The gut punch of motherhood

[BusynMember]

I highly recommend Nar Anon. It is a program to help people who have addicted love ones. They have Zoom online meetings now.

 

[YogiLori]

Welcome YogiLori ! Sorry you that you have a situation with your own son around drug use. I am glad you found us on this website

Well thank you so much. It feels so good to be welcomed and responded too and to read others stories. I am trying to have hope but that is not my strong point. Unfortunately I've become worn down. This website helps. Thanks again !

 

[YogiLori]

I highly recommend Nar Anon. It is a program to help people who have addicted love ones. They have Zoom online meetings now.

I have ordered the book and the workbook and joined a meeting in the suburb I grew up in Illinois. I am looking forward to more connection and support. Thank you!

 

[BusynMember]

This is really great!!!

 

[YogiLori]

OMG, I totally understand as I do all the self help things you do! I just joined this website today because I do not want to feel alone. I totally agree, marijuana has/is ruined my son's brain. He literally is so dependent on someone for everything. He is so capable but he will not help himself. I am broken too and you are not alone. I am not sure what the answer is.......I am a saver, a recovering codependent and a people pleaser. WE love our son's. Somehow some way they just have to figure it out......What has been getting me through is a daily mantra " I will accept whatever happens" " I will be at peace with whatever happens" - we have too because we have no control over their decisions. But I am being honest, I am not at peace and Im not accepting ......... Im trying

Also today I read Unconditional Love does not mean unconditional acceptance of bad behavior. I like this. When our son is in our house he said he will follow the rules - help out, not sleep all day and stay up all night, not bring his drugs in here.....among many other things. HE NEVER FOLLOWS ANY RULES. I really know this now. He is adverse to any peace. He likes chaos and being and a**hole. In fact, he seems to like behaving that way. I don't have to understand why anymore. One day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Keep trying to focus on you and do what makes you peaceful and happy. I do keep thinking about trying to let go let god.......let go again and again and again. I'm going to keep trying too. You are not alone.

 

[YogiLori]

Thank you Blighty. I am so glad I found this website too! I cant believe I stumbled into it. It gives me solace that there are many folks like me (this is so sad under these circumstances) My son's friends are all doing what they are supposed to be doing. Sure, sometimes they drink too much, or get in some trouble, but they are working, going to college, participating in their family in even a little way. Our son doesn't care about college, thinks he cannot work without a car, tells us all the time that he doesn't believe in 3/4 of our bullshit beliefs - skips our birthday and holiday celebrations yet expects presents and money for his birthday. So there are no mom's that I know of that has a son or daughter like mine......it feels so isolating and lonely and makes me think "what did we do wrong?" I am so grateful to be here

 

[Ascending]

Also today I read Unconditional Love does not mean unconditional acceptance of bad behavior. I like this. When our son is in our house he said he will follow the rules - help out, not sleep all day and stay up all night, not bring his drugs in here.....among many other things. HE NEVER FOLLOWS ANY RULES. I really know this now. He is adverse to any peace. He likes chaos and being and a**hole. In fact, he seems to like behaving that way. I don't have to understand why anymore. One day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Keep trying to focus on you and do what makes you peaceful and happy. I do keep thinking about trying to let go let god.......let go again and again and again. I'm going to keep trying too. You are not alone.

Yes!!!

Read your own post above to keep reminded!

 

[poola]

A punch to the gut. That is what it feels like right now.

My son is basically homeless again. His drug of choice is marijuana and I don't think vaping helps. It seems to really affect his mind negatively.

He has clearly developed some mental issues over the last few years. Getting mental health help for him has been NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE, Every practice, since the pandemic is fully booked, we go on waiting lists and nothing ever comes of it.

Over the last year and a half, we've reached a breaking point in my house. He is 25 and basically refuses to work a regular job. I've spent half of my retirement over the last year and a half helping him. He was so disrespectful to my husband (his step dad), calling him every nasty name in the book and everyone around him. He would vape in the house, bring marijuana into the house; etc. We finally had to throw him out. Since then he has couch surfed but now has no friends left. When we do let him back in, it has gotten physical. He gaslights - it seems to be his favorite hobby - and we don't feel safe when he is here. I also have a teen daughter with my current husband.

Then there are times when he is sober and he is his regular self and it is like visiting with my child that doesn't have these problems. I say he is acting like "the regular (name)". It's great.

The car drama has been unbearable - he had a nice car that we cosigned a loan on and he totaled it, He has tickets upon tickets. It was around the time of this accident that I noticed him starting to get really out of control. I bought him an $800 car to hold him over so that he could work and save to buy a new car and he ran it into the ground - never getting his foot hold to save for a new one. He has no car for months and would say, "I can't get a job without a car". Enter $3500 volvo. The car was a lemon, but there was a used car shortage and I was desperate. It ended up having a gas leak!!!! I felt so foolish. Threw in so much more money to fix it and he totaled it.

