update on 22 year old bipolar who is difficult to live with
- Thread starter MrMike
- Start date
JKF
Well-Known Member
Wow MrMike! I can really sympathize with your journey! Your son is close in age to my son and his behaviors sound very similar. The rages, verbal abuse, destruction, violent outbursts, total lack of regard for any type of rules or structure. Ugggghhh!!! I know exactly how you are feeling. It's such a sad, lonely road to travel and I am constantly second guessing myself. I like what you said about listening to your gut. It's so true! The gut never lies. And thank you for sharing what your counselor said today. I am also going to heed that advice and start missing calls here and there and not responding immediately every single time difficult child tries to contact me. I sometimes feel like his puppet and I'm so tired of that. He, too, needs time to think about things and realize that I can't do this FOR him. That he needs to be responsible for his own life and actions. Thank you MrMike for sharing your feelings and experiences here. It really helps so much!
N
Nomad
Guest
I read a little of this thread earlier and your last post or two now and yes, I would say this is a tremendous victory!!! You are respecting your gut instincts, I think something myself and my guess others here have ignored from time to time with our difficult children...simply because it is so hard to have to do what we need to do.
If he is not wiling to follow the house rules, then so be it. You don't have to live in utter chaos and worse, likely violence and fear. Sounds like you got YOURSELF some help by seeing the therapist to validate your thoughts, feelings and actions. You actually are setting a good example for your son. You say what you mean and mean what you say. You take care of yourself and demonstrate that you expect to be treated appropriately, well and with respect.
No one is saying this stuff is easy! It might be the hardest thing (s) we've ever had to do. Sounds like your son accepted the "no," with grace. Perhaps you can get him food now and then or a gift certificate to the local food store and in time, help him to get food stamps, if he chooses to NOT help himself in a different way. Wishing you well.
If he is not wiling to follow the house rules, then so be it. You don't have to live in utter chaos and worse, likely violence and fear. Sounds like you got YOURSELF some help by seeing the therapist to validate your thoughts, feelings and actions. You actually are setting a good example for your son. You say what you mean and mean what you say. You take care of yourself and demonstrate that you expect to be treated appropriately, well and with respect.
No one is saying this stuff is easy! It might be the hardest thing (s) we've ever had to do. Sounds like your son accepted the "no," with grace. Perhaps you can get him food now and then or a gift certificate to the local food store and in time, help him to get food stamps, if he chooses to NOT help himself in a different way. Wishing you well.
JKF,
Very glad to hear what I shared helped. When I read your post, my heart went out to you. I read your words and knew exactly those feelings you mentioned. What you and I, RE, and others here go through is really and truly emotionally gut wrenching. What is helping me right now is focusing on my feelings when I think of letting my difficult child back in my house. I am very in touch with how he makes us feel when he is living here, which is pretty lousy (anxious, fearful, joyless, captive). I am finding that focusing on this aspect of my situation drowns out those twangs of my heart-strings I get when I wonder where my difficult child is and how he is faring. Dont know if this is a mind-trick or if there really is something to this coping-mechanism, but it is working for me right now. Plus, I know that him being here and mistreating and disrespecting everyone just cant be right, and this helps ease my concerns about him also.
Keep posting JKF, and I will also. Take in all the excellent advice and understanding and hugs from everyone here. We are lucky to have so many caring and thoughtful people on this site. Thank God for them. Again, know that myself and others here are praying for you and your family. God Bless.
Very glad to hear what I shared helped. When I read your post, my heart went out to you. I read your words and knew exactly those feelings you mentioned. What you and I, RE, and others here go through is really and truly emotionally gut wrenching. What is helping me right now is focusing on my feelings when I think of letting my difficult child back in my house. I am very in touch with how he makes us feel when he is living here, which is pretty lousy (anxious, fearful, joyless, captive). I am finding that focusing on this aspect of my situation drowns out those twangs of my heart-strings I get when I wonder where my difficult child is and how he is faring. Dont know if this is a mind-trick or if there really is something to this coping-mechanism, but it is working for me right now. Plus, I know that him being here and mistreating and disrespecting everyone just cant be right, and this helps ease my concerns about him also.
Keep posting JKF, and I will also. Take in all the excellent advice and understanding and hugs from everyone here. We are lucky to have so many caring and thoughtful people on this site. Thank God for them. Again, know that myself and others here are praying for you and your family. God Bless.
