Thinking about the collateral damage
- Thread starter Echolette
- Start date
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
Me, again.
:0)
So what I was trying to post last night had to do with the healing that came for me, and for husband, from understanding a little more about what happened to all of us. Over the years of rebuilding our lives together (instead of divorcing), both husband and I have had to let go of blaming one another, even in our secret hearts, for the destruction of that dream of family, of who you all will be together as the years pass, of how it will be to learn you are going to be a grandparent, of how it is going to look and smell and feel when the holidays come around.
Of high school graduation parties, off to college time, of watching your child build a successful career and establish a place of respect for him or herself in the world.
Each of those milestones for us have been occasions of deep pain, of mourning that we can't really share because there is nothing to say that can help.
OH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.
This phone.
Grrrr...
:0)
So what I was trying to post last night had to do with the healing that came for me, and for husband, from understanding a little more about what happened to all of us. Over the years of rebuilding our lives together (instead of divorcing), both husband and I have had to let go of blaming one another, even in our secret hearts, for the destruction of that dream of family, of who you all will be together as the years pass, of how it will be to learn you are going to be a grandparent, of how it is going to look and smell and feel when the holidays come around.
Of high school graduation parties, off to college time, of watching your child build a successful career and establish a place of respect for him or herself in the world.
Each of those milestones for us have been occasions of deep pain, of mourning that we can't really share because there is nothing to say that can help.
OH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.
This phone.
Grrrr...
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
Understanding that difficult child son's rage at me has anything at all to do with something good that changed, that was gone, that could never be brought back means...it means I was a good mom, once.
It means husband didn't do anything wrong.
And though I have been operating from the premise that we would both forgive, that we were both to blame for whatever toxic thing it was that we had somehow created, and that had destroyed -- well, everything that matters in a marriage...THAT WAS NEVER TRUE. (Sorry for the caps. I can't do italics on this phone. )
And throughout this whole thing with difficult child daughter, darned if difficult child son wouldn't do the same thing immediately after. And want the same kinds of help...and hate us both for it, the more we did.
And as husband and I felt all those little pieces fall into place the way they do sometimes when you finally can see something that has always been there?
Well, I don't know what to say about it, because I don't know yet where this is going to end up.
Definitely a breakthrough, though.
You know how they say we keep acting out our pain, over and over.
That is what. ..is a piece of what drives difficult child son.
Major breakthrough.
Oh hallelujah, I am done with this post and only hit the "Post Now" key by accident once.
By the time I have access to a real keyboard again?
I will have forgotten how to type.
:0)
Cedar
It means husband didn't do anything wrong.
And though I have been operating from the premise that we would both forgive, that we were both to blame for whatever toxic thing it was that we had somehow created, and that had destroyed -- well, everything that matters in a marriage...THAT WAS NEVER TRUE. (Sorry for the caps. I can't do italics on this phone. )
And throughout this whole thing with difficult child daughter, darned if difficult child son wouldn't do the same thing immediately after. And want the same kinds of help...and hate us both for it, the more we did.
And as husband and I felt all those little pieces fall into place the way they do sometimes when you finally can see something that has always been there?
Well, I don't know what to say about it, because I don't know yet where this is going to end up.
Definitely a breakthrough, though.
You know how they say we keep acting out our pain, over and over.
That is what. ..is a piece of what drives difficult child son.
Major breakthrough.
Oh hallelujah, I am done with this post and only hit the "Post Now" key by accident once.
By the time I have access to a real keyboard again?
I will have forgotten how to type.
:0)
Cedar
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
One more thing I meant to say but lost track of in the post/edit/repost cycle happening to me with phone posting.
So, difficult child daughter fell apart again two years ago. At that time, we did not believe in mental illness.
What we did believe in is that we had caused whatever it was that caused difficult child daughter (and then, difficult child son) to do what they did.
As was discussed earlier, me being the mom at home made it pretty clear which parent had messed up the kids.
Anyway.
So, difficult child daughter falls apart again two years ago.
And again, certain diagnoses are made.
Only this time, the falling apart happened through difficult child daughter's own determined efforts EVEN THOUGH SHE HAD CHILDREN TO CARE FOR.
And she really could not have cared less whether her children were hurt.
And so this time, we believed the diagnoses.
It was so much better than believing she did what she did on her own.
And then, difficult child daughter was thought to have developed organ failure, which is terminal.
And I realized that guilt or blame or however it was that this happened to us didn't matter.
And I was able to let all that go.
And I finally got the value in detachment parenting adult difficult child kids.
MWM posted about verbal abuse from an adult difficult child to a parent.
And I was able to stand up to difficult child son.
Standing up to other abusers is a piece of cake compared to pulling the plug on the who gets to abuse who game I'd been allowing with my son in some sad little effort to plumb the depths of whatever I'd done to him so he could heal from it, and both my mother and
my sister were recognized for who they were (thanks to everyone here).
And they were dealt with and that was all processed.
And now, like a miracle...I am freed from whatever self condemnation was still roaring through my self talk and self image through my son's rage, and through the nature of the things about his own pain that he cannot see yet, but I can.
So that's what I meant when I posted the term "miracle".
If you can see yourself in this story, if you can recover from what has happened to your own families sooner because of it...wouldn't that be a wonderful thing.
Cedar
So, difficult child daughter fell apart again two years ago. At that time, we did not believe in mental illness.
What we did believe in is that we had caused whatever it was that caused difficult child daughter (and then, difficult child son) to do what they did.
As was discussed earlier, me being the mom at home made it pretty clear which parent had messed up the kids.
Anyway.
So, difficult child daughter falls apart again two years ago.
And again, certain diagnoses are made.
Only this time, the falling apart happened through difficult child daughter's own determined efforts EVEN THOUGH SHE HAD CHILDREN TO CARE FOR.
And she really could not have cared less whether her children were hurt.
And so this time, we believed the diagnoses.
It was so much better than believing she did what she did on her own.
And then, difficult child daughter was thought to have developed organ failure, which is terminal.
And I realized that guilt or blame or however it was that this happened to us didn't matter.
And I was able to let all that go.
And I finally got the value in detachment parenting adult difficult child kids.
MWM posted about verbal abuse from an adult difficult child to a parent.
And I was able to stand up to difficult child son.
Standing up to other abusers is a piece of cake compared to pulling the plug on the who gets to abuse who game I'd been allowing with my son in some sad little effort to plumb the depths of whatever I'd done to him so he could heal from it, and both my mother and
my sister were recognized for who they were (thanks to everyone here).
And they were dealt with and that was all processed.
And now, like a miracle...I am freed from whatever self condemnation was still roaring through my self talk and self image through my son's rage, and through the nature of the things about his own pain that he cannot see yet, but I can.
So that's what I meant when I posted the term "miracle".
If you can see yourself in this story, if you can recover from what has happened to your own families sooner because of it...wouldn't that be a wonderful thing.
Cedar
Albatross
Well-Known Member
Cedar, this is so very cool.
I think he will come to see, now that one of those filters is no longer coloring everyone's view. But YOU see, now, and that is just so very cool how it all became so clear, just from looking at it from a slightly different angle.
