Sweet Betsy - I'm Pregnant

[MrsMcNear46]

I got the call a couple of weeks ago, "Mom, I'm pregnant." boyfriend and I are happy and it will all work out. OK, Sweet Betsy, I am here to support you.

Since then, it has been up and down. She and boyfriend cannot get along, have no perm. home, they are living and working for his uncle in Mich. but had planned to move back to Chicago in the spring. Last nite I get the call, Mom, I don't want to be pregnant, I don't want to be with boyfriend, I don't want to be an 18 year old with no education and living on public aid with a baby. I don't want to be a mom. So, Sweet Betsy, what do you propose to do about all that? No answer, no plan, no nothing. I don't want to come home Mom, but what choice do I have, I don't want to be here with him.

I went to bed so worried, so shook up. Up this morning with the attitude I've adopted this new year...it will be a good day, it will be what I make it. easy child would not get up and go to school....another issue in itself, so I just left...consequences for that later. Not at work 10 mins., cell rings. Sweet Betsy on other end....I have to get out of here now. I hate him. I listen to her sob for a few minutes then told her I would look up train information and email it to her. Along with that email, I told her that she was going to have to get a plan. That she was going to have to find a path and stay on it. That I would be here to support and help her.

You all know how very much I love Sweet Betsy. But we cannot live together. It doesn't work for either of us. She stayed at her dad's for 8 months in 2005 and he kicked her out twice. Then she left for Chicago. I'm sure he will let her come back to his house, but it will only be a matter of a short time before I get the call from Betsy that dad says Get out. I always get the phone call...and usually whatever is wrong, is blamed on me....can't win for losing sometimes.

Ok guys, where do I draw the line with Bets? She is so fragile sometimes, I really worry about a suicide attempt. She tried once before. I really don't know what to do or say. I would appriciate all your input...

If I had my way, I'd pack my car and head to the beach!

Thanks,

Mrs. McNear

 

[Suz]

Well, you are certainly in the right forum for this question, MM. We have several PE :warrior: who have faced the same challenge and I'm sure they will weigh in on what worked for them.

The ups and downs of the relationship will probably continue based on the kinds of relationships all of our kids seem to have with SOs. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif I wonder if you waited it out if they wouldn't break up and get back together many times in the next 9 months?

From someone who has, thank God, not gone through this, I think you are right on track repeating your question of "what is your plan" and helping her devise one. I sympathize about the living arrangements- Rob and I cannot live together either. Ever.

Suz

 

[PonyGirl]

No advice to offer, just wanted to add that I, as well as you, and Suz, am also unable to live with my difficult child.

And also I, as well as Suz, agree with reinforcing to Sweet Bets, "what's YOUR plan" and help/support her with that part.

Peace

 

[Fran]

I am another member of the "can't live with difficult child" club. I love him, I help him but I can't live with the constant chaos and emotion.
Mrs.McNear, she has adult choices to make that have long term consequences. Give her all the options and sit back to let her decide. Remember she may be back with boyfriend next week. difficult child's aren't known for stable relationships.
Helping and enabling are different. It's just a tightrope that we walk everytime we have any dealings with each other.

I don't blame you for wanting to go to the beach. I'm sorry she made a poor choice.

 

[KFld]

I was thinking the same thing as Fran, she will be back with him in week. I wouldn't rush to much in trying to move her back until you really see she is through with boyfriend. Before you know it they will both be living with you. I have a difficult child son in a really unhealthy relationship and a possible child who is now 3 months old and he is in the process of a paternity test. One week he loves her, the next he hates her and has been done with her every other week!!
Don't know what advice to give you right now as I am also a member of the I can't live with my difficult child club, and I don't live with him. Luckily he never asks :smile:

 

[fedup]

Have no sage words of wisdom for you, but you are welcome to head down to see me anytime!

 

[Sunlight]

I am so sorry. This is a worry you do not need. I do think that Bets will be needing you more as her pregnancy progresses. In PA though, she would get housing and help with healthcare.

 

[witzend]

You could always refer her to an adoption agency.

 

[judi]

I too have been there done that. My son's girlfriend had a baby two months ago. We don't help our son. However, we do support the baby with diapers, wipes, clothing, gas for mom's car.

WIC (women, infants, children) is a great program that is federally funded that helps with food for mom and formula for baby. That really does help.

 

[OTE]

This is an option. This is just one example, these sorts of places exist all over the country. They are pro-life but not necessarily anti-adoption. It gives her a place to live that is safe, low cost or free, will help her with education, will not pressure her to do anything other take the baby to term, will get her the medical care, WIC, social services and everything else she needs during the pregnancy and help her set up for after the pregnancy. I'm sure you could find one near where she is now, near where her father is or near where you are. It's a safe option anyway should she choose to take advantage of it.

http://stelizabethcatholiccharities.org/maternity.php

 

[TYLERFAN]

Hi Mrs. McNear:

