Update on SS

[InsaneCdn]

Load parental control software onto that computer, so you can see continuously what he is linking to. This will report items done under "inPrivate" sessions, which don't show up on history.

Parental control software would enable you to disable porn, and other sites and software. Not without reactions from the difficult child, though... (been there done that)

Could your husband file paperwork on this kid based on experiences in your home? rather than waiting for biomom? Obviously, it's in the best interest of the child, to find some way to break this cycle.

 

[scaredofhim]

We are looking into parental control software, but bio mom doesn't want parental control software on his laptop because if she doesn't let him have his way he gets more violent. And so I am sure she will not want us to put anything on his laptop to to prevent him from doing whatever he wants to to on the computer because that will make him angry. We cannot file the unruly child paperwork because we do not have custody of him. (Nor do we want custody) However if he gets violent with either husband or myself while he is with us every other weekend we can call the police to come and get him. And it may come to that the way things are going....

 

[InsaneCdn]

You don't have to prevent anything, if that is going to be a problem. But it DOES provide far better logging of activity than "history" does. Gives you times, trends, etc. Even just being able to document what all is going on, is significant. I set it up this way for husband... with his consent, of course, in this case... all I blocked for him was porn and gambling, because he has no interest and doesn't want to "fall into" some site unexpectedly. But I find it most useful for figuring out what happened when we get crashes etc. - who was on that day, doing what?

 

[scaredofhim]

Even if it doesn't prevent anything SS will be angered by the mere presence of the software, unfortunately. But we do need to know what is going on.

 

[BusynMember]

He is gaming on the computer. Gaming is all he cares about and he is severely addicted to it. He does other things on the computer as well like Skype with people he barely knows. As for porn, I am not sure. I told husband we need to take his laptop and look at the history and see what we can find because SS never deletes his history.....

Normally I'd agree that you should monitor him, but since he gets dangerous when he is angry, I'd let your husband do what he wants to do and have him deal with it. It's his son, not yours, and you and your pup shouldn't be hurt because both of his parents won't take action.
Would your husband be willing to call CPS for help? He can as easily do it as she can. And, actually, if he is dangerous, so can you. I understand how you don't want to cause trouble, but he needs a safe place to stay and you need a safe place to live, without him being there. He isn't getting any younger or smaller. It could get even worse. I wouldn't provoke him against you.

 

[Confused]

I would also be careful and agree with MidwestMom, tracking the computer is needed but at what price if he blows up and hurts an animal or you all. It a hard choice I understand but his mom is going to have to get on board to help him.

 

[scaredofhim]

Last night was horrible. Bio mom called us at 10:45PM just as we were getting ready to go to bed. Apparently she had been fighting with SS all evening over charges she found on her credit card bill that SS charged for gaming related things online. He denied it of course. It was for hundreds of dollars and this isn't the first time. She was trying to take away his laptop in the middle of him denying he charged the stuff. This is not the first time he has used one of her credit card numbers to get funds for memberships on all these different gaming sites. She already had to call the credit card company and report fraudulent charges for the other card that he charged stuff on. Anyway he was screaming at the top of his lungs, hitting her, telling her if she takes his electronics he is going to kill himself. The psychiatrist said when we met with him that if SS gets violent, the options are to bring him to the hospital for crisis intervention, or call law enforcement. And bio mom doesn't want to call the cops. And last night even my husband said that he didn't really want the cops called because if SS winds up in juvie then we have lost him forever. The reason husband is having this change of opinion about calling the police is because everyone has been telling husband that juvie is horrible and that if SS has to go there it will ruin him even further and he will never have a normal life. I tried to point out that doing nothing at all is going to turn out the same way, because he will get violent and hurt someone badly and then there will be no choice but to call the police and he will be taken away anyway. I don't understand why bio mom can't see it and now why my husband can't see it. Bio mom doesn't want to take him to the hospital because she claims she can't afford it but she makes six figures and has excellent insurance, so I am not buying that excuse. She was screaming at SS on the phone, SS was screaming back at her and husband, husband was having to practically yell to try and talk to either one of him and husband was really upset when we finally got off the phone with bio mom. He said maybe he should just take SS and get a place to live with him somewhere else so no one else will have to deal with him. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach when he said that. I was speechless, hurt, and haven't slept all night. SS has already run his mom's husband off and they are divorced now. I am not about to lose my marriage because of SS. I don't know how I can get husband to realize that taking SS somewhere else to live and trying to parent him is not going to solve the problem because he is mentally ill and he is beyond what normal parenting can do. He needs to be in residential treatment or a therapeutic foster home and parented from a distance. I am feeling so lost and hurt this morning. After God, I put my husband first priority in my life. And after he said what he did to me last night, I don't feel like he is putting me first if he is willing to leave our home and live with SS somewhere else, which we cannot even afford. I pray to God he didn't mean what he said and just said it out of frustration at the situation. Midwest Mom, how can CPS help? I think the prosecutor did give that to bio mom as another option but of course she hasn't done that either. Someone please talk to me today because I am in tears this morning. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

