Copabanana
Well-Known Member
A couple of weeks ago we bought a fixer upper home with an apartment over the detached garage. The hope was that one day, my son might live there. We had little hope that we could offer my son the space (on a paid basis) anytime soon. His behavior until a few weeks ago, was not conducive to that. I was wrong.
My son had returned to my town about 6 weeks or so ago. He asked if he could come to my home. I said no. He showed up at my door. I kicked him out after 2 nights.
My son had burnt his bridges with friends away from here. In four and a half years, for roughly half that time, people gave him free or reasonable places to stay in a very high cost of living area. He was able to secure SSI but SSI will not pay even rent to share an apartment where he was living. For half of the four years he was either homeless or close to it in several different counties. He was hospitalized multiple times.
Since coming to this site almost a year ago my stance has been to not tolerate abuse, and to draw a firm line of what is acceptable to me. Mostly I have demanded respect, and that he not lay around in my home. If he is here, he needs to be productive and respectful. I have been clear to him about where I believe he has let other people down, and let himself down if he opens up the topic. I am clear to him about what impact I believe his manner of dressing has on me and to the people he encounters, but I do not batter him with it.
For the past few days my son has been working alongside M remodeling the house. He is staying here at my home until the space is ready, and doing his best to follow our rules. He tries not to be intrusive. The wandering around the house has stopped. He seems to be trying to not leave things dirty, in disarray. After I suggested he wash dishes, all of them, because others do for him, he does so without prompt. He is trying. That is the difference. His attitude is five hundred percent different. He seems to be trying to minimize conspiracy theory rants (which distress me ). When I prompt him to stop, he does. The instability of mood, his aggression seem gone. He expresses pride in himself that he has managed to avoid hard drugs.
I cannot tell you what a difference there is. I feel as if my son is back after a long absence. I am hopeful and optimistic. Of course, I am always ready for backsliding but these changes have made me hopeful for the future, because I know it can be done, that he can do it and so can I.
What changed, and is it permanent, I cannot say. He is 27, the age that the male brain reaches maturity, they say. I think he had to live out the consequences of his attitudes and choices. I think I had to make it clear I could live without him and would, if he lived in a way that I found intolerable. I had to set a limit that said: If you choose to live this way you will live it without me.
I do not believe we would have reached this place had I not detached. It was very, very hard for me. But I came to a point where it was harder still to stay the same. What will come, I do not know. But as JMom said today, I will take the happy and joyful days, for what they are. Hope and possibility.
COPA
My son had returned to my town about 6 weeks or so ago. He asked if he could come to my home. I said no. He showed up at my door. I kicked him out after 2 nights.
My son had burnt his bridges with friends away from here. In four and a half years, for roughly half that time, people gave him free or reasonable places to stay in a very high cost of living area. He was able to secure SSI but SSI will not pay even rent to share an apartment where he was living. For half of the four years he was either homeless or close to it in several different counties. He was hospitalized multiple times.
Since coming to this site almost a year ago my stance has been to not tolerate abuse, and to draw a firm line of what is acceptable to me. Mostly I have demanded respect, and that he not lay around in my home. If he is here, he needs to be productive and respectful. I have been clear to him about where I believe he has let other people down, and let himself down if he opens up the topic. I am clear to him about what impact I believe his manner of dressing has on me and to the people he encounters, but I do not batter him with it.
For the past few days my son has been working alongside M remodeling the house. He is staying here at my home until the space is ready, and doing his best to follow our rules. He tries not to be intrusive. The wandering around the house has stopped. He seems to be trying to not leave things dirty, in disarray. After I suggested he wash dishes, all of them, because others do for him, he does so without prompt. He is trying. That is the difference. His attitude is five hundred percent different. He seems to be trying to minimize conspiracy theory rants (which distress me ). When I prompt him to stop, he does. The instability of mood, his aggression seem gone. He expresses pride in himself that he has managed to avoid hard drugs.
I cannot tell you what a difference there is. I feel as if my son is back after a long absence. I am hopeful and optimistic. Of course, I am always ready for backsliding but these changes have made me hopeful for the future, because I know it can be done, that he can do it and so can I.
What changed, and is it permanent, I cannot say. He is 27, the age that the male brain reaches maturity, they say. I think he had to live out the consequences of his attitudes and choices. I think I had to make it clear I could live without him and would, if he lived in a way that I found intolerable. I had to set a limit that said: If you choose to live this way you will live it without me.
I do not believe we would have reached this place had I not detached. It was very, very hard for me. But I came to a point where it was harder still to stay the same. What will come, I do not know. But as JMom said today, I will take the happy and joyful days, for what they are. Hope and possibility.
COPA
Last edited:
