step son defiant

[trap485276]

I need advice on how to deal with my step son. He is 22 and lives with us
he claims he makes no money but has money to go out drinking and shopping not to mention that with in a month he saved enough to take a trip to Europe.
we gave him and my son the down payment for new cars with the understanding that they would make the monthly payments they both agreed, my son has never missed one payment along with paying for his own car insurance and all his expenses. I have tried telling my husband that we are not teaching him to be financially smart. my husband tried talking to him and explained that we feel that is has taking advantage of us we are both driving ten year old cars we can't afford to but a new car due to the fact that we have incurred more them six hundred dollars a month with his bills. and he is always asking for gas money on top of it. I am starting to resent him living with us but i don't want to tell him to move out i know that would hurt my husband. I have told my husband that is not fair that my son is paying all his bills and never ask for spending money while his son is living with out any responsibilities. My husband says we can't expect the same from his son since he doesn't make the amount of money my son makes, my thinking is he choose his career path he needs to live with in those means. and funny that his is able to save enough for a price vacation in a very short time.
while we have not being able to go on any vacation in the past two years.
my last thought at their age i feel that free room and board is helping them
enough.

 

[witzend]

I think that if free room and board is making him think that he's free to help himself to anything else he wants, as well, it's probably too much to offer.

Whose names are the cars in? If it is in your step-son's name, then if he doesn't make the payment he suffers the natural consequence of losing the car. If it's in your name and he isn't making payments, you should probably sell the car. Those are natural consequences that the rest of the world learns their lessons from. You shouldn't go without because your step-son wants a free ride. Believe me, I know how bad this can get.

On a side note, if he says he doesn't have any money, but has money to party and go to Europe, your step-son has illicit money. I would encourage you to figure out where it's coming from, and if it is from something illegal, to make sure that none of that illegal activity is even remotely happening in your home. You could lose everything.

I'm sure that others will have lots of advice, too. Good luck to you all.

 

[BusynMember]

Good to see you posting here. In this forum, we've all had grown kids who put us through the mill so we may be harder on stepson. I see him as somebody who needs to be shown the door. No matter why he is like this, he needs to change and the sooner the better.
I agree that something illegal has to be going on, even if it's stealing and selling hot items and not drugs. Although the drug test isn't perfect. There are drugs that do not show up. Plus you can sell drugs and not use them. There are many possibilities. Are his drug tests random so that he is not aware of when they will happen? If not, he can clean up his act for the test.
I'd be really ticked off at hub if he were mine. He is treating this man like he is a child.

 

[trap485276]

midwest mom yes'' the drug test are random.

 

[Suz]

Hi Trap- Welcome!

It appears that you have 2 threads running simultaneously. Once you get the hang of the site you'll learn to post in one forum so others don't get confused.

http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/my-step-son.26581/

From your post, I agree with Witzend. That said, I'd like a little more background.

How long have you and husband been married?
How long have you known stepson?
Has he always been this way?
What is his history?
Where is biomom?
Did he graduate from high school?
How was his school experience?
Has he been in trouble with the law before?
Does he have any diagnosable illnesses?
Is he a spoiled brat, or is there more going on?
Does your husband feel guilty about something that he would let his son get away with this behavior?

Please post a signature. You can find the directions in our FAQ forum. It helps us get to know you and it helps you not have to post details every time you write.

I look forward to getting to know you better.

Suz

 

[trap485276]

Suz
Sorry but my youngest sister has been seen with Gere all over town HA HA!!!

husband and i have been married eleven years, i have know stepson for thirteen years.
he has always been very defiant and cross when he doesn't get his way.
Very smart in school finish high school went on to college, until he decide that he wanted time off. he took a year off an did nothing. then decide he wanted to be an artist. he does free lancing. has never being in trouble with the law not even speeding tickets.His biomom that's a different story. she is part of his life only for the fun stuff
no discipline yet he has chosen to live with us since the day we got married, LUCKY ME! regarding his high school year he has always being very social and his dad has always being there for him coached his games involved in church with him. i wouldn't have married my husband and made him part of my children life if he had issues I'm to protective of my children for that nonsenses. i really think he is a spoiled brat it hurts me to see him take advantage of his father he is truly a husband. my Boys have a wonderful relationship with him.



Does your husband feel guilty about something that he would let his son get away with this behavior?

Please post a signature. You can find the directions in our FAQ forum. It helps us get to know

 

[Suz]

Hi Trap-

I'm still interested to hear the answer to my question about whether or not your husband feels guilty about something that he would let his son get away with this behavior?

Here's a post from the year 2000. It's in the archives of threads from the General Forum. You might find it of interest.

Disengaging essay:

http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/disengaging-essay.181/


Suz