This is where he began to hit rock bottom. He was staying with some questionable friends, I think they were throwing him out and he fought back and one punched him and broke his jaw. When the fight happened, he called me to pick him up but I said no. He had cried wolf too many times and it was 2 am. I didn't know it was broken. He went two days and didn't get medical help and wouldn't. I finally facetimed him and said he needed to go to Urgent Care immediately, I took him to urgent care and they determined it was fractured. We ended up in the ER and it ended up being the best case scenario for this situation - no admittance, no surgery and his jaw wired shut for two weeks. Again, a small fortune for me.

Of course I took him back in to help him heal. He did not want the pain medications - refused them - which I thought was strange bc I kept wondering if he was into harder stuff. I made his liquid diet, I said just rest, sleep, chill out in your room, I was in enabling heaven. Would this help get my son back? It got ugly one day when he wanted me to drive him to get marijuana and that he needed it for pain. It is legal in my state and readily available. We argued, It became physical. He thought I was calling the police on him and he called them! The nicest officer in the world came. Tried to talk him into going to the hospital to get mental help, He said OK. We got into the car and he refused to go. I've read many reviews for the help at the hospital crisis center. It is abmismal. Every review said you wait hours and hours and hours and they send you home with nothing. They send suicidal people home. It's just awful. While things calmed down, it was clear that he couldn't stay with us. He stayed until we had the wires removed and for about another week then my sister let him come visit for two weeks to give him more time to let his jaw heal.

My niece happened to be selling her car for $2500. My husband and I thought this might be good because he is going to be homeless. At least he would have a car to sleep in after he left my sisters?? We bought him the car but we told him his Grandmother paid for it and he had to pay HER back. We thought he would be more likely to honor the agreement if it was with her. The car was old - a 2000 honda but at least he could get a job and if worse came to worse, sleep in it. We bought him a gym membership so that he would have access to a shower. We did it for guilt for him and for our own conscience.

After he left our home and went to my sisters, I gave my husband my word that I wouldn't let him back into the house. My husband is starting to have health issues and he has been through enough with my son.

After my sisters, he was couch surfing again, but he was out of favors from friends. A sort of a Hail Mary pass was thrown his way from his uncle. He had a roofing job in Texas that would begin in a few months and maybe my son could work it. He would have housing and a job. He asked me for my advice. I gave him a big talk about laying low, not driving the car a lot because it's old, finding a job until the Texas thing worked out, maybe chilling in his car if he needed to instead of bugging friends.

The very next day,without saying anything to me about it, he drove to his friend's house in TEXAS. 1700 miles away!!!!!!.

(We pay for his cell so that we can see his location. I stopped checking his location because I needed to detach, but my husband keeps an eye on it bc he doesn't want him showing up here and starting something.)

About an hour outside of his destination, the honda died. RIP. It was done. He had the car for 27 days and managed to kill it.

I was done. I folded. He was stuck in Texas with no way to get home. I said, 'this is your life, figure it out" The friends let him stay 3 weeks before they had enough. I think they tried to have him get a job and he wouldn't and they were like, "go home". They helped him scrap the car and got him an airline ticket back. These are boys from our town that I knew in middle school. They must have been angels to put up with him this long.

NOW he's back in our area.

I said I'm done.

Another Hail Mary came to him, HIs friend is a painter working on a house flip. The man that owns the flip let him work and sleep there for the last two weeks.

I saw my son for the first time in a month yesterday. He came out and was carrying a bag and looked homeless. My heart is broken. I am devastated.

I Took him for food and took him to the house flip to stay at. Everyone said don't go pick him up, it's a trap. I even felt it was. He got in the car and he tried to manipulate, make me feel guilty, etc. My husband was not happy I went. I took him to the house flip and he said the guy didn't really want him staying there anymore. I didn't know what to do. I just went in with him and he showed me the work he had done and we talked and I left. Three hours later he called and said the guy wanted him to leave and the guy was nice about it, but basically said, when you get your head on straight, you can work with me, but work it out with your parents. I said I'm sorry there is nothing I can do. He went to another questionable friend's house.

When he went to Texas I gave up. His real Dad lives in Florida and hasn't been responsible with his life. He was an alcoholic when we were married and was just never there for my son. He is no longer drinking. He recently found out he might have cancer. Now he wants to help my son, Unfortunately, he doesn't own a home and can't have my son live with him. It wouldn't work anyway as they are both hot heads and my son gaslighting. HOWEVER, he has lined up a job for him in Florida that starts in two weeks. My son said he can stay with a friend - but we know how that works out. He said he wants to go but I can tell he is scared. Scared of failure. I feel like he doesn't want to go but has no choice. It is going to be cold here soon.

