Son out of control. Wants to move in with deadbeat dad.

[Ain’t No Sunshine]

My son is 15 years old and I have been struggling with him for the last year and half. However, things have now escalated and are out of control. My son was arrested few weeks ago for possession of synthetic marijuana. Naturally, I was not happy when I had to pick him up from jail and when I started to question him and told him he was grounded, he began to tell me to “shut the f*** up” and calling me a “f’ing b****”, etc... Things got worse when we got home and he became violent (which he never had done before) throwing things around the house, cursing at me and my husband (his step father of 9 years) and then bolted out the front door. This was around 10:00 pm and he decided to come home around 2:00 am. Then decided to post all over his Facebook what a b****. I was and that he hated me. I decided I was done fighting for the night so I just told him to go to bed and we would talk in the morning in which he responded with f*** you.

Next day, I drove him to school and he continued to be verbally abusive. Came home that day after work and he was in bed sleeping. I made dinner and peaked in his room to tell him dinner was ready in which he replied f*** you. I ignored him and shut the door and he then began to get violent again. Punching holes in the wall, throwing things and then cursing and calling my husband obscene names. I went in his room and yelled at him to please stop. When he began calling me names again, I smacked his mouth and he then turned to hit me (he missed) and then kicked me. I was shocked, I never thought my son would have ever hit me. Out of anger, I told him to get out of my house and my husband chased him out. My son did not come home that night. I stayed home from work the next day because all of this was making me physically sick. My son came home around 11:00 am (skipped school). He said to me that he didn’t want to talk to me, he hated living with me, and he wants to go live with his dad.

This is not the first time my son has said he wants to go live with his dad. This started about a year and half ago and i feel like i have walked on eggshells around him ever since. At the time, I was heartbroken but adamant he was not moving there as it was not in his best interest. My ex is an alcoholic, chronic marijuana smoker, and dabbles in other drugs. He has 4 kids with 3 different baby mommas and has never paid child support for any of them including mine for which his drivers license is suspended. He also lives off girlfriends and has not had a job in 6 years. But none the less both my sons think he is the greatest guy on the planet. I’m sure because he is more of a friend than a father. My oldest son who is 19 moved out of my home about a year ago and chose to move in with him (they live about 6 hours away). My boys are close so I’m sure he misses his brother as well.

Now my son seems to be persistant in making my life a living hell until I give him what he wants, which is to move to his dads. He verbally abuses me and threatens me every day. He’s been purposely failing school and says he will continue until i let him move. I know my son is addicted to marijuana and is probably experimenting with other drugs. Depression/Anxiety runs in my family so i believe he is self medicating. Because this is my sons first offense, the court assigned him only a 6 week drug counseling at a state funded facility where quite frankly my son is learning nothing. He needs help but he refuses to go to a psychologist. I am afraid to force him to do anything (not sure I could anyway) out of fear of retaliation. My husband is threatening to leave me because he can’t take it anymore. I just don’t know what to do! My son is and always comes first in my life but I feel like my hands are tied at this point. Should I just let my son go to his dads and hope for the best and let him deal with our son? He respects his dad and would never treat him the way he’s treating me. Or do I continue to fight this battle and live in complete fear and anxiety and possibly lose my husband? Right now I just can’t seem see any light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like its a lose lose situation for my son either way.

Thank you to anyone taking the time to read this. Any advice is valued and appreciated.

 

[Kalahou]

Hello Aint No Sunshine,
I just want to acknowledge your post. I can hear your pain and desperation. I welcome you to the forum, but am so sorry for the reasons you had to find us. This is a safe place to land, and I know the relief of just telling your story to others who have lived through similar heartache and understand.

I do not have personal specific advice for you now, as my difficult child son is much older and I am in a different situation, but there are many here who have experienced the same / similar circumstances as you describe. More folks will come along soon, to share their wisdom and guidance. Just reading others' posts here can provide much insight, and help you know that you are not alone in these circumstances. We understand and are all in this together.
Hang in there and stay with us. Take care.

 

[Sam3]

Welcome and I’m so sorry.

This is very difficult and heartbreaking. I hope you find comfort in this site and knowing you are not alone.

The behavior is, unfortunately, something from an ugly textbook they must have all memorized. I know how the constant stress, disrespect and sheer panic at the idea that we cannot keep them safe, can make us want to slap the sense into them. And even go there.

But it doesn’t work. And I fear for your safety with a growing teen who treated it like a fight, instead of a mother’s desperation. Also certain drugs can turn them violent, so eggshells and not engaging is the right place to be in that moment. But certainly, there should be a firm understanding that he has crossed a line with his words and actions.

He is acting unparentable in your home.

And he’s blackmailing you with his well being. At his age, the law requires that he attend school, and it is important for his future. Failing school means he fails school.

