Ultimatum Given, now Trepidation....
- Thread starter Mikey
- Start date
Mikey
Psycho Gorilla Dad
BBK, I wasn't the one who decided these things. DA BOSS made her will known, and I had to choose. Right now, with McWeedy, my Dad (stroke victim), my brother (looking at prison for second-offense on drugs and theft), my other two kids, and changing roles yet again at work, I really need stability in my relationship with my wife. So, I went along with her wishes.
I didn't agree with it, but I had to choose between my own wishes and hers. McWeedy will be gone one day (whether badly, and soon, or normally, and later). But my wife is my life partner, and God willing will be so until death do us part. I resent McWeedy making me choose, but if I have to, I choose wife. If that's the way it's going to be, then all I can do is limit the damage McWeedy does to me and the rest of the family until he finally launches himself (or gets ejected into) the big, wide world.
Mikey
I didn't agree with it, but I had to choose between my own wishes and hers. McWeedy will be gone one day (whether badly, and soon, or normally, and later). But my wife is my life partner, and God willing will be so until death do us part. I resent McWeedy making me choose, but if I have to, I choose wife. If that's the way it's going to be, then all I can do is limit the damage McWeedy does to me and the rest of the family until he finally launches himself (or gets ejected into) the big, wide world.
Mikey
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Let wife take over the reins and do not step in--don't criticize, don't do anything except be there for her when it doesn't work out!</div></div>
Jane, I hear you. But at the risk of sounding argumentative, been there done that many times over. It's a cycle. I get to the point where I can't take it any more, and come close to going Katrina on McWeedy. wife (or someone else) then steps in and backs me down. wife takes over as McWeedy's "handler", but that usually ends up with him taking a running leap off Mount Doom into the flaming abyss. wife loses it, I step in to pick up the pieces, repeat cycle.
Hi Mikey,
the part where wife loses it, you step in to pick up the pieces--don't do that then if it doesn't work. You are rescuing and enabling everyone and also seem to think that you are the only one in the family with the ability/and or power to change them. As someone else said, you have no power over anyone but yourself. For this to work (letting wife handle difficult child) you do truly have to step back--you can't be watching and waiting for people to screw up and step in to fix it. You can't be so involved. I think it must be very difficult for you to allow wife to take control and stand by and watch her do it "wrong."
I think if you and wife went to counseling it might help tremendously--would you guys be willing to do that together? Or, as someone else mentioned go to Al-Anon.
You are choosing your wife over your son but she is choosing him over you--not likely to work! There is a very special bond between a mom and son--it is hard for us moms to let go. I love my 2 dtrs as much as I love my son but there is some extra thing with my son. I would guess it is the same with dads and dtrs.
Hugs,
Jane
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Mikey</div><div class="ubbcode-body">One thing I have heard a lot is that wife and I need to be on the same page.</div></div>
OK. Now I see why you've been balking at the suggestions. I agree - you won't get anywhere without a united front. I also agree that you should let wife handle him but I wonder if you will be able to relinquish control to your wife and fully suppport her methods even if you disagree with them?
From one difficult child to another, I think all McWeedy selectively hears from you is that his choices are causing you and the family pain and suffering. You're a broken record and he's tuned you out. Not to mention that you pretty much told him you hate his guts! I would turn the spotlight back on him, detach myself from the equation and at the same time (since you're no longer the bad cop) try to rebuild a relationship with him. Only then will you have any power to influence his decisions. I was able to see reason but only from a person I thought was reasonable.
Good luck!
OK. Now I see why you've been balking at the suggestions. I agree - you won't get anywhere without a united front. I also agree that you should let wife handle him but I wonder if you will be able to relinquish control to your wife and fully suppport her methods even if you disagree with them?
From one difficult child to another, I think all McWeedy selectively hears from you is that his choices are causing you and the family pain and suffering. You're a broken record and he's tuned you out. Not to mention that you pretty much told him you hate his guts! I would turn the spotlight back on him, detach myself from the equation and at the same time (since you're no longer the bad cop) try to rebuild a relationship with him. Only then will you have any power to influence his decisions. I was able to see reason but only from a person I thought was reasonable.
Good luck!
Mikey
Psycho Gorilla Dad
Mrs Smith, re: <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">From one difficult child to another, I think all McWeedy selectively hears from you is that his choices are causing you and the family pain and suffering. You're a broken record and he's tuned you out. Not to mention that you pretty much told him you hate his guts!</div></div>
You are quite the mindreader. In one small paragraph, you've summed up the situation completely. Yes, I reiterate how much pain McWeedy's causing the whole family. I wouldn't go so far as to say I "hate" him, but I certainly resent him - especially after he completely boffed our Orlando trip. And I can see the "tuning out" in his eyes every time he blows it and has to suffer through one of my tirades.
