The Response to the Girls Emails

[Hound dog]

I can't quote them here as the girls didn't give me copies yet. I'll do that later.

However, stepgfg did respond. She told the girls she understood how they felt and that she was sorry. She swears she doesn't want anything from them or us. Stepgfg says she understands that it will take time and effort to rebuild their relationships. She mentioned the "brain condition" and incinuated that it is terminal and she wants the kids to have not just her but their whole family. We still haven't gotten the actual name of this condition. Since Nichole pinned her down about her bio Mom and the fact she had ignored all previous inquiries about her, she stated that she does not have a relationship with bio Mom except I believe to let her visit with the kids on occasion. Stepgfg swears she has never used drugs, no have drugs ever been around any of the kids. And she swears she is a good mother.

easy child called me from work after stepgfg responded. She said stepgfg was defensive. I told her it was understandable as Nichole had sent off a much harsher version of her own email to stepgfg. (easy child hadn't known about that) So getting 2 of those at once would make anyone feel defensive.

If stepgfg maintains contact, easy child plans to ask her if we can come out for a visit. This sort of stunned me. But easy child said that everyone wants to see them, and it will settle once and for all whether or not she has custody. In easy child's eyes win/win. I reminded her that my Mom tried this back before stepgfg came to live with us when she was living in a homeless shelter. Stepgfg knew Mom and Travis were coming. (they were bringing presents for the Kayla) They skipped out of the shelter the day before. So we'll see.

Not counting any chickens yet, and neither are the girls.

That so called "brain condition" has me thinking hard and going over memories. Of course I don't know if it is true. Stepgfg could be making it up. But she displayed so many odd and out of character behaviors while she was with us that never made sense even if she was using drugs. At the time I was worried about serious mental illness because we had no real reason to think neurological. Her migraines had been blamed on a car accident.

If it is real, I would like, actually need, to know what it is. We have Travis who keep deteriorating neurologically and no reason, other than the polycythemia has ever been found. Odd that she would be having the same issues.

Hopefully later I can post her responses and you can help me decide if you think we're dealing with someone who is being sincere.

 

[witzend]

How difficult for everyone in your family, Lisa. I agree that no one should get their hopes up that she will be there if they visit, let alone that she will be what it is that she represents herself to be.

 

[Star*]

OMG I BET you couldn't post Nicole's email to Step difficult child here - lol. Just thinking about it.....WOW again. (actually double wow) the kid HAS her mother's sharpness! lol.

Hugs for what you are all going through. Can't be easy

 

[Hound dog]

LOL Star. Yes. Nichole's was blunt and painful. The girl is direct and to the point. She doesn't mince words, no softening it up for her.

Stepgfg is still denying abuse of Kayla and Alex. I never actually saw her abuse Alex, I just got the weird phone calls from a spacey Mom telling me her 3 day old threw himself out of an infant swing. I'd bought that swing. No way. But with Kayla, yes I saw it, I heard it. It was the reason Kayla was moved into my room at night while she was living with us, to protect her. Didn't stop it, though. Stepgfg would think I was alseep and literally throw 5 month old Kayla into the crib or leave her screaming forever lying in a loose bm diaper. I could go on and on. Got so bad we had to put a stop to any night care of Kayla.

Maybe she's a good mother now. I certainly hope so if she has them. But she wasn't then, no where near it.

I don't know why but I just checked her mySpace page again. Nichole must have told her how to decorate it and add stuff to it. Looks nice. However she has filled in some info now that bothers me.

1. After telling Nichole she has no relationship basically with her Mom, she puts her on her page as one of the people she admires most. Huh? A nice sentiment, but that doesn't make sense.

2. She goes on and on how she and M are happily married, yet even after editing her page she still has herself listed as single and looking. Excuse me, but you can't have it both ways.

Don't everyone scream at me, but in a moment of weakness I also emailed stepgfg. I didn't go into the past at all. I figured she'd had enough of that at the moment and her sisters had already pretty much stated what needed to be said. Instead I told her that I hope she is sincere. And that if she would like to talk to me she can. If she doesn't, I can live with that. I did ask more pointed questions about this brain condition than either easy child or Nichole. And I related to her about Travis and that all her children need to be tested for the JAQ gene that causes polycythemia. And I thanked her for "hearing" her sisters.

My grandma would've been proud. lol I held my piece more than I thought I ever would given the opportunity. I thought of my grandma the whole time I was writing it, what she would say in the situation. Basically my purpose was to pass on medical info and to give her the opportunity to tell her side. Who knows? Maybe if she decides to blast me, we'll find out more. I can take it. I've delt with much worse than her.

As for a relationship? Eh, still don't know how I feel about that. I'm happy keeping my distance for now. We've not received enough info to know if we're dealing with a new and improved, more mature stepgfg, or just an older version of the old stepgfg.

 

[Shari]

Wow. Let us know what you hear back.

The offer for a drive-by still stands.

 

[everywoman]

I truly hope for your family's sake that stepgfg is sincere and that Alex and Kayla are well, and happy, and adjusted. But I also understand your concerns. My mom was a lot like stepgfg, and while she has mellowed a lot with age, she is none the wiser. She still sees herself as a victim of circumstance. She can't understand that she caused her problems and that she was not a "good" mother. But...the pain of my childhood is behind me, and I have grown older and wiser, and sometimes those of us who are sane just have to take the higher road!