I also belong to the "can't live with difficult child" circle. And you know what? That's O.K. It is a blessing to at least know what you are and aren't able to do to continue to live a stable life of your own. Don't feel guilty about it...one day your sweet Betsy may come to realize why....just as my difficult child has.
Now, I also welcome you to the "difficult child Grandma Club". We are a very special bunch......you're among friends.
Life for your family and especially for sweet Betsy are going to change....that is for sure. When my daughter told me she was pregnant at 20, it was hard at first to accept. We talked to her about not continuing the pregnancy, about adoption , about what her life was going to be like. She wanted to keep the baby and I supported her in that.In time, it was something that brought us closer. It still does.....I am raising her son....he is a joy and a blessing to our family.
I am not saying that you will end up raising this baby, but it may happen and you have to ask yourself how you feel about that.
As for your Sweet Betsy, she doesn't have to be a "mom on welfare" if she doesn't want to be. She has a host of services that she can choose from. Get her on medicaid, sign her up for the WIC program, my daughter got her pre-natal care at a clinic here that was connected with a good hospital. She didn't have to pay anything for the care. Also get her signed up with social services......they can help her with housing, getting child support, educational and job help once the baby is born. Betsy can work her way up and out of the welfare system.....as for right now, it may be her only option unless someone is willing to pay for all these things. Expect that she and the baby's father will be an up and down issue. Your job will be to be there for the child. To make a safe and secure place for him in your family so that no matter what, he/she feels safe and loved. That's really what it is all about. Betsy will have to do whatever it is that she has to, to be whatever she wants to be. You are this baby's port in the storm.
I want to congratulate you grandma. It will all be ok. I know you have faith. Now is the time to lean on it.

Blessings,
Melissa *

 

[MrsMcNear46]

Thank you all so much for you advise. It's like going to therapy for me, but talking to those who have been there and care about us. It is very comforting and believe me, I take your words to my heart.

I bought Sweet Betsy a train ticket home last night. She is scheduled to come home tomorrow evening. I will give her a soft place to land for the time being, give her some MAMA LOVE and help her get on her feet. We've aranged for her to stay with her dad for the time being and hopefully get her out on her own in a few months. I am so aware that so many things can change quickly, and am prepared for what ever happens. We will get thru this and we will all be ok.

Fran- you know me so well. I have been an enabler or more a co-dependent most of my life. I have trouble keeping that in check and your reminder will stay with me. Thank you for all your words of advise thru the years. Your one smart cookie.

Sweet Betsy was only 12 when I found the board and we have survived alot of troubled waters in the past. Thank you all for being there to hold us up. It has helped me to hang on many times.

I will keep you posted. Please keep us in your thoughts. And thanks again so very much for your kind words.

Blessings,

Mrs. McNear

 

[DDD]

been there done that...obviously! I don't envy you and the choices you have
to make, to say nothing of having to observe the choices that she makes.

I think OTE is right on the money. The very best thing for
the expectant Mother AND the anticipated new life is taking
independent responsibility. This can not be learned with a
Mom at hand. A residential program can provide health care,
support, massive education on parenting and childcare and a
full plate of options for the future. Termination is not on
the plate, of course, so if that is under consideration then
delay the research.

Each of us has to sort through our decisions. As much as I
love my grandsons (and nobody doubts that!), I should have
found a program away from home for GFGmom so she would know
exactly what parenting is all about. I made a mistake. DDD

 

[DammitJanet]

Boy this difficult child grandma club is growing!

The others gave good advice. Since I am on the daddys side of the fence I dont have a whole lot to offer. You can get her a ton of baby items through your local freecycle site. You join that thru www.freecycle.org If you want any more info about that just ask.

I know I didnt expect to have a grandchild this early or in this manner but oh well...she is here. Now I am expecting the second one from Jamie this summer. Life goes on.

 

[Irishkalleene]

I think you are off to a good start telling her she has to make a plan and stick to it. I can only imagine the emotional rollercoaster this would put an 18 yr old --- and you on.

The focus at the Alanon Parenting Group is take care of yourself. We all shared the same scenario we just used different wording .......... they only connect with us when they want something.
They keep calling......
We keep helping....
the cycle never ends.
How can you take care of yourself......... maintain your sanity amidst her insanity.

Maybe help her find options, let her make the decisions. The Hard part is standing by watching what they choose.
My heartfelt thoughts are with you.

 

[SunnyFlorida]

I would research and find out what is available in your area for homeless pregnant women and advise difficult child to go there.

 

[MrsMcNear46]

Sweet Betsy rode in on the train last Sat. nite. After 48 hrs. at her dads, I went and picked her up. It was clear that she could not stay at dad's, he is so verbally and emotionally abusive, there is no way I would subject her to any more of that than she has already been thru with him.

We had a long conversation about what was expected of her living at my home, mainly that she is an adult now, and I expected her to act like one, mainly being respectful to me and her sister and we would show her the same respect. She agreed and so far so good. She is very clear about the rules and knows she will have to find another place to stay if she can't abide by them.

She has an appointment. this afternoon with the OB. She set the appointment. up herself and secured a ride. She has already found a job, a good one doing data entry for a local successful website owner and starts work on Monday. She will then go to Public Aid and apply for Medicaid. She has filled out the application and made the appointment. and secured a ride. She will be taking parenting classes starting in a couple of weeks. She is stepping up to the plate and is doing all that I expect her to do. I do see some major growth and maturity that hadn't been so apparent before.

She plans on going back to Chicago in May. She really doesn't want to be home, but the living conditions in Michigan weren't condusive to her pregnancy. She is refering to her time here as a "long visit". She is anxious to get on with her life without mom.

Personally, I am glad she is home for the time being. I have missed her so much since last May. I am gradually getting use to the idea she is going to have a baby and I am going to be a grandma. I am stronger and wiser than I sometimes give myself credit for guys, and I'm pretty confident we will all be ok.

Will keep you posted.

Blessings,

 

[rejectedmom]

Glad she is acceepting the responsibility. Hope all continues to go smoothly. -RM

 

[Suz]

It sounds as if both of you are adapting well to these major changes in both of your lives. Good for her for stepping up to the plate. Keep us posted.

Suz

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Glad to hear that difficult child is making appointments on her own. I can still recall difficult child 1's exgf's mother saying "doesn't really matter....there's a baby coming"! :smile: