Hello,
There are not too many people around anymore who remember the very dark days with my son. Most of you who know me at all recognize me from Special Education 101 where I try to help, with Alisha and Lizz, to answer the questions of people with school problems --and keep up hope-- despite my son being out of the public school system for four years.
A long time ago, we had a section of the board called "It worked for us" or something like that but unfortunately, it didn't have all that many posts on it, so good news now appears of the General Board. Before I go on, I want to say that in some ways, my son never "fit" here and in fact, the first day I was on the board, someone said, "get a life--your kid is not a difficult child--just spoiled." (That wouldn't happen now--newcomers always are warmly welcomed no matter what brought them here.)
However, that poster was incorrect. Despite my son having some clear strengths: no Learning Disability (LD) or ADHD, above average intelligence and musical ability, his was the real deal in difficult child-dom. My son had a diagnosis of major depression at age 8 and was diagnosis'd with ODD and a mood disorder at 11. He also was close to school refusal and social anxiety disorder then. So he was a genuine difficult child who also happened to HATE school (he was bullied) and have a very easy child sister who was a model of very high school achievement which didn't help the dynamics of our family (sigh...)
I found this board, Ross Greene's book, and set out to MAXIMIZE my son's abilities instead of focusing only on the negatives, and step out of the ODD struggle with him (I think Tx is important, and he was in therapy and on medications, but the only thing that was ever said about him in school was negative--outside of music.)
Lots of kids don't have Learning Disability (LD) or ADHD and are bright but the main thing that was really different about my son was his passion for music. However, the public school did NOT buy into my "maximize" theory: we were told by the school that he "should do homework first," that we spoiled him by acknowledging his talent in music and ability in math--while they hounded him about his above grade-level tested reading (which he hated and would not do although he could.) In 7th and 8th grades, he attended school part-time so he would have time for music. I had homework restricted as well. The school was outraged by this but psychiatrist was very clear that less (school) was more for him.
Finally, adolescence, 9/11, and high school came together and by October of his freshman year he was on his third high school. He was kicked out of a music conservatory high school, our public high school as "too suicidal"--if you know Special Education., you know this isn't legal but it was not a time for me to play legal games with his life, and ended up in an egbs that was unlocked. His psychiatrist said, "one more failed placement and no unlocked facility will take him."
That was scary enough, but so was his future: he rejected music as not for him and went for the dark side: a full Goth--dressed in black, painted nails, red streaked hair, etc. The only thing he missed was a hard drug habit and tattoos: he just didn't have the connections to get into hard drugs before we got him into egbs and he was afraid of tattoos.
He was an egbs success story: he decided to come back to his passion and entered a (day) conservatory h.s. two years ago. He was a musical success there and studied organ outside of school.
He still hates English--he got some D's in English-- but ironically, turned out to be very good at Spanish and likes it. (You can't have an Learning Disability (LD) in your native language and suddenly have high facility in another language--but by then the public school was out of the picture so, who cares?) He has never been easy to live with and still isn't but his moods do not rise to a diagnosis of BiPolar (BP) so we are hopeful that with maturity, the mood swings will diminish.
So I would say, "GO FOR IT" if you difficult child has clear strengths. The schools are supposed to build on strengths but in my opinion they don't: they perseverate on failures and blame us as parents. I know there are positive exceptions but they are not too common, especially for older difficult child's.
My son never did all that well in school except in math and Spanish but he now has post high school opportunities: he was acepted at the Eastman School of Music and The Juilliard School--as well as one liberal arts college.
MrNo is going to THE JUILLIARD SCHOOL in NYC!!!!
If I had listened to the public school and not let this boy focus on his strengths, this would not have happened.
Thanks to all who were here for me, to Nancy who encouraged me to post this news, even though there are not too many people around who remember our darkest days, and Fran who keeps this wonderful operation running...
I guess what I should do now is go to Parent Emeritus moderated by my old friend SUZ, but I will also continue to post in Special Education 101 to try to help there. I might even drop by the Watercooler for a laugh...
When I joined the board, my son was 11. He will be 18 in a week. I know that he is different from some kids here in terms of his basic underlying talent that none of us had anything to do withâhe was born with it. Nevertheless, I still believe that what went "right" for him applies to all: try to help your difficult children find something that matters to them while they are young enough that you can influence the outcome. It made a huge difference in perspective for usâ-focusing on the positive was hard--right up through those high school D's in Englishâwe had to remember that his life is not about D's in English, it is about what he wants to do with his life.
