Hi Save and welcome. This is a little corner of the cd board that is dedicated for those of us whose teens (and sometimes young adults) have gone down that very long, dark road known as substance abuse. You'll find a lot of support from those of us that have gone through this or are still going through it - as addiction is a "one day at a time" hurdle to overcome. It's a daily struggle and as parents, it affects us and all those around us.
My son began at age 14 with the grades slipping, quitting sports, skipping school and running away. We started with counseling and then a 5 month Residential Treatment Center (RTC) stay. It was not an ideal situation, but as Exhausted in Utah mentioned also, for us it was a way to at least keep him off the streets and safe from himself and the drugging. Things were okay for a few years, but then at 16, we could start to see the signs again. Like you mentioned, when we looked into his eyes, our son was no longer there.
Things escalated very quickly for my son the second time, and he was arrested for misdemeanors and then a felony right after his 17th birthday. He had graduated from pot to crack cocaine one night, and then went on a spiral into a deep dark hole with crack for 6 weeks. Knowing we again had to save him from himself until he was ready to ask for help, we gave him two options - either go to jail or go into a long-term dual-diagnostic residential facility. This time, we found a wonderful facility and he was there for 10 months. This place truly saved his life.
I don't want to gloss it over and say that everything was wonderful from that point, but he learned about addiction and no longer used street drugs of any kind. However, alcohol eventually became his drug of choice, though it took years for him to realize that alcohol was every bit as powerful over his life as the drugs once were. He ended up in a hospital for a one week psychiatric stay, and then a one week alcohol rehab type stay. He finally realized that he can't do it alone, and joined an Alano Club by us. It's a sober place where they host AA meetings throughout the day, but also offer a social outlet for those wanting to be sober. It's been a lifeline for him, and he's been sober for over 16 months now.
That's been our journey, but everyone's is different. We found help through United Way at one point. They offered intensive outpatient drug counseling for young teens. We later went through our county's mental health agency, and they were the ones who found the second Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement for my son.
We all do what we have to do or can do. Every journey is different, and the options available are so different across the country. The one place my son was placed in while younger is no longer open here. They have cut financing for so many facililties, that they have closed.
You asked if it will drive a wedge between you and your son/s if you place them in residential. In our case, we heard enough "I hate you's" to last a lifetime, but I told my son that I loved him enough for both of us, and that I was willing for him to hate me forever if it meant he would live drug and alcohol free. You'll find that it's usually the drugs/alcohol talking when they spew all that hateful venom your way. After they clean up and realize that what you did was for them, they change their tune. Our son is so very grateful that we stuck by him and did everything we could to help - although he knows that until he was ready to change himself, nothing we did would have worked.
If counseling isn't enough, then look for intensive outpatient. If that isn't enough, ask around at substance abuse facilities for their recommendation. Sometimes they do recommend residential, sometimes hospital type surroundings, sometimes even outdoor farm or work type substance abuse facilities. Just keep asking for recommendations - from professionals and from parents of others who have been in that situation in your area. I made so many phone calls looking for help, but one call would lead to somewhere else and someone else until we finally found the right place/fit for our son.
Hang in there and know that we are all here to offer support or suggestions if we can. Everyone has gone through this in different ways here, but we all have a common bond.
Sending hugs and support your way,
Deb