Stuck between head and heart right this minute

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Acacia, Feb 9, 2019.

  1. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    My son lives in a sober house an hour and a half away. His car is a piece of junk, brought it over to be fixed, still broken. He came to the door to ask to get a few belongings, asked to use the bathroom and started throwing up. He is sober and seems to have the flu - has vomited over a dozen tims. With no way to get back to sober house I let him in and he has been throwing up and resting. Son keeps apologizing, begging to stay the night.

    My husband does not want him in the house, says it is all of result of continued bad choice. Gave me ultimatum to have him out in a few hours. He is right that 33 year old stepson (my biological) keeps repeating the same mistakes and often manipulation.

    I think there are two realities. My son was told by garage that car was repaired and he didn't deliberately get sick. He came down to get car to go back to work.

    My husband is right that things will keep falling apart for him and he really hasn't changed.

    All this hurts. I told son he has to leave in an hour and am contemplating getting a room for the night for him, or I will drive him back to sober house. The manipulation- begging me to stay for the night and that he is lonely and no one will help him there.
    Feel wrong no matter what I do.
    Help.
     
  2. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am sorry you are in such a tough position. If you believe he is really sick I think if it was me i might go the middle road and get him a room so that you can assure yourself he is ok. Make sure he understands that you are taking him back to sober living as soon as he feels better so he doesn't think that this is long term.
     
  3. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Thanks tried and true. That's what I'm thinking.

    Also, apologies for double posting. For some reason I always think my post didn't work.
     
  4. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Only saw 1 lol
     
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I would not defy husband and have him stay. Sounds like he has the stomach flu which is icky but I do have four grown kids who have all been alone with the stomach flu and did not even WANT to be by me or anyone. They are adults and like most adults preferred to just be alone if they felt like crap. He has a room in sober living. That should be good enough. If he used drugs surely he has felt worse than the stomach flu and you weren't there.

    On the other hand if you want ti get him a room, no harm. He will still be alone but he will recover and be fine. He is 33 and doesn't need you sitting there when he is sick.

    I think you got good advice.

    I hope he feels better in the.morning.

    Have a peaceful night. Everyone will be fine!
     
  6. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    I hope he feels better quickly and you don't catch his bug.
     
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How're you doing today Acacia?
    Sending hugs and warm wishes for some peace for you.
     
  8. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Thanks profusely for the replies, which helped me to stay calm in the situation. This is what I did:

    I told my husband that if my son did not stop vomiting I would take him to the emergency room, and that I would get a hotel room for the night for him, and bring him to the sober house this morning. He begged to stay at our house, said he is lonely, and there would be no one to help him. FOG,which made me sad, but I did not relent. Husband didn't relent either.

    DS did stop throwing up. I told him the offer still stood, but I would also be willing to drive him to the sober house last night and give them a check for $125 for a week's rent, rather than renting a hotel room for the same price.

    He chose that, which was good. I bought him ginger ale, crackers, and flu medicine, told him I loved him, and drove him the 1 1/2 hours there last night.
    I was glad that I let him stay a little while, my husband is still not happy about that - wants clear, firm boundaries, and I am feeling actually okay, but also just really sad and full of grief about so many hard things.

    Thank to all who responded for your support.
     
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You came up with a compromise that worked for you, good job.
    These choices are extremely difficult especially if there are differing opinions about what is right and what is wrong.
    I believe there are no "right or wrong" responses here, simply what we can each live with at any given moment.
    Grief is certainly a big part of this process, no matter how old our adult kids are or what they've done or not done, they are still our
    kids and when they go off the rails, our hearts hurt.
    You made a good choice.
    Take good care of yourself Acacia, you've been through a tough time.
    Nourish yourself.
    (((HUGS))))
     
  10. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    SWOT brings up a valid point, especially as regards "stomach flu" (usually norovirus). That involves bodily functions that I wouldn't want my mother involved with. When I have stomach flu, I just want to be alone, and a clear, short path to the bathroom.
     
  11. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I'm late to this whole situation, but after reading the thread I just wanted to reiterate what Recovering said
    This is so true and important to remember when we doubt ourselves and our choices. People who have never been in these situations with their adult children have no idea how overwhelmingly difficult it is. I think you made a fantastic decision that everyone can live with and has everyone's best interest at heart.
     
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  12. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Acacia, I think you handled the situation, son and husband very well.
    I get what SWOT said about not wanting someone near me when sick BUT not everyone feels that way. I am that way, so is my daughter, my husband and sons are not that way. They want me in hearing distance and are needy when ill.

    I hope you wrote the check to the sober living home.
     
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I am glad that things worked out.

    I know how hard it is to be between two people that you love with all your heart and wanting to please them all!! As if that is even possible......

    It's so sad to hear they are lonely whether it's of their own doing or not.

    I can't offer anything other than my support and prayers for your strength.

    We are here for you.
     
  14. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    Thanks so much for the support. It really makes a difference.

    Yes, I wrote the check out to the sober house, and yes, I think he appreciated having someone near by when he was getting sick. So far I am okay.

    I expect he will be in a real bind since he lost his job. I cannot have him living under my roof. I know I can keep the boundary, but I also know I will feel terrible. Learning how not to carry his emotional baggage is my real task.
     
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Keep us posted!