lostmyson,
I just HAD to respond to you as our "board names" are somewhat similar. I'm an LMS too!
Wanted you to know I can relate with the shameful feelings.
When my difficult child's first started their drug/alcohol use, husband and I, were in a very close knit church group. I was so disrought and we were the ONLY ones that this was happening too. It was a "home" church group if you will.
And it wasn't just the church group...easy child had "popular friends" from school and our neighborhood that were no longer allowed to associate with my easy child daughter due to her brothers' situation.
On top of it...It wasn't just one child falling apart, but two. And I had tried so desperately hard to give them a perfect childhood so as to avoid them ever feeling that they belonged to the "drug scene". I couldn't imagine after all of my efforts how this could happen to us! I was very angry too and took it personally. As if they "did this thing" to hurts us. I know better now...but it took years and lots of support from this board, Al Anon, Family's Anon, AA, and counceling from the boys rehab to get to this point.
I know now that husband and I were not to blame...we did give our best. As I am sure you have too.
I do think the other's are right that drinking/drugging cannot continue around your daughter. Anything can happen and often does when dealing with all that goes along with living with an addict. The situation can get quickly out of control and police or ambulances having to intervene, etc. Not a situation your daughter needs in her life.
I am glad you all are not bailing out your son and letting him "dry out" meanwhile. Hopefully he will stop long enough to consider what the "next right thing" should be in his life.
by the way, my young difficult child, who is 23 yrs old now and a husband and father of 3, is in prison. He should be paroled out in December and will be coming home to live with husband and I. He also has abused benzo's, xanax, but mostly pain medications and alcohol. He cannot use in our home again...or he will be asked to leave and it makes my heart so very sad to think of that happening but we must say no more. We can't tolerate it.
I am sure I will be asking for alot of help from the board come December.
Mostly I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that you are definitely not alone. Many of us have walked this hard road and are here for each other.
We're here now for you and your son too.
Oh and it is also VERY important that you and your husband stick with a plan together whatever it is. That you guys are on the same page. Your difficult child may try/has tried to manipulate you or win you over with those "motherly feelings" and it is so very difficult to draw the hard line in the sand when our "mommy hearts" are tugged at...If your husband is like mine he takes no responsibility for your difficult child's seemingly lacktherein. I know my husband doesn't. In fact, my husband has told me that if "it weren't for his mamma, difficult child would NOT be coming home to live with us again". So I'm already on "shaky ground" so to speak, smile. Oh it's tough and so very hard on us...But we do need those strong husband's in our lives...they are not "afraid" of "what will happen", Know what I mean?? They do not take total responsibility for the outcome like we tend to, sigh.
Anyway, hugs and care for you.
I'm glad you found us.
LMS