Son in prison

[Suzanne]

I read and learn everyday from this wonderful site, yet, I can't sleep. My son, has been given money over and over for ten years...for halfway homes, new bedding, clothes, etc. Last year his girlfriend had a beautiful baby girl, lived with us for three months until we couldn't do it any longer. Insanity...the state was so slow putting girlfriend in rehab. We kicked them out ( I feel so guilty, but, in our 60s, we began having many heart issues). Thankfully, girlfriend is now completing six month Mommy and me rehab at end of month. My son however, has been in many rehabs, over six hospitals, halfway homes and is in so much debt. He was living under a boardwalk for a week after leaving transitional housing and was arrested last week for not showing up for a court date. He is in county jail. He bought a senior ticket for train pass too save money and got charged, along with another drug incident. I cant stop crying and was just released from hospital for another time from heart afib. My husband is 67 had major heart bypass 20 yrs ago, and is feeling weak. Our son, is fun, bright and handsome. He had his choices, we almost bailed him out yesterday after I spoke to him on phone. He cried, he cried...please get me out of here... it is horrible here. Over crowding, sleeping on floor and is in cell 23 hours, one hr in community room. My heart is breaking. I need words of strength from anyone who can help me get through this. He wants to be with girlfriend and precious baby. But, we can see him asking for money. We don't have. It is such a sad situation, like so many of you all experienced. Thank you. I just want to hug my son..

Shew I can relate to you my 39yr old Son is in prison due to violating a protection order against him as he cannot move on and his ex fiance moved on straight away and he is not allowed near his 2 daughters. So he continuously harassed her night and day. I wish he would wake up. He originally was a cocaine addict which his ex joined him on occasions but.with him he used non stop. We warned him he would loose everything which he did. She enabled him to keep the peace. Then when she could not anymore he would go into fits of rage threatening his family. She was too scared to leave him then one day through social service woman who work with the police had him arrested for Domestic violence. We bailed him out twice now they put him in prison. It is so sad for any mother to go through this actually heartbreaking to see your son self destruct. All I know it's affecting my second marriage and sometimes I feel all alone and although his two siblings support me I am the one who faces it all and I am the only one he has got. I have no answers but I have prayed and handed it over to God with the knowledge that he knows best so it brings me peace
Even though I am still there for my Son with unconditional love God directs me and I write my journal each day to God to protect him from bodily harm. I feel at peace at the moment as I know we're he is and he cannot dig the hole any deeper. It's a long journey but at the end of the day we need to look after ourselves and try to form boundaries. Hope you find the peace of God within you. Nothing is impossible with him through Jesus Christ.
.

 

[Childofmine]

Hi Suzanne, we are glad you are here with us. I love what you wrote below.

I feel at peace at the moment as I know we're he is and he cannot dig the hole any deeper. It's a long journey but at the end of the day we need to look after ourselves and try to form boundaries.

When my son was in jail, I felt the same way. I could actually relax and breathe.

I hope you ARE looking after yourself right now. That is Job #1.

Things will take care of themselves without our involvement. The day I started learning that was a great day for me.

 

[mof]

Suzanne,

Your pain is palpable. You have done everything you can do...many times.

He has made choices, had chances. He is safe...just not his rules, he lost that freedom.

You need support....he is not tied to you, an article on detachment on this site can be helpful. You need your health and your husband's.

You love him...pray for him..but the rest is him. He is child, but has one!

Hoping you get the support you need...we're here.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Hi Suzanne. I'm sorry for your struggles with your son. It is very hard on us parents to watch our kids self destruct.

You may find the article at the bottom of my post on Detachment interesting. A book that may be helpful is Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. For many of us getting into therapy, a support group or a 12 step group has changed our lives and offered us the support we need to begin the process of letting go and accepting what we can't change. While your son is in prison, it may be an excellent time for you to put the focus on yourself and remember how to take care of YOU, often we forget that we have needs too and that WE matter.

Hang in there, you're not alone.........we're here for you.......

 

[RN0441]

Sorry for your pain.

I, for one, would never bail my son out of jail if he were ever arrested. He would have to suffer the consequences of his actions.

Your son is a grown man. You need to take care of yourself and your husband. I would not answer the phone when he calls if that is all he wants.

((Hugs))

 

[jetsam]

sorry for your anguish! I can relate. My son was arrested for not showing up to court (Bench warrant) due to a possession of heroin charge. He thought he could just not go and was going to skip town. Thank god for divine intervention lol The police showed up at the door at 8:30 in the morning and that ended any thought of "skipping town" For days we received phone calls from jail him begging us to bail him out. According to him they were hitting him, stealing his food, anything he could think of for us to bail him out! We said NO. Mind u this was only after numerous times helping him pay fines , court costs, driver assessment fees you name it we enabled it. We finally had enough. We stuck to our guns and did not not bail him out. It was the best sleep I had gotten in months! He spent 2 months in jail. He could have gotten out earlier if he had agreed to drug court but the rules and drug testing for the program were more than what he was willing to agree to so he did the time instead. (can't make them get better if they don't want to.) I understand the pain! Continue to keep the faith . In my thoughts

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Sorry for your pain.

I, for one, would never bail my son out of jail if he were ever arrested. He would have to suffer the consequences of his actions.

Your son is a grown man. You need to take care of yourself and your husband. I would not answer the phone when he calls if that is all he wants.

((Hugs))

Ditto here RN, I didn't bail son out of jail either. He was out of control, running the streets with a bad crowd, calling me with night-mare drama, begging for help with money and telling me people were after him. I finally got peace when he was in jail. He was able to break the cycle of craziness, to think, dwell on his life, his choices.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Shew I can relate to you my 39yr old Son is in prison due to violating a protection order against him as he cannot move on and his ex fiance moved on straight away and he is not allowed near his 2 daughters. So he continuously harassed her night and day. I wish he would wake up. He originally was a cocaine addict which his ex joined him on occasions but.with him he used non stop. We warned him he would loose everything which he did. She enabled him to keep the peace. Then when she could not anymore he would go into fits of rage threatening his family. She was too scared to leave him then one day through social service woman who work with the police had him arrested for Domestic violence. We bailed him out twice now they put him in prison. It is so sad for any mother to go through this actually heartbreaking to see your son self destruct. All I know it's affecting my second marriage and sometimes I feel all alone and although his two siblings support me I am the one who faces it all and I am the only one he has got. I have no answers but I have prayed and handed it over to God with the knowledge that he knows best so it brings me peace
Even though I am still there for my Son with unconditional love God directs me and I write my journal each day to God to protect him from bodily harm. I feel at peace at the moment as I know we're he is and he cannot dig the hole any deeper. It's a long journey but at the end of the day we need to look after ourselves and try to form boundaries. Hope you find the peace of God within you. Nothing is impossible with him through Jesus Christ.
.[/QUOTE

Suzanne, I am sorry you are going through this and sometimes have to walk it alone. My son caused lot of stress on my marriage. I finally gave my son to the Lord and it took 16 years for son to finally change his life. In those 16 years, the Lord did protect him in many ways by bringing good people, ministers, into his life, who helped him, saved him many times. Of course, he wouldn't listen, and would do things his way again, only to end up with same result. Finally he moved out of state and met a Minister at McDonald's who helped him find a place to live. He is doing very well but it took long time. The only way I survived was realizing I had no control, I had to let him fall many times and the let the Lord take the wheel. Prayers for you and your family.