Thanks to all of you who were so helpful this week.

[BusynMember]

Special thanks to Tanya, Cedar and Confused (my great little cyber-daughter...isn't she the best?)

Well, I was actually in a total state of shock that my siblings, both in their latter 50s, were reading my thoughts, laughing at my abusive life, and my sister was bragging about how she hasn't spoken to me almost for one whole year because I was "borderline." What she said didn't bother me. The fact that my two almost senior citizen siblings would spy on me, read it together and LAUGH about it gave me a real shock...I truly thought both were more mature than that and I had no idea, until then, how much I did not have a family of origin. That hurt. They think the very worst of me, as is the case with every scapegoat in every family. It's not borderline; it's the scapegoat syndrome, but no matter. After I looked up my unc's obit just to see if I was in it and kind of chuckled that I wasn't, thinks settled down for me. I found a great new psycholgist...a PhD, not just some talker with a four year degree.He understands family roles and does some dialectal behavioral therapy, which I am very responsive to. It's like cognitive, but it's better, in my opinion. So I admit I have no family of origin. My father, whom seems to get it then doesn't, is in a tough spot as we are all his kids and frankly he is too elderly for me to judge too harshly. I talked to my husband about my father, whom is the only person I do feel connected to and whom I know loves me. We decided because talking to him does remind me of my sister and brother, my dad and I would talk shortly once a week or so and never bring up sis and bro again. This is for my own protection. I can't go back to thinking about the two ex-sibs and sadly our connection to them reminds me of them. It is shock and awe to me to learn that my sibs actually did not witness the abuse, but of course they didn't. Mom was sneaky and of course most of it did not happen in front of them and she told a good story to make herself look like the victim. And nobody asked for my side of the story so they heard it, whatever it was, only from her (shrug).

I am not perfect, but I am in shock to realize that they are even worse. I'm especially sorry that it took me so many years to realize what my sister really is on the inside. She is very different on the outside. Sort of like an Oreo cookie.

So this is what you guys taught me and I thank you. Maybe you didn't mean to teach me these things, but you did.

1/It is what it is. That is something my father likes to ssay and it's true. You can not, no matter how much you try and are a good person, ever talk somebody else out of what they think you are so you accept it, turn your back on it, and move on. It doesn't hurt forever. If it is your family only that says these things about you, then you know it's them, not you. In fact, now that I think about it, Sis says horrible things about her own friends and boyfriend makes fun of them, and if they knew how she talked behind their backs,, she wouldn't have any friends. She is just good at faking it then laughing at them. It is her nature. So why was I surprised she did this to me? She also diagnosed many of her "friends" as borderline too.

Lesson learned: She talks about everyone this way at some point in time. Forget it. Forget her. Move on.

Another lesson learned: Brother has issues of his own, is not in this state, and has been in therapy for a long time. He was my mother's Golden Child and she is his Golden Mama. So be it. He is not somebody I give much thought to. I'm just shocked that, with his job and intelligence, he is immature enough to read my thoughts and laugh with Sis over them. Other than that, he has not been in my life for decades.

Lesson learned: Your family is the one YOU made. A family can be big or only two loving people, a great couple. My family, my real family, is my husband and kids and one very special friend who always turns on my lights when they are off. And, of course, the pets!

I am really the lucky one and my husband gets so puzzled when I get upset over ex-family of origin. He would have walked away without regret years ago if his family had been like mine. I wish I had been like him. It helps to be validated. He knows most of my family, brother excluded. He constantly hugs me and reminds me that they are not worth my time.

At any rate, longwinded thank you as you all helped get me through the shock of realizing how immature and, yes, crazy the ex's are. I doubt they read this anymore. I think it embarassed Sis that I found out she was stalking me. If they do read it, let them. Why should I care? They are in the category of strangers to me and I have never much cared what strangers think of me.

Thank you again. I'm almost back to normal now, whatever THAT is . To me it actually means I have my serenity back, feel good about my world, my loved ones and life is good.

 

[Copabanana]

I am new on the site, but you were the first person to give me feedback and friendship. Thank you. I do not yet understand why the traffic on the site drops off in the early evening. So, it's only me, right now, and despite my inexperience and the fact you do not know me, I wanted to reach out to you. I read and reread your posts to try to learn from your honesty, experience, strength, generosity and insight. Small or weak people denigrate what they do not understand and fear, and most notably, envy. I want to tell you how much much your wisdom and courage touch me. You go girl.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I do not yet understand why the traffic on the site drops off in the early evening CA time

Multiple reasons... generally, not as many of us on western third of this continent (including Canada here). Depending on the ages of our kids, we may be tied up in the evening. Some people are on the board from work and not from home. We really are an erratic lot around here! but sooner or later, "somebody" is around.

I try to check in before I go to bed, for example. And yes, it's LATE. Such is life, at least for me. A few years back we had some older members who couldn't sleep well at night and would come on the board in the middle of the night. You never know who might be responding after you sign out...

 

[BusynMember]

Thanks!!!
The drop off is on and off. I'm in the Midwest. Sometimes people have more to say than others.
I kind of use Watercooler as a blog about my role as family scapegoat and it helps me even if nobody reads it.
I kind of have to accept that my DNA collection is no more related to me than my neighbors who I barely see. And it's been a long trek. I'm just glad I was not cruel to my kids, like my mom and her minions were to me. At least I learned.

Thanks again Have a good night.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Morning, everyone.

:O)

I am on the East coast. It's 6:30 here, now.

SWOT, you already know this. You were the one who told me. But it is so hard to see it, when we are the ones being victimized.

Of course your sister would unite with whatever factions she could to condemn you. There needs to be a faction because two people lying is more believable than one person lying. Your sister is dumping the family pathology on you, and she is not about to let you go.

Classic.

Your sister is gaslighting you on what she did or did not see, on what she does or does not remember, about your upbringing.

Of course she is, SWOT!

That is what she does. That is what she has always done. You are stronger now, so she is trying harder to destroy you.

I am so sorry, but you are never going to have the family you hoped for and believed in any more than I will. It is sad, but toxic is toxic. It isn't going to change because the most ill members do not want it to change. They want it to reflect their reality. That is why our families work like they do in the first place. That is why holidays can be so weird. All those old roles being played, when they have nothing at all to do with today.

Nothing to do with you.

Abusers abuse because they abuse.

It's not even anything personal.

She is making crazy, instead of making loving secure family, because that is how she needs it to be.

You cannot change this. Only if you were willing to find evidence and tear her apart the way she claims to have evidence and has zero compassion about tearing you apart.

There is the truth right there, SWOT.

She WANTS to hurt you. She wants you groveling and destroyed and ashamed.

That is what makes her happy. You will never understand because that is not something that would validate you or make you happy.

Seeing someone hurt would make you want to help the other person.

That is the basic difference, and you will never get it because you are not a sociopath.

As you got healthier and healthier, your behavior toward your sister changed. Maybe the shift was subtle...or maybe, the changes in you felt like a volcano had blown, to her. I get the feeling your sister was used to you chasing her down to find out what was wrong, was she alright, were the two of you still okay together. When that stopped, and when you stopped being afraid of her and then, stopped being afraid of being without her and even, stopped thinking about her so much at all, it shook her world.

She is trying to rebalance her world by forcing you to accept her version of reality.

Classic Gaslighting.

And it is working. She is hurting you, making you doubt yourself and your truth as she has done all of your life. That is why whatever tactics she is using work for her. You have been trained to respond to whatever it is she is doing just as you are and she knows that.

Whatever she does will hurt you because whatever she chooses to do is designed to hurt and confuse and pull out all the strength that holds you together, now.

Shame on her.

But you are no longer alone with it. You have witnesses now, and people who will come to your defense. There was nothing more you ever needed, to stand up to them and their insistence on a skewed and cruel version of reality, but good witness.

That is what they say, you know: Right needs no defense, just good witness.

I am working today, so I need to go.

Stay well and strong. You are doing just fine. Everything you grow through puts you further from that place where any effort she makes to destroy you can even touch you.

Soon enough, you will be well enough that you may even feel pity for her.

Then, compassion.

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

Cedar, I have to work today too. I am answering so that you can see this when you get home.