One thing, though. I have no problem turning McWeedy over to wife. In fact, just before I joined CD I tried the "be your buddy" approach myself. It didn't work for me, and it never works for wife. But when I'm finally ready to pounce, she (or someone) pulls me back at the last minute, and then a week of mushy-lovey time ensues, but always ends with him acting out again.
I appreciate your input. Putting the spotlight back on him was my intent with my ultimatum. My options, his choice. I wasn't going to force any one option on him, and would support his choice to get help, or stay out of trouble till he graduated and left, or until he packed up and left in two months. His choice.
I'm not sure that's what you meant, but that's what I was trying to do.
Mikey
You are quite the mindreader. In one small paragraph, you've summed up the situation completely. Yes, I reiterate how much pain McWeedy's causing the whole family. I wouldn't go so far as to say I "hate" him, but I certainly resent him - especially after he completely boffed our Orlando trip. And I can see the "tuning out" in his eyes every time he blows it and has to suffer through one of my tirades.
One thing, though. I have no problem turning McWeedy over to wife. In fact, just before I joined CD I tried the "be your buddy" approach myself. It didn't work for me, and it never works for wife. But when I'm finally ready to pounce, she (or someone) pulls me back at the last minute, and then a week of mushy-lovey time ensues, but always ends with him acting out again.
I appreciate your input. Putting the spotlight back on him was my intent with my ultimatum. My options, his choice. I wasn't going to force any one option on him, and would support his choice to get help, or stay out of trouble till he graduated and left, or until he packed up and left in two months. His choice.
I'm not sure that's what you meant, but that's what I was trying to do.
Mikey
Big Bad Kitty
lolcat
Got your PM Mikey.
I completely understand wanting to be on a united front with the Mrs. I further get that the timing was just one more thing to make difficult child believe that you are bluffing. Most importantly, I get you wanting to keep peace with your wife, because you love her so much. Don't think for one second that I belittling your efforts. In fact, kudos to you. You are one of a few men (I believe I can count them on one hand) who are taking the reins in trying to control the difficult child.
So, everything that it took you this long to come to terms with, now wife needs to come to terms with. I agree with any poster who mentioned Al-Anon, and it sure would not hurt if Dancer joined you. Her future happiness is at stake here (with Dr. Doobage wreaking havoc on the family). I believe that in the meantime, until you and wife can reach an agreement, you may want to not say anything to difficult child, or as little as possible. Yes, it may seem counter-productive, like going against everything that everyone has said. But what you cannot do is give anymore empty threats. Either follow through on the threats or don't threaten at all.
Get your ducks in a row with your wife, like today. Then figure out what you are going to do with Cap'n Cannabais.
Whew. Teenagers s.uck!
I completely understand wanting to be on a united front with the Mrs. I further get that the timing was just one more thing to make difficult child believe that you are bluffing. Most importantly, I get you wanting to keep peace with your wife, because you love her so much. Don't think for one second that I belittling your efforts. In fact, kudos to you. You are one of a few men (I believe I can count them on one hand) who are taking the reins in trying to control the difficult child.
So, everything that it took you this long to come to terms with, now wife needs to come to terms with. I agree with any poster who mentioned Al-Anon, and it sure would not hurt if Dancer joined you. Her future happiness is at stake here (with Dr. Doobage wreaking havoc on the family). I believe that in the meantime, until you and wife can reach an agreement, you may want to not say anything to difficult child, or as little as possible. Yes, it may seem counter-productive, like going against everything that everyone has said. But what you cannot do is give anymore empty threats. Either follow through on the threats or don't threaten at all.
Get your ducks in a row with your wife, like today. Then figure out what you are going to do with Cap'n Cannabais.
Whew. Teenagers s.uck!
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Mikey</div><div class="ubbcode-body">
You are quite the mindreader. In one small paragraph, you've summed up the situation completely. Yes, I reiterate how much pain McWeedy's causing the whole family. I wouldn't go so far as to say I "hate" him, but I certainly resent him - especially after he completely boffed our Orlando trip. And I can see the "tuning out" in his eyes every time he blows it and has to suffer through one of my tirades.