But I know full well the logic of the raging child. Maybe under that is a lot of pain and confusion. Or depression and anxiety as you suspect. I honestly don’t know the answer to how we help them ease it. I am struggling with this myself. And the options are different once they turn 18.

At 15, I would do anything I could to stand between my son and drugs, and try to find any hooks to keep him from spiraling.

Are the other adults in his life even close on what he needs?

Does your ex have any standards for your kids doing drugs, attending school, getting professional help etc? Does his current girlfriend? Does the ex have rights to custody or visitation? Has he insisted on keeping a consistent relationship with the boys?

Are you in touch with your 19 year old? Is he using? Is he responsible, is he well?

It would be wonderful if the adults could agree on a plan. Maybe condition a move on him seeing a therapist, considering medication, getting involved in something healthy that he might be interested in, his brother stepping up, seeing if his new school can hook him up with a tutor to catch up, the adults help him with his current legal problems.

Giving him the best chance at a new start. And maybe getting the adults on the same page could help should you need a backup plan.

Right now, he sees you as part of the problem (which you are not), but if he could see you want to work with him to ease his pain and get him on a healthy path, with a chance at new friends etc. Instead of something he wants to run from or who sees him as too hard to handle. I see that as making lemonade.

 

[Littleboylost]

Welcome. AN Sunshine;

My goodness your story is like a mirror to mine my son is now 18. Things are marginally improving. I do not hold my breathe that this will be A permanent change living in the now. Setting strong boundaries and living one day at a time. Rewarding good behaviour, not allowing drug behaviour and coping the best way we can.

We have no extended family that my son can rely upon so when he leaves he couch surfs or streets it. We are hopeful he is getting tired of this life.

When they are so out of control it is so hard to manage. You need to set strong boundaries and protect yourself.

We have been where you are as many others here have. Know you are not alone.

Seek any and very support you can for yourself.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Who has legal custody of your son?

 

[susiestar]

I am going to say this with love and respect for you and for your son.

Do not hit your son again. If he EVER is violent to you again, call the cops (911) or have your husband or other children do this if they are not in the room and can do it without being seen, and press charges against him for assault. The more often he gets away with hitting you, the more it will be okay with him.

If you hear him breaking your home, or he is destroying your property, press charges against him. Get the cops involved when he is violent. File a CHINS petition with the court. This is a Child In Need of Supervision. It gets a Probation Officer for him, someone to set rules and do drug tests and enforce limits other than you. It may or may not work.

You have VERY little time to fight for your son. Just 3 years left before he is an adult. You have to do what you can to show him you love him. Do what you think is in his best interest. Of course, if you think this is already beyond salvaging, then maybe it is time to let go and hope he one day will come back to you.

Don't hang on so hard, and so tight that you let him kill you. Sometimes kids really do get that violent with parents. Right now it sounds like he is deep into some kind of drug use. Synthetic marijuana is not a harmless substance. Have you ever drug tested him? The kind where someone actually watched him go rather than giving him privacy as he gave his sample? Many people who think their parents will drug test them will stash urine so that they can fool their parents. Yes, it is gross, but they do it all the time. Or they use apple juice or other things to fake it.

As it is, I would not give him anything. Keep everything with any financial information locked up. Especially your phones and tablets and computers. Keep all medications, no matter what kind, locked up. I hope you searched his room while he was gone. Don't give him money for anything. Don't pay a phone bill for him. Does he drive? Don't give him access to a car. Disable the car if he drives or has a habit of taking your car without permission. One member had her teenage son cut her money and her car keys out of the jeans she was wearing while she slept in them. The last money she had in the world.

Difficult kids only think about what they want. Difficult kids on drugs think about even less. The only thing in the world with any meaning to them is the drug. That is it. If there are other children in the house, you must weigh their safety and emotional health into this situation. They will be scarred by his actions. Take them out of the house and somewhere you can talk privately. Let them know that it is okay for siblings to cover for each other. Sometimes those secrets need to come out even if the sibling might get mad. Mom and Dad will protect them no matter what (and you will have to do that even if it means sending him away if you act on anything they tell you at any time). Let them know that this is for his safety and safety is the most important thing we can do for each other. Do what you can to get them to tell you whatever they know about what is going on with him.

Part of me wonders if there is gang or deeper drug involvement. If he is involved with a gang, you may not be able to safely have him in your home. Your home will be a target for every rival gang in the area. It will also be a target if he messes up within his own gang. His behavior makes me think drugs are more likely, but gangs and drugs often go hand in hand.

