. To be quite honest, I don't know how many times this makes as I have lost count. I have yet to share this information with my family as I know there will be the questions of "what can be done to help". I'm up in the air about that as they don't ask about him so why should I volunteer the information.

Your son like mine are adults. They have made choices that have landed them in jail. Not our doing and not our problem.

Sending you ((HUGS))

 

[bluebell]

Thank you Copa! We have put my son in facilities when he was underage but I do believe that none of this will help until he seeks care and I'm not interested in mandating care for him if it isn't wanted. Son knows when we kicked him out a few weeks ago that to come back he goes to rehab - first thing. I have it all set up ready to go, sponsor part of the application, pre certified insurance, copay in savings, etc. If he wants to go, then he will go. Also, since he is violent I am not in a mood to get into an adversarial position with him. Hate to quote Dr. Phil, but he says we must pick our battles, but the ones we pick we must WIN. And frankly, the private program he would go to voluntarily is ten times better than any program the court would mandate (but won't based on a misdemeanor).

My dad is a worry wart who operates on fear and has always encouraged me to throw money at my son in an attempt to fix this. I did that for a while. But I'm out of money and time off for him now. My dad is in the beginning stages of dementia, so he cannot go to any appointments, but he never did and he's always been this way. Doesn't explain any of it, but it does mean it's time for me to stop burdening him with this, and I have for the most part. I just mentioned the arrest because I thought it was something to say when he asked 'How is grandson doing?' I'm not a good liar but I must start trying the 'lie by omission' thing a little harder. My mother died when I was young and we were very close so I think I try to replicate that relationship with my father. Not working.

 

[Catmom]

Just read your post after coming from my therapist. I am not sure how many times you have tried to help your child, but I am sure it feels like a billion times! And they never listen to mom or dad. After all, your son is an adult and it isn't like you have more responsibility than anyone else does to make sure he gets treatment. Never second guess your actions, we all don't need that guilt on top of the heavy load of emotions that we are already carrying around bc of our children and their choices. I am going to court in April for my son to make sure the court understands that my son isn't doing probation or house arrest at my house. It just isn't happening. My son is going on 23 yrs old, and we have gone to court to " support" him many times and it yielded zero results. Not even a " thank you" for taking off work to be here. Or " hey, thanks for the ride". And it certainly didn't make him want to change. Sometimes change only comes when you are deserted and only have God to turn to.....

 

[bluebell]

Wow Tanya, you have told noone in your family that your son is in jail? You are my role model! Although I'm sure by the time my son is 35 (if he makes it and if he keeps this up) people will stop asking in my family as well. Sad to say but my dad will probably not be with us by then. Such a long, lonely road. Thank you all for your support!

 

[Copabanana]

I am sorry your father is developing dementia. Of course all of this makes sense in that light. And it must be so hard to want to share with him, but alas.

I do believe that none of this will help until he seeks care and I'm not interested in mandating care for him if it isn't wanted

Yes.

I keep pushing and prodding and pulling my son to do stuff he does not want to do.

I am finally seeing that it is ME who has the problem. Thank you for posting. I admire your clarity and your strength.

Take care.

 

[Catmom]

Amazing the stress of dealing with our adult children on top of other issues that are part of life. Like losing a parent, dealing with the health of parents or the somewhat more normal problems that our other children face. I am sorry to hear about your father.

 

[bluebell]

Thanks catmom! I'm glad you made it to therapy today. We have helped son many times and no never a thank you. Actually quite the opposite, everything(and I do mean everything) was our fault for many years. Among other things, my husband quit his job for 2 years to 'babysit' him between the ages of 16 and 18. It was just too much, amazing how much space he expanded to fill and he would just take more until we stopped. So hard to imagine my other child taking up that much space or to be acting in such a way that demanded those kinds of sacrifices and never ever feeling guilty about it or changing.

 

[bluebell]

I would be going to court for those reasons as well, catmom. I noticed on the paperwork he still lists our address. That could be a problem. Good luck!

 

[Copabanana]

I noticed on the paperwork he still lists our address.

The address....

They really manifest their true issue with the address: their ambivalence about growing up and away; their craving still the same parental protections while fighting to be "free" of them.

How many of our difficult children under 30 consider themselves and create themselves as emancipated to the extent that they have their own address? I had my own address at 19, and was self-supporting at 17.

The one upside of all of this is that I am forced to acknowledge what I did do in my own life against all odds. I try to not rub this in my son's face but when he makes excuses for lack of time, etcetera (he has no commitments what so ever) I shake my head.

 

[Tanya M]

My son has never lived in the home I'm in now and yet somehow over the years there will be that occasional piece of mail. Anytime I get any mail for him I quickly write on it "Does not live at this address"

He has also given my cell phone number as a "contact" person and have had calls from collection agencies. I have told them that he did not have my permission to give out my cell number or put me down as a contact person and to remove my name and number from their data base.

 

[bluebell]

Yes Copa! I was not self sufficient as early as you, but I did graduate hs a year early, kept a full scholarship, graduated at the top of my class and moved out of my parent's house (that I helped cook and clean like I owned the place while in college). At 22 I had a corporate job with benefits, a car loan and a mortgage. I know it is not the speed of my maturity that matters, because slow and steady usually wins the race too, but my son is not even out of the starting gate. I had a sense of urgency about this a couple of years ago, when all of his childhood friends were graduating and moving on - it was very difficult for me. Now, a couple of years have passed since that season, and I am much more at peace with the fact that for him, there is no starting gate and most likely never will be. He is destined to struggle thru life, despite his intelligence and other gifts. You have to wake up every day and want it, and you have to be a conformist to some extent. It's hard for me not to rub this in my son's face as well.

 

[Copabanana]

I am much more at peace with the fact that for him, there is no starting gate and most likely never will be. He is destined to struggle thru life, despite his intelligence and other gifts.

This was painful to read.

Despite the fact that my son is older, I keep holding onto the idea that he will grow out of it, delusional I know.

This is our central struggle now. My wanting for him, and his resisting.

His wanting to be close to us, for security, for companionship and comfort and family--and us using that need--to force change.

Let me tell you: It does not work.

Bluebell, I posted a thread in PE earlier today, about this very thing. If you or others have a few minutes (I am long-winded) I would love your input.