Stuck Between Daughter & Grandchild

[ChickPea]

I have my daughter's child here with us, we have guardianship. He is 8 months old.
She was not ready for a child, and the alleged father (still not filed for paternity) was verbally/physically abusive to her, she felt he was safest here.

Of course, in her fantasy brain she figured she would shape up her life and care for her child 100% at this point. Reality is she doesn't. She can't. She's homeless, flopping on a grown man's couch and can barely hold a job down (hasn't been able to her entire adult life).

The other day she got wasted, then called in to work for mental health reasons, then decided to show up here. We had just returned from a little getaway (me, hubby, grandbaby). I know she was depressed about the fact that she wasn't able to provide that getaway for her child. So she came over here and does what she always does - starts crap with us to make us miserable.

After stirring the pot long enough to make things unbearable she said she was "leaving with her child."
No driver's license, not her car, has nothing for him, but she's leaving. With the baby.
I told her that was irresponsible and she would be causing undue stress.
She kept saying that it's HER baby, HER baby, and she's done being told when she can see HER baby.
We gave her 5 minutes to leave.
LSS - she sat outside our house on the phone (supposedly with police). She said she was going to tell them that my husband threatened her (which he didn't), and that we were holding her child hostage.

We wait. Nothing. She leaves saying she's going to buy him car seat, pampers and playpen for their life together.

Meanwhile husband's dad is being admitted to the hospital in need of a transfusion.

Hour later she texts that she wants to just come to the house and shower. What?!

All this to say I AM SO SICK OF HER!!!!!

Later that night she apologizes, but people I'm so tired of this being my normal. This is not what normal life is. This is not what I wanted my home to be.

It's slowly killing me, you know?

 

[RN0441]

Ugh so sorry. That truly sounds awful.

I have no experience with this particular kind of hell but others do and will be along to tell you what they think you may need to know and what your options could be.

I'm so sorry for this terrible stress on you and so glad that the baby has the two of you in his life. I think she knows that she can't really take him but is like you said trying to make you as miserable as she is.

She needs help which I'm sure you already know but she has to want to help herself like all of us!!

 

[BusynMember1]

Why not get legal custody?

 

[elizabrary]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have never had guardianship or custody of my granddaughter, but I have certainly been in your position of worry, stress, etc. I called CPS on my daughter at least 5 times, and I told her I was the one who called every time. I felt like if she was such a poor parent that her own mother felt the need to call CPS she should know. It didn't really faze her though. For a bit of time she would settle down, then be right back at it. Fortunately over the last 5 years she has become more and more stable, so I haven't worried as much about my granddaughter. Also, once my granddaughter could talk and tell me what was going on that helped alleviate some of my fears. It is a special kind of hell when these difficult adult children have kids of their own. I'm glad your grandchild has you to care for and love him. It might not feel like it now, but it will make a difference in his life.

 

[Copabanana]

I would urge you to protect yourself and the baby by filing for legal custody, as suggested Busy. Nobody could tolerate what your daughter is putting you through. Whether or not she means it or not, or it is just a way to destabilize you and to feel powerful, who could live like this? It's cruel and irresponsible and malicious. And if you do not have legal paperwork she could take the baby. Any time she wants.

Was it you a couple of weeks ago who was telling us, that she was talking about taking the baby so that she could secure lower cost housing?

Please go to an attorney. If you do not want to raise the child, think about involving CPS so that authorities are involved to help this child to have stability.

The other way to look at this is the way Eliza handled it. Surrender the baby to your daughter, and perhaps she might step up. And call CPS if she does not. So that there is a paper trail to protect the baby.

Right now, you and the baby are potential victims of your daughter. At any time and in any way that she chooses. She views this baby as either a pawn or a chit or a way to make money or to coerce or to threaten you, to empower herself.

The worst possible thing is to continue this way, in my view.

I am so, so sorry you find yourself in this painful and difficult circumstance.

 

[ChickPea]

Thank you, loves.

Today did not end well. At my wits end, I discussed all this on a long walk with my husband. He thought it would be a good idea to let her stay with him alone a little more (more responsibility, maybe step up more). Left her while we went to pick up a pizza. Came home and she's walking around texting, baby in arms. He reached for me so I took him.

She told me I never should have told his alleged father about us taking him out of town with us. She would not disclose how she knew that I had said that.

