Update on Difficult Child

[ksm]

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that she planned to go to Louisiana with a FB guy friend. He did drive to our state for Thanksgiving and she left with him yesterday. I woke up to a text that they made it to his home safely.

He was in town two or three days. She never once brought the guy to our home to introduce him or to her dads house, even though I heard him ask to meet him and she said sure.

So today, she calls, sounded chatty and happy. He and his friend has a nice apartment. "Oh, and by the way... Can you go out to dads and search my car and see if you can find my drivers license? Or maybe it's at Skye's house..." Could you find it and mail it to me?"

So she is there, with no ID on her. Sigh. Let's hope he is a decent person.

KSM

 

[AppleCori]

Oh, wow, it really happened.

I was hoping that nothing really came of it, and it was all just talk and no action.

Well, it sounds like things are going OK with her for now.

Is this her version of running off to Colorado like most D Cs do?

Is she planning to come back in a month?

 

[A dad]

If in USA you have no driver license because of reasons what other ID you have?
There must be other ID types or else it will mean only drivers could vote.

 

[AppleCori]

There are state-issued IDs, but she would probably need something with her name on it like a birth certificate or other document to prove she is who she claims to be.

 

[ksm]

Yep...I can't get her a new license with out her being here, and she couldn't get a new one in that state with out papers from home, and usually they want mail, with your name and address to prove you are a resident there.

I will drive out to her dads during daylight time tomorrow and search. My younger daughter said her car is trashed... Who knows what I will find. at least it's not locked...which she forgot to do.
KSM

 

[Kalahou]

Dear Ksm,

Maybe it’s now time to stop doing all things to cover for her mishaps. She has continued to slip up on various things over and over, and it always comes back to you to try to fix it and repair it someway. If she always has you to call on, she has no reason or motive to ever learn to do or be responsible for herself? Why should she? She has you.

It appears you cannot help her as readily now, since she is in a different place. I gather you are still going to look for her license (and what else is she missing?), but if you don’t find it, maybe this is the time to get the message across for her to work things out herself ~ to shock her more or less into the reality of life. Put the burden on her. She needs to learn to do it.

To get her started, you could tell her you looked online for information, and you can send her the websites that explain procedures and contact info on how she can get her own birth certificate, and how to get a replacement SSA card, and state ID for the state she is living in.

Also, send the website that explains procedures and contact info regarding how to get her replacement drivers license. She will likely first have to get her replacement license, in order to have that as a picture ID to get her birth certificate and SS card and state ID card. (I don't how or if there is a way for her to request the replacement license by mail, for them to send her a replacement license by mail to her address of record (yours?) and then you mail it to her (?)

If she really is not able to get any ID, and finds she needs to return home (by finding her own way) in order to get a replacement license, then the seriousness of the situation may sink in for her to be more responsible herself (since others (you) can not / will not cover for her and take care of it for her forever.)

Tell her to take care of it herself. This "turning point" may surprise her that you are telling her to do it herself, but she must start sometime. Why delay it? She shouldn't have the freedom of trying to think she is acting like an adult, being out of your house and doing what she pleases, and then still be able to have you fix everything for her when she messes up.

I hope this does not sound harsh, Ksm. But this new development all sounds like “rinse … repeat” over and over. I know you are so frustrated and exhausted from it all, but it looks like there is no need for her to step up to the plate, as long as you keep covering her tracks.

I empathize with you. Take heart. We are here for you and understand.

 

[ksm]

If the license is not in the car, I will tell her she will have to deal with it. She will be back by Christmas, if things go as planned, as he has family he will be coming back to see.

I can't imagine that she could get copies of records sent to her in 3+ weeks. So she might as well wait til she comes back. I have no idea if she will return with him after Christmas... I don't know that either one of them knows either.

I know it's morbid...but if something would happen to her, if she had an ID, I could at least be notified.

KSM

 

[Copabanana]

I do not like the disrespect she shows you and her Dad. I understand why you are doing it, getting the ID, I just question if it is the best course...I question myself, too. All of the time.

I understand you are getting the ID to her for your sake, as much as hers. Except I agree with Kalahou:

Maybe it’s now time to stop doing all things to cover for her mishaps

If she always has you to call on, she has no reason or motive to ever learn to do or be responsible for herself? Why should she? She has you.

Where does it stop? My son has lost maybe 2 dozen IDs, multiple passports, multiple social security cards. I refuse to relinquish the copy of the latter document that I have, nor will I give him my copy of his birth certificate.

You may mail this one. But if she loses it within 2 weeks?

We need to get it through our heads: there is not one thing we can do to keep them safe, that they cannot undue within the next hour. Make that 30 minutes.

To get her started, you could tell her you looked online for information, and you can send her the websites

I think this is a good idea. I wish I had thought of it.

