Suicide fear hanging over my head

[magy]

Years ago I was afraid to say anything about my kids. Now I have become thier advocate, years of social working and now law enforcement has helped. Each day I try to help one person to get through the day. Somedays I am the one needing help. My mother is one to sweep things under the rug. I told her one day she was going to trip on the mound. I have a thing I say to people who ask me how I get though each day.

To me it is simple, I wake up in the morning and thank god me and mine are alive.

Before bed I thank god we made it through another day.

The only one your kids will have as thier voice is you. You know them better than anyone ever will. So the next time anything bad happens say to your self.... it can only get better from here.


magy

 

[Fran]

magy, I understand completely. husband was once, very stressed about a situation.
I suggested that we had already been through the worst with our difficult child and we survived. Everything else is gravy. It keeps things in perspective.

I am grateful everyday. Believe me.

 

[Rasin2]

Elise,
I would just dry up and blow away if I had to deal with that nagging feeling of whether or not my darling difficult child would commit suicide. My mother has tried 5 times in my life starting about age 5. The last attempt was 12 years ago. The sad thing is no matter how much time passes I simply cannot trust she will never try again. When my grandma (mom's mom) died after a short battle with lung cancer two years ago I warned the hospice nurse to begin keeping track of Granny's medications and to collect them and flush them herself after she passed. The temptation for my mother to deal with her grief by suicide was a real possibility.
Now mom has started the "My dog's dying", 'My mom's dead", "My kids are leaving" (hubby, grandkids and I are relocating because of a job)...It scares me to know that once I am out of the city one weak moment, one bad day and it won't matter that she didn't try in the last 12 years... I'll only remember the time she did and succeeded. :frown:

 

[addie]

Just to clarify - I would never, ever treat any threat/suggestion/attempt re suicide lightly. I'm sorry if I gave that impression.

On the contrary, I have a complete protocol to follow if it happens. Which includes a serious occurrence report which goes all the way up to the ministry.

Nor did I treat it lightly when Jess said it ... with her, it is one of the things that prompted both psychologist and psychiatrist assessments.

It's just that based on my training, and my experience of kids' peers who have actually done it, whether it's a myth or not I do know that at least outside the home (teachers, friends etc) no-one saw it coming. No signs. The families in my experience have said the same but as you say, they may not have seen/recognized the signs of mental disorders.

But to repeat, I would NEVER treat it lightly and if I gave that impression, I apologize. I was actually trying (perhaps in an awkward way) to lighten Elise's load.

I am so sorry it did not come across as intended ........

addie

 

[Nee]

I do have a fear of suicide as when difficult child was about 6 he would be sitting on the couch and out of nowhere he would say I wish I was dead and then happily go off to school. He had done this several times. He was on no medications.
My main problem is that when he becomes of age(21) will he stop taking his medications. He is very impulsive off medication and can get very wound up/and or silly,irritable off medications.
I had a sis who did commit suide and I went to therapy with her where she talked about it openly AIt happened 5 years after the therapy. She was despondent about having schizophrenia. It was very painful for us as a family.

 

[Elise]

Each and every one of your stories has touched me deeply. The pain and fear that goes with suicide has touched so many lives.

I am astounded at the number of people willing to share their private pain with me. I am indebted to you.

It helps to know that I am not alone.

Many hugs,

Elise

 

[Fran]

I found this to be such a powerful thread that I would like to archive it but I want to ask those who contributed if they want it archived.
I can delete responses if you aren't comfortable.
I don't know if it will help someone else but it really did move me.

E-mail me or PM me with your input. Thanks again for these life stories.

 

[sameold sameold]

This post is so sad. My difficult child says he wants to "kill himself" at least once a day. If I have to run out to the store or anything, I call and call him on the phone, if there is no answer, you race home, wondering, holding your breath. I wonder if this will ever pass, please let it pass.

 

[Corysmom]

Fran...you have my permission...as always.

I wanted to add something.