After a little back and forth she admitted to GOING THROUGH MY PHONE AND READING MY TEXTS while I was gone. I literally didn't believe she would do that, so I made her show me she could unlock my phone. She did.

I was so livid I could do nothing but eat pizza and try not to put a "for sale" sign on her and plop her outside. What frustrated me was that:

1.) After her behavior the other day she had not EARNED any right to be in our house alone (but husband insisted, so...)
2.) I've had a hunch for a long time that she's been going through things while we are gone (MY things specifically)

So now she's threatening again to take him this weekend.

 

[BusynMember1]

She has custody. She can.

Your only way out of this is to get legal custody. If you chose not to try to get this, then you have to expect to possibly lose him for good. She could move three states away and not tell you where she is. Right now she has the legal world on her side and can do what she likes.

 

[SunnySad]

Oh my gosh! I don’t even know what to say. I just wanted to let you know I’m reading your posts and I’m upset right along with you. Hang in there! I can’t imagine the outrage and frustration you’re going through.

I can relate to, “This is not what I wanted my home to be.” Hit the nail on the head.

 

[susiestar]

If you have legal guardianship, she actually CANNOT take the baby with her. If you have guardianship and the baby lives with you, the mother CANNOT just leave with the baby without your permission. If she gave you guardianship, she can revoke it at any time. If the court gave you guardianship, she has to go to court to petition for guardianship to be given to her. She would have to show a judge that she is capable of caring for the child.

Legal custody of the baby is your best bet if you don't want her yanking on the leash every time she wants soemthing from you. Otherwise, "give me what I want or I will take the baby) for years to come.

You have EVERY right to set up times that she can visit, and to deny entry to your home/property the rest of the time. Her child living in your home does NOT give her the right to come over at will. Going through your phone would be the last straw for me. Hubby would be told to stuff it, she proved she cannot handle the responsibility. I would change the locks if there is ANY chance she could have a key. If you ever had a spare key sitting around, change those locks. It wiould be entirely in character for her to make a copy of your house key without telling you about it.

 

[Beta]

I agree--please, please obtain legal custody. She will use this poor baby to manipulate and get what she wants, and she will continue to put you through these awful experiences. I would hate for this baby to grow up in whatever environment she would put him/her in.

 

[Blindsided]

I have my daughter's child here with us, we have guardianship. He is 8 months old.
She was not ready for a child, and the alleged father (still not filed for paternity) was verbally/physically abusive to her, she felt he was safest here.

I have not been in this situation, but my sister raised her granddaughter. Many blessings to you.

[The other day she got wasted, then called in to work for mental health reasons, then decided to show up here. We had just returned from a little getaway (me, hubby, grandbaby). I know she was depressed about the fact that she wasn't able to provide that getaway for her child. So she came over here and does what she always does - starts crap with us to make us miserable.]

It sounds like she made an adult decision regarding the welfare of her child. I wonder what has changed that she now thinks it wasn't a good idea? My daughters delusions come and go and are mostly related to her alcoholism. Who knows what they are thinking during these periods. The manipulation is something I think we can all relate to. Here, the reality is that you have custody. If you go against that court agreement by letting her have the baby, you might not be able to get it again should something happen to the baby while in your care. Maybe just stick to those facts.

[We wait. Nothing. She leaves saying she's going to buy him car seat, pampers and playpen for their life together.
Meanwhile husband's dad is being admitted to the hospital in need of a transfusion.
Hour later she texts that she wants to just come to the house and shower. What?!]

When it rains, it pours. So sorry to hear so much hitting at one time.

[All this to say I AM SO SICK OF HER!!!!!]

We certainly get sick of the way they act and the unpredictability. Though our circumstances are not the same, I understand wanting a normal life.

On another note, my great niece is in college now. She thrives, but all has not been easy through these years. Both my sister and I have daughters that just simply refused to take on the responsibilities of adulthood. I am thinking of you. And again, bless you for what you are doing for your grandchild. Wishing your father-in-law a speedy recovery.

 

[ChickPea]

We have co-guardianship with her, but he lives with us full-time.

For us to gain custody, we'd have to file something against her and prove that she's unfit. The lawyer didn't think we'd have an easy time of it (kids in our county are often handed back to heroin-using parents... it's sad).

Blindsided - I think her excessive drinking and pot smoking are what have her thinking that she's making logical decisions right now. I actually talked to her about that today. She admitted to me that she thinks she might be an alcoholic and can't remember the last day she didn't get drunk. It's been months. I'm scared for her.