I hope to see you all in cyber space for a long time to come but I hope I am NOT posting about my son :laugh:
Martie :Warrior:
There are not too many people around anymore who remember the very dark days with my son. Most of you who know me at all recognize me from Special Education 101 where I try to help, with Alisha and Lizz, to answer the questions of people with school problems --and keep up hope-- despite my son being out of the public school system for four years.
A long time ago, we had a section of the board called "It worked for us" or something like that but unfortunately, it didn't have all that many posts on it, so good news now appears of the General Board. Before I go on, I want to say that in some ways, my son never "fit" here and in fact, the first day I was on the board, someone said, "get a life--your kid is not a difficult child--just spoiled." (That wouldn't happen now--newcomers always are warmly welcomed no matter what brought them here.)
However, that poster was incorrect. Despite my son having some clear strengths: no Learning Disability (LD) or ADHD, above average intelligence and musical ability, his was the real deal in difficult child-dom. My son had a diagnosis of major depression at age 8 and was diagnosis'd with ODD and a mood disorder at 11. He also was close to school refusal and social anxiety disorder then. So he was a genuine difficult child who also happened to HATE school (he was bullied) and have a very easy child sister who was a model of very high school achievement which didn't help the dynamics of our family (sigh...)
I found this board, Ross Greene's book, and set out to MAXIMIZE my son's abilities instead of focusing only on the negatives, and step out of the ODD struggle with him (I think Tx is important, and he was in therapy and on medications, but the only thing that was ever said about him in school was negative--outside of music.)
Lots of kids don't have Learning Disability (LD) or ADHD and are bright but the main thing that was really different about my son was his passion for music. However, the public school did NOT buy into my "maximize" theory: we were told by the school that he "should do homework first," that we spoiled him by acknowledging his talent in music and ability in math--while they hounded him about his above grade-level tested reading (which he hated and would not do although he could.) In 7th and 8th grades, he attended school part-time so he would have time for music. I had homework restricted as well. The school was outraged by this but psychiatrist was very clear that less (school) was more for him.
Finally, adolescence, 9/11, and high school came together and by October of his freshman year he was on his third high school. He was kicked out of a music conservatory high school, our public high school as "too suicidal"--if you know Special Education., you know this isn't legal but it was not a time for me to play legal games with his life, and ended up in an egbs that was unlocked. His psychiatrist said, "one more failed placement and no unlocked facility will take him."
That was scary enough, but so was his future: he rejected music as not for him and went for the dark side: a full Goth--dressed in black, painted nails, red streaked hair, etc. The only thing he missed was a hard drug habit and tattoos: he just didn't have the connections to get into hard drugs before we got him into egbs and he was afraid of tattoos.
He was an egbs success story: he decided to come back to his passion and entered a (day) conservatory h.s. two years ago. He was a musical success there and studied organ outside of school.
He still hates English--he got some D's in English-- but ironically, turned out to be very good at Spanish and likes it. (You can't have an Learning Disability (LD) in your native language and suddenly have high facility in another language--but by then the public school was out of the picture so, who cares?) He has never been easy to live with and still isn't but his moods do not rise to a diagnosis of BiPolar (BP) so we are hopeful that with maturity, the mood swings will diminish.
So I would say, "GO FOR IT" if you difficult child has clear strengths. The schools are supposed to build on strengths but in my opinion they don't: they perseverate on failures and blame us as parents. I know there are positive exceptions but they are not too common, especially for older difficult child's.
My son never did all that well in school except in math and Spanish but he now has post high school opportunities: he was acepted at the Eastman School of Music and The Juilliard School--as well as one liberal arts college.
MrNo is going to THE JUILLIARD SCHOOL in NYC!!!!
If I had listened to the public school and not let this boy focus on his strengths, this would not have happened.
Thanks to all who were here for me, to Nancy who encouraged me to post this news, even though there are not too many people around who remember our darkest days, and Fran who keeps this wonderful operation running...
I guess what I should do now is go to Parent Emeritus moderated by my old friend SUZ, but I will also continue to post in Special Education 101 to try to help there. I might even drop by the Watercooler for a laugh...
When I joined the board, my son was 11. He will be 18 in a week. I know that he is different from some kids here in terms of his basic underlying talent that none of us had anything to do withâhe was born with it. Nevertheless, I still believe that what went "right" for him applies to all: try to help your difficult children find something that matters to them while they are young enough that you can influence the outcome. It made a huge difference in perspective for usâ-focusing on the positive was hard--right up through those high school D's in Englishâwe had to remember that his life is not about D's in English, it is about what he wants to do with his life.
I hope to see you all in cyber space for a long time to come but I hope I am NOT posting about my son :laugh:
Martie :Warrior:
