katya02
Solace
difficult child moved out at the beginning of May, to live with his girlfriend and her mother (!) in a tiny apartment in town. He had a job at the time although only about 12 hours/week; he'd been saying since December that he was on the verge of getting FT hours. However, his girlfriend, who is a manager where he was working, told us that only managers get FT there! This is so typical of difficult child - I don't know if he doesn't understand what he hears, or just tells us what he thinks we want to hear, or is such a wishful thinker that he believes it himself. He had also worked himself into hating his job through the spring and complained about every shift (stocking a convenience store at night, making sandwiches, ringing up purchases).
He was very happy with girlfriend and her mother, and then in June he admitted he'd quit his job. He said he and girlfriend were in trouble because staff weren't supposed to date, and girlfriend was about to get fired so he did the noble thing and quit to save her job. Sounds heroic except that his manager was astonished that he was quitting. Doesn't sound to me like girlfriend was on the skids, it sounds like he talked himself into an excuse to quit. So he's been unemployed since, and hasn't exactly been pounding the pavement to find work. He's put in a resume at one or two places but hasn't followed up on some leads I phoned him with. He hasn't applied for benefits because girlfriend's mother won't 'let' him use that address, as then she would see a decrease in her own benefits (her daughter doesn't officially live there either). He doesn't apply for jobs because the mother, who doesn't have a license, supposedly uses girlfriend's car all day (girlfriend works nights). I told him to walk to his interviews, or figure out how to use the bus! He has lost his social security card. He now has his passport as job app ID, and it's his only proof of citizenship. He was born in Canada and naturalized with us, but the passport is his only proof. If/when that goes missing it's big trouble.
This is all his business, of course. If his girlfriend is willing to put up with this, and she seems to be, so be it. But ... he's now down to $100 in the bank. He still has three $50 payments on his fine from his drug charges last year. So he's in trouble even if his girlfriend totally supports his living expenses (on her $22,000 salary). He sleeps all day and stays up all night - obviously not a recipe for finding a job. He always sounds dull - not drunk, not high, just not as with-it as he used to be. I know he's buying some alcohol now that he's turned 21 (in June) and don't know what else he's doing. So he may be deep back into drugs and alcohol, although he's never been drunk or high when he's come by the house. He looks very scruffy, hair is clean but not cut, he's put on weight so hardly has any clothes that fit - not a likely looking job prospect! The up side is he's very affectionate toward his girlfriend and she seems delighted to be with him. She's older than he is, seems nice, is a hard worker, and I think is very happy to have the male company. I feel bad for her though, as he is definitely not holding up his share of things.
So I'm waiting for the big crisis. Or maybe there won't be one, maybe girlfriend will just pay his way to keep him there. I just don't know how to understand the dull, total non-initiative mental state he's in, though. At the moment he looks like he couldn't hold a job. He adamantly refuses to ever see a doctor again and medications honestly haven't helped him before. So far husband says it's all difficult child's business and he'll have to figure it out, which is good. But it'll be very hard for both of us to watch difficult child get kicked out, be on the street, or be picked up for not paying his fines. I don't know that I could watch him go to jail for $150 when so many people are never even charged for decades of marijuana use ... the inconsistency in enforcement drives me crazy.
Anyway ... trying to stay detached. Maybe difficult child will make it easier if he makes comments like he did earlier this summer, saying he's worried because he has no place to go, and he certainly isn't coming HERE (meaning home). Sounds good to me, but when the rubber hits the road I think his laziness will bring him here looking for a bed.
I really appreciate reading others' experiences in this type of situation. I am always bowled over by the combination of love and detachment that people can achieve. That's what I'm striving for.
He was very happy with girlfriend and her mother, and then in June he admitted he'd quit his job. He said he and girlfriend were in trouble because staff weren't supposed to date, and girlfriend was about to get fired so he did the noble thing and quit to save her job. Sounds heroic except that his manager was astonished that he was quitting. Doesn't sound to me like girlfriend was on the skids, it sounds like he talked himself into an excuse to quit. So he's been unemployed since, and hasn't exactly been pounding the pavement to find work. He's put in a resume at one or two places but hasn't followed up on some leads I phoned him with. He hasn't applied for benefits because girlfriend's mother won't 'let' him use that address, as then she would see a decrease in her own benefits (her daughter doesn't officially live there either). He doesn't apply for jobs because the mother, who doesn't have a license, supposedly uses girlfriend's car all day (girlfriend works nights). I told him to walk to his interviews, or figure out how to use the bus! He has lost his social security card. He now has his passport as job app ID, and it's his only proof of citizenship. He was born in Canada and naturalized with us, but the passport is his only proof. If/when that goes missing it's big trouble.
This is all his business, of course. If his girlfriend is willing to put up with this, and she seems to be, so be it. But ... he's now down to $100 in the bank. He still has three $50 payments on his fine from his drug charges last year. So he's in trouble even if his girlfriend totally supports his living expenses (on her $22,000 salary). He sleeps all day and stays up all night - obviously not a recipe for finding a job. He always sounds dull - not drunk, not high, just not as with-it as he used to be. I know he's buying some alcohol now that he's turned 21 (in June) and don't know what else he's doing. So he may be deep back into drugs and alcohol, although he's never been drunk or high when he's come by the house. He looks very scruffy, hair is clean but not cut, he's put on weight so hardly has any clothes that fit - not a likely looking job prospect! The up side is he's very affectionate toward his girlfriend and she seems delighted to be with him. She's older than he is, seems nice, is a hard worker, and I think is very happy to have the male company. I feel bad for her though, as he is definitely not holding up his share of things.
So I'm waiting for the big crisis. Or maybe there won't be one, maybe girlfriend will just pay his way to keep him there. I just don't know how to understand the dull, total non-initiative mental state he's in, though. At the moment he looks like he couldn't hold a job. He adamantly refuses to ever see a doctor again and medications honestly haven't helped him before. So far husband says it's all difficult child's business and he'll have to figure it out, which is good. But it'll be very hard for both of us to watch difficult child get kicked out, be on the street, or be picked up for not paying his fines. I don't know that I could watch him go to jail for $150 when so many people are never even charged for decades of marijuana use ... the inconsistency in enforcement drives me crazy.
Anyway ... trying to stay detached. Maybe difficult child will make it easier if he makes comments like he did earlier this summer, saying he's worried because he has no place to go, and he certainly isn't coming HERE (meaning home). Sounds good to me, but when the rubber hits the road I think his laziness will bring him here looking for a bed.
I really appreciate reading others' experiences in this type of situation. I am always bowled over by the combination of love and detachment that people can achieve. That's what I'm striving for.