This may be unique to me...I dont know. But I have always found or thought to myself that having my suicide "plan" actually kept me alive. That may seem like such a contradiction in terms. But I will try to explain. I have gone thru such dark times and such horrible times that the only way I got thru them was by telling myself that I could hang on till tomorrow. I could live till tomorrow. Then I could make it till the next day. I used to have a bullet hidden just to use to end it all. Now I have a supply of pills. Obviously...I have a ton of medications that could easily end my life if I wanted to do that. I will always have enough to put my plan into play should the need arise. Its my safety net. But as long as my safety net is in place...I can go on. It gives me the strength to know that I have a choice in the matter. If the pain gets too bad, or the battle too weary, or the desperation just too bleak...I can leave. I dont want to right now. I dont ever want to get to that point again. But I can should I ever want to. I guess thats what they call ideation. I guess thats what keeps me bipolar...lol. But I cant live without my plan. If my plan was taken from me it would send me into a tailspin. I dont act on my plan...its just in my mind. I never take more medications than Im supposed to...Im very diligent on that. In fact, Im one who takes less...much to my docs chagrin. Especially my pain medications. Wish I didnt need them.

Oh well...maybe this made sense to someone. I have no clue if it did or not.

 

[Fran]

Janet, I was just coming to see if the post was ready to be archived when I saw you post.

I think I understand what you are saying. Nothing is so bad that you can't get through one if you know tomorrow is the end. Then you push through to the next day and the next.

I will be archiving this soon.

Thank you again.

 

[Corysmom]

Exactly...as long as I always have a choice...as long as I have the power of my being in control of making my own choices...

Its my decision to make...my being in control of my destiny. I have ability to say when its time. That means I can say I am gonna stick around.

That means I will be here for a long time.

I guess it just works for me....lol.

 

[OTE]

Janet- I think in a way what you're saying applies to all of us.. maybe all of us depressives anyway LOL. I always describe it as a light at the end of the tunnel. If I thought I were going to have to be in this situation forever, that things would never get better I couldn't cope as well. But knowing that there's hope ... For me, depression deep enough to consider suicide is the total absence of hope. But I can understand your version of that too. For me, your version applies more in a case of physical pain or terminal illness, but I understand.

 

[Allan-Matlem]

What frightens me is that kids who have this tendency are not able to carry it through when they are at their worst , weakest etc - it is only when they start recovering and gaining strength do they aquire that capacity to go through a suicide. It was in England recently that because of a seies of suicides of kids taking I think an anti- depressant , they were banned. I read the above explanation - kids get better and stronger thru medications and then can go thru the suicide
Yours Allan

 

[Ephchap]

We only went through this the once - while my son was high as a kite on drugs. Did I take him seriously? Absolutely! He had been out all night and stumbled in the house in the wee hours of the morning. When we told him he either commit himself to rehab or we would call the police, he grabbed a razorblade. He threatened to use it on himself if we called the police to come and get him. The thought of being locked up when he was so high was obviously more than he could bear.

husband and my oldest son each grabbed an arm in that instant, and I ran to call 911. They couldn't pry the blade out of his hand, but were straining to hold his hand away from his other arm/wrist. The police came in, and he immediately dropped the blade ... and I proceeded to be sick, as they cuffed by son and rushed him to the ER. It was by far the worst day of my life.

Would he have done it? I don't know. After he detoxed, he said no - he wouldn't have. Therapist seemed pretty sure he wouldn't have.

Was I willing to take that chance? Absolutely not.

My heart breaks for those that live with this fear for themselves or for a loved one. I cannot imagine someone in so much pain that they feel they cannot go on.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[Corysmom]

Yeah OTE...Im in the unique or not so unique situation of having both mental and physical problems. I will live with chronic severe pain both physically and emotionally probably most of the rest of my life. I hope that it gets better. I do things to try and make it better every day. I work as hard as I can to make each day better than the day before but I cant guarantee it will be. Lots of times it is much worse than the day before. If I had to really sit down and think about the fact that I was gonna be in this much pain for every single day of the rest of my life for the next 45 years...omg...find me the nearest gun. It just wouldnt be worth it. But then...Im not in that much pain today. My medications are working pretty ok today. The day was nice, the sun was shining and it was warm. If only my car got running today it would have been a great day...lol. So I go on. I dont think about the next 45 years. I think about getting thru tomorrow...and the next week, and the next few months. I will let the years take care of themselves.