I cried tonight, just a little, but for me that’s a big thing. I think it’s good when you can cry. I learned from a very young age that “big girls don’t cry”. On fakebook there were two guys singing on their headsets, it was “The Dance” by Garth Brooks.
“And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king”
The song is about a romance but when I heard the words “Holding you I held everything” I had a flashback to when my son was a colicky infant and all of those nights walking and dancing around feeling half dead with him in my arms because as soon as I sat down he would start to cry. I remember being so exhausted but saying to myself (because my friend’s mom had told me) that these times were going to pass fast and I would remember them with fondness one day. And then that led to other memories, the loving, funny, nice memories.
I was a good mother, I know I was. I was so invested in my son, and paid attention to walking that line from being too much in his life and letting him bloom the way he needed and wanted to. I loved him so much, with all of his quirks and emotions. I tried to guide him into adulthood, I did the best I could. I can’t think of anything I could have done differently other than to have gotten him someone like a mentor, a good male influence in his life.
I’m holding steady, not rescuing him. Only responding to his emails by telling him to get an antipsychotic added to his medication, take the medication, and stop the drinking and drugging.
Today he ripped me a new one, again, with a string of vitriol I would never have even expected to see in writing from him. Two of his rapid fire emails were:
“Oh and by the way, kicking me out in the street to freeze and starve, dragging me through the dirt in court, effective court ordering contact be limited to
ING EMAIL, and perpetually gossiping about me like a bored hormonal 14-year-old cross-bread with an absentee mother IS EFFECTIVELY DISOWNING ME, no matter how much wannabe psychologist rhetoric you use as a conversation piece. Get real already D{my name}. I'm literally rolling my eyes.”
“As far as anyone who you pow-wow with and talk all this about me, maybe they'll keep you company when your health inevitably deteriorates and I'm off living my life with plenty more laps left in my race on this world. You don't concern me, D{my name}, you're only hurting yourself at this point.“
He is delusional. He worked very hard to get himself removed from my house. And I made arrangements for him to not be “in the street to freeze and starve” so he would have the opportunity to go to the hospital to get help, which he did, for much too short of a time. During this email exchange I got eight emails trashing me where I responded twice telling him he needed medical help and other people are concerned for him. He is falling apart more and more from the reports from people who are coming to me to tell me, concerned people, not people gossiping about him.
Treatment for mental health in the US has progressed with better medications and better knowledge of psychological treatments. But we have taken a step back into the Stone Age with the closing of the mental health facilities and screwed up laws that even if you can get someone admitted against their will it’s for 3 days at most. Medications for mental illness are still a crapshoot, time is needed to see if the medication(s) are right. And all of the information for these medications warn people to watch for side effects worse than the illness itself. Also in a lot of cases the medication takes up to a month to tell if it’s even effective. So why the hell does a maximum 3 day hold make anying sense, sorry for censure, I figure it’s there, couldn’t help it. Unless someone is aware of the subtleties of their illness or is suffering more than the people around them they are not going to seek help. If they are delusional it takes getting to the point where they are totally psychotic and drooling on themselves to force help on them. Otherwise they are considered okay, as long as they say they so. We have a homeless crises in the US (since the mental hospitals closed in the freaking 1980’s) we’ve had an opioid crises in the US for years now, and our most recent crises is the mass shootings of people. My contention is that these thing things have everything to do with the lack of mental health for people who need it and don’t know it.
Even with the right medication my son would have his challenges. He’d be self-centered, pretty much like his dad, but he would have a conscience. He is scattered, maybe to the point where he won’t be able to hold down a fulltime job, but he can function to an extent. Right now, with the lack of medication, and who knows what with drinking and drugging he’s lucky he has a roof over his head, for now.
“And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king”
The song is about a romance but when I heard the words “Holding you I held everything” I had a flashback to when my son was a colicky infant and all of those nights walking and dancing around feeling half dead with him in my arms because as soon as I sat down he would start to cry. I remember being so exhausted but saying to myself (because my friend’s mom had told me) that these times were going to pass fast and I would remember them with fondness one day. And then that led to other memories, the loving, funny, nice memories.
I was a good mother, I know I was. I was so invested in my son, and paid attention to walking that line from being too much in his life and letting him bloom the way he needed and wanted to. I loved him so much, with all of his quirks and emotions. I tried to guide him into adulthood, I did the best I could. I can’t think of anything I could have done differently other than to have gotten him someone like a mentor, a good male influence in his life.
I’m holding steady, not rescuing him. Only responding to his emails by telling him to get an antipsychotic added to his medication, take the medication, and stop the drinking and drugging.
Today he ripped me a new one, again, with a string of vitriol I would never have even expected to see in writing from him. Two of his rapid fire emails were:
“Oh and by the way, kicking me out in the street to freeze and starve, dragging me through the dirt in court, effective court ordering contact be limited to
ING EMAIL, and perpetually gossiping about me like a bored hormonal 14-year-old cross-bread with an absentee mother IS EFFECTIVELY DISOWNING ME, no matter how much wannabe psychologist rhetoric you use as a conversation piece. Get real already D{my name}. I'm literally rolling my eyes.”“As far as anyone who you pow-wow with and talk all this
about me, maybe they'll keep you company when your health inevitably deteriorates and I'm off living my life with plenty more laps left in my race on this world. You don't concern me, D{my name}, you're only hurting yourself at this point.“He is delusional. He worked very hard to get himself removed from my house. And I made arrangements for him to not be “in the street to freeze and starve” so he would have the opportunity to go to the hospital to get help, which he did, for much too short of a time. During this email exchange I got eight emails trashing me where I responded twice telling him he needed medical help and other people are concerned for him. He is falling apart more and more from the reports from people who are coming to me to tell me, concerned people, not people gossiping about him.
Treatment for mental health in the US has progressed with better medications and better knowledge of psychological treatments. But we have taken a step back into the Stone Age with the closing of the mental health facilities and screwed up laws that even if you can get someone admitted against their will it’s for 3 days at most. Medications for mental illness are still a crapshoot, time is needed to see if the medication(s) are right. And all of the information for these medications warn people to watch for side effects worse than the illness itself. Also in a lot of cases the medication takes up to a month to tell if it’s even effective. So why the hell does a maximum 3 day hold make any
ing sense, sorry for censure, I figure it’s there, couldn’t help it. Unless someone is aware of the subtleties of their illness or is suffering more than the people around them they are not going to seek help. If they are delusional it takes getting to the point where they are totally psychotic and drooling on themselves to force help on them. Otherwise they are considered okay, as long as they say they so. We have a homeless crises in the US (since the mental hospitals closed in the freaking 1980’s) we’ve had an opioid crises in the US for years now, and our most recent crises is the mass shootings of people. My contention is that these thing things have everything to do with the lack of mental health for people who need it and don’t know it. Even with the right medication my son would have his challenges. He’d be self-centered, pretty much like his dad, but he would have a conscience. He is scattered, maybe to the point where he won’t be able to hold down a fulltime job, but he can function to an extent. Right now, with the lack of medication, and who knows what with drinking and drugging he’s lucky he has a roof over his head, for now.
