Terror at home

[Getting happier]

difficult child just went crazy with rage at easy child while I was at work. She said he picked up the computer to throw at her, yelled at her and threw her cell phone and hit her foot. This was all because she told him to turn the heat down. He goes off on the smallest things, he has no insurance and I have no insurance on him, so I cannot get him counselling, not that he would go. She is sure that he would have killed her had she not gone to her room and shut the door. Odd behavior afterwards, he was on his knees on his bed, crying and then cleaned his room and left. ( He never cleans his room) I think it is due to drug use, but all I know he takes is alcohol and Blunts ( which i believe is marijuanna) . He has always had rage/ anger problems. I am exhausted and cannot get him to change/stop or whatever, so I am going to tell him to go back to Chicago, live with his mom ( bio mom was cocaine addict and he was in foster care since 1 yr of age) I got him at 4 1/2. There is no where else for him to go, unless his aunt will take him. He can work in chicago, he dropped out of highschool and has no ged, but until he turns his life around, stopped using, there really is no hope for any of that. We are the bottom of the barrel here , when it comes to life skills for him.

 

[dreamer]

I am a little confused. If he is acting strangely, and may be using, and might have some kind of diagnosis, why would you tell him to go back to bio mom who is a known user where he has not lived si nce very early childhood?
Maybe he could be gently pressured into going to a county mental health agency or facility to get counseling, an evaluation, rehab help or something? SInce your sig seems to say he is 18, if he has no insurance, he very likely could qualify at a county help agency.

 

[DammitJanet]

I understand exactly why she is doing this.

Dreamer you may not have kept up with GH's story about this boy but he has been pretty much out of control for quite awhile. She has tried to access all the help she could get for him and had him in group homes for the last several years...I believe he was in some sort of treatment facility recently where he simply walked away from and came home because he chose not to comply anymore because he was about to turn 18. Her hands are now tied.

Why should she allow an adult who has chosen not to avail himself of all the tools that were given to him and instead chose to continue to abuse substances and to run wild terrorize her family? I dont think she should. He is violent and could hurt someone. She doesnt have to live like that.

 

[dreamer]

My apologies to you Getting Happier, and thank you Dammit Janet. You are right.I did not know the history and I shouldn't have replied.

 

[everywoman]

GH---marijuana has the same effect on my difficult child. When he is using, or coming "down", he is irritable and hard to live with. When he's not, he's the sweetest kid in the world. I just can't live with the abuser----he has been gone since Friday and I'm praying he decides to stay wherever he is, because I can't handle having him back in my home.

 

[Mikey]

Getting Happier: Blunts are pot in cigar or cigarello wrappers. Users empty out the tobacco, and either stuff the shell with pot or mix the pot with the tobacco and then stuff it back in.

Just a thought: if bio mom was a cocaine addict, is it possible your difficult child has the same health problems that "crack babies" have? If so, it would help explain some of the behaviour you describe.

My experience with pot and stoners is that they usually don't have anger issues - sleeping, laughing hysterically at stupid things, and bouncing into walls, yes. Anger fits? I haven't seen that yet. Others here have told me that if you have certain disorders, drugs (legal or otherwise) can have the opposite effect than what you expect, which is what it sounds like with your son. Could you get him a thorough evaluation, even if it's against his will?

Also, while it may not be the best you can get, check with your local public health unit. There's probably some type of help they can get for him, even without insurance. NGOs also can direct you to places for help (Salvation Army, etc..).

Mikey

 

[hearthope]

GH ~ I don't know the whole story, but I will share mine.

Your difficult child sounds alot like mine (boy, are we special to have these guys or what?!?,lol)

The rehab mine was in put him on state medicaid, that is something you could check into.

As far as him living at home cause he didn't want to follow the rules in group home, tough! I wouldn't give him the option.

My strength came from my easy child (17) I got the phone call at work from her when difficult child was picking at her.

He was put in place, sadly I couldn't do this on my own, but the tears from easy child angered me to the point of no return with difficult child.

He has complied with every rule since then. He knows the second he causes chaos in the house he will be out on the streets.

I wish you strength...I wish you peace....I know every situation is different but you and easy child deserve happiness. He chooses to destroy and terrorize, let him do it in his own place.

He is an adult, remember that. You have done your job.

 

[hearthope]

Mikey snuck in while I was typing. Just wanted to add something.

My difficult child was not diagnosis'ed anything but adhd, which was later determined a misdx.

He has used pot, alcohol, and cocaine.

He had the same outburst and hateful actions to us. I say had because once his hand was finally called on what he was doing he stopped.

He has been through many programs, run away from his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) because he didn't like the rules, jailed to finish his ged, etc.

I think I exhausted every resource trying to find his problem, in the end I think he was drinking and using drugs and hid it from me and all the docs.

 

[Coookie]

GH,

Sending you hugs hon... :frown:

I understand what being at the end of the rope is like. Your difficult child is an adult, as mine is, and there comes a point when our survival is all that is left. It does not mean we have stopped loving them but it does mean that the time has come when they are not the #1 priority any longer. They can't be or we may very well possibly loose ourselves and our other loved ones.