 

[Hound dog]

This was stepgfg's response to my email : I *** out some names.

hi,
thank you, for not yelling at me too. i understand why they did, but it hurt alot. i know i deserve every word. i am so sorry to hear about travis. i am not going to send you an angry letter either. i want to thank you for loving me, and helping me when i needed help, but i would like to say that who ever said i was complaining about you to anyone was lying. i mean it!! i told people how grateful i was that you and dad took me in and gave me a home. that you lisa loved me like your own daughter. when i left i had every intention of calling you and dad, but when i got to missouri and heard all the things being said i thought she thinks this little of me, does she hate me this much?i didn't beliveve my mom when she said it. i heard it from ****** too. i decided not to have contact since thats how you felt. yes i should have had the guts to come to you all and say i was leaving that i was struggling so hard we couldn't make it there. mike had a great job offer. but how could i? i came to love and respect all of you so much i just couldn't. yes i am sorry you will never know how much, never. i didn't wish to cause so much pain in your lives. i am sorry for every tear, every sleepless night, not having the courage to tell you i was leaving. i made many mistakes too. i wish you no ill will. i was shocked when nichole told me what happened to you after i left. i wish i could have been there after it happened. i am sorry i hurt dad, but he has hurt me too. when i was a kid he could have came to missouri to see me, could have tried for custody. yes i know that most of its my mothers fault i admit this, but its like he never even cared. but i am happy to say i got to spend time with him and know him better. i am sorry i caused him pain.

i lost a baby, his name was matthew. he was born stillborn at 25 weeks. it was the hardest thing i have been through. kayla is a mother hen, loving, and sweet. she does good in school and all her teachers love her. alex IS NOT DEFORMED. he has adhd. i am working on finding him the right medications. he is in Special Education classes some of the day. he is in speech therapy. his teacher in kindergraden was terrible to him. you don't know how many times i wish i could call you and ask you for advice or help with it. she was mean to him and said he wasn't a good kid, said he wasn't smart enough to make it to college. how could a teacher be so cruel? he has problems trusting people he doesn't know well, and is very shy because of her. he is the sweetest little boy. he comes up and gives hugs and kisses. he is very good with computers, loves playstation 2 games. evan is my ray of sunshine. he makes me laugh very day. even when i am in pain.

yes i was born with it. the doctor found it after **** (her husband) told her about the car accidents. its hard to deal with and take it all in. i just found out a few months ago.

if you ever need to talk about travis i am here. i lost a son too. yes i know my loss was different. i didn't see him take his first steps, or first day of school, didn't get to hold him when he cried. i didn't even get to hold a live baby boy in my arms that day. i tried to call than but i found out your number was different.

i don't now if you even want anything to do with me. but thank you for the letter. it means a lot. i am working on pictures to send nichole. i am sorry that my contacting nichole has made everyone so upset,and caused more pain. if its best that i leave all of you alone i will just tell me so. i know i deserve it!

love,
stepgfg

So? What do you think?

Me? Good grief, the child didn't have this much to say the whole time she was here. At least at one sitting. And she was with us 2 yrs. I let both girls read it as it contains much more detail than any email they've received.

I am impressed that she isn't trying to worm away from what she did. Yeah. Ok. So she is not going to admit the abuse. I didn't expect it. Nor do I doubt both her mother and the woman she thought of as a grandmother attacked her if she attempted to see them. They were both furious with her before she'd left to come stay with us, the whole time she was here, so it doesn't surprise me she didn't receive a warm welcome home.

Stepgfg is sounding sincere. I did write her back again. But while I don't have a problem with communicating with her, I will remain wary of her motives and on guard. I wonder if any of us will ever get past that point.

I guess only time will tell.

But...the pain of my childhood is behind me, and I have grown older and wiser, and sometimes those of us who are sane just have to take the higher road!

Very well put Everywoman. If I can do it for my Mom, I see no reason why I can't for stepgfg.

 

[everywoman]

The e-mail sounds sincere. Maybe she has grown up. We all make mistakes when we are young, and it takes maturity to say you are sorry and truly mean it. I'm glad that this puts some closure on those horrible years----I know it's not over, but as Fran has always said, one small step forward....

 

[witzend]

Two questions. What does hubby/SO having a great job to move on to thereby pulling themselves up by the bootstraps have to do with running away like a thief in the night?

Forgive me for being stupid, but Travis isn't dead, yet, is he? Why is she talking in the past tense? Or did I totally miss Travis dying? I mean really - forgive me if I'm being stupid! I forget more than I remember these days, but I think would have remembered that. My apologies in advance if I'm being an idiot. It's been known to happen...

 

[Hound dog]

No Witz. You didn't miss anything. Travis is still very much alive. Evidently she misunderstood when I was explaining the polycythemia. (But note the tenency to exaggerate.)

Yeah. she is sugar coating her vanishing act. Since her husband had burned out every job opportunity back there at the time......(my sources were from several people there), I am seriously doubtful someone tossed a job offer into his lap. Especially when he was just learning to read.

I can let this slide for the moment, though. My mom re-writes history on a consistant basis. I'm used to it.

 

[Suz]

Lisa, I'm trying online dating. It's an education on integrity and honesty; unfortunately, I'm finding little in the men I've met. It's so easy to misrepresent yourself online- to be a sweet-talker or a pathological liar.

So I hold very little credence in the written word anymore. I would be cautious. on the other hand, I would also be too curious to not go see her to test the veracity of her words. I wouldn't stay with her...get a cheap motel and visit for a day or two. Is that possible?

Suz