Well, now its time to put my money where my mouth is. My son has been kicked out for about a week and a half now, and the other day I got a call from one of the young adults who live at the house where he has been staying. They said my son is really not doing well and they are concerned. He has been sitting in the basement the last three days staring at the wall, not interacting with the other people who live in the house. They are concerned because recently, another young man was staying at this house and was doing the same types of things, and ended up kind of having a nervous breakdown, and being hospitalized. He ended up being diagnosed with schizophrenia.
So, I called the house, asked to speak to my son, and asked him what was going on with him, because his friends said they were concerned about his behavior. He said "well, I'm homeless Dad". I then told him I understood, but that he was not homeless. And that if he would agree to follow our house rules, he was welcome back in our house. He then said with a sarcastic tone that the rules were simple and reasonable, and that he was going to take some time to think about them. And that they were so simple that it was obvious that anyone should be able to follow them.
He then said goodbye (well, he actually sort of hung up on me), and that was that. I later called back, and spoke to the young adult who had originally called me and was concerned for Sean. I told him that I was going to call some places and get more information on what to do about this situation. I mean, I am scared about this situation. Obviously, I dont want to risk that my son might hurt himself due to his current condition (very depressed). But, I also know that if I go rescue him from his predicament, that I would only be playing into his game of getting what he wants, and allowing him back into the house without him changing his attitude. I spoke to the NAMI person for my county here in Massachusetts about this. I also spoke to someone at the local crisis center as well. They both thought that I should stick to my guns and not rescue him, but to also monitor the situation by checking in frequently with the person at the house who contacted me out of concern for my son. And that is what I am doing.
But, it's hard ... very hard. I think about him all the time, and I wonder how he's doing. I was doing well just focusing on how much better it was at home without him there causing problems, but getting that phone call has unnerved me a bit. I just dont want anything to happen to him, obviously, but bringing him back home without him changing his tune is not a desirable situation either. As you all know, it hurts when they (your difficult child) hurts, even if they really need to suffer a bit in order to learn from their mistakes. I wish he would just "see the light", realize that it is wrong to treat us they way he has been treating us, apologize, and come back home. But, that is his choice, and not mine. I cannot control any of this, I am helpless in this situation. I hate that feeling of being helpless, hoping he'll wise up, and see where he has gone wrong, and change for the better.
But, that might not happen for awhile, or never, I dont know. I pray for him everyday. As my counselor says, "When the pain exceeds the gain, that is when people are motivated to change". I hope the pain exceeds the gain for him soon.
Thanks for listening.
MrMike
So, I called the house, asked to speak to my son, and asked him what was going on with him, because his friends said they were concerned about his behavior. He said "well, I'm homeless Dad". I then told him I understood, but that he was not homeless. And that if he would agree to follow our house rules, he was welcome back in our house. He then said with a sarcastic tone that the rules were simple and reasonable, and that he was going to take some time to think about them. And that they were so simple that it was obvious that anyone should be able to follow them.
He then said goodbye (well, he actually sort of hung up on me), and that was that. I later called back, and spoke to the young adult who had originally called me and was concerned for Sean. I told him that I was going to call some places and get more information on what to do about this situation. I mean, I am scared about this situation. Obviously, I dont want to risk that my son might hurt himself due to his current condition (very depressed). But, I also know that if I go rescue him from his predicament, that I would only be playing into his game of getting what he wants, and allowing him back into the house without him changing his attitude. I spoke to the NAMI person for my county here in Massachusetts about this. I also spoke to someone at the local crisis center as well. They both thought that I should stick to my guns and not rescue him, but to also monitor the situation by checking in frequently with the person at the house who contacted me out of concern for my son. And that is what I am doing.
But, it's hard ... very hard. I think about him all the time, and I wonder how he's doing. I was doing well just focusing on how much better it was at home without him there causing problems, but getting that phone call has unnerved me a bit. I just dont want anything to happen to him, obviously, but bringing him back home without him changing his tune is not a desirable situation either. As you all know, it hurts when they (your difficult child) hurts, even if they really need to suffer a bit in order to learn from their mistakes. I wish he would just "see the light", realize that it is wrong to treat us they way he has been treating us, apologize, and come back home. But, that is his choice, and not mine. I cannot control any of this, I am helpless in this situation. I hate that feeling of being helpless, hoping he'll wise up, and see where he has gone wrong, and change for the better.
