The roller coaster to somewhere maybe

[newstart]

My daughter has been in a wicked mania since the middle of April. Lies and defensive behavior, weird lies that just cause more problems for her and her quick rapid talk and her being the one and only authority on politics. Today I asked her if she wanted to help her dad and me pass out masks to the community. She came and helped, mostly stood around but did help some.
When my daughter is deeply manic she comes to my home and tries to fight, then defuses and cries. I get very tried of her using me to defuse and not learning how to defuse on her own. I told her that her lies wear me out completely and that she is doing more damage to her own mind by telling lies and it just frustrates me to the core.
The main move ahead step that we took is that we have new words. When I feel lied to and insulted I will say to her 'do you need to back up' meaning you can change the lie right now and make it right or change your tone of voice to make things right. She agreed to this.
I told her that when I say those words I do not want her to get defensive or mean, the reason we have these words in place is to keep harmony and to get back on track.
We discused her boyfriend in detail. She said she knew he was rude and she said she knew it was not our fault. She said she knows the both of them have problems and want to seek counsel. Before anyone says 'how wonderful' just know we have been down this road with these words several times just to end up going round and round. My daughter told me I was 'icy' I told her that I am getting older and I am so very tired to the pure BS that she throws my way on a regular basis.
Tonight I am so wore out and pray our talk made a difference.
I told her that her and her boyfriend's off and on behavior is terribly hard to deal with.
I told my daughter that I love her very much but being on the receiving end of her bipolar takes nerves of steel.

 

[JMom]

Newstart,

I bet that is quite exhausting. You are so wise to set those boundaries on how she talks to you. What a wonderful way to communicate with someone who is taking her frustrations out on you. I wish I had been that smart. I think the politics would wear me out faster than almost anything. It is so overwhelming on social media to see the constant bickering.

I think we all get "icy" (ie. tough) we kind of have to be, to stay sane. I'm sorry that you are so tired. Put your feet up dear and have a sip of tea with us.
Hugs,
JMOM

 

[RN0441]

Newstart

I think it's great that you have words and thoughts to use that your daughter understands. It is so very exhausting and frustrating to keep going down the same road with them. I agree.

But the fact that you are able to put words to it has to be helpful and it seems like in her own way she gets it.

Prayers for your peace and strength.

 

[Beta]

The main move ahead step that we took is that we have new words. When I feel lied to and insulted I will say to her 'do you need to back up' meaning you can change the lie right now and make it right or change your tone of voice to make things right. She agreed to this.
I told her that when I say those words I do not want her to get defensive or mean, the reason we have these words in place is to keep harmony and to get back on track.

Newstart, that is so wise. It kind of allows her to "keep face" and maybe defuse some of the defensiveness when she's called out on lying or her tone of voice.

 

[Blindsided]

thank you for sharing. You reinforce the value of effective communication and recognizing the need to detach emotionally. I am certain I have come off "icy" too, because I wont be part of my daughter's chaotic victimhood.

Wishing for your continued strength

 

[newstart]

Thank you for your feedback, comments and thoughts. I was emotionally drained for a couple of days after my daughter's manic blowout. When I told her exactly how I felt about her boyfriend, she listened and said to me that he does not know he is being a sh**. I also told her that as his partner it would be a good idea to help him get therapy. My daughter said 'I can't break up with him now, his mother just died and he would be suicidal. So is she just saying that to shut me up, making me think that maybe she is thinking of breaking up with him? Or is she really contemplating a break up? The relationship has been off/on in/out for 10 years. They keep each other broken, tore, confused, agitated, tired, wore out and depleted and yet the bond continues.

JMom, I will have a sip of tea, I will take peach tea please.
RN, Thanks for reminding me that in her own way she may be getting it.
Beta, Yes she will be able to 'keep face' and get it right. This is worth a try.
Blindsided, I too do not want to be part of my daughter's chaotic victomhood. I am glad you are not either. I guess Icy just means we have had enough.

 

[Beta]

I've gotten to the point where I don't say much to our son. Anything I say is always wrong, and I'm tired of feeling the worthlessness that comes afterward. I love him but I have detached to some extent. Probably need to even more, but it's a process. After so much trauma, you have to protect yourself even if you come off to them as being "icy."

 

[newstart]

I've gotten to the point where I don't say much to our son. Anything I say is always wrong, and I'm tired of feeling the worthlessness that comes afterward. I love him but I have detached to some extent. Probably need to even more, but it's a process. After so much trauma, you have to protect yourself even if you come off to them as being "icy."

Hi Beta, I am was getting to the point of not saying anything or much of anything to my daughter and I think she thought things were ok. The nasty behavior on my birthday is what made me have to speak my mind. My family and friends that know me well tell me I come across as warm. Since I want to be forgiven I work on forgiving others but this mess with my daughter is not even about forgiving, it is more about having to stand my ground so I do not get bull dozed over and over again. I think my words fall of deaf ears. Silence is sometimes more powerful.
Beta, I hope things are better at your home.

 

[ChickPea]

I am certain I have come off "icy" too, because I wont be part of my daughter's chaotic victimhood.

Ditto. I've really disengaged this past week. It's felt better (for me), but I don't think it comes off as warm or cozy.

You are absolutely right about the nerves of steel. I wish you some peaceful sleeps and interactions. It is so emotionally exhausting.

 

[JMom]

Newstart,

How are you holding up?

 

[newstart]

Thanks for asking JMom. We try to have a Sunday lunch together sometimes but I was not in the mood to hear a bunch of lies today so told her I could not make it.
My husband and I went shopping. I usually pick up something for my daughter when I go out. She loves Sperry shoes so I found a real cute nautical pair of Sperry flip flops, I put them in my cart. I shopped a bit more. I realized I spend quite a bit of money on her and I do not think she appreciates it. I walked around at the store and just put the flip flops back. I then shopped at Sprouts and I usually pick up different cheeses or her favorite things but I just said not today. I think that is part of the way I am going to detatch. Hope you have a fabulous week.

 

[Beta]

My husband and I went shopping. I usually pick up something for my daughter when I go out. She loves Sperry shoes so I found a real cute nautical pair of Sperry flip flops, I put them in my cart. I shopped a bit more. I realized I spend quite a bit of money on her and I do not think she appreciates it. I walked around at the store and just put the flip flops back. I then shopped at Sprouts and I usually pick up different cheeses or her favorite things but I just said not today. I think that is part of the way I am going to detatch. Hope you have a fabulous week.

I was doing this for Josh at times; buying favorite foods and treats. But I've stopped. I'll write a post about where we are with him, but suffice it to say, I know he does not love or appreciate us. We are nothing to him. I was walking around the grocery store the other and thought, "Oh, I should get that for Josh; he would like that." And then I thought, "No, I'm not getting him a thing," and I didn't.

 

[newstart]

I was doing this for Josh at times; buying favorite foods and treats. But I've stopped. I'll write a post about where we are with him, but suffice it to say, I know he does not love or appreciate us. We are nothing to him. I was walking around the grocery store the other and thought, "Oh, I should get that for Josh; he would like that." And then I thought, "No, I'm not getting him a thing," and I didn't.

Hi Beta, I do believe that not buying them things will speak volumes! I look forward to reading your update. I do think about you and pray for you.