One thing, though. I have no problem turning McWeedy over to wife. In fact, just before I joined CD I tried the "be your buddy" approach myself. It didn't work for me, and it never works for wife. But when I'm finally ready to pounce, she (or someone) pulls me back at the last minute, and then a week of mushy-lovey time ensues, but always ends with him acting out again.
I appreciate your input. Putting the spotlight back on him was my intent with my ultimatum. My options, his choice. I wasn't going to force any one option on him, and would support his choice to get help, or stay out of trouble till he graduated and left, or until he packed up and left in two months. His choice.
I'm not sure that's what you meant, but that's what I was trying to do.
Mikey </div></div>
Mikey,
No, I don't mean "be his buddy", I mean be his temporary frontal lobe. And you're not presenting options or ultimatums anymore, it's wife's turn now so you're off the hook there. Don't lecture him but help him see how his choices now affect his life down the road. What are his dreams, his wishes for his future. Try to get a sense of where his reality is now and remind him gently that he can't be a child forever and soon he'll have to make some plans for his own future (even if you disapprove of his choices). Does he want to go to college or work after graduation? Or does he want to live in a tenement with his doper friends? Remind him that he'll need money to pay for his drugs. I guarantee that's not the picture in his head of his future. Help him see that he needs to think about life a little farther ahead than the weekend. Keep bringing him back to reality. Then maybe he'll begin to see the need to alter his course if he wants to accomplish the goals he sets for himself and live the image he has in his head of his future.
If you want him to open up to you, you have to talk less and listen more. Tease out this information and then remind him of his goals and the potential consequences of his actions when he is forced to make choices. And don't micromanage! Let him commit to a choice and suffer the consequences - and say no more about it.
You are quite the mindreader. In one small paragraph, you've summed up the situation completely. Yes, I reiterate how much pain McWeedy's causing the whole family. I wouldn't go so far as to say I "hate" him, but I certainly resent him - especially after he completely boffed our Orlando trip. And I can see the "tuning out" in his eyes every time he blows it and has to suffer through one of my tirades.
One thing, though. I have no problem turning McWeedy over to wife. In fact, just before I joined CD I tried the "be your buddy" approach myself. It didn't work for me, and it never works for wife. But when I'm finally ready to pounce, she (or someone) pulls me back at the last minute, and then a week of mushy-lovey time ensues, but always ends with him acting out again.
I appreciate your input. Putting the spotlight back on him was my intent with my ultimatum. My options, his choice. I wasn't going to force any one option on him, and would support his choice to get help, or stay out of trouble till he graduated and left, or until he packed up and left in two months. His choice.
I'm not sure that's what you meant, but that's what I was trying to do.
Mikey </div></div>
Mikey,
No, I don't mean "be his buddy", I mean be his temporary frontal lobe. And you're not presenting options or ultimatums anymore, it's wife's turn now so you're off the hook there. Don't lecture him but help him see how his choices now affect his life down the road. What are his dreams, his wishes for his future. Try to get a sense of where his reality is now and remind him gently that he can't be a child forever and soon he'll have to make some plans for his own future (even if you disapprove of his choices). Does he want to go to college or work after graduation? Or does he want to live in a tenement with his doper friends? Remind him that he'll need money to pay for his drugs. I guarantee that's not the picture in his head of his future. Help him see that he needs to think about life a little farther ahead than the weekend. Keep bringing him back to reality. Then maybe he'll begin to see the need to alter his course if he wants to accomplish the goals he sets for himself and live the image he has in his head of his future.
If you want him to open up to you, you have to talk less and listen more. Tease out this information and then remind him of his goals and the potential consequences of his actions when he is forced to make choices. And don't micromanage! Let him commit to a choice and suffer the consequences - and say no more about it.
PonyGirl
Warrior Parent
Hi Mikey
I am so sorry to read the latest chapter. Just so you know, I <span style='font-size: 11pt'>HAVE BEEN </span>where wife <span style='font-size: 11pt'>IS</span>. <u>Excatly </u>in that same place. husband wanted to ride roughshod, I wanted to not confront. Really icky place to be.
Let me tell you my perspective, from a wife instead of as a Warrior Mom. This is what I felt towards husband during those good cop/bad cop days:
Your support of your wife and wish to keep the peace is GREATLY APPRECIATED!!! :kisses:
Her perceived anger at you is really her fear that her son will be harmed. :crying:
I knew something had to be done to stop my son, but I didn't want to have to be present when it happened. I also didn't want anyone else to do the something. Endless tail chasing!! :devil:
My husband's reassurance was constant and unfailing. He also never quit giving suggestions...and getting angry when I didn't follow through. But he always always told me he loved me, was proud of me, supported whatever I decided.