But, that might not happen for awhile, or never, I dont know. I pray for him everyday. As my counselor says, "When the pain exceeds the gain, that is when people are motivated to change". I hope the pain exceeds the gain for him soon.
Thanks for listening.
MrMike
MrMike, I am sorry, I understand your feelings exactly. The NAMI counselor and the crisis center person both gave you very sound advice..................however, right or not, it still hurts. That's what's so challenging about detachment, it hurts us parents like the dickens. Helplessness........ powerlessness is VERY hard to adjust to and accept.
Let me tell you this story MrMike. Two years ago, when my adult daughter was cast out of her couch surfing experience and was on occasion living in her car, I couldn't imagine even sleeping at night not knowing if she was safe. I spent countless weeks/months completely freaked. We went down many roads, her staying here, her living in her car, her living in various weird situations...........I thought I would implode from fear, anger, resentment, worry, anguish............I feel as if I went through every conceivable emotion one can go through. I had a lot of support and that was the factor which turned it all around.
A few weeks ago, my daughter's roommate called early on a Sat. morning......... 1:30 AM, awakened me from a sound sleep to her frantic, angry, upset voice explaining that my difficult child borrowed her car at 4 PM supposedly for 20 minutes and she wasn't home yet, missing 9 1/2 hours........ the roommate was furious and wanted me to call my difficult child, which I did, to tell her that her roommate was going to call the police and report the car stolen. I listened, did what she asked, left a message on my difficult child's voice mail and went back to sleep. Amazingly, I didn't go into that dark, horrid place we parents go in the night.........when all the fears and demons surface.
The roommate phoned me at 10 AM on Saturday morning to let me know that my difficult child had not surfaced yet, and now instead of frantic and angry, she was very worried. Remarkably, I said to her, " she is likely sleeping somewhere and has lost track of time." Part of my difficult child's m.o.----- no regard for others, no perception of time, sleeping at odd hours and never keeping her word. I asked the roommate to call me when my difficult child surfaced. I had been the person who waited and worried like that roommate did........... many, many, many times with my daughter. I was not going to give up more of my life worrying, I had somehow moved beyond that.
SO and I went to a street festival for the day. I did not stay at home ruminating, worrying, flipping out about what my daughter was up to, I had done that for what felt like decades. SO and I had a good day. I didn't think too much about my daughter, my thoughts were if something dire had taken place, I would certainly know about it soon enough. We got home at 6 to a message from my daughter, crying, saying she ran out of gas, her phone died and she slept in the car. Really, exactly 'more of the same.'
The difference was ME. I just didn't engage in the drama. I had learned that if disaster really strikes, I will find out and I will deal with it then. All the worrying, all the sleepless nights, all the fear I felt, all the suffering I did, didn't change anything at all, except steal more moments of my own life. I got to a point where I simply refused to do that anymore.
I hope you don't have to continue going through this with your son...........I hope he straightens out and you guys can have as normal a relationship as possible. However, if you do go down a similar path as I have, as time goes by, as you continue keeping yourself well supported, as you detach and learn to accept what you cannot change, you, like me, will get to the point where you just don't engage in the insanity, the drama, all that you can't control and can't fix or change. Once you get there, life gets WAY more peaceful and light. I NEVER in a million years thought I could actually get there, but I did and so can you. Sending you good thoughts and wishes for your comfort and peace.
Let me tell you this story MrMike. Two years ago, when my adult daughter was cast out of her couch surfing experience and was on occasion living in her car, I couldn't imagine even sleeping at night not knowing if she was safe. I spent countless weeks/months completely freaked. We went down many roads, her staying here, her living in her car, her living in various weird situations...........I thought I would implode from fear, anger, resentment, worry, anguish............I feel as if I went through every conceivable emotion one can go through. I had a lot of support and that was the factor which turned it all around.