There are reasons Sis started this. I was really battling my mood disorder in my early years and not on the right medications, which made me vulnerable and, being the shallow person she is, she did not recognize mental illness. But she has a long, long history of overreacting to anyone who she disagrees with or doesn't like to look at and also a history of cutting people up behind their backs. Not that I never did it. But with her, these are her friends who embraced her later in life and helped her when she needed it. They made some dumb romantic choices. BUT SO DID SHE. She is attracted to drama queens and therefore is still steeped in every day drama. I used to do that too, but, being more introverted, was never as quick to throw my lot in with a group of people. I had two extremely close, solid friendships until one of them died and I moved so far from the other, but, as she says, nothing will ever break our bond. She is my go-to person and I am hers when things are either very good or very rough. She is an amazing person whom I met when Bart was maybe two and she was pregnant with her second child and the incredible instant bond between us is never broken. I miss my deceased "sister" very much...the woman who passed away too young and whom did call us sisters. In all our years together, we never had a fight. We'd always gently agree to disagree. This is the same with my other friend who is still on earth with me.

The last time my sister and I spoke, I told her flat out that if she hungup or went no contact again, that was it. I had changed A LOT. I was and still am A LOT stronger. I have old texts of us that last day where I was bringing up the unspoken, family secrets. She always said nobody validated her, which is ironic. I dared to bring up my one issue that I had kept to myself for years and if I want to, I can still read it. I told her that, although she and my brother, had not had to at least say to my mother, "You know, Pam is nice. Stop talking that way about her. I don't want to hear it"...that it bothered me that they hadn't. I WOULD HAVE DONE IT FOR THEM! There is no way I'd listen to that crapola about either of them without at least speaking my mind. I know myself and I know I would have told her to be nicer to them or to go fly a kite. That's how I am and how I get. I try to be everyone's hero and that kind of crapola would not have flown with me. I dearly loved them both, and nobody, not even my mother, was going to treat them the way she treated me without my two cents. I told her she had not had to do it...I know that. I told her that, however, because she hadn't, it had kind of bothered me all my life. And the truth was finally out. I said it. I dared. They can't gaslight me. I kept the texts. I don't read them often, but I do when I need reminding.

After that, her texts got more irrational and she kept trying to bait me. She called me borderline (gets old as I write it). She brought up my overinvolvement with Jumper and her first boyfriend J. and I wrote back "Yes, that was quite a mess." Whatever she texted me, I would not get angry. I did not attack her. She got angrier and angrier and tried and tried to bait me, but she couldn't. In the end, I finally said I think we need a few days rest from each other and she said "It will be longer for me."

Of course it would. It would be forever.

You were right about my sister. I am much healthier now and saw things more clearly. I had looked up to my sister most of my life. I thought she as the stable one out of the three of us. But since the divorce I got to know the real her a lot better. The woman who cheated with a married man with not a caring thought of his wife and young child, who justified it because it benefitted HER. After all, he was younger and complimented her looks (she is very pretty and VAIN) and he showed her how to have GOOD sex. And, although she claimed they were not romantically involved, she cried over the phone to me a few times when he had not called her. That was a real wake up call. I even then tried to support her, although I also tried to tell her this was not good for her, but it lowered my opinion of her. Then she hooked up with Abuse Me Boy and I really had to give it a hard thought...would a healthy, sane person allow themselves to be abused and mistreated so badly? For four years? And cry over him? And never cut HIM off for reasons she has never explained. He was downright mean to her. Almost all the time. A healthy person would not be with him for FIVE YEARS. Then there were other little things like she lives with her ex for monetary reasons and he was the one who was always with her son because she was always with her lover. The disintegration of how stable I thought she was, kept tumbling down. And I had to admit to myself that she still had eating issues big time. I started seeing her as not very compassionate and as a weak, needy person who would even put up with AbuseMeBoy in order to not be alone. One who still lived with her ex (and claimed that it was the new thing...people lived with their ex's for financial reasons). Uh...okie.

That made me question her opinion of me or anybody.

She can be very charming and manipulative and can suck back even people she hurt terribly, such as brother who was not allowed at her wedding. She is fast at coming up with excuses that sound good. I was never a good faker, but she knows how. I mean, how many times had she done it to me?