Stand back and give wife hugs when she needs. She knows you disagree with her methods, that you want to try other alternatives, but she's not ready yet. She will be. Wait for her.
Okay and now for some real harsh advice:
:nonono:DON'T GO OUT LOOKING FOR HIM ANYMORE AFTER CURFEW!!!!
DON'T CALL REPEATEDLY ANYMORE!!! :nonono:
Stop doing that to yourself. If real physical harm does come to your son, it is NOT going to be YOUR FAULT no matter what you do or don't do.
Talk with your wife outside the heat of the moment. I hope you have already today. Let her know what YOU want to do, and then let her tell you what SHE wants to do, and then agree to whatever. And then stick to it.
I feel for you, and for your dear wife. This is such an awful place to be. I really do know. Keeping you all in my thoughts. :flower:
Peace
I am so sorry to read the latest chapter. Just so you know, I <span style='font-size: 11pt'>HAVE BEEN </span>where wife <span style='font-size: 11pt'>IS</span>. <u>Excatly </u>in that same place. husband wanted to ride roughshod, I wanted to not confront. Really icky place to be.
Let me tell you my perspective, from a wife instead of as a Warrior Mom. This is what I felt towards husband during those good cop/bad cop days:
Your support of your wife and wish to keep the peace is GREATLY APPRECIATED!!! :kisses:
Her perceived anger at you is really her fear that her son will be harmed. :crying:
I knew something had to be done to stop my son, but I didn't want to have to be present when it happened. I also didn't want anyone else to do the something. Endless tail chasing!! :devil:
My husband's reassurance was constant and unfailing. He also never quit giving suggestions...and getting angry when I didn't follow through. But he always always told me he loved me, was proud of me, supported whatever I decided.
Stand back and give wife hugs when she needs. She knows you disagree with her methods, that you want to try other alternatives, but she's not ready yet. She will be. Wait for her.
Okay and now for some real harsh advice:
:nonono:DON'T GO OUT LOOKING FOR HIM ANYMORE AFTER CURFEW!!!!
DON'T CALL REPEATEDLY ANYMORE!!! :nonono:
Stop doing that to yourself. If real physical harm does come to your son, it is NOT going to be YOUR FAULT no matter what you do or don't do.
Talk with your wife outside the heat of the moment. I hope you have already today. Let her know what YOU want to do, and then let her tell you what SHE wants to do, and then agree to whatever. And then stick to it.
I feel for you, and for your dear wife. This is such an awful place to be. I really do know. Keeping you all in my thoughts. :flower:
Peace
Mikey
Psycho Gorilla Dad
BBK, re: <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Don't think for one second that I {was} belittling your efforts.</div></div>
Never thought that for a moment. Just wanted to give you a little more info.
Also, I also agree with your last statement. At least Sarge gives me hope, though, that it can get better. Then again, Sarge never suffered from a severe, long-term case of CRIS (Cranio-Rectal Insertion Syndrome) like McWeedy. We had our normal teen battles, but then his brain started working and he turned out to be a really great kid.
doctor Doobster, on the other hand, is stuck at 13 between the ears, even though his body is about to turn 18. Until he gives up huffing the hookah, he'll never get past being a pre-pubescent, ungrateful little snot in an adult body. And his CRIS is so severe that he can open his mouth and stare at you.
:devil:
Mikey
Never thought that for a moment. Just wanted to give you a little more info.
Also, I also agree with your last statement. At least Sarge gives me hope, though, that it can get better. Then again, Sarge never suffered from a severe, long-term case of CRIS (Cranio-Rectal Insertion Syndrome) like McWeedy. We had our normal teen battles, but then his brain started working and he turned out to be a really great kid.
doctor Doobster, on the other hand, is stuck at 13 between the ears, even though his body is about to turn 18. Until he gives up huffing the hookah, he'll never get past being a pre-pubescent, ungrateful little snot in an adult body. And his CRIS is so severe that he can open his mouth and stare at you.
:devil:
Mikey
Mikey
Psycho Gorilla Dad
Thanks, PonyGirl. I really appreciate the perspective you give. I can only hope that wife sees things the way that you do. One thing, though, re: <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">DON'T GO OUT LOOKING FOR HIM ANYMORE AFTER CURFEW!!!! DON'T CALL REPEATEDLY ANYMORE!!! Stop doing that to yourself. If real physical harm does come to your son, it is NOT going to be YOUR FAULT no matter what you do or don't do.</div></div>
I don't go looking for him very often any more. And when I do, it's never out of worry or fear. Now, I go looking for him out of anger and frustration. If he's lying (like whenever his mouth is moving), and he's acting like a disrespectful little twerp on the phone, then I go looking for him to give proof to the fact that he's lying.
