Strugglin' horribly with 11 year old with Conduct Disorder & Personality Disorder

[buddy]

Many of us have had our kids have terrible behavior reactions to medications, several of us recently had our kids hospitalized for it and three of us have Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids, not bi-polar... yes that is REALLY true in that class of medications for bipolar, but it is also common for ANY child. Could bio mom maybe be undiagnosed biplolar? He does have some of the symptoms and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is independent of other mental health diagnosis (true physical, biochemical things that is) so???

One way I handle when I think there is more to something or I need something for my son.... and the professional I see is not really on the same page... I just simply say I want to cover all of the bases. I dont ask their opinion! I just explain nicely that I am seeking an evaluation for X. And if it requires a referral, I TELL the doctor I need the referral. The earlier the intervention the better and I never want to look back and have regrets. Hard for them to argue that. And NO doctor should be kept if they do not agree to second opinions (or third). It is too specialized a field... it really takes a therapist who gets it. What are the odds, just logically speaking here, that he would have all of that broken bond upset AND have a zillion other mental health diagnosis? There is NO dispute that those are the critical years for bonding. So it baffles me when a professional under estimates the impact of disruption in any way. It should be a go to explanation. I had to go to my grandma's house (loving and kind and I had a great time, but wow did I miss my mom) when my mom when thru anxiety/depression treatment. I was told she had to go lie down for headaches at the doctor... sigh. So, my sister went to one grandma and I went to another from the ages of 3ish to 8, on and off. I think to this day the source of any insecurity I have is from that. I can FEEL my feelings are the same when I finally get to the root of a current issue and how I felt then. NO life altering drama here, just what I have worked on over the years. It was no one's fault and it was just a hard thing. I luckily had a secure bond by then. Now, my little sister, who I thought was lucky to go to the other grandma (both were great, but the grass is always greener right?) was only a baby. She to this day is on anti depressants, has been diagnosis bipolar (very mild) and runs away from tough situations, etc. Now that we have done this attachment work it really made me think. We are so much closer now that I understand the core reasons she was do difficult to grow up with. It was all about her. ALWAYS. She is the kindest most generous person now that she is an adult, but it sure was a tough ride growing up.

OH, I forgot. About the monitoring by staying awake. So many of us here have installed extra locks and security measures in our houses. Beams to be tripped if they try to leave their rooms, video security cameras, alarms etc. It really is necessary. My son when younger started leaving the house and wandering around to people's houses at like 4 a.m. so I didn't know. UGGG so frustrating. I recently had to add extra locks inside my front/back doors with keys so he can't unlock to get out when upset.

It is worth the investment! Your sleep is too valuable and if something terrible ever does happen, we have let them down too. (I know they have responsibility too but when it is pretty predictable that they do not have self control, especially at night when for some of us there are far less medications...well) I know Q would feel terrible in the end if he did something awful. It is my job to keep him from that as much as possible since he does not have the internal ability yet.

 

[Rachielee]

I am with ya' 100%......I think the therapist agrees with me a titch on the attachment issues, but I feel she doesn't really know what to think either because every time she sees Brad for his individual therapy, his "problem" with his mother changes....one time it's all because of her, the next it's because of another reason and not his mother, etc.....Brad is trying to work her as to benefit him. When he first started with the psychotherapy, he was extremely elated, on such a "high" and was so excited. I think he thought she was going to tell us or "make" us give into to his every whim, let him do what he wanted, lavish him in whatever he wanted, etc. When he found out that wasn't what this was all about, his attitude towards her changed. He's a very intelligent young man.....and very hard to communicate with when it comes to feelings. We've tried having him write his feelings down when he's upset, sad, mad, etc. He refused. When he was claiming mom was the entire reason for all of this and he just wanted to go live with her and all would be better, she had suggested he write his mom a letter expressing his feelings because there is no way he could tell her himself. Well, that didn't happen cuz he didn't want to. If it requires him to do something (put some work into it) he refuses to do it. When asked or I comment that perhaps he should call his mom since it has been a couple months or a month or whatever, he always says not now or he will later. She doesn't call often, like I said maybe every month or 2 or 3 (how she sleeps at night I have no idea)!! This past summer she told him when he turned 12 he could go live with her; he turns 12 in February ~ Nice huh?? She doesn't even have a place to live, stays with friends and bartends and bowls...she doesn't have the time to raise her son. I know he is angry with his mother and I also know much of that anger towards gets directed towards me, but that's okay. I've told him it's okay to admit he hurts, it's okay to cry and explained over and over it is not his fault she left but I cannot change how he thinks....I can only try to assure him no matter what choice he makes, what trouble he gets into, I do love him! I tread thin water when it comes to him and have to think about every word that comes out of my mouth because I don't want him to feel crowded or threatened. Also am not going to give him words he can manipulate.....huge deal right there. Last evening he drew me a picture.....it's wonderful and made my heart smile but it's horribly sad because I know where that picture came from ~ it is Christmas break, no school and like the snap of a finger his entire being changed to Mr. Sweetness. He wants Xbox, TV, etc.....not happening until those are earned back again after his stealing spree over the past 2 weeks. So....when he gets the same answer over and over (those are to be earned back) all hell will break lose again I am sure but so be it. Today's appointment will hopefully go well....