So, yes, I was healthy when this happened...or pretty dang close to it. And I still am. I know now. And it is a grieving process. The sister I thought I had...the one who was cool and pretty and had friends and had survived our crazy family...had never been a real sister and isn't even a real friend. God help me, she has made fun of all of her friends. But she is good at smiling at them to their faces. Is that a friend I'd want? NO!!!!! As for my brother, as the Golden Child who lived on the east coast for years, he got out early and had little knowledge of anything that really went on except what he was told. I think he tries to be a good person, and I believe he thinks Sis is right because he doesn't know any better. He wasn't there. He doesn't know how she REALLY felt about him...and it is predictable that she would sweet talk him now that I am gone. She needs somebody to talk to who will listen to her crapola. That's another way we are different. I would rather give that crapola to the therapists or to people who don't know me, like here.

So, yes, as I got healthy she didn't like it. Our roles were changing. I felt like the strong one. I had t he loving family and lived in peace while she was a mess. I *felt* the roles changing. I even got tired of listening to her talk about Abusive Boyfriend because I knew he'd keep hurting her, maybe even physically, and it scared me and I just couldn't listen anymore so I set a boundary which s he would not accept. She called it controlling. All boundaries are controlling. They are for us, not for the other person.

I don't miss her, the real her. I am grieving that the sister and even the brother I thought I had are nothing but two sad adults reading my stuff and laughing about it and, like my husband said, "Don't they have a life?" I knew where my sister posted. I just never went there until that day when I felt so compelled to do it, and I have not been back. I am actually very busy and have no time for that, plus it is so childish. Of coruse her life, even with the same people, was different from mine. I don't need to read about it. That's just how life is. I don't know about her interactions with the rest of the family, except they all put on their "we're all ok" smiles and made nice.

Grieving does have a limit and goes away and so shall this. I so wanted sis to be the strong one and brother to be the logical, smart, level-headed one. Both are still children, my sister more than my brother. I really do feel he is basically a good guy, wit issues, who just got sucked into the hurricane that is my sister. And, boy, is she good at sucking people in.

Thank you again, Cedar. I hope you had a good work day. I have to hit the grind myself in a few Much love and caring to you for your kindness.

 

[Lil]

Lesson learned: Your family is the one YOU made. A family can be big or only two loving people, a great couple. My family, my real family, is my husband and kids and one very special friend who always turns on my lights when they are off. And, of course, the pets!

I know I am no help with these issues as they're just so far from my experiences...but don't forget you also have family HERE!

 

[BusynMember]

I feel very safe writing here. Lil, most people can not relate and I'm glad. Anyhow, things are on the way up.

 

[Confused]

I hope your feeling and doing better cyber mom I will always do my best to help ! Your welcome

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I was really battling my mood disorder in my early years and not on the right medications, which made me vulnerable

As always, I can be ten thousand kinds of wrong about this. Abused children develop maladaptive coping patterns. They have to. Normal responses do not operate the same way in dysfunctional families. There is no trust. There is no respect, no essential respect for the wonder of individual persons supporting one another in face of the tragic or joyful things that happen to each of us in our lifetimes. Everything about the dysfunctional family serves the dysfunction, not the individuals in the family.

There was no strength, SWOT, for either of us, growing up. We believed their truths about who we were, about where we were weak or ineffectual, because that is what the most dysfunctional member required us to believe for the dysfunctional reality to hold water.

I think you were never physiologically, irredeemably mood disordered. I think you were tortured, and developed coping responses and fought depression and got all messed up (I did too) just like a beautiful animal from the depths of the jungle turns neurotic in a cage in a zoo where nothing she needs to survive is provided but water and the most meager and inappropriate food. And strangers, strange beings with no compassion, come and stare at her, there in her cage, while she is dying.

But all we ever had to do was walk out of that cage.

The trick is in believing in ourselves enough to push against the door. And then, head for the jungle instead of returning to the cage especially now that we know it cannot hold us and never could.

But she has a long, long history of overreacting to anyone who she disagrees with or doesn't like to look at and also a history of cutting people up behind their backs.

Now, how could I know this would be true of your sister? Of course she overreacts. Someone had to react loudly to keep the dysfunction alive. She is, like my sister is too, as tied in to that cage in the zoo as I am and as you are.

Sorry for the italics.

