Tell me if I'm nuts

[KFld]

Those of you who have read my posts in the watercooler section are aware that my husband and I are going to seperate for awhile to work through a few "issues". I am going to suggest he get an apartment and I will remain in the house with my easy child daughter until we decide what we are going to do.

Now, difficult child has met this wonderful girl who is such a huge positive influence on his life and now has to move over an hour away because that is where her family is moving. Her and difficult child want to get an apartment together but cannot afford the security and everthing else that goes with first obtaining the apartment because his rent at the soberhouse is pretty high. Before all this happened with husband we were considering helping them out with the security deposit just to give them a start because he is doing so incredibly well and we think this may be a great chance for him to continue to move ahead.

Now that we are going to have to come up with security and monthly rent for husband until we decide what to do, I am throwing around the idea of seeing if difficult child and girlfriend want to rent a room in my house with many established boundaries and time frames, charge them a smaller amount of rent then difficult child is paying right now which would help us out financially supporting husband's apartment and allowing difficult child and girlfriend to save for there own.

I can't believe I'm thinking this because if you read my profile it says, "difficult child never to live home again". I guess this is why they say, never say never. I know this would be a totally different kid coming home to live and it wouldn't be forever. We would kind of be helping each other out right now in a temporary situation. This is just a thought.

What do you all think???????

Of course I will discuss this with my counselor next week also before I make any final decisions.

 

[witzend]

Karen, I think you should trust your gut. If you think that there are conditions under which you would rent difficult child and his girlfriend a room, that you should write them down point by point and have them both sign it. But only if you are comfortable following through with whatever consequences you have set up.

Is there any way that husband could move in with someone other than getting his own apartment? That way it wouldn't be quite as much of a financial burden while you are working things out, and your relationship with difficult child could continue on it's current course.

 

[KFld]

I can't really think of anyone he could move in with right now. We are going to have to figure something out though. My dad is here for 2 weeks though and I don't want him to know anything that is going on right now. He doesn't need to worry about this, so we just have to pretend everything is hunky dory until September 10th.

 

[meowbunny]

I'm glad you said we could tell you if we think you're nuts cause my vote is definitely in the are you out of your mind category?????

No matter how good of an influence the girl is, living at home just makes it too easy for him to get back with his old friends and old life. Learning to live with someone is not easy. Doing it at home with mommy around is downright hard. Can you really cope with him thinking he is totally autonomous in your home with the right to come and go as he pleases? Honestly, if I were them, I wouldn't be willing to accept a lot rules if the room was to be treated as their apartment. If they were to rent in a room in a stranger's home, the rules basically would be keep it clean, don't take my food, pay your rent on time.

It just doesn't sound like a good idea to me even if it would solve some financial problems.

 

[Steely]

I don't know you...but I say NO, NO, NO! :thumbsdown:

Perhaps the reason he is doing so well is because he is really on his own now? Old tapes, and old dynamics will be right back in place and in action if he moves in.

Don't rock the boat - don't mess with a good thing - ummmm......you know! Let sleeping dogs lie?

 

[WhymeMom?]

When ever a child moves back home he/she takes on the role of child in the family and falls under the "house rules", which means all the positive things you have seen with your son maturing into a responsible adult will take a back seat. You will become rule maker and house enforcer.....I wouldn't go there.....

I can see you wanting to keep girl friend's positive influence, but frankly this is their problem.....you have enough on your plate right now....let them figure it out....its part of THEIR learning process......

Just my 2 cents.....

 

[AllStressedOut]

I would be worried about what is said above too. That it may undo all the good things that have been done now that he is out on his own. If you think he'll do fine, trust your gut.

I am looking forward to a day I can hear myself think so I'm not sure I'll be inviting anyone back to live with me once they're outta the nest.

 

[envisablepuppet]

If you did it with the understanding that it is a temporary situation and give them a deadline when they have to get their own place it might work for a short time. Maybe a couple of months.

I can say from experience that once a child is on their their own and used to doing as they please, they aren't really willing to follow the same rules they had before. They don't like being told what to do on any level even if the advice is well meant. It doesnt matter if it's as small as keeping a room clean.

If you could all view it as a visit and not a long term fix it might be ok. I can see good things and bad things in this arrangement. You had him leave for a reason. Even tho he is no longer using there will still be things both sides will find very hard to deal with and then some.

I'm a softie when it comes to my daughter but there is a lot of stress with having her here. He will still have some of the same habits that drove you nuts before. But on the other hand, it would give both you and your son an opportunity to enjoy each other without the nightmare of the drug issues.

