Copa...we also adopted a child who was drug exposed.
Copa, it's not true that everything is alwys the fault of the person. Drugs and alcohol on a developing fetus can cause brain changes and damage and my son has autistic spectrum disorder probably due to the drugs. As soon as we adopted him, we took him to a neuropsychologist to see what kind of problems he would have because of his challenges in the womb. We did not expect no problems because of this. We got on him right away and we loved him anyway and we accepted him, challenges and all. He has exceeded everyone's expectations and is the happiest young man on earth who works and only needs a tad of help in certain things, mostly social. He will never be 100% indepdendent, but he is 95% indepdendent. He got help from the time he was born, before we adopted him, and we realized t hat he would be a bit more challenged to do things, but we loved and accepted him knowing that.
Copa, I read something once long, long ago and I think it's often true.
When it comes to adoption, it said regular, down home, not highly educated people make better parents because our expectations are more realistic. We are not going to try to make our adopted child, often who are damaged by drugs and alcohol before birth, get a college degree or become a financial knockout. Our expectations are more "let him be happy. We'll try to help." The irony is, we DID adopt a child whom you would have really helped thrive...Goneboy is a genius and we were a bad fit for him simply because we are average, blue collar folks who do not feel we have to hit that high level of financial and educational success to be happy. And he looked down at us for that. It was a horrible match by the social workers. He should have gone to a family of doctors or lawyers or college professors. But he didn't. We can not help it if the children we adopt are not actually the kind of child we hoped for. Goneboy was not born drug addicted. He is a millionaire today with his own business. by the way, he never went to college. He told us he was going to start four years ahead of everyone and make more money than everyone else he knows. He did.
Copa, your son being born drug exposed is significant to who he is today. Unlike young adults who were not born with drugs in their system, he actually may not be able to do better than he is. There ARE people who are, for various reasons, unable to achieve and find life very hard. My son is doing great, but we had everything in place, ready for him to hit adulthood. Being drug affected in utero is not a mental illness. It actually can cause brain damage in various degrees.
My son was born with crack in his system (he knows this as he has been warned that if he tried drugs, it would probably lead to addiction so he never has). He was also born with syphillis and needed open heart surgery. By the time we got him, he was acting out and delayed, but we wanted him anyway. We do not know his DNA family, but we always thank her for this child in our prayers. She was probably impoverished and had no idea how to care for herself, got into drugs and maybe even sold her body for those drugs. But somewhere inside of her she or Sonic's birthfather or both were good people who never had a chance. Sonic is such a goodhearted young man. I think about his birthparents sometimes. I feel love and sadness for them and have told Sonic that his birthmother was too sick to take care of any child (I read once that you don't say "couldn't care for YOU...as if it is personal). He has never demonstrated ANY interest in his birthparents. Even when he had a chance for his agency to search, he said, "No thank you." But he has never been told anything negative about his birthparents and we would have helped him search.
Copa, when we adopted each child, we had each neuropsychologist tested so we knew what to expect and worked from there. Your son may actually need more help than he gets. Has he ever been tested for having a Disability? I don't mean a mental illness. I mean his level of function. A spoiled defiant young person is one thing. A young person is isn't making it because he really doesn't know how to make good choices because of his birth experience is way different to me. She probably also drank and alcohol is a bigger problem for a developing brain than even cocaine. Once the brain is damaged, progress can be made, but the person will always have certain challenges.
Anyhow...so sorry for your pain. Just sharing from another point of view. Maybe your son needs you to back off your expectations and help him learn how to navigate this thing called life. He probably did have some brain differences from the drugs or alcohol at birth.My son will have enough services all his life to make it after I'm gone. He has a caseworker and a job coach and an agency keeps on eye on him, but, really, he is so high functioning, he doesn't need them too much.
Hugs!!!! I mean this post gently!