The site is doing that.

The thing about gossip is that it tells us more about the weakness of the gossiping person than it does about the person being gossiped about. My sister can be so mean I can hardly believe it.

Here is the dysfunction.

Watch for it.

So...I don't believe it.

Blind as a bat to the dysfunction because I am so afraid to be a hater, like mom, that I refuse to see places where I need to stand up, open the cage, and head for the wildest jungle because it is actually safer than that place where strangers stare into my eyes while I suffer for their sakes, and for my own, while the dysfunction gets stronger.

"Cedar, please pass the butcher knife. Your father has his back turned. Thank you." Or Cedar's response: "But I thought you were going to gut my father?"

"I decided to turn the knife on you, Cedar. Now, clean up those intestines and other internal organs. What a disgusting mess was inside you, Cedar. Your father and I are going to dinner."

That is dysfunctional family dynamics.

That we can function at all is triumphant testament to our innate strength.

In all our years together, we never had a fight. We'd always gently agree to disagree. This is the same with my other friend who is still on earth with me.

I am so glad you have this in your life, SWOT.

I kept the texts.

That is the one thing we haven't had in our lives. Validation.

Now, we do.

I kept the texts from my sister, too. I reread them when I begin, based on the outcome, to doubt that I saw what I saw or heard what I heard.

This has been an amazing tool.

Here again, in dysfunctional relationships, the part of us that disbelieves ugliness in our people backfires on us without validation. We come to believe we were wrong because that is what they tell us. They are practiced in tailoring their relationships ~ not only to us, but to everyone in their lives ~ to reflect the world as they need it to be. I think it takes more courage than we have to see our part in things. Where those built like you and like me automatically take responsibility for and try to fix things, our counterparts in dysfunction automatically blame someone ~ anyone ~ else. Both are functioning from the hurt of the abuse they have sustained.

Two sides of the same battered coin.

I WOULD HAVE DONE IT FOR THEM!

That was the implosion point for my sister and my mother, too.

It makes sense that this would be so. That is the heart of the dysfunction.

I dearly loved them both, and nobody, not even my mother, was going to treat them the way she treated me

Yes.

I don't read them often, but I do when I need reminding.

Not much of a tool, but enough for us to take wing and fly right the heck out of that cage.

That is all we ever needed. To see a different truth, and to know enough about how we all had been hurt to believe it.

After that, her texts got more irrational and she kept trying to bait me. She called me borderline (gets old as I write it). She brought up my overinvolvement with Jumper and her first boyfriend J. and I wrote back "Yes, that was quite a mess." Whatever she texted me, I would not get angry. I did not attack her. She got angrier and angrier and tried and tried to bait me, but she couldn't. In the end, I finally said I think we need a few days rest from each other and she said "It will be longer for me."

I am glad you can see it, now.

You behaved with integrity and courage.

It takes guts to defy everything we have been taught was true about ourselves.

Good job.

I hope to have that kind of courage, too. And we do, and it doesn't feel like courage at all, once we see what we see.

I started seeing her as not very compassionate and as a weak, needy person

We have all been marked by what happened to us. Soon after we see through it, there is compassion. But we have to see it, first. That is hard for us. We have blinded ourselves to so much that was real. We are the caretakers.

That is what we do.

We need to learn to say to everyone: I believe in you. You can do this. You are strong enough. See you on the other side of all this. Know that I love you, fiercely.

:O)

Cedar

Going to post a new post. These italics are cramping my style.

.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I was never a good faker, but she knows how.

Ha! Me, either. Unless I have lied to myself so well I cannot see a different truth, I am such a bad liar!!! Not that I haven't tried. But I trip all over myself and feel so rotten and cheap when I lie knowingly. My sister, on the other hand, has actually earned money on an airplane because she was unmarried and pregnant.

I have posted about that, before.

We all need to do what we do to survive. We cannot be where we are not, yet.

But there is that difference, between my sister and me. She doesn't mind targeting and attacking to...I'm not sure what. It could be that she really needed that money. But on that same trip, she bought herself the most beautiful, so expensive dress to wear to dinner with me and our mutual mother. While at dinner, she flirted outrageously with an attractive man at the next table.

When I asked about the dress, all she said was, "I deserve it."