I'm just slightly ashamed to admit it, but I do it to satisfy (or maybe justify?) my anger and resentment towards him. As I've said before, there is always that little voice in my head whispering that I'm going overboard and overreacting. However, when I expose the lie and uncover the truth, now it's more about telling that little voice to shut the heck up, thereby making myself feel better.
Oh, and it doesn't hurt that it helps blow his silly excuees out of the water. Like last night, when I grounded him, he had nary a leg to stand on and argue. Give him a single crack, one hint of daylight, and he'll argue until he wears you down into pulverized sand. If I anticipate an argument, these days I prepare for the battle before it begins. It's the only chance I have to start and end an argument without McWeedy's endless repititions of "Why", "That's Stupid", and my personal favorite, "That's so gay".
But I haven't gone looking for him out of fear for over six months. It used to be that the thought of him running away would reduce me to tears. Now, the thought of him leaving is almost a happy one. That, too, is something I'm almost ashamed to admit.
The calls are pretty much for the same reason. I don't call any more unless I have to. And when I know that his phone works, and that he's taking/making calls to/from his friends, and know he's deliberately ignoring my calls, it's almost like he's flipping me off six inches from my nose.
:grrr: :grrr:
Being the brutish, mostly Italian male that I am (with some Irish and Cajun as well), to me that's a deliberate F YOU. Performed against me on a phone I helped him get. Sorry, but all that testosterone and the excess of Type-A personality genes sometimes gets the best of me, so I phone-bomb him or threaten to cut off service when he does that. But I don't do it out of panic or fear, or a need to hear his voice and know he's okay. It's simple anger and frustration, nothing more.
Guess it comes down to the fact that a gorilla's got to do what a gorilla's got to do. Nothing more.
Mikey
I don't go looking for him very often any more. And when I do, it's never out of worry or fear. Now, I go looking for him out of anger and frustration. If he's lying (like whenever his mouth is moving), and he's acting like a disrespectful little twerp on the phone, then I go looking for him to give proof to the fact that he's lying.
I'm just slightly ashamed to admit it, but I do it to satisfy (or maybe justify?) my anger and resentment towards him. As I've said before, there is always that little voice in my head whispering that I'm going overboard and overreacting. However, when I expose the lie and uncover the truth, now it's more about telling that little voice to shut the heck up, thereby making myself feel better.
Oh, and it doesn't hurt that it helps blow his silly excuees out of the water. Like last night, when I grounded him, he had nary a leg to stand on and argue. Give him a single crack, one hint of daylight, and he'll argue until he wears you down into pulverized sand. If I anticipate an argument, these days I prepare for the battle before it begins. It's the only chance I have to start and end an argument without McWeedy's endless repititions of "Why", "That's Stupid", and my personal favorite, "That's so gay".
But I haven't gone looking for him out of fear for over six months. It used to be that the thought of him running away would reduce me to tears. Now, the thought of him leaving is almost a happy one. That, too, is something I'm almost ashamed to admit.
The calls are pretty much for the same reason. I don't call any more unless I have to. And when I know that his phone works, and that he's taking/making calls to/from his friends, and know he's deliberately ignoring my calls, it's almost like he's flipping me off six inches from my nose.
:grrr: :grrr:
Being the brutish, mostly Italian male that I am (with some Irish and Cajun as well), to me that's a deliberate F YOU. Performed against me on a phone I helped him get. Sorry, but all that testosterone and the excess of Type-A personality genes sometimes gets the best of me, so I phone-bomb him or threaten to cut off service when he does that. But I don't do it out of panic or fear, or a need to hear his voice and know he's okay. It's simple anger and frustration, nothing more.
Guess it comes down to the fact that a gorilla's got to do what a gorilla's got to do. Nothing more.
Mikey
PonyGirl
Warrior Parent
I understand where you're coming from, the needing to prove him wrong and catch him in the lie. He's been proven untrustworthy often enough, I think you could put down that ball and stop playing. Would be a further step towards detachment. No need anymore to have actual proof, simply enough to cite past practice and be done with it. Just a suggestion! :blush:
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Give him a single crack, one hint of daylight, and he'll argue until he wears you down into pulverized sand. </div></div>Try to simply stop arguing. Say your words, and period, amen. He will commense to spew forth, you simply do not respond. All done.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">and my personal favorite, "That's so gay".