 

[buddy]

OH wow. well, your therapist is actually proving your point. That kind of talk therapy just does not work for kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). It has to be relationship therapy with people who understand all the tricks and dodges and the fact that these kids are now WIRED differently. They CANT explain what it is that is causing this. IT is just who they are for now. they need to have blow by blow, relationship skills worked on with them.

For now, not sure this would work for you but there are several of us here who write things out for our difficult child's. For example...the things to be earned.. ( be prepared to make copies and dont even get upset if they get ripped up, just tape up another copy) the t hings he needs to earn, and how to earn them can be clearly put out there.... FIRST: do X or hands to yourself, or only use your things, or whatever.... THEN can choose a, b c...

Be very specific. If he starts to ask for a, b c.... just say, HMM, I forgot, why not just check the list? (not sarcastic by the way, with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids you can't show your hand, you MUST be genuinely wanting them to check and be even tempered about it, not happy not upset, just neutral and caring that he will be able to handle this. ) That walking on egg shells feeling is really really exhausting, right?

You are doing well, sounds like you need what we all need here, cheer leaders! encouragement! support! You are doing a fantastic job and your gut is soooooo good.

 

[Rachielee]

Yeppers, we've to the charts up! I did that because his dad gets so pre-occupied with other things so Brad was able to completely manipulate every single situation and it always ended up with my husband having attitude towards me (which left Brad smiling like a champ!) With charts, there is no question as to what was agreed upon, what consequences are for actions, what privileges are for making good choices, etc... Nobody can say I didn't agree to that! I got sick of being the bad guy time after time and getting caught in the middle of a whole lotta mood changes. It doesn't seem to make a difference with Brad, but it has for me because nobody can gang up on anybody when the manipulation is at its highest ya' know? Have you found that the monotone, no emotion, fact talking upsets the child? I always am aware of my tone and what is coming out of my mouth when it comes to dealing....I remain very calm (even though I may be a crazed lunatic inside at that moment! lol) If he does not get a rise out of me, it seems to upset him, which I understand is a control thing. I know it always gets worse before it gets better so am ever so patiently (ya' right) waiting for the gets better part.....guess we are still on the getting worse part, which also makes sense because he has been reeled in again for the stealing spree and he doesn't like that at all. I did explain to him it was not punishment, but it was to protect him because we love him so much and he seemed to accept that. He doesn't like it but thats okay too! He is working me hard core this morning already.....sweet as a bucket of pure sugar! Definately need to be on my tippy toes today!!

Thank you so much for your support and caring words!! You are right, we all need support and I know nobody has compassion like a mother!! My husband is not a compassionate person at all....very black and white! Just meeting ya'll since yesterday has definately put a little pep in my step so hugs to you from my house to yours! Best Christmas present ever!!

 

[buddy]

Big big hug!

 

[busywend]

You mentioned he is taking medications for ADD - which medication is he on?

Often times a Stimulant can cause very odd things in someone who is BiPolar (BP), so if Bipolar is a possibility - some of that stealing and sneakiness can be from being on a stimulant. Not to mention how it keeps him up at night! My difficult child could not fall asleep on Adderall. We even tried Melatonin (natural sleep supplement) and it did not help.

 

[Rachielee]

Hey there! He is on Adderall which has helped him tremendously in school. The sneakiness and stealing have been ongoing issues long before he was started on the Adderall, although the stealing was very seldom...nothing out of the norm as far as little kids taking their siblings things, that sort of thing. Lying has always been a huge, huge issue with him and sneakiness. He has been sneaky as hek ever since I came into his life and that has been a bit over 7 years ago. The stealing on the other hand really came into play about a year ago, after he had a very disappointing summer visit with his mother. He was always an A/B honor roll student, but after last summer's visit with his mother, his grades were D's and F's and he just did not care; he is repeating the 5th grade this year because of that. It's like he just said to hek with it all because of the rejection he felt after his visit with his mother. From the day he got home, he was a different kid and not in a good way. The issues he had prior were magnified x 10 and have been going strong since then. Up until a couple/few weeks ago, the stealing was an issue, and I'm sure he stole a lot more than he got caught for, but the past couple/few weeks the stealing seems to be almost a daily occurrence ~ And he gets upset about it but no because of remorse or realizing he made a very poor decision but because he got caught. There is definately a correlation between his feelings of rejection where his mother is concerned and his attitude. This summer she told him he could live with her when he is 12, again he is going to suffer major disappointment once again from her because that is not going to happen! Hek, she doesn't even send them Christmas presents, birthday cards, etc...I am sure in his eyes it is just one swift kick right after another! I do know that he hates it when we inform her of what is going on with him.....he gets very, very upset because he doesn't want her to know. I feel it is because he already feels like somehow he failed her and if she knows everything he is doing then he will be a failure in her eyes again.....it just erks me that a parent can be soooo self-consumed! I didn't birth these boys but let me tell ya.....they come first! That's my job as a parent..... When he was an infant/toddler, I guess his mother would come home late, late at night from the bar and would wake him up to play with him (unreal!!) I think that's when the sleep issues started. It's like he thinks he is going to miss out on something ..... I don't know. Sooo many things stand straight out for attachment issues....now only to convince the psychiatrist and psychotherapist that this needs to be looked into now and not play the guessing game.