The dress seemed like a thing that would wear out and be worthless to me. Not worth compromising a value for. But I am very sure I would compromise every value I hold too, if the right set of circumstances presented themselves.

I am very sure this is true.

So, hard to know how to think about these kinds of things.

Some of us create our own luck. I think that might be how my sister sees things.

And I still am. I know now. And it is a grieving process. The sister I thought I had...the one who was cool and pretty and had friends and had survived our crazy family...had never been a real sister and isn't even a real friend.

Yes.

We learned that same lesson about grieving the things we never really had with our kids, remember?

Maybe that is why this extended family part is easier to unravel.

We have already had to face so many truths about ourselves, and about our own children. This stuff about unraveling the harm done in our families of origin is a thin echo, a kind of grieving something that never was, compared to that.

Still, it has to be done, if our intention is to reclaim ourselves.

I am glad you are here to do that with me.

:O)

he needs somebody to talk to who will listen to her crapola. That's another way we are different. I would rather give that crapola to the therapists or to people who don't know me, like here.

Ha! You are so funny. "I would rather give that crapola to the therapists or to people who don't know me, like here."






Here is the thing I think I see in my sister's and my brother's (currently non-existent) relationship to one another.

1) Initially, my sister would approach family members through me. She would encourage me to do whatever it is she was doing (i.e. the pact). I would always think that was a great idea, because it seemed to me that if we all kept trying to fix it hard enough, it would get fixed. The thing I never understood was that people who are healthier than me see right through my sister. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing to see through. She was fine just the way she was, and it was my job to protect her, and to help her if I could because I was the oldest.

I am two years and six months older.

When we were little, and when I could not protect her or anyone else, that was alot. It still makes me sick to think about those times. Interestingly enough, I am deeply, almost insanely, angry about what was done to all of us, now.

It probably isn't really insane. I am new to acknowledging anger, it's validity, or my right to it.

So, I lost track of that thought for a minute, there. The thing is, my sister used me to establish the legitimacy of her actions once she had been seen through by her victims, or once the victims stopped opening themselves to her victimization.

That is what is called being labeled "the romantic one".

2) Your brother, like mine, seems to have been the outsider in the dynamic between the mother, the grandmother, and the sisters. In my case, there was such horrifying and intentional and repetitive abuse of her sons, and even of a male dog we had, by my mother.

I don't even know what to think about the feelings I am allowing to come right to life about my poor old mother. Who is too old to defend herself, now. Shame on me.

But she is still just as mean as a snake.

Oh for heaven's sake. Where was I going with this.

Okay. Your brother is as tender inside as every human. (And animal, in my opinion.) He longs for love and acceptance and validation, too. Your sister, like mine does too, is targeting him for an ally.

He has no personal value to her.

In dysfunctional families, there is pain and really, tragic loss, all around us.

My last words to my brother were that I loved him, and that he would always have access to me.

That is all I can do.

Tell him in advance that I will not reject him.

Love ~ that word means so strange a toxic concoction in my family of origin.

I am not being very clear in my writing to you about this. Too close to home. I have concluded that the right thing for me is to stand ready if he should contact me.

And to remember that I want to know him, want to learn him and enjoy a brother. That is a rare thing. We are fortunate if we have a brother in our lives.

She called it controlling. All boundaries are controlling. They are for us, not for the other person.

She used the word that would hurt you, that would break and weaken you.

Like mine, your family of origin plays an exquisitely balanced game.

I am grieving that the sister and even the brother I thought I had are nothing but two sad adults reading my stuff and laughing about it

I think your brother is not laughing his own laughter.

I think the most loving thing you could do for this brother is to continue posting your truth as you uncover it. That, and to hold an intention that you will allow him access to you at any time he decides to verify what is happening to him regarding his past.

That is how we came real too, SWOT.

We had one another to validate sanity while we explored the insanity that was our truth.

We made it.

So will he.

When he does, he will want to see you. But what is gone is gone, and cannot be replaced. Maybe, we could begin with our brothers from whatever point in the future they risk pushing against the cage door.

They were not the Golden Child, SWOT. They were the Prince, dethroned for the sake of the dysfunction.

In our families of origin, everything serviced dysfunction.

