Tears for a lost soul

[Carol B.]

Hello to all,

The tears were flowing today but not for what you might think.

I haven't been on recently. Just had to vent today. Background info: 31 yr. old son, difficult child has chosen to be on the streets for the past four years. Addictive tendencies, struggled in school, mild learning disabilities, diagnosed with ADD in the 2nd grade...started smoking at 16 and has chosen to follow that road that leads to drug use of varying kinds. Left group places to help rehab, refuses to see that he needs help with addiction and I believe some mental health issues (one being really bad anxiety) I continue to learn about the detachment and taking my emotion out of interaction with my son---that us a difficult thing to do...if I don't then I would be a mess. Over the four years he has moved to multiple states, when things get difficult or he has burned bridges with shelters and places that help, where he is at.

So yesterday, Christmas Day, I get a call, (let it go to voicemail), that he wanted to ask a question...I knew what that meant. I texted him, and he wanted to know if we could send a small amount of money. He and his girlfriend (total story for another saga) decided to yet again leave. They have been 30 minutes away from where we live off and on. My husband decided that we would send him more $$ than he asked for. At this point it helps take the feeling of guilt away, even though we have done everything in our power to help, guide, teach how to be a successful member of society. We would have used the money to get things he needs for living "out there".

After wiring the money to him and talking to him on the phone....I stood there in husband arms and the tears just started. I realized the tears are not for not begin able to fix him or change his situation,he has to want to change. The tears are for the loss of his potential in life, his soul is so lost in the world, loss of the vision I/we had the day he was born. Loss of the relationship that could have been/should have been. Mourning the loss of his spirit of life that he had as a child. He is so far away, in a manner of speaking, that I don't truly know if he can find his way back.

I am thankful for this forum. Knowing there are parents of adult children that are on similar journeys helps because I know I am not alone. What has surprised me is knowing how many of us are on this journey.

Thank you to everyone for being there and truly understanding and being supportive.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

Carol B.

 

[New Leaf]

Oh Carol B I am so sorry for your heartache and pain. I know the feeling and the heaviness of it. My eldest girl is drifting just the same, a lost soul. She is 36. It seems a series of one bad choice after another put her on this path.
It is a truly sorrowful thing to see our beautiful children living this way. I pray for my daughter to find peace and meaning in her life, also your son, and all those out there, searching for purpose.
Wishing you comfort and joy.
Mele Kalikimaka, Hau'oli Makahiki Hou
(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[JMom]

Sending you ((hugs)). I can't make it better but my son is 20 and homeless for the first time. I just keep telling myself at least I get to talk to him, some mom's don't. As long as your son has life, have hope. Even if it's just to hope someone is put in his path everyday of his life to show him something good, kindness, love, model good behavior, words of wisdom or just sharing. He might be doing the best he can for HIM right now. He's free and resourceful. You have taught him fantastic self preservation skills. It's normal for them to ask for help. Sometimes we decide to say yes
It happens, don't beat yourself up. Just remember, we are here for you. Let go of the hurt and take a bubble bath. I promise the hurt will be there when you get back! Love, JM

 

[Kalahou]

The tears are for the loss of his potential in life, his soul is so lost in the world, loss of the vision I/we had the day he was born. Loss of the relationship that could have been/should have been. Mourning the loss of his spirit of life that he had as a child.

I have felt this same way, shedding tears and more tears, many times and still do. However, I have come to understand that it was not really for my son’s life that I was shedding tears, not so much for “his” loss, but for my own (mourning my own loss). I came to the realization that my own expectations and dreams would never be realized. I had to learn and accept that my son is a different temperament and personality, has a different soul and spirit’s desires than I do, different interests and goals than me, really a very different understanding of life than I do. Often as our children are growing up, we think things should progress in a certain way, in some ways our children are part of our own identity. But then it happens that sometimes children grow in their own path away from us. I found this to be true even with a couple of my “easy” children. (They are “easy,” off on their own and cause no problems, but it’s hard to be part of their lives other than brief visits now and then, because they are on a different path(s) and move in different circles that I am not comfortable in, and project an energy that exhausts me, and I don't often enjoy it.)

If a mere acquaintance or unrelated person was following in the ways of your difficult son, you would not be feeling such pain because you would not have the personal identity and attachment to your own wishes and dreams that became part of your being in raising them up. We love our children deeply, but a big part of the detachment process is also detaching and releasing the emotion and fears that our own expectations will never be realized. This is a necessary, and painful, loss of part of our personal selves.

For me, I think when we cry for what WE see (in our own perceptions) as the "faults and failings" of another, it does them no good. I want to affirm any strength and good I see for him, while at the same time knowing I must firmly detach from emotional fears and set those boundaries for that which I cannot accept .

He might be doing the best he can for HIM right now. He's free and resourceful. You have taught him fantastic self preservation skills. It's normal for them to ask for help. Sometimes we decide to say yes

As JM said above, your son is likely doing the best he can for HIM now as he should be for what is needful now in his life to do what he wants for himself. It is his choice. He may be very content in his life and as happy for himself as many folks are that we see living what we think is a more "acceptable (?)" way of llife.

He is so far away, in a manner of speaking, that I don't truly know if he can find his way back.

Maybe he will not and does not ever need to find a way "back", but instead is progressing to find a way (his way) forward. Perhaps your own release and acceptance of the loss of your own expectations and desires for him is part of the process. This is a painful hard road for all of us warrior parents. Stand strong and be comforted. You are going to be alright.

It’s a new day. Kalahou.

 

[Kalahou]

P.S. As I read my post above, I realized that I was also writing to my own self, as a reminder to myself also about how I need to view my own difficult child's life and situation, even as the tears continue. All of us here are hurting for these necessary losses, and searching for ways and means to find peace and understanding and to move on in our journeys.
You are not alone Carol B.

 

[Tanya M]

((HUGS)) for your hurting heart Carol B.

Yes, it does hurt so deeply mourning the loss of all that we had hoped for our children. It's good that you recognize where the tears are coming from.

You sound like you have a really good grasp on the reality of the situation and that is a good thing.

I'm glad you are here with us.