If he is already addicted, you can become very invested and involved in getting him into IOP and PHP and many other programs. You cannot make him get clean or stay clean or improve in any real way. Unless and until he is ready to get and stay clean, he won't. He just won't. What you can do is not enable him. Provide only the very basics. Food, but not food he likes. Shelter, but not the cushy room that he liked. Take out things he could hide drugs in, broken things, nice things, computer, tablet, etc.... He can use those at school or the library if he needs them. Don't give him a phone, don't pay for phone service. He will only use it to contact his dealer. Or to sell drugs to pay for his drugs. Don't EVER give him money or any kind of gift or gift card that could be sold for money. If he needs money for a school project, take it to the school yourself. Or most schools have a way to pay online. Tell him it is because you do not trust him. You don't, do you? Why sugarcoat it.

Get yourself to AlAnon or NarcAnon family meetings and consider seeing a private therapist with experience in treating family members of those with substance abuse issues. It is important to get support because this is a long, very hard ugly thing to go through.

I don't envy you these years. They were awful with my oldest son. I thought he would end up killing or maiming one of us and then end up in a prison cell or grave himself. He is now almost 27 and is a total delight. Where he once thought it was incredibly abusive of me to even say "Hi" to him, now he gives me hugs and stops to talk to me every time he sees me. So there is hope but it may be a long road.

 

[Littleboylost]

I am going to say this with love and respect for you and for your son.

Do not hit your son again. If he EVER is violent to you again, call the cops (911) or have your husband or other children do this if they are not in the room and can do it without being seen, and press charges against him for assault. The more often he gets away with hitting you, the more it will be okay with him.

If you hear him breaking your home, or he is destroying your property, press charges against him. Get the cops involved when he is violent. File a CHINS petition with the court. This is a Child In Need of Supervision. It gets a Probation Officer for him, someone to set rules and do drug tests and enforce limits other than you. It may or may not work.

You have VERY little time to fight for your son. Just 3 years left before he is an adult. You have to do what you can to show him you love him. Do what you think is in his best interest. Of course, if you think this is already beyond salvaging, then maybe it is time to let go and hope he one day will come back to you.

Don't hang on so hard, and so tight that you let him kill you. Sometimes kids really do get that violent with parents. Right now it sounds like he is deep into some kind of drug use. Synthetic marijuana is not a harmless substance. Have you ever drug tested him? The kind where someone actually watched him go rather than giving him privacy as he gave his sample? Many people who think their parents will drug test them will stash urine so that they can fool their parents. Yes, it is gross, but they do it all the time. Or they use apple juice or other things to fake it.

As it is, I would not give him anything. Keep everything with any financial information locked up. Especially your phones and tablets and computers. Keep all medications, no matter what kind, locked up. I hope you searched his room while he was gone. Don't give him money for anything. Don't pay a phone bill for him. Does he drive? Don't give him access to a car. Disable the car if he drives or has a habit of taking your car without permission. One member had her teenage son cut her money and her car keys out of the jeans she was wearing while she slept in them. The last money she had in the world.

Difficult kids only think about what they want. Difficult kids on drugs think about even less. The only thing in the world with any meaning to them is the drug. That is it. If there are other children in the house, you must weigh their safety and emotional health into this situation. They will be scarred by his actions. Take them out of the house and somewhere you can talk privately. Let them know that it is okay for siblings to cover for each other. Sometimes those secrets need to come out even if the sibling might get mad. Mom and Dad will protect them no matter what (and you will have to do that even if it means sending him away if you act on anything they tell you at any time). Let them know that this is for his safety and safety is the most important thing we can do for each other. Do what you can to get them to tell you whatever they know about what is going on with him.

Part of me wonders if there is gang or deeper drug involvement. If he is involved with a gang, you may not be able to safely have him in your home. Your home will be a target for every rival gang in the area. It will also be a target if he messes up within his own gang. His behavior makes me think drugs are more likely, but gangs and drugs often go hand in hand.

If he is already addicted, you can become very invested and involved in getting him into IOP and PHP and many other programs. You cannot make him get clean or stay clean or improve in any real way. Unless and until he is ready to get and stay clean, he won't. He just won't. What you can do is not enable him. Provide only the very basics. Food, but not food he likes. Shelter, but not the cushy room that he liked. Take out things he could hide drugs in, broken things, nice things, computer, tablet, etc.... He can use those at school or the library if he needs them. Don't give him a phone, don't pay for phone service. He will only use it to contact his dealer. Or to sell drugs to pay for his drugs. Don't EVER give him money or any kind of gift or gift card that could be sold for money. If he needs money for a school project, take it to the school yourself. Or most schools have a way to pay online. Tell him it is because you do not trust him. You don't, do you? Why sugarcoat it.

Get yourself to AlAnon or NarcAnon family meetings and consider seeing a private therapist with experience in treating family members of those with substance abuse issues. It is important to get support because this is a long, very hard ugly thing to go through.