When I think how much it cost all of us, for so paltry a reward, I am sickened.

Of coruse her life, even with the same people, was different from mine.

No.

I think that is a gaslighting lie your sister is telling you. And anyone else who will listen. Dysfunction is a serious thing. She may never break through. We need to thank our lucky stars, SWOT, that we did break through.

And lived to tell the tale.

It has been very hard.

We have both been determined, and very brave.

Remember how shaming it was to confess to these things, even here, in the beginning. But we did it.

How extraordinary.

I really do feel he is basically a good guy, wit issues, who just got sucked into the hurricane that is my sister. And, boy, is she good at sucking people in.

Yes.

But is she that good...or is the dysfunction that toxic. I see my sister wearing people out. I know she tapes all her phone conversations. I never knew why. But that is a mark of illness and paranoia. Texts (or posts here) are a different thing. They are already recorded, and not for nefarious purposes, and not by us because we don't trust the person we are interacting with.

it just so happened that there they were, and they saved our emotional lives.

When the bad thing happened, we just went back to check our own words ~ not to find the words that would condemn or weaken the other guy.

Intrinsic difference, maybe...I don't know so much about that. Only that I did go back to the conversations and there it was, plain as day, just as I'd remembered it.

So it was real, then.

And because I had proof of what reality was, I did not get sicker.

It did not make me well, but I did not get sicker.

And then, one day or another, I did get well.

And so did you.

We are just clarifying what wellness looks like, because we have never been well before. We have always looked to someone else to know whether all was well, or whether there was a fire we needed to put out or someone to give CPR to or whatever.

Wishing you (and everyone in your family) well and happy, SWOT. When one of us breaks free of it, the dysfunction loses its hold on the others.

Unless they insist on the dysfunction.

And that is on them, and has nothing to do with us.

Cedar

 

[Tanya M]

How wonderful that you have some peace and serenity about all of what's been going on.

It's really very sad that they choose to live in such denial. I would speculate that your sister is jealous of you because you managed to move on and thrive, something that she has yet to do.

I thinks it's a wise choice you have made to speak with your father for a limited amount of time and to not discuss your siblings.

It's sad and in the end, it's their loss, they are missing out on having an amazing person in their life.

 

[BusynMember]

Tanya, I am usually serene and peaceful. This comes up once in a while when I have a lightbulb moment...this time the fact is, I was never included as one of the family. Sibs went to see unc without me and went with Mom and they did everything without me. Course half the time Sis was on one of her cut offs. Truth is, I do not miss that me and my family were not invited to see self-loving uncle in Indiana (a wonderful vacation spot...haha), but it's the thought that I was never even asked. Still...he is one of the most selfish people I knew, even in my DNA collection...the cheating on his girlfriends and laughing about it, the treating his ex wife like she was garbage, the using my sons until he was with another woman and then ignoring the boys...blah. And, of course, the family thought it was fine that he did that to two young boys because he was another Golden Child.

I was never one of them \and, after seeing this latest, I had to accept it. They are plain cruel, and sister has been so cruel to brother (if he only knew), but you know what? It's not fair, but life ain't fair. I don't want to be a part of them. But I'm human. It is still there bothering me sometimes. It won't go away right off the bat. No lightbuilb moment ever does. It's a learning experience, not always easy to digest. For all I know they are still laughing and reading, but, as I said above, they are really no more important to me than strangers anymore...so they can read and laugh, just as anyone here can. It's an open site, although I ever dreamed either of them would be bored enough to read my thoughts.Well, whether they want to believe what I went through or not, now they know how I feel. And it's done. Time to let them think what they want because they will. Doesn't make them right.

I'm better a lot though. Today was a great day in the 70's, day off, rode bike, ran, and saw Sonic bowl and he did great. I was yelling so loud. Then I came home to husband's hus and Skyped with the baby and talked to Bart. Now I'm going out for another run. It's too nice to waste the evening. During these times, I feel my normal peaceful self. Because, really, no actual drama is going on excpt in my head. They can't hurt me any more. They already did their worst so it is over. In time, this will fade away. Everything else isin my life is so good. This is It's just a matter of grieving and acceptance. Then you lean into your real family and enjoy them

Thanks for your support. You rock