Son Homeless

[NovemberRain]

A year ago, my son who is 23, was diagnosed with yet another disorder, anxiety disorder. He has had many diagnoses: ADHD, ODD, Mood Disorder not otherwise specified, Bipolar not otherwise specified, but I believe his biggest issue is that he has Intermittent Explosive Disorder. I got him into a community residence Feb. 2020 and yesterday he was evicted for his explosive behaviors and verbal abuse, etc. I will not take him in as he verbally abused me and my daughter for years. He tried to manipulate my 86 year old mother yesterday into taking him in, and I said I would get an Order of Protection if he doesn't leave her alone. He is now staying at a homeless shelter. He is blowing up Facebook with live videos saying what a horrible person I am and asking for money through a Go Fund Me, calling family members and people I know asking if he can live with them. A boyfriend I dated years ago called me at work to say he called him asking to live with him. He is very personable and he is like two different people. People didn't believe he was abusing me and my daughter, even some family members. But now it's out there because his group home evicted him. I told him until he gets help for his Intermittent Explosive Disorder I don't want him contacting me. He said I don't have that. I left a voice message on his newest therapist's phone saying I believe he also has that disorder and that he has been evicted from his residence. I'm mentally tired, exhausted, sick and can't do this anymore. I needed to vent. Thank you for listening.

 

[Copabanana]

He is now staying at a homeless shelter.

Hi November Rain. Welcome. A homeless shelter is where he belongs. Everything you write makes sense and is a logical consequence of his behaviors and his acts. It's neither here nor there that he accepts reality--in terms of what you do. The important thing is that we accept reality and act based on reality. You are.

He is blowing up Facebook with live videos saying what a horrible person I am and asking for money through a Go Fund Me, calling family members and people I know asking if he can live with them.

You have no control over what he does. You can choose to call these people, not defensively but to advise them of the circumstances, but you are not responsible. I know how hard this is. It has happened to me with neighbors and friends.

I told him until he gets help for his Intermittent Explosive Disorder I don't want him contacting me. He said I don't have that

Again, what he thinks, says and does is his business. The thing is he can't do it around you, your house, or your daughter. I think I might speak in terms of behaviors rather than diagnoses. But he knows what he does. You don't have to justify or explain anything.

I'm mentally tired, exhausted, sick and can't do this anymore.

Who wouldn't be? This is the time for the kinds of boundaries you have already begun to make. He can't be in your home. You're right. And as long as he yells, demeans, mocks, berates, puts down, or otherwise abuses you or your daughter, he can't be near you.

All of us here understand how hard this is; how hard it is with a homeless child or a child in a shelter. This has been going on with my own 32-year son for 9 years.

I am so sorry you are in this tough, tough spot. You are doing exactly the right things. If you continue it will get better. Verbal abuse is abuse. Your son is responsible for his behavior and he is responsible to get treatment to control it.

 

[MissLulu]

Hello November Rain,
I can’t add much to what Copa has already said, but just wanted to voice my support. In my opinion, you have done everything right, everything possible to help him whilst protecting your daughter and yourself from harm.

It’s exhausting having these kids in our lives. Even when they are stable we live in fear of a flare up. And when the flare ups come they are soul destroying. I completely understand.

I think we need to remember that while they are our children, they are fully grown adults and need to take responsibility for their own lives. I know you already know this, I’m just reiterating it because when my son has a flare up I begin to doubt myself.

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
You are not alone. Please vent here as much as you want.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Hi November Rain, Sending hugs and supportive thoughts! Your son's disorder sounds just like my son's. I have come to believe that somehow these boys, when faced with the difficult life decisions they need to take, try to find an easier way. This easier way usually means abusing, manipulating and intimidating their nearest and dearest until they give in to their demands. It's basically blackmail, and it does neither them or you any good to give in to it. You are doing the right thing!

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

PS I'm not entirely sure what use these labels (explosive disorder, etc) are. I do get that these kids are anxious. It's just being selfish, lazy and lacking empathy for anyone else on top of being anxious, it doesn't make for a good situation! Sorry if that sounds facetious. It's not like I haven't thought about it...believe me I have!!

 

[Acacia]

I told him until he gets help for his Intermittent Explosive Disorder I don't want him contacting me.

I can relate to your exhaustion, frustration, and feeling sick over your son's behavior. Because of their mental illnesses, addiction, and verbal abuse I have little to no contact with my two older adult children.

No contact is appropriate to protect yourself. My only suggestion is not to label him with a diagnosis - I've learned that my two are in total denial and are highly reactive to any label. All you have to say is that you will not allow anyone to verbally abuse you.

My two tell everyone how horrible I am because I will not rescue them anymore. It hurts, but it's out of my control. Consequently they don't want me in their lives. My two like your son can be very charming when they want something, so they fool others - at least for a while. Your son will do everything he can to keep you in a FOG of fear, obligation, and guilt.

This is hard work to set and keep boundaries, to love your children, but to let them learn from the consequences of their behavior, and to learn to put your well-being first. I've learned that there can be serenity in the storm if I take care of myself.

 

[JMom]

told him until he gets help for his Intermittent Explosive Disorder I don't want him contacting me.

- I think this was a very wise choice. I have not had to deal with explosive behaviors, so I can be of no help here but I will pray for your son to pull through.
Hugs, JMOM