This Mom Needs Hope

[Wiped Out]

Just wanted to add my welcome-sorry you needed to find us but you will find much support and friendship here. Through all of this be sure to take care of yourself! Hugs.

 

[meowbunny]

Whether there is a neurological factor or not, our kids need discipline, consistency, rules. Do we over-punish? You better believe we do. Not because we're being punitive but because we don't have any other answers and want our kids to be like the kids down the street -- kind, respectful, non-threatening. So, we do the typical parent things. When that doesn't work, we turn to therapy. We're frequently told the fault is not in the child's illness but with us -- we need to be more consistent, firmer, etc. Nope, sorry, that didn't work, now what? If we're lucky, we find something like this board for help.

So, we have a choice. We can beat ourselves up for trying "normal" parenting techniques in the past. We can be angry because we listened to pros who dealt with the typical, rebellious child, not a child with chemical imbalances or neurological issues. Better yet, we can forgive ourselves, we can understand that the therapist who gave us the bad advice was doing the best he could do with his knowledge base and then we can start looking for alternatives.

Personally, I'd be patting myself on the back if I were you. You figured what you were doing was not working and you started looking for alternatives. Strangely, we're far more willing to forgive our kids their major transgressions than we are our mistakes in doing the best we knew how. I forgave my daughter my broken arm, which was done deliberately. I forgave the theft of my father's watch, which was sold and could not be retrieved. I forgave the deliberate damage to our home. I beat myself up for years for things I said or did to her that were never deliberate, but were done because I thought they were the best thing for her or just blurted out when I had reached my limit and nothing I ever said to her was half as hateful or cruel as what she was saying on a daily basis just to hurt. Amazingly, when I learned to forgive me, she did, too.

It really is time to let go of the past. Forgive yourself. Barring having deliberately hurt him physically and I mean deliberately, not when you're in a rage and not in control of anything, not having said the mean, hateful things we all say because we're human and frustrated and angry and hurt, let the past be the past. I can remember basically grounding my child for a year. Do I regret it? You better believe I do but I also understand I was doing what I thought was right and truly was doing the best I could. It wasn't a stellar moment in my parenting skills but I was doing what I thought was best for my child. So did you. Regret but forgive.

RTCs can be great things if they are the right fit. Using a good consultant is a good thing. Here's hoping he can find a good one for you. I'm not convinced I found the right one for my daughter but I am convinced just getting her away from certain influences helped a lot. She did learn some coping skills while there and those skills are serving her well now. I don't regret one penny that was spent. I wish I could have the memories of sophomore/junior years of high school for both of us but her survival was more important.

I regret the days we were apart. They were devastating for me. She was my baby, my heart, my soul. One thought that kept me going during her time away was the fact that I was pretty sure she would have run away and I would have worried that she was hurt or, worse yet, dead, had I not sent her to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). The alternative was far, far worse than my pain in her not being home. So, when the time comes, miss him but think what the alternatives are. If necessary, write them on a large sheet of paper and tack them to his door to remind you why he is there. Miss him while he is gone but use that time to regroup, find yourself, learn to laugh agan. Hopefully, he'll come back with many useful skills that will help him become more of the young man of your dreams.

Sorry, for the novel but I hope this helps a little.

 

[627666]

MeowBunny, you have a wonderful way of lifting people up with your words. Thank you for your kind note.

I read back over some of the history with your daughter and I know you can relate to my anguish firsthand. You are very wise in stating we as parents do the best we can with the information we have at that time. We are human and most of us never expected to be dealing with these complex issues. I will start to go easier on myself and will think about what you said.

I am thankful your daughter is doing better now. I am sure one day she will look back and realize what a wonderful Mother you are and all the sacrifices you made for her survival. As parents we can never give up and we must always let our kids know that.

I have an interesting update to report. My son's therapist called me today and said he could not stop thinking about our case. We are all in agreement that the anti-depressant, Lexapro, could be the culprit for the gradual increase in bad judgement (shoplifting) and agression (being too rough with his younger sister) we have recently seen. Our son's sweet, sensitive side has disappeared and been replaced with a colder, almost distant demeanor. We will start the process of taking him off this drug on Monday, once we have spoken with the Psychiatrist who prescribed it. Our son will never be easy, but this might help us keep him in his current school (which has been wonderful) and out of a long term facility. Our therapist also said he thought the medications could be the reason we are seeing his ODD advance to CD like symptoms. He does not think he has full blown CD...yet! This is giving me tremendous hope. I pray the school will let him stay for a few more weeks so we can see if our boy "returns". My motherly instinct tells me these drugs are doing more damage than good. I have no doubt he will need the ADHD medication, Vyvanse, to help with impulsivity and focus...but the anti-depressant might be our problem here. I know many other parents on this site have shared with me this too was their story!

I am keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. Our children are worth the fight!

 

[klmno]

That's good news!! Maybe you can relay this to the people at school and therapist back you up????

My son had a reaction to anti-depressants- at least his 1 1/2 hour crime spree where he set a brush fire, among other things, was very coincidental if it wasn't a reaction. Anyway, it might take some time for your son to get over this medication and truly get back to his "base line". You might want to be preapred and have a plan in place for getting him to the ER, just in case his suicidal thoughts increase or his behavior becomes very concerning.

