Stand firm. He's a big boy
This is so important to the child's picture of himself as he goes into the world. However he is getting there, that is what he is doing. If we believe they are making choices and can do just fine without us, so will they.
What we really believe ~ that they are throwing their futures away with both hands ~ doesn't matter.
They are our children, and we are probably always going to believe we could do it better, or insist they follow a certain path. (Instead of the horrific nightmare ones leading directly to life in the toilet they seem duty bound to pursue with a single minded integrity visible in no other aspect of their lives.)
Ahem.
Possible for you and husband to plan a weekend getaway so you are not home, all doors are locked, and you can think about something else ~ say, yourselves and one another ~ for Friday night and Saturday?
I am serious.
Clearing the air, getting away, remembering why you and husband are together and who you are in the sunshine will save your marriage, your lives, and your self concepts.
There is nothing easy about parenting a difficult child child. Triangulation is a huge thing that happens with them, and I think that is what is coming next for you. Your husband is engaged. Husbands tend not to waffle and moms tend to defend their sons and daughters, whatever they have done and whatever mom said she was going to do (and meant it when she said it, too). Many parents here have flashes (pretty intense ones, too) of PTSD. If your child is escalating the battle, you and your husband need time alone together away from the fray.
You need to get on the same page. Many parents here have left or lost their marriages during these flaring, adrenaline-fueled, essentially meaningless explosions.
Repeated ad nauseum.
How awful to wake up to that kind of energy in the house.
Ew.
This is what happened with my D H. Once he had been directly engaged, I mean. He is so much gentler with difficult child daughter. Between he and difficult child son ~ whew. D H even said at one point that two males cannot live in the same house without one of them being the dominant male.
And he meant it.
And he pulled me out of it, and he saved me every time? And I hated him for it, and I mourned for my children.
And I convinced him to help, again.
And before we knew it, that was the accepted pattern in our family and somehow, D H was bad cop and I was good, sappy cop.
Triangulation.
***
Drive as far as you can Friday night.
Stop there, stay there, don't leave for home until Sunday morning.
Eat pancakes together.
Works every time.
Cedar
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about me I told you I'm done I can't take this crap any more"
