Marguerite
Active Member
OK, now I understand why she would have been screaming at him in the driveway.
Next time, let her.
Regarding his daughter - you back right off, say nothing. If he is saying nothing, then you say nothing. Your son is setting you the right example here, do not engage. Stop trying to win her over, stop trying to be a better parent than he is. It will cause you too many problems. Do your utmost to not react. BUT - take quiet notes.
Then next time your husband tries to tell you how to parent your son, tell him that you have stopped telling him how to parent his daughter and he should do the same courtesy for you.
Next time your husband criticises you or your son for not engaging with his daughter, tell him that you will engage with her only after HE steps up and takes personal responsibility for her.
Frankly, this sounds to me like a train wreck in not-so-slow-motion. His ex sounds desperate to get him to step up also; why is she the ex? That is always a valid question to keep in mind, and to form your own conclusions on, not simply repeat what he has told you. Think things through for yourself - what do you remember about how he explained his family to you? What did he tell you about them? And what have you seen in your experiences with them, that match with what he said? What doesn't match?
Now think some more - picture yourself as a fly on the wall at the local watering hole, your husband talking to the bartender about his problems. How would he describe his problems? How would he describe his stepson? How would he describe his ex-wife? How would he describe you?
You need to really get into his head, in order to understand a lot of what is happening around him. Unfortunately, when you married him you married more than just the man, you married his baggage as well. You also are now part of his baggage.
Now try to put yourself in the position of his ex-wife. Think about the dynamics of it. Think about how he handles conflict (or doesn't). Think about how desperate his ex-wife must have been in trying to get him to pay attention to the growing problems and try to get some help.
A thought - can either parent get help for this girl? Or does it require both parents to agree, on medical treatment? If it requires both and he won't come to the party, I'd be feeling very sympatico with Tiger Woods missus about now... it sure would explain a great deal.
The aim of the mental exercises above, is to give you as much advance warning as possible, of what he is likely to do or ay in various situations. He sounds to me very emotionally immature. I'm still not sure tat there's anything wrong with his daughter that good, consistent parenting could not have prevented. But she's sure a mess now.
The whole family sound like they use the passive-aggressive approach to communicate. Really, really bad way to raise kids.
The best way to handle a passive-aggressive is to not let yourself get hooked in to their psychodrama. Don't engage. So when he chipped you about your son, right after totally ignoring problems with his daughter, you said, "Hang on, that's not fair," or whatever and he calls you a baby - that is immature and is using insults to deflect you form the point of the argument. And how do most of us react in that situation? We get upset at the insult. We ALLOW ourselves to be deflected. AND he has won, he succeeded in distracting you, yet again, from his own lack of action.
You need to be pro-active in such comments and not reactive. So let's replay this.
He calls you out on your son, tells you to make him do X or Y. You say, "He's my son, not yours. I am no longer trying to tell you how to raise your daughter; lay off me and my son."
He then comes back with insults or follows you into the next room, clearly (to me) trying to goad you into an emotional backlash. DO NOT REACT ANGRILY. Instead, turn and say, "Deal with your own problems first, then I will consider you qualified to advise me in mine.
You have just given him an instruction. If he fails to obey the instruction, he has forfeited the right to tell you what to do with your son. EVER.
Hold that thought.
And it sounds to me that you also need to hold on to why you married him in the first place, if you are going to make this marriage work. Right now it doesn't sound too good for any of you. But I suspect, from the sounds of the fighting with his ex, that he does not ever deal with his problems, he just lets them accumulate like mud on the car tyres until he's skidding all over the road as a result, collecting a great deal of collateral damage.
Frankly, if you could bring yourself to do it, it would be insightful to arrange to meet his ex-wife for coffee somewhere (neutral ground) and compare notes. Its in BOTH your interests to find a way to get help for this girl, and this way ex-wife can hear from you that YOU are not the problem.
Marg
Next time, let her.
Regarding his daughter - you back right off, say nothing. If he is saying nothing, then you say nothing. Your son is setting you the right example here, do not engage. Stop trying to win her over, stop trying to be a better parent than he is. It will cause you too many problems. Do your utmost to not react. BUT - take quiet notes.
Then next time your husband tries to tell you how to parent your son, tell him that you have stopped telling him how to parent his daughter and he should do the same courtesy for you.
Next time your husband criticises you or your son for not engaging with his daughter, tell him that you will engage with her only after HE steps up and takes personal responsibility for her.
Frankly, this sounds to me like a train wreck in not-so-slow-motion. His ex sounds desperate to get him to step up also; why is she the ex? That is always a valid question to keep in mind, and to form your own conclusions on, not simply repeat what he has told you. Think things through for yourself - what do you remember about how he explained his family to you? What did he tell you about them? And what have you seen in your experiences with them, that match with what he said? What doesn't match?
Now think some more - picture yourself as a fly on the wall at the local watering hole, your husband talking to the bartender about his problems. How would he describe his problems? How would he describe his stepson? How would he describe his ex-wife? How would he describe you?
You need to really get into his head, in order to understand a lot of what is happening around him. Unfortunately, when you married him you married more than just the man, you married his baggage as well. You also are now part of his baggage.
Now try to put yourself in the position of his ex-wife. Think about the dynamics of it. Think about how he handles conflict (or doesn't). Think about how desperate his ex-wife must have been in trying to get him to pay attention to the growing problems and try to get some help.
A thought - can either parent get help for this girl? Or does it require both parents to agree, on medical treatment? If it requires both and he won't come to the party, I'd be feeling very sympatico with Tiger Woods missus about now... it sure would explain a great deal.
The aim of the mental exercises above, is to give you as much advance warning as possible, of what he is likely to do or ay in various situations. He sounds to me very emotionally immature. I'm still not sure tat there's anything wrong with his daughter that good, consistent parenting could not have prevented. But she's sure a mess now.
The whole family sound like they use the passive-aggressive approach to communicate. Really, really bad way to raise kids.
The best way to handle a passive-aggressive is to not let yourself get hooked in to their psychodrama. Don't engage. So when he chipped you about your son, right after totally ignoring problems with his daughter, you said, "Hang on, that's not fair," or whatever and he calls you a baby - that is immature and is using insults to deflect you form the point of the argument. And how do most of us react in that situation? We get upset at the insult. We ALLOW ourselves to be deflected. AND he has won, he succeeded in distracting you, yet again, from his own lack of action.
You need to be pro-active in such comments and not reactive. So let's replay this.
He calls you out on your son, tells you to make him do X or Y. You say, "He's my son, not yours. I am no longer trying to tell you how to raise your daughter; lay off me and my son."
He then comes back with insults or follows you into the next room, clearly (to me) trying to goad you into an emotional backlash. DO NOT REACT ANGRILY. Instead, turn and say, "Deal with your own problems first, then I will consider you qualified to advise me in mine.
You have just given him an instruction. If he fails to obey the instruction, he has forfeited the right to tell you what to do with your son. EVER.
Hold that thought.
And it sounds to me that you also need to hold on to why you married him in the first place, if you are going to make this marriage work. Right now it doesn't sound too good for any of you. But I suspect, from the sounds of the fighting with his ex, that he does not ever deal with his problems, he just lets them accumulate like mud on the car tyres until he's skidding all over the road as a result, collecting a great deal of collateral damage.
Frankly, if you could bring yourself to do it, it would be insightful to arrange to meet his ex-wife for coffee somewhere (neutral ground) and compare notes. Its in BOTH your interests to find a way to get help for this girl, and this way ex-wife can hear from you that YOU are not the problem.
Marg