</div></div>Yep, this is my favorite, too. If it makes you feel any better, this is the standard reply I get from my easy child :laugh:
Peace
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Give him a single crack, one hint of daylight, and he'll argue until he wears you down into pulverized sand. </div></div>Try to simply stop arguing. Say your words, and period, amen. He will commense to spew forth, you simply do not respond. All done.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">and my personal favorite, "That's so gay".
</div></div>Yep, this is my favorite, too. If it makes you feel any better, this is the standard reply I get from my easy child :laugh:
Peace
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Mikey,
I havent responded to your post before because I really didnt know what to say to you. I know how hard it is to stand back and watch these kids self destruct. I have fought hard and put up all the road blocks imaginable for mine and it really didnt do one whit of good. Mine spent most of his teen years in some form of inpatient care facility away from home be it a group home, wilderness camp, psychiatric hospital or Residential Treatment Center (RTC).
One thing we were told is that until they are 18 nothing belongs to them even if they bought it themselves from wages they earned because the actual wages they earn really belong to the PARENTS! Cute lil bit of info. So you can take away his computer and his Ipod. You can lock up his car and his cell phone.
I havent provided more than the basics for mine in so many years its not funny.
I dont know if I would take away the computer or not. I know I would take away the car simply because of the danger involved in driving under the influence. That scares the bejeebers out of me. I could live with almost anything but my kid having a car wreck where he was killed or killed someone else and I could have prevented it by taking the car. I would make driving difficult.
I havent responded to your post before because I really didnt know what to say to you. I know how hard it is to stand back and watch these kids self destruct. I have fought hard and put up all the road blocks imaginable for mine and it really didnt do one whit of good. Mine spent most of his teen years in some form of inpatient care facility away from home be it a group home, wilderness camp, psychiatric hospital or Residential Treatment Center (RTC).
One thing we were told is that until they are 18 nothing belongs to them even if they bought it themselves from wages they earned because the actual wages they earn really belong to the PARENTS! Cute lil bit of info. So you can take away his computer and his Ipod. You can lock up his car and his cell phone.
I havent provided more than the basics for mine in so many years its not funny.
I dont know if I would take away the computer or not. I know I would take away the car simply because of the danger involved in driving under the influence. That scares the bejeebers out of me. I could live with almost anything but my kid having a car wreck where he was killed or killed someone else and I could have prevented it by taking the car. I would make driving difficult.
I am new to this forum and this is the first time I have posted anything! Hello!
I read your post with a heavy heart. I did the same thing yesterday. I threw out my bipolar, oppositional, wild 18 year old daughter. I cried all night. I never thought it would be this way.
She had a psychiatry appointment. yesterday that I told her she must attend. She refused to go last week and it cost me $250 (that I don't have). She went - only to sleep in the car in the parking lot! I spent the hour with her psychiatric. who has been encouraging me for months to stop enabling her and practice some tough love. My daughter is a liar, manipulative, and does her own thing - all night long. She takes no responsibility for anything. So at the doctor's encouragement, I did it. I asked her to leave. She said we had been heading for this for months. It has been such a downward spiral.
Oh boy. So why do I hurt so much? It is so scary. Who would have thought? I worry about her so much. Even though she is quite resourceful and considered an adult.
My heart is with you. I know I have to stay tough and not just let her back in. But that is much easier said than done.
Good luck.
I read your post with a heavy heart. I did the same thing yesterday. I threw out my bipolar, oppositional, wild 18 year old daughter. I cried all night. I never thought it would be this way.
She had a psychiatry appointment. yesterday that I told her she must attend. She refused to go last week and it cost me $250 (that I don't have). She went - only to sleep in the car in the parking lot! I spent the hour with her psychiatric. who has been encouraging me for months to stop enabling her and practice some tough love. My daughter is a liar, manipulative, and does her own thing - all night long. She takes no responsibility for anything. So at the doctor's encouragement, I did it. I asked her to leave. She said we had been heading for this for months. It has been such a downward spiral.
Oh boy. So why do I hurt so much? It is so scary. Who would have thought? I worry about her so much. Even though she is quite resourceful and considered an adult.
My heart is with you. I know I have to stay tough and not just let her back in. But that is much easier said than done.
Good luck.
Big Bad Kitty
lolcat
Mikey & Ponygirl:
I think I invented "that's so gay", 25 years ago. Sorry about that.
