Stealing and lying and whatnot oh my

[Sad mum]

hi, I'm a first time poster. I found my way here after googling "so disappointed in my daughter".

She is 22 and was always high strung but a good kid...until a year ago. A failed relationship led to depression, suicide attempts and financial ruin.

Every time I think she's on the right path something dramatic happens and it all goes to crap. Today I found out she had been arrested for stealing from one of her housecleaning clients. I found out as it was printed in the local newspaper and a friend emailed it to me.

I can't see how I can detach more...my husband and I have actually relocated to another country for his work, so we are physically separated...but emotionally it's crippling ,e.

I have spent a fortune over the last year on psychiatric help, but she lies so much it's hard to even know if she is completing these courses.


I don't know what to do. I know that she is the only one that can make these changes in her life, but I'm her mum! I feel I should be able to fix this...but I can't.


I'm embarrassed, disappointed, disgusted and ashamed..and God help me, I told her so.


I don't know what to do.

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome Sad Mum, I am so glad you found us here. You will find support and wisdom from the "warrior parents" who have been through it.

I am so sorry for what you are going through with your daughter and sadly it's an all too familiar story here on this site.

I don't know what to do. I know that she is the only one that can make these changes in her life, but I'm her mum! I feel I should be able to fix this...but I can't.

No, you can't fix this for her. Of course the "mom" in you wants nothing more than to be able to make it all better for her. I know that feeling all too well myself.
You have done all you can for her. She has to want to make the changes herself for herself.
The more we try and "help" all we are really doing is enabling and that can cause more harm than good.

I'm embarrassed, disappointed, disgusted and ashamed..and God help me, I told her so.

I know just how you feel. I was once right where you are with all those feelings right down to the I told you so.
Know this; You did not cause this and it has no reflection on you. Repeat that to yourself over and over.

There is a good article at the top of the Parent Emeritus forum on detachment, it's wonderful and very helpful. Please give it a read.

Do you have contact with her via phone calls, Facebook, or some other form of communication?

The reason I ask is because that can be a place to start setting boundaries with her. Sending her a clear message that you cannot solve her problems for her.

I and many here have found the less we say to our Difficult Child the better. I do not ask my son how he is doing as that only opens the door for him to tell about all the drama and chaos that he surrounds himself with.

You are here with us now, you are not alone on this journey.

Others will come along and share also.

((HUGS)) to you...............

 

[Sad mum]

Thank you

Yes we speak on fb and Skype regularly. Is it wrong that I almost prefer to hear the drama, because otherwise I'm being fed a line of bull about how wonderful everything is?

The really funny part is that I was exactly the same. Exactly.

I had a very traumatic childhood. Kicked out of home at 15 and lived exactly this life until around 23. She never knew about any of it, yet seems to somehow be reliving it! How does that even happen? Is it genetic?

On the positive side, I grew out of it and have led a successful and happy life ever since...the down side is that she seems to have just started....will she now be like this for the rest of her life?

I'm tired of worrying, praying to a God I don't even believe in and hate to admit it, but I have seriously wondered At times if her suicide wouldn't be easier to live with.

I feel like such a horrible person for even saying that.

Thank you for your support. I could never say any of this stuff to anyone in my real life....

 

[Tanya M]

Is it wrong that I almost prefer to hear the drama, because otherwise I'm being fed a line of bull about how wonderful everything is?

I think this is a very normal way to feel. No one likes being lied to.

How does that even happen? Is it genetic?

YES!! Genetics can play a large role in behavior. My son's bio-father has been out the picture since my son was 4 years old and my son turned out just like bio-father, right down to abandoning his children.

but I have seriously wondered At times if her suicide wouldn't be easier to live with.

I feel like such a horrible person for even saying that.

You are not a horrible person. I too have had those thoughts about my son. Not so much that I wished him dead so he would be out of my life but more that I just didn't want him to suffer anymore. I haven't felt that way in a very long time but I am pretty far down the road in my detachment and acceptance of my son's life and how he chooses to live.

Your daughter is still young and this could turn around. You know my son will be 34 next year and he could still turn it around. There is always hope. That being said, I am careful to not dwell on that hope as it will consume me and my life. I have to live my life for myself.

Your daughter may just really miss having you physically close to her and I am in no way suggesting you move her to where you are. She is an adult and does need to learn how to handle her life on her own.
It's good that you communicate with her. I do suggest you set some boundaries with her.

I could never say any of this stuff to anyone in my real life....