 

[exhausted]

I have no advise. I just offer these words of support: You are a saint and good person to raise this boy with so much love and energy. Your husband and the other boy are also lucky to have you. I do not understand Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) but I think you have hit on a gold mine with the books and support that Buddy offer. I think I am going to buy one of the books because I do believe that many of our kids have failed to bond appropriately for many different reasons. I pray for respite for you over the holiday. I hope that you may have moments of peace. ((Hugs))

 

[InsaneCdn]

He was always an A/B honor roll student, but after last summer's visit with his mother, his grades were D's and F's and he just did not care; he is repeating the 5th grade this year because of that. It's like he just said to hek with it all because of the rejection he felt after his visit with his mother. From the day he got home, he was a different kid and not in a good way.

<waving big red flag>

This is one of TWO things, in my opinion...
1) insecure attachment (as opposed to Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)) which just got worse due to events this summer,
2) abuse, either by biomom or someone else while in her care
3) both of the above

He dropped off a cliff over the summer in terms of behavior.
The primary cause will be THERE.
Now, you have to find it (harder to do, but absolutely essential)

If his behaviors had been fairly consistently bad for the whole 7 years you've been around... more likely specifically attachment...

But that's JMO... (like usual)

 

[Rachielee]

Thanks so much for your input, greatly appreciated! I agree with you 100% and honestly I think it's both and have thought so for quite some time. I have done so much research and reading to gain as much knowledge and input as I possibly can to help him and the family as a whole. She has never given him much of a reason for why she chose the party life over being a mother, she's a runner and not a dealer if you know what I mean. She also came from a whole lotta mess growing up and so the cycle continues, for right now anyway! I believe in my heart I am being given (God bless all of you) the tools, guidance and support to gain as much "good stuff" that I can and I am going to use all of those tools to get through this and get him through this! He has my heart and I know inside he is a loving, very intelligent, young man who DOES deserve a chance at success in life. He definately suffers insecure attachment, when his own mother cannot even put him first for a week or two out of the year, man....what a kick in the face that is! It hurt my heart when I found out she was out carrying on as she usually does when they were there.....unfortunately, we did not know a thing until they returned and ONLY because I saw right away my Brad had been buried and this hurting and very hateful kid came back. Had we known this was going on while they were with her, I can promise you my husband's family or mine would have been there in a millisecond to get them. Neither one of them said a thing because they didn't want "bad" for their mother and I get that.....regardless of what she is, she is their mother, but there comes a point where it's our job to protect them and the gloves have come off. Last summer they were with her for 7 days and my husband's family was checking in on them constantly. Even last Christmas we didn't let them go "home" for Christmas break and to be honest with you they both seemed relieved....yes, even Brad. As far as the abuse, I think he has seen a whole lot of verbal abuse, he has seen his mother so stinking drunk she couldn't handle herself, he has seen her lose complete control, hit things, cuss his father and I am sure cuss me, been around party crowds and pretty much left to his own devices....that's abuse! And sometimes the verbal/mental abuse is much more worse than any "physical"....especially in the mind of a child who feels completely rejected for his own mother.