A few weeks ago, my daughter's roommate called early on a Sat. morning......... 1:30 AM, awakened me from a sound sleep to her frantic, angry, upset voice explaining that my difficult child borrowed her car at 4 PM supposedly for 20 minutes and she wasn't home yet, missing 9 1/2 hours........ the roommate was furious and wanted me to call my difficult child, which I did, to tell her that her roommate was going to call the police and report the car stolen. I listened, did what she asked, left a message on my difficult child's voice mail and went back to sleep. Amazingly, I didn't go into that dark, horrid place we parents go in the night.........when all the fears and demons surface.
The roommate phoned me at 10 AM on Saturday morning to let me know that my difficult child had not surfaced yet, and now instead of frantic and angry, she was very worried. Remarkably, I said to her, " she is likely sleeping somewhere and has lost track of time." Part of my difficult child's m.o.----- no regard for others, no perception of time, sleeping at odd hours and never keeping her word. I asked the roommate to call me when my difficult child surfaced. I had been the person who waited and worried like that roommate did........... many, many, many times with my daughter. I was not going to give up more of my life worrying, I had somehow moved beyond that.
SO and I went to a street festival for the day. I did not stay at home ruminating, worrying, flipping out about what my daughter was up to, I had done that for what felt like decades. SO and I had a good day. I didn't think too much about my daughter, my thoughts were if something dire had taken place, I would certainly know about it soon enough. We got home at 6 to a message from my daughter, crying, saying she ran out of gas, her phone died and she slept in the car. Really, exactly 'more of the same.'
The difference was ME. I just didn't engage in the drama. I had learned that if disaster really strikes, I will find out and I will deal with it then. All the worrying, all the sleepless nights, all the fear I felt, all the suffering I did, didn't change anything at all, except steal more moments of my own life. I got to a point where I simply refused to do that anymore.
I hope you don't have to continue going through this with your son...........I hope he straightens out and you guys can have as normal a relationship as possible. However, if you do go down a similar path as I have, as time goes by, as you continue keeping yourself well supported, as you detach and learn to accept what you cannot change, you, like me, will get to the point where you just don't engage in the insanity, the drama, all that you can't control and can't fix or change. Once you get there, life gets WAY more peaceful and light. I NEVER in a million years thought I could actually get there, but I did and so can you. Sending you good thoughts and wishes for your comfort and peace.
Aud, go into the forum you want to post in, look to the upper right hand corner where it will say new thread, click on that and you will open a window where you can start your own thread. Welcome!
Aud, upper right hand corner in whatever forum you want to post in, says, new thread, click on that and it will bring up your own thread.
I'm so sorry. The expression ' when the pain exceeds the gain' then you see change makes complete sense. My ace up my sleeve when my daughter is very unreasonable is to have her old friend from childhood who is mentally stable call her and calm her down , cheer up and then very gently review the situation...in this case she would say something like 'you know, those house rules seem fine to me! What a good deal!'
Sadly, even if you got him to agree to the house rules and come home, that would be good and in some way an improvement, but .... Well... You know... Best wishes....we understand...profoundly tough
Make a point to participate fully in the good parts of your life.
Sadly, even if you got him to agree to the house rules and come home, that would be good and in some way an improvement, but .... Well... You know... Best wishes....we understand...profoundly tough
Make a point to participate fully in the good parts of your life.
greenstockings
Member
I just read this whole thread and can empathize with the OP. I understand completely how he feels. My son is about the same age, and while he has rarely been physically destructive, he has always refused to be cooperative with life in general and has made me wonder what was wrong with him from toddlerhood. Even as a very small child his rages were far too intense and frequent to chalk up to "terrible twos." We just kicked him out a couple of weeks ago. He blames me for the "sh*tty situation" he's in (couch surfing with friends). He told one friend's mother some outlandish tale about having recently acquired a job out-of-state and was trying to set up transportation to move there when we threw him out. We never gave him a chance to tell us about it, apparently. ::rollseyes::
Anyhow, a friend of mine posted something on Facebook a while back that I make myself think of when I'm fretting too much. He said, "Don’t waste energy worrying. If what you worry about happens, then you’ve worried and suffered twice. If it doesn’t happen then you’ve worried and suffered for nothing."
Anyhow, a friend of mine posted something on Facebook a while back that I make myself think of when I'm fretting too much. He said, "Don’t waste energy worrying. If what you worry about happens, then you’ve worried and suffered twice. If it doesn’t happen then you’ve worried and suffered for nothing."