My husband and I don't know if we should help him for the next two weeks and also to get settled in Florida. He has a better chance of success if we help. His real Dad has no money to help but at least got him the job. and it is a pretty decent one.

It's 6 am here and I've been up since 4 am. Not an unusual night of sleep for a mom whose child is basically on the streets.

I can't stop shaking. I'm sick to my stomach. My heart hurts. I can't eat.

No one in this situation has done more self care than myself -
- I've read books, "how to have boundaries with your adult child" - basically a manual on detachment and followed it
- Read the stories on this board to know I'm not alone.
- Keep a copy of the conductdisorders "detachment" article in my inbox to read when I'm feeling weak
- Watch countless videos on detaching, motivation, self care
- meditate (the calm app),
- work out at the gym,
- cut back on alcohol,
- go to my check ups (my head won't work if my body doesn;t),
- I tried the FA zoom but got scared and left. I wasn't able to be open and raw with anyone.
- took a trip to Europe this summer and found myself again - I wanted to keep on LIVING before it was too late.I can honestly say that was the best detachment that I've had in this hell. I jumped into the mediterranean sea and just let everything go.
- Planning a trip to Greece next summer but already feel GUILTY as heck - how can I go to Greece when he is homeless? I have to put my life on hold again? What if I run out of time? We are only promised today after all.
- Do journal exercises by writing but, after I'm finished writing it, I rip it up and flush it down the toilet so that I can write whatever I am feeling and know that no one will ever read it - it is very therapeutic.
- Made a list of all of the enabling behaviors that I wouldn't do and read it when I'm weak and I'm weak.

He had a very promising future, Accepted to a good college, a trip to Europe before college began, girlfriends, jobs, etc. In college he and his roommates

tha decided to be the pot dealers on campus and his roommate put all these get rich quick schemes into his head - day trading, stocks, bitcoin, not working a regular 9-5 and that, coupled with pot, has just ruined his brain.

As I type this, I see the sun has come up. I look outside to the beautiful sky. Is it a sign of hope?

Thank you for listening.
brokeninside

This all sounds so similar to my life. I am at my breaking point as well. As far as helping him remember helping is going things like directing him to resources and maybe get him a bus pass, enabling him is doing things that make it easier for him to continue what he is doing.

 

[poola]

So very very sorry you are going through this. I agree with the others that your son will only change when he wants to. We as mothers want so desperately to save them, but the result is that the enabling behaviour creates even more toxicity. We too provided money, education, condo and it was all destroyed by his entitlement, addiction and mental illness. family dynamics changed forever but it wasn’t until I finally detached things changed. I realized I had to love myself enough to let him go. Yes, love myself enough to let him go. We would never put up with this abuse from anyone else. I was tired of being a victim….his victim. But then I realized I had put myself in this position. Lots of therapy, lots of help from the few friends left, this site, spirituality, ever seeking my way. When I finally did, guess what? He started to change, take accountability, seek help. please get yourself help. You owe it to you and your other family members. Read the article on detachment hourly if need be. And please show compassion to yourself. Love yourself enough to let him go and trust that he will find his way. Hugs

OMG, I totally understand as I do all the self help things you do! I just joined this website today because I do not want to feel alone. I totally agree, marijuana has/is ruined my son's brain. He literally is so dependent on someone for everything. He is so capable but he will not help himself. I am broken too and you are not alone. I am not sure what the answer is.......I am a saver, a recovering codependent and a people pleaser. WE love our son's. Somehow some way they just have to figure it out......What has been getting me through is a daily mantra " I will accept whatever happens" " I will be at peace with whatever happens" - we have too because we have no control over their decisions. But I am being honest, I am not at peace and Im not accepting ......... Im trying

This describes my son almost exactly. I'm ready to try to let go and cut off my enabling behaviors like buying him cigarettes and driving him all around and basically at his bekon call.

 

[YogiLori]

This describes my son almost exactly. I'm ready to try to let go and cut off my enabling behaviors like buying him cigarettes and driving him all around and basically at his bekon call.

It is so hard to change. I have so much more awareness around how I was helping him. Awareness is key. I felt responsible to be his caretaker......I care about him but at 19, I am no longer his care taker. Also tough love. I despise tough love but it is necessary. It is so hard for me but it is getting easier because I see my role in all of it. It is baby steps - not 0-100 the first time. You can only do what you can do.....my husband is much better at it. It gets to the point and you are done. And then you work on supporting yourself rather than their behavior!!!