I don't envy you these years. They were awful with my oldest son. I thought he would end up killing or maiming one of us and then end up in a prison cell or grave himself. He is now almost 27 and is a total delight. Where he once thought it was incredibly abusive of me to even say "Hi" to him, now he gives me hugs and stops to talk to me every time he sees me. So there is hope but it may be a long road.

Powerful and wise advise. Oh how I like the ending!

 

[RN0441]

Dear Sunshine

Oh what a horrible story.

The first thing I thought of when I read your story is to get the police involve immediately! There is no way you should be putting up with this kind of behavior in your home.

I have a confession. I think I'd let him go live with his dad. Let him SEE what living like a thug is like. You are not going to be able to stop this behavior in your home. It's clear that he has the upper hand here.

All he needs to know if that you love him. I would not let him back in my home until he is sober and respectful. I know this is hard stuff.

Keep posting here because it helps and we get it!

 

[BusynMember]

I would also let him go. Its your safety at stake. He is maybe the size of a man by now. If not he will be soon.

I agree dont hit him, no matter what. That will not cause his respect plus he is going to fight back.

I am sorry you have had to deal with this. I would not live with him again. Perhaps he can get out of home treatment in a residential facility.

 

[It'sbeentoolong]

My son is 15 years old and I have been struggling with him for the last year and half. However, things have now escalated and are out of control. My son was arrested few weeks ago for possession of synthetic marijuana. Naturally, I was not happy when I had to pick him up from jail and when I started to question him and told him he was grounded, he began to tell me to “shut the f*** up” and calling me a “f’ing b****”, etc... Things got worse when we got home and he became violent (which he never had done before) throwing things around the house, cursing at me and my husband (his step father of 9 years) and then bolted out the front door. This was around 10:00 pm and he decided to come home around 2:00 am. Then decided to post all over his Facebook what a b****. I was and that he hated me. I decided I was done fighting for the night so I just told him to go to bed and we would talk in the morning in which he responded with f*** you.

Next day, I drove him to school and he continued to be verbally abusive. Came home that day after work and he was in bed sleeping. I made dinner and peaked in his room to tell him dinner was ready in which he replied f*** you. I ignored him and shut the door and he then began to get violent again. Punching holes in the wall, throwing things and then cursing and calling my husband obscene names. I went in his room and yelled at him to please stop. When he began calling me names again, I smacked his mouth and he then turned to hit me (he missed) and then kicked me. I was shocked, I never thought my son would have ever hit me. Out of anger, I told him to get out of my house and my husband chased him out. My son did not come home that night. I stayed home from work the next day because all of this was making me physically sick. My son came home around 11:00 am (skipped school). He said to me that he didn’t want to talk to me, he hated living with me, and he wants to go live with his dad.

This is not the first time my son has said he wants to go live with his dad. This started about a year and half ago and i feel like i have walked on eggshells around him ever since. At the time, I was heartbroken but adamant he was not moving there as it was not in his best interest. My ex is an alcoholic, chronic marijuana smoker, and dabbles in other drugs. He has 4 kids with 3 different baby mommas and has never paid child support for any of them including mine for which his drivers license is suspended. He also lives off girlfriends and has not had a job in 6 years. But none the less both my sons think he is the greatest guy on the planet. I’m sure because he is more of a friend than a father. My oldest son who is 19 moved out of my home about a year ago and chose to move in with him (they live about 6 hours away). My boys are close so I’m sure he misses his brother as well.

Now my son seems to be persistant in making my life a living hell until I give him what he wants, which is to move to his dads. He verbally abuses me and threatens me every day. He’s been purposely failing school and says he will continue until i let him move. I know my son is addicted to marijuana and is probably experimenting with other drugs. Depression/Anxiety runs in my family so i believe he is self medicating. Because this is my sons first offense, the court assigned him only a 6 week drug counseling at a state funded facility where quite frankly my son is learning nothing. He needs help but he refuses to go to a psychologist. I am afraid to force him to do anything (not sure I could anyway) out of fear of retaliation. My husband is threatening to leave me because he can’t take it anymore. I just don’t know what to do! My son is and always comes first in my life but I feel like my hands are tied at this point. Should I just let my son go to his dads and hope for the best and let him deal with our son? He respects his dad and would never treat him the way he’s treating me. Or do I continue to fight this battle and live in complete fear and anxiety and possibly lose my husband? Right now I just can’t seem see any light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like its a lose lose situation for my son either way.

Thank you to anyone taking the time to read this. Any advice is valued and appreciated.

 

[It'sbeentoolong]

I want to validate your feelings that come from being in an out of control crises. I agree that his father's would be a detrimental place for him to go. I think you need to contact the state-funded facility and report your son's violent behavior. I'm guessing he must have a probation officer. I think you need to report this to the court and probation officer too. He sounds like he needs some inpatient help.