Son with ADHD/ODD need to talk

[Marguerite]

"Aggressive Impulsive ADHD" - yep, that's a new one on me as well. But then, Ross Greene describes "inflexible explosive" which sounds to me like an alternative description of ODD. I think it's possible that some doctors have their own pet labels and sub-groups, which may not always appear in the DSM criteria. After all, long before something is in DSM, it's being kicked around by a few doctors to consider the possibilities...

I emphasise - get your hands on "The Explosive Child" because often we're trying to parent our children with methods we were raised with (and WE turned out OK, didn't we?) but for our kids, this can actually make them worse. "Explosive Child" helped us see the flip side of discipline and find a method which makes it easier, instead of more difficult.
I don't generally recommend books, I'm more in favour of trying to get into your child's head and think laterally - but in this case, the book really helps. You take from it what works and leave what doesn't fit.

The important thing is to be open to ideas, to be able to think laterally and to be prepared to listen to your own instincts.

As for prayer - yes, if you are a person of faith. However, this is a secular site regardless of the personal faith position of the site owners and/or moderators. We do need to keep this in mind when sharing advice because we don't want to restrict the site to just one faith - or any faith. People around the world from many faiths (including none) need help.

And often we feel lost without a prayer by the time we find this site!

(And Kelli, I do like the line - I wish God didn't have so much confidence in me. Can I steal it?)

Marg

 

[susiestar]

Hi and welcome! I have read your post, and your answers to questions, but not everyone else's posts. I will go back and read it all, but I can't right now. I DO want to tell you a few things.

WELCOME!!!!! You ahve come to the right place. MANY of us have been there done that with the problems you are going through. We truly know how upset/scared/frustrated/confused/afraid/ashamed/embarrassed/exhausted/tired/stressed and worried you are.

Do you know if the medication for ADHD that the doctor gave you was a stimulant or was it Strattera? Strattera is a medication very similar to prozac, though it seems to help with ADHD. It can cause some of the behaviors your son exhibited, and it would seem more likely to than a stimulant would. Stimulants are medicines like ritalin, adderall, concerta - they must be written out on paper and cannot be for more than 30 days. Every 30 days you have to get a new written prescription from the doctor. I realize he wasn't on it that long, but knowing which kind of medicine could be helpful.

What you ahd when he was an infant wasn't colic. Colic doesn't set in until 4-6 weeks, and it lasts for a certain period of time, and htne passes. Some docs think it is gas, or gas related, but marg is right about the cry. It IS different, much like an "I hurt" cry. All 3 of my kids had colic and it was awful. The sound of ANYHTING wouldn't help, but holding htem so my hand or arm put pressure on thier tummies DID help. Just FYI if you see it in other family members.

I REALLY REALLY think you need to get some idea of what is going on in the next year or two. Before much longer he will be as large and as strong as you are. I know whereof I speak - my oldest was very violent with me and with his little sister. It was very rough, esp as by the time he was 10 he was about as strong as I was, and by 11 was as big as I was. Of course I am short, but still.

IF you go to the Board Help/FAQ section of this board there is a thread about a parent Report. It is an outline of a report that YOU create to tell the docs, school, and other professionals about your child. It gives them something concrete to read about your child. I find it is helpful to put a photo of my child at the beginning of each section (and in the middle of some of the ones that are long). It helps the experts remember exactly which patient it is about.

The report also helps ME keep things straight when faced with all those little blanks on all those forms at the doctor's office.

You need to find either a neuropsychologist to do extensive testing or to find a developmental pediatrician or psychiatrist to order/conduct the testing. I had the luck to take my child to a dev pediatrician who did complete multi-disciplinary testing for each patient. Multi-disciplinary testing is a bunch of different experts test your child on all sorts of different areas. Some here prefer this to a neuropsychologist, some don't liek it as well.

I would also STRONGLY recommend getting a private occupational therapy assessment for Sensory Integration Disorder. Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) is when the brain doesn't process sensory input the way it "should". It is another area to look into to find ways to help.

I don't want to bombard you with too much, so Happy Thanksgiving, and I hope you have a good weekend.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

While reading your story, the first thing that hit me is that when difficult child 1 was an infant, he was very much like your difficult child. difficult child 1 was first diagnosed with ODD and his teachers thought he had ADHD when he was younger. in my humble opinion, I think you should take him for a neuropsychologist evaluation as already has been suggested. Lots of us have been given wrong, or only partially correct diags, making things worse instead of better.

ODD is usually a symptom of an underlying disorder. Once the underlying disorder is under control, the ODD behaviors usually improve or even, in some cases, disappear.

One of the hardest things is just getting the correct diag. Hang in there!!! We'll be here to offer advice, support, and "listen" when you need to vent. Welcome aboard. WFEN

 

[627666]

Marguerite, thank you for your recent response to my last post. I just realized you live in Australia. I can't wait to travel there some day. I am sure your accent is fabulous!

Thank you for the reminder to pick up "The Explosive Child". So many parents on this site seem to recommend it, but after reading your statement about the book's alternate view on discipline I am especially eager to read it. We have seen "the best" behavioral therapist in Dallas for almost 4 years now and his approach (to ODD in particular) is a discipline approach. What I mean by this is, for the most part, he believes these kids know what they are doing and need to have consequences for their actions. I, too, believe my son needs to understand how he impacts peoples' lives and he needs to know there are consequences for his choices/behaviors...with that said, however, the negative stuff all the time seems to be too much.

My son has always benefited from the positive strokes more than the negative, as I am sure we all do. What I am saying is I have been questioning this approach. Time out after time out, grounding him and making him earn time out each day, strict routines...they seemed to make sense in the beginning but after 4 years of this we are now looking for a new therapist with a new approach, one like this book seems to mention. I am completely open to new ideas because constantly being on my son's case for this or that is not working!

I am not talking about the big stuff like disrespecting adults, hurting others, bullying, etc, but more the little things these kids do daily that drive us nuts. Maybe I need to understand how my son's brain works so I can cut him some slack if he needs to be redirected 100 X day.

Also, a quick comment on your thoughts on faith and prayer. I do realize there are many people out there of different faiths and some without any hope or faith. I suppose I was speaking to the people who have faith in something or someone. I just want people to rely on whatever their personal beliefs are about a higher power to help them because no one can take this on themselves. For those without any hope or faith, I will simply say extra prayers for them. I do realize we live in a large world with people from all walks of spirituality and I do not want to keep anyone from the great advice they can find on this site. Thanks for helping me think through that.

And yes, you can borrow my line about God having confidence in us as parents of difficult child's. I believe I heard that somewhere as a quote from Mother Theresa.

Have a great evening, Everyone!

 

[Marguerite]

What the book helped me to understand, was that while our kids can talk through what they should do when they're calm, their poor impulse control generally means that they can't put the strategies into operation when they get stirred up. What a person can't control, or can't change, shouldn't be punished. If punishment isn't going to result in improved behaviour next time, there is no point to it. Punishment should never be about revenge but often it can become so.

I don't believe that a lot of our kids really DO deliberately behave badly as a matter of choice. Maybe a small number do, but most simply lash out when afraid, angry or frustrated.

The disrespect - sometimes we put too high a premium on something we think is respect, when it's often something else entirely. We need to hear the difference between a panicked child and a cheeky one. We also need to apply the exact same standards to ourselves, and I've found that strict disciplinarians tend to not do this - they insist on the child acknowledging the superior position of adults over children and in my experience this is one of the hardest things for a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) child, for example, to 'get'.

I hope you find enlightenment in the book. I certainly did.

Marg