Still having hope

[standswithcourage]

Well my difficult child son is still living in the trailer. He went back to see his old boss that fired him twice and begged for a job. This boss told him that if he hired him back and he messed up this time he wouldnt see the light of day. He told him to call back every Wednesday. In the meantime, their is a girl that has moved in also. She knows my son from high school. She is 23. She has a car and a job at the pet store. I am sure she moved in with them because she loves pot as much as they do but anything could happen. My son maybe might be trying to win her over. He needs to help himself but maybe this girl might help who knows. When I see him he seems to be happy - one time he told me we were just trying to make him suffer - I said no - this is what you wanted and you chose it. So maybe I can still hope that something good might happen - he said they may go to Atlanta. Her old boyfriend was not treating her nice and she moved out - I just hope this doesnt bring more problems on - oh well - his life not mine - I just pray and hope.

 

[BusynMember]

Not trying to burst your bubble, but my guess is they are all doing a lot more than pot and that the girl will not help him. Maybe the old boyfriend was a drug dealer--she is likely an addict too or she wouldn't just move into that trailer with a bunch of druggies.
You can't help you son, she can't help him, he has to help himself. I know you'll let him give you a guilt trip, but you shouldn't. It's his fault he's the way he is. It doesn't matter if he gets a job. It won't last. He's a drug addict. That is the bottom line. Until he gets clean, his life is going to be hell. Anyone who uses drugs is going to get into more trouble with troubled, messed up people. My daughter sure did until she cleaned up her act and dumped her druggie friends (and, even then, those druggie friends did NOT let her go quietly, trust me--misery loves company). Go on with YOUR life (you won't, but I'm saying it anyways) and try not to get so overly involved with your grown kids. JMO

 

[CrazyinVA]

I said no - this is what you wanted and you chose it.

This is perfect, Susan. KEEP saying it. Ad nauseum.

And then, take your focus OFF of difficult child and what he is doing. Let it be.

 

[Star*]

Well......it sounds as though the tough love is working.....

he got a trailer
he found other sources to help with bills
he begged for a job

Progress and forward thinking - all very promising.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im with Star.

Ignore the pot use. Other than the xanax, you dont know he uses other drugs and there are tons of people out there that smoke pot and never do more than that. Dont focus on the what ifs. He is out of your house. Leave him be.

Repeat after me. "Hmmm Son...I guess you will figure out what to do. Im sure it will all work out." "Let me know how that works out for you." "Nice talking to you but I have to run, something is burning on the stove."

Smile and nod, smile and nod. Its their life.

 

[Hound dog]

Ditto Star and Janet.

When you feel a weak moment coming on, like worrying or such, go do something for yourself instead.

 

[witzend]

I have to agree. This may very well be his first step towards figuring out that he doesn't like living at Mommy's house. Maybe the next step is moving out of the trailer park and a step up. For that very reason, you have to continue to allow him to make his own choices without your input - good or bad.

I also doubt that the girl is his savior. That's the party trailer, and anyone running away from something and moving in there is there to party. Maybe she will eventually decide to move out and up and set a good example, but her moving into that type of environment shows what type of character she has.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Oh, Oldest has had many "saviors." All they do is enable her further, until they get fed up with her and kick her to the curb. She moves from one savior to another, in fact.

So, no, don't hold out for any "person" to save difficult child. That's up to him.

 

[standswithcourage]

True and thanks all! I went to my counselor last night and she said I should tell difficult child to write his own obitutary! She said I should think about family intervention. Also she said I had done all I could. To continue every time I see him to tell him we will take him to get hellp. I havent heard from him since Sunday. We are going out of town on Saturday - I guess he is alright - he was supposed to go to HIS doctor August 28 - oh well I didnt take him - he didnt ask - maybe someone else paid his way - my counselor also said I should write his doctor and tell him he is an addict and he should not have xanax or any addictive substance. What do you think about that? Also I always hope that something will be the wake up call - my counselor says he hasnt suffered enough yet - sometimes i really think he likes living like this - I dont know if he will ever want anything different -i want to have hope that something will change him

 

[GoingNorth]

Stands,

The only way he's going to change is to hit his own PERSONAL BOTTOM. What that is may be entirely different from what would be your personal bottom.

The ONLY way he has a hope in h3ll of hitting that bottom is for you to totally detach from him.

ANYTHING else is enabling and by now enough people have told you that that I like to think it's sunk in.

 

[witzend]

I think it's insane that she would recommend an intervention when you couldn't afford to give up the $500 bond you paid for him last spring.