While sending him back to his mom is a horrible option, if he is not willing to seek help, or make any changes..given your circumstances what is left for you to do?

My heart hurts for you...been there done that...STDT (still there doing that) but in my heart, and hopefully in yours, you know that you have done everything possible.

More hugs...

 

[Getting happier]

You guys are the greatest, I appreciate each and every one of your replies, I learn something from each of them , they make me think. The reason I told him to go live with his Mom, who I know is still using, is because I want him to hit bottom, to see the life of druggies and to turn around, now before he is too old. Granted , he may start using more potent drugs or become more addicted, but usually he and Mom get into big blow ups and he runs home, but this time, it is tough love, no taking him back, no help at all. Goal- hit bottom hard and hit bottom now.
If there were a safer choice I would suggest it, but he is 18 yr old, now an adult, but acts like a baby- takes no responsibility for actions and blames everyong. LIfe is rough in mom's environment- prostitution, no money, gangs. etc. He would surely see what drugs did to them. Thank you, Mickey for the explanation of blunts, I found a cigar little circular name tag, with all the tobacco spilled out on the table, so I know now that he put the marijuanna or whatever in the tobacco skin. I just want him to fall now, he is suspended from job for being late, has no car that works and if he goes to mom, in chicago, he can use public transportation and go back to old job until he gets a car, he can get to GED program in chicago with public transport, with me he needs car to get to work and GED program and hs none and I cannot loan him mine everyday.

 

[Getting happier]

PS- No need to apologize Dreamer, your suggestions are good, I am going to give him your suggestions as first option, I just do not think he will go for treatment at this time, he has not hit bottom and still thinks he can control things, but believe me, his life is out of control - going right down the tubes.

 

[Jen]

Well, you certainly have every right to react and do what you need to do, honestly I think it is a well thought out plan.

I am horrible at remebering everyones history here. Sounds like alot of ODD, and not nec. pot smoking talk going on here.

Good Luck,

Jen

 

[dreamer]

Thank you for not getting angry at me. I should not have replied since I did not know enough to do so. I wish you the best luck. (and your difficult child)

 

[SunnyFlorida]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Getting happier</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I know he takes is alcohol and Blunts ( which i believe is marijuanna) . </div></div>

GH...I've known you for many years. I don't think it's a good idea to let difficult child use alcohol and smoke blunts in your home or on your property. No matter how you look at it...it's condoning it.

difficult child's smoke blunts because the cigar wraps burn slower than the old fashioned "joints". Sometimes they dip it in honey too. The Teens/SA board has lots of references on their archives.

Pot smoking to a kiddo like your difficult child (as well as mine sorry to say) is not all fun and goofiness. It actually changes their personality. When they are coming down from use...they are just ugly.

I think sending your difficult child back to biomom is a good idea. You've done your job....let difficult child feel the experiences to which he so desires. Am I coldhearted for saying this? You've tried for many years now and nothing has changed why not try this?

 

[1905]

difficult child is so out of control that easy child is scared for her life. Really, easy child needs to be safe and protected from difficult child. We had the same issues(not exactly the same) with our difficult child. Things esculated. It was a bad scene. We had to keep him away from us. It sounds like you need to get him out of your house. It's a shame because he does sound like he needs help. Be strong, keep easy child safe. Sending support and hugs-Alyssa

 

[tpcmom]

Your son sounds just like my son. He is 21. I am trying so hard for him to get help. He just lost his health insurance because he turned 21. But he has a disability (his arm and leg both from terrible accidents) so the dr. signed off on form for termp disability. But I seriously think he could qualify for SSI, if he would just go and do it. He is terribly immature, cannot think on his own, cannot make decisions on his own, sometimes I think he is just down right dumb (sorry to say that about my own son) but I actually had to call the dr. once because he had no clue what they told him and she had to explain it to me so I could explain it to him. He is in a school program and got kicked out (he forget the took pocket knife off of younger brother who found it on street and he didn't want brother to get in trouble) he cried and cried. I felt bad, it wasn't his fault, I was there when all that happened and didn't think of telling take out of your pocket before going to school program. They are trying to find him another place for him to go, they let him go even after calling police, but they still did, that was a blessing he could have went to jail. But the school wants to help because they saw him trying. But then he goes off on tangents. It seems like no matter what he does, he gets slapped back five spaces, one step forward two steps backwards. But his anger is terrible and he needs help. I want him to start therapy when he gets this insurance back. He really needs help, and i know what you are going thru. How do you throw out your son with no job, no where to live, no education, etc. He has no where to go, besides me. But how much can one person take of anothers cruel behavior. I actually had police out many times and they told me I could not just kick him out. I would have to go to court, pay court fees, lose days and days of work, to get a stay away order and an eviction! Can you believe that one!!!

I wish I had words of wisdom, just don't, but wanted to let you know you are not alone.