There will be that honeymoon period but what happens after that? Thats why short term may be the best choice.

Me, I'd probably let him stay. He's your kid, you love him and you want to help. This is a hard decision for you but in the end your the only one that can make it.


Lea

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Karen,

Whether difficult child and girlfriend move in with you (bad idea) or get their own place, OMG, how long have they known eachother??

You are getting the sponsor speak from me. He has done marvelously in his recovery, but relatively speaking, he is still a baby. He spent a great past of his first year with wingnut, and he should have been working on himself. And now he's only been with the new girl a couple months.

Nope. He has no business co-habitating yet.

But, since we can't make the kids do anything...don't let it happen in your house.

 

[Suz]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...don't do it!

Nope.

No.

uh uh.

:nonono:

No way.

No no noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't do it.

Suz

 

[jbrain]

Uh, yeah, you are nuts! (Just kidding). Seriously, though, my gut feeling is this is a very bad idea for all the reasons others gave you. Also, when making big changes in your life you aren't able to think so clearly. Please heed the great advice here! You definitely do not need any chaos and drama that could occur and also maybe one of the reasons he is doing so well is because he is not living with you and you are not involved in the day-to-day goings on. If he was living with you you could not help but be involved, even if it is just knowing what he is doing.
Hugs,
Jane

 

[Sunlight]

I agree with what suz said and how she said it. no going backwards.

 

[everywoman]

You are at a very vulnerable time right now. You need to wait a while before making any major decisions. difficult child will figure out living and love situations on his own. Please, Karen, concentrate on you right now! Hugs...

 

[busywend]

in my humble opinion, this would be bad for you and for difficult child.

He has done better than ever - he needs to keep moving forward with his life. Moving home is like moving backwards.

You need time to figure yourself out and get used to being happy with you and you alone. Sitting around naked if you want should be an option for you! Do not constrain this much needed growth by putting a difficult child in the house.

 

[Hound dog]

Nope.

Nada.

No way Jose.

No No No Nooooooooooooo. :nonono:

I think it would be a huge step backward for both of you.

Hugs

 

[DDD]

It would be bad for difficult child. It would not be good for you or easy child.
Chances are it would be bad for girlfriend and their relationship.

Your son has made almost all of his progress on his own. He is
now a man. He is sober. Moving into the house with you and his
sister and having the mixed up emotions about his Dad..no way.
I'm afraid the separation may cause issues even from a distance.
His focus has to be on HIM so he can maintain his sobriety.

Not a good idea, my friend. DDD

 

[KFld]

I don't want anyone of you to think I'm not responding because I'm ignoring what you think. I have kind of put these thoughts on the back burner for now anyway. When I put them back on the front burner I will go back and re read all of your advice before I make any decisions.

I cherish all your opinions. That is why I ask for them.

 

[Sunlight]

good, I too gather info and suggestions and then make a plan on my own given the insight I now have from advisors.

rest up Karen for the weekend!

 

[scent of cedar]

I say no, too.

If the financial situation has changed, then you will not be able to help difficult child with rent.

Period.

Our difficult child has never been able to stay away from drug use while living at home with us. Things would start out well, but we were all so committed to making it work for him that we did not want to see it when he started to slip.

And when we did see it, we just did not have the strength it takes to throw him out with nothing.

The best we could do was pay for an apartment and get him out of here and on his own.

And that was more for our sake than his.

I agree that living at home again sets up the old child/parent relationship. THIS MAKES US VULNERABLE INSTEAD OF STRONG.

And that is why I think difficult child should not live at home again.

He needs to know that you mean what you say. Your expectations and communications with him need to be crystal clear.

This is a vulnerable time for you. It will be so hard to be strong on every front with your husband chipping away at your sense of self and integrity.

They say everything works out for the best. Trust that there is some reason this whole thing has not worked out as you had hoped for difficult child.

I think it would be a really bad idea to bring difficult child back home so he can maintain his relationship with his girlfriend.

Barbara

 

[PonyGirl]

Chaulk up another "No" vote from me, Karen.

girlfriend has to move cuz her family is moving? How old is this girl? (eek?)

And, 1 hour away isn't insurmountable.

I understand you were going to help, but now you can't, and that's that.

My difficult child is doing great, too, and he & his girlfriend moved in together quicker than I would've liked, but they did it on their own. There's problems there now, but that's a different post. I wouldn't consider letting difficult child move home, regardless of paying rent or not. We just never could live together, and I don't think that's changed.

He would take the child role again, but moreover I would take the Co-Dependant Parent role again and that's just not something I'm interested in doing.

Hope things work out for the best.

Peace