The "Stuff" Just Hit the Fan

[Elsi]

Said he was justified calling my husband what he did and storming out because my husband was yelling, screaming, and cursing (he wasn't...I heard the entire exchange). Told me I misheard and that his hearing is better than mine, and that I was in another room. (I wasn't, I was standing right there in the kitchen between them. Told me "Eff you, you're calling me a liar and insulting me and I don't have to put up with that.

Classic gaslighting! Ugh. Trying to get you to question what you heard and saw with your own ears and eyes. And turning it around so HE gets to play the victim when you call him on it. This kind of behavior actually bothers me more than an occasional loss of temper and name calling. Because it’s premeditated, not a momentary loss of control.

I’m so sorry this is all falling apart on you. But I think moments like this can be clarifying. As you say, you know now you’ve done what you can. You’ve provided an opportunity and laid out the parameters of what you’re willing to do and what he needs to do. If he chooses to go back to Chicago that’s entirely on him.

I hope he does not go back to a Chicago. But you sound strong and clear either way. Good for you for holding him accountable and holding your boundaries. Unfortunately some of our children seem to be drawn to the drama. Hang in there!

 

[LauraH]

Classic gaslighting! Ugh. Trying to get you to question what you heard and saw with your own ears and eyes. And turning it around so HE gets to play the victim when you call him on it. This kind of behavior actually bothers me more than an occasional loss of temper and name calling. Because it’s premeditated, not a momentary loss of control.

I’m so sorry this is all falling apart on you. But I think moments like this can be clarifying. As you say, you know now you’ve done what you can. You’ve provided an opportunity and laid out the parameters of what you’re willing to do and what he needs to do. If he chooses to go back to Chicago that’s entirely on him.

I hope he does not go back to a Chicago. But you sound strong and clear either way. Good for you for holding him accountable and holding your boundaries. Unfortunately some of our children seem to be drawn to the drama. Hang in there!

Actually I'm a total mess right now but it will pass in a day or so. And I have to credit any strength I have to my loving supportive husband. Before he was in the picture I felt many times that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I had virtually no support in the community and my family (sister and brother) were sick of hearing about it so they weren't much help either. I really had no one who had my back. Now I do and it's made all the difference. And that's why I refuse to engage with my mentally disturbed son at risk of losing my greatest source of emotional support.

 

[Elsi]

Actually I'm a total mess right now but it will pass in a day or so. And I have to credit any strength I have to my loving supportive husband. Before he was in the picture I felt many times that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I had virtually no support in the community and my family (sister and brother) were sick of hearing about it so they weren't much help either. I really had no one who had my back. Now I do and it's made all the difference. And that's why I refuse to engage with my mentally disturbed son at risk of losing my greatest source of emotional support.

This sounds very familiar to me, especially the part about family and friends being sick of hearing about it. It’s hard to know what to say after a while - ‘yep, still a total disaster here! Actually, it’s gotten even worse! Want to hear the latest? No?’ People who haven’t been there don’t know what to say. Or they look at you like it must be your fault. My family has the attitude that it’s my fault for marrying poorly and getting myself in this situation so they don’t want to hear it.

And I totally hear you on not wanting to give up your peace and your current happiness with your husband. I am in a peaceful place and a happy relationship for the first time in my life. I can’t bear the thought of giving it up again, after everything I’ve already been through.

 

[Tired out]

I am glad you can protect your relationship with your husband.
My hubby is my son's dad but son would still like to divide us. he has a warped idea that if his dad were gone he would move back in with his brother and I. No way. Your son probably has the same idea. Drive your hubby away, he can move in.

 

[Tanya M]

While I was considering my response he threw in that he wanted to "clarify" what happened last night. Said he was justified calling my husband what he did and storming out because my husband was yelling, screaming, and cursing (he wasn't...I heard the entire exchange). Told me I misheard and that his hearing is better than mine, and that I was in another room. (I wasn't, I was standing right there in the kitchen between them. Told me "Eff you, you're calling me a liar and insulting me and I don't have to put up with that. Just remember what I said about Chicago and don't be surprised if I go back there." and hung up on me.

WTH was that? Guilt trip? Bullying? Threats? Manipulation? Gaslighting? All of the above? At any rate, it's nothing I feel like engaging in.

Yes, all the above but mainly gaslighting - trying to make you believe something that did not happen, trying to make you question your own sanity. I'm glad you can see it for what it is.

Update: I talked to my husband and he said he was okay with my son hanging out for a couple of hours but did not want to rehash last night. When I called my son back he said he's extremely pissed off and done with us and we don't have to worry about ever seeing him again. He repeated the threat (?) or intention (?) which ever the case may be, of going back to Chicago. (He'll surely be coming by to pick up a check he's expecting in the mail and to retrieve his luggage that is supposed to be getting shipped here tomorrow...that should be interesting)

All I know is that we've done the best we could to help him, even going above and beyond what was expected of us. If he's done with us, so be it. Hurting? Yes. Angry? Yes. Willing to continue playing his game? Not a chance in hell. But nobody can say we didn't try.

Oh if I had a dollar for every time my son said he was done with us! If your son really wants to go back to Chicago - so be it. I think he's hoping/expecting you to break down - telling him "no, don't go, we were wrong, we will do anything you need, just stay"
It's very typical of a difficult adult child to ramp things up when we start standing firm in our boundaries and holding our ground.

Actually I'm a total mess right now but it will pass in a day or so. And I have to credit any strength I have to my loving supportive husband. Before he was in the picture I felt many times that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I had virtually no support in the community and my family (sister and brother) were sick of hearing about it so they weren't much help either. I really had no one who had my back. Now I do and it's made all the difference. And that's why I refuse to engage with my mentally disturbed son at risk of losing my greatest source of emotional support.

I'm so glad you have good support from your husband. Don't forget you have all of us here too!

I know it may not feel like it right now but you are doing great!! You are standing firm and not giving in.

((HUGS)) to you!!

 

[LauraH]

Yes, all the above but mainly gaslighting - trying to make you believe something that did not happen, trying to make you question your own sanity. I'm glad you can see it for what it is.


Oh if I had a dollar for every time my son said he was done with us! If your son really wants to go back to Chicago - so be it. I think he's hoping/expecting you to break down - telling him "no, don't go, we were wrong, we will do anything you need, just stay"
It's very typical of a difficult adult child to ramp things up when we start standing firm in our boundaries and holding our ground.


I'm so glad you have good support from your husband. Don't forget you have all of us here too!

I know it may not feel like it right now but you are doing great!! You are standing firm and not giving in.

((HUGS)) to you!!

This group is a godsend. My husband is uber-supportive but he doesn't really understand the situation. He's never had kids and has never been around mental illness other than an uncle who was mentally retarded. So it's sometimes hard for him to relate to what I'm going through. He thinks it's just a matter of my son choosing not to grow up, but you all understand that it's way more complicated than that. But between him and you all, I've finally found the resources I need to get me through any bumps and jolts that cross my path. Love to everyone!!