Anywho.....today we had a family psychotherapy appointment and I believe a whole lot of wonderful things came out of it. I think my husband's eyes were opened up to alot of what the boys and I feel since he is so buried in work. Not by choice because he is a loving man, but since I have had to quit my job to deal with and be here for Brad, as well as having many mechanical issues with his machine.....it's been hard and he hasn't had a choice but to do what he has to keep us from swirling the drain BUT.....there also has to be balance between work and home. The therapist had us all take turns and place each person in a position of where we see them in the structure of our family, in the family dynamic. It was so super eye opening.....I think way more to my husband because in that situation he HAD to listen to how we felt, his family. Brad and I were always placed close to one another, sometimes with not so happy expressions on our faces or hands in the air, but we were always near one another. My husband and oldest son were always placed away with backs turned or even walking out the door....they even placed themselves there. I, of course, broke to tears numerous times, partly because of relief because my husband had to HEAR IT, LISTEN and SEE what I've been trying to tell him for over a year and then partly because it killed me that the boys placed him that far away....I was proud of my oldest for seeing that he is not involved unless it benefits him, I was extremely proud of my husband for being a man who was able to confidently admit he has not been here much at all (and I completely understand why) but we need him here too....we need his smiles (HE NEEDS TO SMILE)....we need our daddy and husband, even if only for a short period of time during the week; 30 minutes a night of his complete attention and interest would work miracles when it comes to issues of the heart. Brad openly admitted he is afraid that when he is in trouble that I am going to leave or go away....just as his mother did so we know that is a huge insecurity with him. We have always known that, but this is the first time those words came from his mouth. It know there is a kid who wants to be smothered in hugs inside of that hard shell he is carrying around him because when I cried before I knew it he had tears running down his cheeks. The therapist asked him why he was crying and he said it hurts him to see me cry and be unhappy or sad. Shoot, tears running right now! He, somewhere deep inside of him, does have compassion and caring....just gotta keep on working on the insecurity issues. He never sees me cry here at home....if I have to cry to "get it out", I always do it in private because I don't want him or anybody to think anything is their fault or blame themselves. It felt so darn good to cry today in front of all 3 of them.....when we did the "placement exercise" of how we see family members in our family dynamic, interestingly, when all 3 of my "boys" placed us, I was always in the middle of "their triangle" (therapist's words). I think that was an eye opener to my husband as well....I have been the one who is always stuck in the middle of all 3 of them and haven't gotten much support at all from the one who is suppose to be my safety net when I am weak....now you know why I don't sleep and am so stressed out! Anyway, I think today's family therapy was amazingly productive... Obviously we have to do what we have to in order to maintain our home and a secure and safe environment for our kids as far as work goes for my husband and that is just life....but I think it opened up his eyes to the fact that maybe Brad is feeling some insecurity when it comes to him as well because he is never here and when he is he is mentally absent and doesn't talk much at all. God is good, that is all I can say. First, I found you guys yesterday and today was the most productive family therapy session we have ever had.....though still exhausted, I learned many things today as well just by Brad's tears (which for the first time in a long time I know were for real) when he saw I was hurting because of the distance we feel as a family, me missing what we used to be, etc...He does love but just doesn't know how to and when he lets himself go just a little I think that fear completely takes him over, 2 baby steps forward and 4 long jumps back...

I know this is long and babbly, sorry ~ just so much happened today in a 1-hour session and we have been doing this for a long time! Thanks to those of you who gave me so much strength yesterday and this morning.....I hit it head on when our session started, wasn't taking "we'll talk about that" next time, I just talked and was completely truthful without worrying about hurting feelings as far as my husband goes....it was the best place to do it and I couldn't have done it without the love and support I felt because of finding this....My husband actually didn't go back to work afterwards, came home, was actually fun to be around....we had him back to where he was when we moved here 5 1/2 years ago....How powerful is that??? Made such a huge difference in all of us I think, could see it all of our eyes even without saying a word (brings me to tears cuz' I miss it)! I know there are still many rough and tough days ahead and the tough love still has to continue with Brad but we will get there.....and I don't care how much I go thru or we go thru until then, I just know we will get there. Their mother quit them......history is not going to repeat itself, I refuse! They don't deserve it...they deserve this. Love to all!

 

[Rachielee]

Exhausted.....thank you so much! I need all the prayers we can get and I do the same for all of you who are struggling and hurting as well...it's a tough place to be and without the support and love and understanding from those who truly know, it's very easy to start swirling the drain ourselves because of complete exhaustion both mentally and physically. WE all need a chance to catch our breath......may God bless you today and every day! He will give us the strength we need......

 

[InsaneCdn]

{{hugs}}

 

[Rachielee]

Back at cha' and thank you!

 

[buddy]

WOW, that was amazing. I was overwhelmed with emotion for you all. What a powerful session. I know nothing is a miracle answer or anything but that was an intense start to really going somewhere! In such a short time you have shared so much and I agree, things are meant to happen like this. God is good and though he and I had some words lately (Q in hospital a couple of times, school issues two friends died way too young) I really do not lose my faith totally and things like this remind me there is usually a balance to it (just that those tough times can sure be overwhelming)....

So, welcome sister warrior! You did great.

 

[exhausted]

Oh that did my heart good. Tears for me also. Good work! Many of us have done a lot of the tough work with husbands who are head long into work. Of course they have been raised to be providers and think their value to a family is mostly there. I bet it was good for him to know how much he is needed in other ways. I started thinking about my family. Where would we put each other? What a wonderful exercize. Yep, God is good. He's a tough guy sometimes, get ticked at him. But mostly I'm grateful. Hugs and rest!