Yes, I would write a letter to his doctor telling him that he is a drug addict. Short and sweet. You can cut and paste from below if you want.

Dear Dr. X~

My son, difficult child, dob 01/01/01, Social Security # is one of your patients. I feel obligated to inform you that my son is a drug addict and has a long history of abusing drugs, most usually xanax and marijuana. He was recently released from jail on a drug conviction. I hope that you will not prescribe any mood altering drugs for him.

Sincerely,

Susan

Don't add any explanations! If you make it too wordy, they won't read it. They only want the facts.

 

[BusynMember]

I think you need a new counselor. Sounds like this therapist is all about your son, not about you. Does your therapist know the WHOLE story and how hard you've already tried to get him to change and how it never works?
Of course he hasn't suffered enough. You keep bailing him out. You are enabling his lifestyle.
Have we somehow steered you wrong? Has your interference changed him one bit? Bet he loves all this attention. "Wow, I'm an addict and Mom is really worried about me. She won't let me hit the bottom."
Addicts are deceitful. My daughter says "Never trust an addict." Are you going to your meetings?

 

[janebrain]

I don't get your counselor's advice. On the one hand she recommends an intervention but on the other hand she says you have done all you could. That's contradictory. Also, why should you have to tell him every time you see him that you will get him help? I think he needs to hear that you have done all you can, it is all on him now, you are finished. I don't think your counselor has your best interests in mind here--we are not talking about a minor child, he is an adult and is responsible for himself.

Jane

 

[CrazyinVA]

This was exactly my concern when you said you were seeing an "addictionologist." Her focus is on the addict, not on you, and it's showing in her advice. Have you read "Codependent No More" yet? Have you thought about asking at Al-Anon about counselor recommendations, people who specialize in helping families of addicts?

I don't think it would hurt to send a letter to his doctor, if it will make you feel like you've done one more thing. You may have read my post where I told my Oldest's doctor about her pain pill addiction, so I've been there. However, if you do such a thing, you need to do it, and then let it go. Don't worry and wonder if the doctor read your letter, or believed you, or if he/she is still giving your son prescriptions.

 

[DazedandConfused]

I'm also for not sending a letter to his doctor. With your enmeshment issues, I just wouldn't go there.

Please find a therapist that has YOUR best interests in mind. An intervention? What? Is she serious? Get someone who has the schooling and state required professional credentials to help you.

 

[witzend]

I have to agree about the doctor. Why are you seeing an addictionologist to deal with your son's issues? They aren't recognized or accredited by the American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association, or the American Psychological Association. But that's not really the point. Here is the point. Please bear in mind that I am actually asking you a question because I think your reply would be helpful to you and the group, and I would like you to answer it. I do not need or want the group to answer.

Why are you seeing a professional about your son's addictions?

 

[Love the sunshine]

If I could make an observation, I'm wondering if all of the advice above was actually given by the counselor. It seems really contradictory as many of you have said, but a lot of it also sounds very familiar. Susan, I don't think this was necessarily done intentionally, but it seems to be a mixture of three things:

1. What the counselor may have said (you've done all you can do, difficult child should write his obituary)
2. What many of you have said over and over (he hasn't suffered enough/hit rock bottom because you keep bailing him out)
3. What Susan wants to keep emphasizing (family intervention that she's mentioned on the board before, continue to tell him we will take him to get help)

There are some small steps toward detachment, but also needing to hold on to that tiny piece of something and help him. I don't know anything about "addictionologists", but even if you find a great counselor, you only get out of it what you put into it. been there done that with my family. I wish you the best of luck, whatever road you take.

 

[Love the sunshine]

Sorry witzend. I must have been posting when you were. Mine was not in response to your question.

 

[busywend]

Susan, I would like you to recap the summary of what your counselor told you to do to her. Take it to her and verify if that is really what she told you to do. I think it is possible you hear what you want to hear and maybe you talked about obituaries and interventions - but in no way did she recommend either. I think that is possible.

 

[witzend]

Let's not forget, counselors often make comforting noises when we talk, like "Yes, Mm-hmm" or "That' an idea" or "I can see why you feel that way." It doesn't mean that they are telling you that is the thing to do that will help you. Notice I said "You" and not "your son". If your son wants help he should see his own therapist about his own issues.

Talk therapy often goes this way. They're waiting for you to talk yourself around to the correct answer.

Now, just so it doesn't get lost:

Why are you seeing a therapist about your son's addictions?