 

[ksm]

I agree...I am not putting out extra effort... If the drivers license is there, I will send it (then I will have the address...which I don't have now). I will not mail her birth certificate. I am not even going to look up how to get what she needs, if I don't find it. She can wait til she is back in our state.

If she comes back and stays here, her car tags will be expired and she will no longer have car ins as it runs out in 12 days. She has no money. Maybe if she gets Christmas cash she might have enough... But she will have to get a job to keep gas in it.

It's just hard not to worry...

KSM

 

[Childofmine]

Oh KSM, the stuff they do and put us through.

It's so hard to stop "helping" because we love them. It's also a relief, sometimes, to have them gone for a while. I know it finally was for me. I worried about his safety, but I didn't have him in my face listening and watching to his bs and obsessing about it all. I hope you can claim some peace for yourself...carve it out...while she is gone.

Because she'll be back. Again and again and again.

Hang in there and keep us posted. Warm hugs.

 

[ksm]

Ok, so I went to my sons home, and looked thru her car, actually I dug thru the trash in her car. I was worried what itmight be like, so I took three garbage bags. Large bags. Two bags are now filled with clothes, shoes, belts, mail, other people's clothes, children's clothes, shoes, jackets, a bed spread, a fuzzy throw blanket... If I had had a 4th bag, it would have been full too. I don't know how many water bottles, fast food drinks and wrappers, but it filled a big trash bag. Many containers still had food and drinks in them. Ugg... Plus I found several prescriptions that I helped her get when she was sick. It looks like she barely took any of them!

I sent her a text that I didn't find her drivers license, but I did find the BCBS insurance card I had given her and told her she needed to carry with her. She texted back did I look on the floor? When I went, you couldn't see the floor!! I texted back that after I filled up the trash bags I could see the floor and still didn't find it. Her reply, "Oh". Haven't heard anything else from her. She can wait til she gets home to either find it or replace it.

I can ask her dad to look around his house. I think he is glad she isn't leaving messes at his place, too. I hope she can find someone who she is willing to try and be better for...

KSM

 

[Echolette]

KSM,

thank you for the update. I hope you can rest easy now, that you have done what you can. You did a lot by cleaning out the car for her...my mom used to do stuff like that for me too. My older sister has a severly autistic, 450 pound 7 foot tall adult son...her car gets super messy too, and when she comes to visit I attack it with a garbage bag, because I know she just doesn't get a chance and that it shames her. That being said...try not to do for her the things she can do herself. You looked for the license. It wasn't there. That was generous of you. Now she'll have to figure it out. I personally draw a line at doing online research that they could just as easily be doing...I would just tell her she can look up online how to get a replacement license. But that is me. You may want to send her instructions for that. It is up to you...but try to stop at the place where helping feels good, like I feel when I clean my sisters car, and maybe like you felt when you cleaned your daughters car. When it starts to feel like a burden it is time to stop.

Hugs today,

Echo

 

[Snow White]

KSM, glad to hear the update. Sorry your daughter had you on a run-around for her license - plus the added work of cleaning out her car (and finding things like her prescriptions, which you helped her get but she didn't use). I'd be mad.

It's so hard to stop "helping" because we love them. It's also a relief, sometimes, to have them gone for a while.

Because she'll be back. Again and again and again.

Sometimes, I think that "distance" has its advantages. But then again sometimes I get caught trying to "fix" things from afar. Mine had her passport AND birth certificate stolen when in Asia and I had to rush around to the government offices here to get a rush copy of her birth certificate so a new emergency passport could be ordered (both paid for by me). She had taken the original birth certificate from our house years ago. When I noticed that it was missing, I confronted her and told her it was the only original copy - that notarized copies could be made but to leave the original intact. Nope. It was HERS and she was keeping it. Never again. If she loses or has anything stolen, she's on her own. I'll give her the phone # for the embassy but that's as far as I will go.

I hope that maybe now you can take some time to relax and rejuvenate - do something really nice for YOU! It's only a few weeks until Christmas and she returns - you never know what drama that will bring. Until then, I hope she will be safe.

Hugs and prayers to you.

 

[ksm]

Another update... She called today, wants me and her sister to go to her dads house tonight, after 6:30 and do a video chat...I guess by looking around her room while on video...she can tell us where to look. Ugghh... She says it's because he may want to fly the both of the, back for Holdidays...and she can't fly without an ID. She also said she can't go anywhere with out proof she is 18. I am guessing bars and clubs...

We have to wait til after 6:30 when her guy friend is home from work and then she has wifi so she can video chat with her sister.

I am thinking about sending her her birth certificate and letting her deal with all of this...

But...she also called her sister and was talking to her about how cute the her friends room mate is. And he is 30. (Shaking my head). They both work at the same place... But not always the same hours. So I am thinking they are at home alone at different times. This is not going to end well.

KSM

 

[ksm]

Found it! Well, my son found it wedged between the seat and console.

Now that that problem is done...I can wait for the next crisis. LOL.

Ksm