And this is why we are here for one another as we know what it's like to deal with a difficult adult child.

I do hope you are able to find some joy in your life. Be good to yourself.

 

[A dad]

YES!! Genetics can play a large role in behavior. My son's bio-father has been out the picture since my son was 4 years old and my son turned out just like bio-father, right down to abandoning his children.

There is a theory that genetics has more influence during childhood on the personality of the person then the environment but as a adult the environment has more influence.

 

[Carri]

YES!! Genetics can play a large role in behavior. My son's bio-father has been out the picture since my son was 4 years old and my son turned out just like bio-father, right down to abandoning his children.

I agree with Tanya. My 31 year old son was 3 days old when I left his father so that he wouldn't be raised by a drug addict, liar, and he is exactly like him. Down to the core. It has to be genetic, there's no other explanation. It makes me feel bad for picking the wrong person to have children with. Fortunately my son hasn't had any kids yet so I hope that if he does have kids he doesn't just walk away from them like his dad did. So sad, isn't it?

 

[Carri]

You are not a horrible person. I too have had those thoughts about my son. Not so much that I wished him dead so he would be out of my life but more that I just didn't want him to suffer anymore.

And this is why we are here for one another as we know what it's like to deal with a difficult adult.

So true, we can't say stuff like this "out there". People wouldn't get it. But like Tanya and many others I have these thoughts too. It must be a living hell for our difficult adult children.

 

[Lil]

Ditto what everyone else is saying. My son hasn't seen his biological father since his 5th birthday. He is so much like him it is scary...very scary since he killed himself in jail. Apparently my good genes didn't do much to temper those bad ones.

And yes, I've also thought that getting over a death would be easier. When someone dies you grieve and mourn and slowly adapt, even if you never really get over it. With the ongoing drama of our kids...we know it could be a fresh new hurt every little bit for as long as we live. It isn't that you want anything horrible to happen to your child...it's that you want to spare yourself the ongoing hurt. That's human.

 

[Sad mum]

Well today it all got so much worse. Months ago, she stole jewellery from someone. She was guilt ridden and handed herself into the police then told us just how bad it had gotten. She went to court over a month ago, in between handing herself in and going to court she had done a month as an inpatient in psychiatric ward and really been working on herself, so the judge saw that and gave her a spent conviction.

This week, the local paper (we live in a smallish town) published the story and her full name, which breaks many laws as it was a spent conviction.

All day today I dealt with asshats reposting the article all over Facebook, calling me all kinds of bad parent and so on and so forth.

She was fired from her job as a result and is. Ow likely going to have to move out of town as her chances of working are slim and her reputation is shot.


I'm embarrassed and disappointed and feel so bad as she really had been working her ass off to try to improve her life.

When does it end?...

 

[Childofmine]

Sad mum, I am so sorry. I know it just seems like the bad news just keeps on coming. Unfortunately, a lot of the things they did the past don't catch up with them immediately. My son, after he actually started getting better and behaving better, was indicted by a Grand Jury on two counts of selling drugs to an undercover police officer. It took two years after he did it to face the music. The system moves slowly. But you know, I was able to accept that in time. The only place the buck really stopped for a long time with him was law enforcement and I never had any quarrel with that. The rest of us could be manipulated but not the police. You did it, they find you, you are arrested. Such is life and these are important lessons. My son tried to tell me a big story about it but I would have none of it. Anyway...today...he is doing so much better and is rebuilding his life. My son has been fired from dozens of jobs in this town where we both live. And he still gets more jobs.

They must walk their path and we have to let them if they are ever to have a chance to really change and grow up.

However, I know how hard it is and I am sending warm hugs for your hurting heart today. Please ignore the unkind people...they are just afraid their kids are next and they're trying to create a lot of distance! They have no idea...

Welcome to this forum. Please keep posting. We're here for you.

 

[Tanya M]

Wow, I am so sorry.

All day today I dealt with asshats reposting the article all over Facebook, calling me all kinds of bad parent and so on and so forth

I know it's easier said than done but please do not listen to what other people say as their opinions do not matter. They do not know the whole story and they are the ones who should be ashamed for spreading gossip.

She was fired from her job as a result and is. Ow likely going to have to move out of town as her chances of working are slim and her reputation is shot.

It's too bad that she was fired but perhaps going to a new town will be a good thing where she can have a completely fresh start.

She was guilt ridden and handed herself into the police

I am impressed that she did this, it shows great courage and humility.

Hang in there and know we are here for you. We care.