 

[Steely]

Welcome Mom Needs Hope...............
I also live in Dallas, and have been through every single school, therapist, and idea that exists.
I also just hired an educational consultant, and had my son in a wilderness program - and then onto a Residential Treatment Center (RTC).
In fact, your post reminded me so much of me, I don't even know where to start to help you, other than to suggest to please send me a private message, and I will answer any specific questions you have and try to help in any way possible.

I can tell you flat out that the mental health care we have here in Dallas is some of the worst in the Country, and in the 18 years I have been dealing with this with my son, I have yet to find a therapist that really gets the whole picture. However, I have found some good psychiatrists.........and I know of the specific Residential Treatment Center (RTC) you are talking about.........and have only heard good things about it.

I can also tell you that before I went the route of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) I would want to get the right diagnosis. Conduct Disorder is rarely a stand alone diagnosis, and I think, that according to the DSMV, this disorder cannot truly be diagnosed until after the age of 18. Usually, as you said, there is more of brain disorder/mood disorder going on than a personality disorder, which would mean that with proper medication and proper counseling, he might be able to not go to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

Anyway, if you want, send me a private message if you want to chat. I have been through it all with Matthew, my difficult child, and I will help in any way I can - in fact we can even meet up, have coffee, and share in person.

Welcome.

 

[Steely]

Ooops..........I was wrong. I guess, what I was thinking was that a Dr cannot assess whether a child is going to have a true personality disorder occur from a diagnosis of Conduct Disorder, until the child is 18. Below is the exact definition.

None the less, as you have seen on our board many kids mature out of these types of behaviors, therefore labeling them, in my opinion is completely irrevelant. The bigger question is whether or not there is a chemical imbalance in his brain that is causing the behavior.

[SIZE=+1]TABLE 1
DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Conduct Disorder [/SIZE]

1. [SIZE=-1] A repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior in which the basic rights of others or major age-appropriate societal norms or rules are violated, as manifested by the presence of three (or more) of the following criteria in the past 12 months, with at least one criterion present in the past six months: [/SIZE]
   [SIZE=-1] Aggression to people and/or animals [/SIZE]
   1. [SIZE=-1] Often bullies, threatens or intimidates others. [/SIZE]
   2. [SIZE=-1] Often initiates physical fights. [/SIZE]
   3. [SIZE=-1] Has used a weapon that can cause serious physical harm to others (e.g., a bat, brick, broken bottle, knife, gun). [/SIZE]
   4. [SIZE=-1] Has been physically cruel to people. [/SIZE]
   5. [SIZE=-1] Has been physically cruel to animals. [/SIZE]
   6. [SIZE=-1] Has stolen while confronting a victim (e.g., mugging, purse snatching, extortion, armed robbery). [/SIZE]
   7. [SIZE=-1] Has forced someone into sexual activity. [/SIZE]
   [SIZE=-1] Destruction of property [/SIZE]
   1. [SIZE=-1]Has deliberately engaged in fire setting with the intention of causing serious damage. [/SIZE]
   2. [SIZE=-1] Has deliberately destroyed others' property (other than by fire setting). [/SIZE]
   [SIZE=-1] Deceitfulness or theft [/SIZE]
   1. [SIZE=-1] Has broken into someone else's house, building or car. [/SIZE]
   2. [SIZE=-1] Often lies to obtain goods or favors or to avoid obligations (i.e., "cons" others). [/SIZE]
   3. [SIZE=-1] Has stolen items of nontrivial value without confronting the victim (e.g., shoplifting, but without breaking and entering; forgery). [/SIZE]
   [SIZE=-1] Serious violations of rules [/SIZE]
   1. [SIZE=-1] Often stays out at night despite parental prohibitions, beginning before age 13 years. [/SIZE]
   2. [SIZE=-1] Has run away from home overnight at least twice while living in a parental or parental surrogate home (or once without returning for a lengthy period). [/SIZE]
   3. [SIZE=-1] Is often truant from school, beginning before age 13 years. [/SIZE]
2. [SIZE=-1] The disturbance in behavior causes clinically significant impairment in social, academic or occupational functioning. [/SIZE]
3. [SIZE=-1] If the individual is age 18 years or older, criteria are not met for antisocial personality disorder. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=-1] Specify severity: [/SIZE][SIZE=-1] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Mild: few if any conduct problems in excess of those required to make the diagnosis, and conduct problems cause only minor harm to others. [/SIZE][SIZE=-1] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Moderate: number of conduct problems and effect on others intermediate between "mild" and "severe." [/SIZE][SIZE=-1] [/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1] Severe: many conduct problems in excess of those required to make the diagnosis, or conduct problems cause considerable harm to others. [/SIZE]

 

[TerryJ2]

Kudos to your son's therapist! I am so happy for you. And glad that there are wonderful people like that out there, who "Can't stop thinking about you."
I am so happy to read your note.
I know it is going to be hard, and that weaning your son off of his medications will be slow, but it does sound like a good idea, from what you've written.