Today was another day of sheer parental h*ll. I go to her place, knock on the door and she opened the door and proceeded to go back to the couch and fell back asleep. I kept trying to get her up to shower and she would not get up. I got mad, yelled, she yelled and I left to cool off. I noticed a chemical smell this morning that was not there this afternoon. The smell was familiar to me. Reminded me of difficult child's breath sometimes...but I thought, nah, she couldn't have used last night or she would still be wired! So I am in my car looking up detoxing off of meth and she fit the classic signs and I felt bad thinking my yelling, or making her feel shame or anything else is not going to help her when she is going through withdrawals. It would just push her back to doing it. Yeah. So I go back in, get her up and of course she looks like a hot mess. Didn't even brush her hair. I mentioned it and she said who gives an f what I look like going for surgery?? Um, people at least brush their hair?? Yeah. So we go in the hospital and everyone is staring at difficult child. She couldn't care less. We go to registration and she falls asleep in the chair while I am filling out paperwork. I have to wake her up to go to pre-op. We go to the pre-op waiting room and she lays down on a couch and goes to sleep while everyone is just looking at her. I am just heartbroken but I think hey, it is all worth it if she is trying to be clean. They come get us and take us to pre-op and the nurse is asking her questions. She is completely honest about being a crystal meth addict - which is good. I was thankful she was honest. They ask the last time she used and she asked me to leave the room. I left the room and completely broke down. The tears came flooding and there was no stopping it. A nurse came over and brought me into another room, sat me down with a box of tissues and told me her son was an alcoholic for ten years and they went through three rehabs before it finally stuck. She told me when he got sober, he called them at 2am and said he was done. And he was. What an angel this woman was...so I composed myself and went back to difficult child's room. She told me not to cry and that she loved me, which made me bawl even more. Anesthesia comes in and says due to her drug use, they will not put her under. They explained they would give her twilight drugs and numb the area, but they are not risking putting her under. She was okay with that and was actually really nice to the nurses this time. She made sure she thanked everyone. One good thing out of this, I guess...so off they went.
It wasn't long and then I took her home. I ran back out and got her some groceries, gatorade, etc. As I dropped off the groceries, we were chatting and I apologized for yelling that morning and told her I realize that will not help her detoxing. She says, I am not detoxing?? I said, really, so when was the last time you used because obviously you didn't want me to know and she told me there was a reason for that. Because she used last night. And she kind of chuckled about it. But she has a nervous laugh, so I am not sure if it was nerves or she found herself cute and funny. Either way, I told her I will not watch her kill herself and it was not fair for me to and I left.
Not even close to being ready. Nope. I told her when she is rady to stop being an addict, she will need to go to rehab because she cannot do this on her own. I told her I will take care of the wound (which has to be packed twice a day for a month!), but that she will get nothing more from me then my love and my prayers. I will not help her die. I told her I cannot fix her, that only she can fix herself and she has to want to. And I told her I didn't think she wanted to. Not yet anyway.
So why am I even taking care of the wound?? Why am I paying for the surgery?? For what?? So she can just go out and kill herself anyway??? I have cried so much today that I don't think I have any tears left...my heart hurts so much. I knew this wasn't it, yet, but to use last night?? After I asked her not to because she had surgery the next day?? How lower can you possibly get???