((HUGS)) to you.................

 

[Sam3]

First of all, that must be so painful, and please count this newbie in the group hug this community will extend.

But at the risk of sounding like a fixer, please don't let social media torment you. The facebook critics disappear when you sign-out. Those people may still be talking, but like a tree falling in the forest, if you don't hear it, does it even make a sound? Sometimes the easiest way to take care of yourself is to turn a deaf ear to negativity, rather than try to right it or fight it. And try not to catastrophize too much about the future. Maybe this can become an opportunity for your daughter to feel how much you are in her corner, and many here know the long term benefits that come with that.

-- in you and your daughter's corner, Sam.

 

[nlj]

I can't see how I can detach more...my husband and I have actually relocated to another country for his work, so we are physically separated...but emotionally it's crippling

Hi Sad Mum. (I'm a 'mum' too, rather than a 'mom' )

Detachment is more about detaching in your head, rather than physically detaching. You could live in the same house as your difficult child and still be detached. I visit my son, but I have detached from his life choices.

A big part of detachment is accepting the life your child is living and not trying to 'fix' it any more. They have to fix it themselves, in their own way.

I love my son and allow him to make his own choices and deal with his own consequences.

I would delete the facebook account. It's a load of rubbish. Use the time you waste on facebook to do something pleasant for yourself.

We 'get it' here.

One step at a time.

Keep posting.

Hugs

 

[Second Time Around]

So sorry you are dealing with this. I agree that you should stay off Facebook for awhile until this blows over. People will go on to the next thing in a few weeks. Do you have a support group or a therapist you can talk to? This forum is great, but I think it's also important to be able to talk to people face to face. Sending hugs.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi and welcome, SM!

Those facebook 'friends' are not really friends, are they?

At times like this, you find out who is really a friend and who is not.

Valuable lesson, SM.

As for your daughter, I am impressed that that she turned herself in and took the consequences. Big lesson. Losing her job is, unfortunately, part of the consequences. But maybe it is a blessing, too. A fresh start somewhere else. This could be just what she needs.

I am reminded of this line from a song:

Sometimes the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise.

I know that each time I have had some terrible situation happen, and I thought it was the worst thing in the whole world, it has always led to something even better.

I hope this for you and your daughter.

Stay with us.

Apple

 

[Sad mum]

Thanks again everyone. I'm so looking forward to the current"crisis" being over so I can see outside myself long enough to return the favour.

So the fb stuff was actually all from strangers. Some random guy saw the newspaper article and went on some kind of mission, posting it everywhere. I messaged him asking him to take it down and explained her mental health issues and previous suicide attempts and that I was terrified she would hurt herself due to humiliation. I explained she was horrified by her own actions etc etc.

His reply to me was to say he was going to see exactly how depressed he could get her and he hoped she did kill herself as she is a thief....and promptly posted it on groups far and wide.

I need to keep fb as it's the only real way to communicate with my kids. I have another daughter studying in the uk and two step sons still in oz..

I live in Dubai so other means are heavily censored.

I have however left all the groups. I haven't blocked the guy - mainly as I need those messages so that (let's call her lee) can use them to get a misconduct restraining order against him...and I can send the pig to jail if she were to actually hurt herself.

It's my hope that all of this will be the wake up call she needs, she will get and hold a job, continue with therapy and live a successful life....but I'm not holding my breath. I believe she will get her act together and once again self sabotage, but, well I guess all of us here live in hope don't we.

I am not seeing a therapist. I will have a look around and see what I can find, but I don't think therapy is much of a thing here...for now you ladies may well just be it.

Thank you all again so much. I don't even know you and you're literally what's keeping me sane right now.

I promise, I will return the favour!
Xxx

 

[Tanya M]

His reply to me was to say he was going to see exactly how depressed he could get her and he hoped she did kill herself as she is a thief....and promptly posted it on groups far and wide.

What a horrible thing to say!! It's quite obvious that this person has their own issues to deal with.

I am not seeing a therapist. I will have a look around and see what I can find, but I don't think therapy is much of a thing here...for now you ladies may well just be it.

I'm glad you found us here. I'm glad we are all here for each other.

 

[Lil]

His reply to me was to say he was going to see exactly how depressed he could get her and he hoped she did kill herself as she is a thief....and promptly posted it on groups far and wide.

You might see if you can get Facebook to take them down. They'll do that sometimes for inappropriate photos. Given that he's done this with the intent to hurt her - perhaps they'll take action.