PS Mikey:
CRIS?
:rofl:
I think I invented "that's so gay", 25 years ago. Sorry about that.
PS Mikey:
CRIS?
:rofl:
K
Kjs
Guest
Mikey,
I feel for you. I see myself doing exactly what you are doing. I am not in that situation, I am so desperately trying to stay one step ahead of difficult child. But, I see so much of myself in you.
BUT..in my situation husband is in denial about everything that goes on, and I am sure he will find some reason to justify anything difficult child does or will do. I tried turning things over to him..doesn't work when you can't reach him. So..I come home and take away the things that matter to difficult child. I pack up the computer, the ipod (which is his), all the game systems, his phone, charger, stereo..I packed it all up in big boxes and I stored it. Didn't let husband know where it was, didn't let easy child know where it was. Nobody could use the computer, but..tough.
After a week or so of "I'm sorry", "I understand", "I'll try" and after a week of difficult child being compliant he came home to find everything right back where it was. That was the end of the school year and things have been pretty ok this summer, except that he has no friends and is home alone everyday.
I would take those car keys, ipod, cell phone, computer and pack it all up. Follow the rules and earn it back. The ipod may be his..the house is yours. That may be drug tests, curfew, giving him a ride to work and picking him up. I say this, but I am not in your place.
I have several drug tests in the closet at home. difficult child knows it. He knows I use them when ever I feel like it. You see, difficult child was busted at school with pot (he bought it) when he was TEN. (6th grade) He went for a drug test and it came back clean. I never told him it was clean because he admitted to smoking. He went for random drug tests even blood draws about once ever six weeks or whenever I felt like taking him. All have come back clean.
I don't share with him the results. Thankfully, he chose to change the group of kids he was with. Most of which are in trouble with the law at this time (2 yrs. later)
Stay strong.
I feel for you. I see myself doing exactly what you are doing. I am not in that situation, I am so desperately trying to stay one step ahead of difficult child. But, I see so much of myself in you.
BUT..in my situation husband is in denial about everything that goes on, and I am sure he will find some reason to justify anything difficult child does or will do. I tried turning things over to him..doesn't work when you can't reach him. So..I come home and take away the things that matter to difficult child. I pack up the computer, the ipod (which is his), all the game systems, his phone, charger, stereo..I packed it all up in big boxes and I stored it. Didn't let husband know where it was, didn't let easy child know where it was. Nobody could use the computer, but..tough.
After a week or so of "I'm sorry", "I understand", "I'll try" and after a week of difficult child being compliant he came home to find everything right back where it was. That was the end of the school year and things have been pretty ok this summer, except that he has no friends and is home alone everyday.
I would take those car keys, ipod, cell phone, computer and pack it all up. Follow the rules and earn it back. The ipod may be his..the house is yours. That may be drug tests, curfew, giving him a ride to work and picking him up. I say this, but I am not in your place.
I have several drug tests in the closet at home. difficult child knows it. He knows I use them when ever I feel like it. You see, difficult child was busted at school with pot (he bought it) when he was TEN. (6th grade) He went for a drug test and it came back clean. I never told him it was clean because he admitted to smoking. He went for random drug tests even blood draws about once ever six weeks or whenever I felt like taking him. All have come back clean.
I don't share with him the results. Thankfully, he chose to change the group of kids he was with. Most of which are in trouble with the law at this time (2 yrs. later)
Stay strong.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">The calls are pretty much for the same reason. I don't call any more unless I have to. And when I know that his phone works, and that he's taking/making calls to/from his friends, and know he's deliberately ignoring my calls, it's almost like he's flipping me off six inches from my nose.
</div></div>
He is most definitely flipping you off and will continue to do until you are ready to take away the phone.
In the meantime, stop calling him. You aren't accomplishing anything.
I understand that your wife is not on the same page. Have you talked with her about making him responsible for paying for his own phone? That is something he should learn to do whether he is a difficult child or not. I know that you said that he is working. What does he do with his money? I have a feeling you know the answer to that. Why shouldn't he be paying for his own phone, gas, and insurance at the very least? Of course, in my opinion, he shouldn't be driving at all.
Mikey, running around looking for him isn't accomplishing anything either. It doesn't stop what he is doing. I understand the need since I was compulsive about checking on my difficult child's myspace page. I finally realized that it didn't change anything and it was just making me feel worse. When I finally stopped, I felt a great sense of relief.
You describe yourself as obsessive in your signature. I do think that is part of the problem here. I don't think you are overreacting in that your son is definitely up to no good. But I do think you are overinvolved and need to pull way back.
Easier said than done, though.
~Kathy
</div></div>
He is most definitely flipping you off and will continue to do until you are ready to take away the phone.
In the meantime, stop calling him. You aren't accomplishing anything.
I understand that your wife is not on the same page. Have you talked with her about making him responsible for paying for his own phone? That is something he should learn to do whether he is a difficult child or not. I know that you said that he is working. What does he do with his money? I have a feeling you know the answer to that. Why shouldn't he be paying for his own phone, gas, and insurance at the very least? Of course, in my opinion, he shouldn't be driving at all.
Mikey, running around looking for him isn't accomplishing anything either. It doesn't stop what he is doing. I understand the need since I was compulsive about checking on my difficult child's myspace page. I finally realized that it didn't change anything and it was just making me feel worse. When I finally stopped, I felt a great sense of relief.
You describe yourself as obsessive in your signature. I do think that is part of the problem here. I don't think you are overreacting in that your son is definitely up to no good. But I do think you are overinvolved and need to pull way back.
Easier said than done, though.
~Kathy
Mikey
Psycho Gorilla Dad
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Have you talked with her about making him responsible for paying for his own phone?</div></div>
He does pay for his own phone, and gas, and car, and insurance. The phone is on my family plan, though, which saves him a bunch of money. I financed his car for him, and he's on my insurance plan.
For quite a while, regardless of whatever other drama he inflicted on us, he kept up with his payments. Lately, though, he's fallen behind on paying his bills to us for his phone, his car, his insurance, etc. Add to that the fact that he's cut back on his work (leaves early whenever he can) and that most of his "extra" money goes to gas for driving the Pothead Posse around town.
He's been given 'till the end of the month to catch up. Otherwise whatever he's behind on get's "repo'ed" until the money is paid. His brother has a regular car loan with a bank, and if he missed two months payment they would repo it. Why should it be any different for McWeedy just because we financed it for him instead of a bank?
Yet another reason to get PO'd - he's paying (sort of), but I facilitated all these things he has. It's also another reason I wanted to shut off the phone and take the car when he ramped up the drama. I don't see any reason to make his life easier when he's making my life difficult.
Trying to get wife on the same page with this, i.e. forcing McWeedy to go get these things for himself, and see what it REALLY costs to have a phone, insurance, car, etc that isn't subsidized by being part of your parent's plans. Not there yet, but I have a better chance of getting consensus on that action than on taking everything away.
Mikey
He does pay for his own phone, and gas, and car, and insurance. The phone is on my family plan, though, which saves him a bunch of money. I financed his car for him, and he's on my insurance plan.
For quite a while, regardless of whatever other drama he inflicted on us, he kept up with his payments. Lately, though, he's fallen behind on paying his bills to us for his phone, his car, his insurance, etc. Add to that the fact that he's cut back on his work (leaves early whenever he can) and that most of his "extra" money goes to gas for driving the Pothead Posse around town.
He's been given 'till the end of the month to catch up. Otherwise whatever he's behind on get's "repo'ed" until the money is paid. His brother has a regular car loan with a bank, and if he missed two months payment they would repo it. Why should it be any different for McWeedy just because we financed it for him instead of a bank?
Yet another reason to get PO'd - he's paying (sort of), but I facilitated all these things he has. It's also another reason I wanted to shut off the phone and take the car when he ramped up the drama. I don't see any reason to make his life easier when he's making my life difficult.
Trying to get wife on the same page with this, i.e. forcing McWeedy to go get these things for himself, and see what it REALLY costs to have a phone, insurance, car, etc that isn't subsidized by being part of your parent's plans. Not there yet, but I have a better chance of getting consensus on that action than on taking everything away.
Mikey
Mikey
Psycho Gorilla Dad
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: TYLERFAN</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I repeat my question from previously......
Have you gone to a NA meeting yet?</div></div>
Yes and no. Been to several meetings with different groups, and heard the same things there that I hear on CD. I know you folks better, so I don't see the need to attend regularly. wife won't go at all - won't even think about it, nor will she allow me to bring any of the other kids with me.
Mikey
Have you gone to a NA meeting yet?</div></div>
Yes and no. Been to several meetings with different groups, and heard the same things there that I hear on CD. I know you folks better, so I don't see the need to attend regularly. wife won't go at all - won't even think about it, nor will she allow me to bring any of the other kids with me.
Mikey