 

[BusynMember]

Hon, you are a good person, strong with a great heart. I say this very gently. When people adopt those with kids, even problem kids, the parent usually puts the child first. Your husband is still under the illusion that he can change his son. Although he is still young, his son is really damaged. In my opinion in seeing kids like this, his son has already gone too long without help or real consequences for crimes. He is likely going to end up dangerous and in jail. But your husband wants to believe he won't. That is nothing against you; it is a problem he will have to face probably forever, and learn to deal with it. So will you if you and your husband stay together.

I think your husband's idea is a safe one. I don't think it would last too long though. The child you describe is so out of control that normal parenting consequences, such as removing the laptop, will not only not help him but will make him worse and more of a danger. He has already stolen many times. He does not learn from his mistakes because he doesn't care about them. He just wants what he wants and will get what he wants no matter how wrong it is. He knows it's wrong but has no respect for the rights of others. In an adult, these traits are seen as antisocial personality disorder. He is in a very bad place and since he isn't interested in pleasing his parents, how can anyone control what he does? He will likely end up in juvie hall anyways. Soon he will do something to somebody and it will be out of his parent's hands.

 

[scaredofhim]

Midwest Mom, I totally agree with you about how SS is going to end up. With no intervention, it is just a matter of time. And while my husband's idea may be a safe one, as I said earlier it is really not economically possible for him to move elsewhere with SS for even a short period of time. We cannot afford to maintain two households even for a short time and we only have one car. I really think he just said it out of frustration at the situation last night. It was very emotional and he was feeling helpless I am sure.

 

[BusynMember]

Somebody really needs to step up and get this boy help before he's a teenager. Even if somebody who is non-custodial, like your husband or yourself, call CPS for help and explain what this boy does, he could get help and you could both get respite. Doing nothing will only make him worse. Think about calling CPS. Say you are worried about your stepson's behavior, that it has been dangerous to himself and others, and want to know how they can help. Bio. mom may have custody, but nobody can stop anyone from calling CPS and having an impact on the child. At this point, nothing could make things worse...hugs and take care of yourself. You are important too.

 

[scaredofhim]

I don't feel important at all today after what husband said to me last night. Heartbroken. Even though we are in our 50's we have only been married 2 1/2 years. For him to say maybe he should take SS and live elsewhere was painful to hear even if he didn't really mean it. We have had to deal with so much with husband being out of work for over two years and he just got a job in Oct. and we are trying to dig out of mountains of debt, and then all this drama with SS and bio mom. It's almost too much to bear. I love husband with all my heart and he is my first priority in life. I will definitely talk to him about CPS. Not sure if he will be willing or not but it is worth a try.....I think husband feels like I don't want SS around at all but that is so far from the truth. I am just afraid of him, that's all. I am very good to him when he is here and on the rare occasions when he is acting somewhat normal, he likes me. Thanks so much for saying I am important too, that means a lot.

 

[BusynMember]

Don't feel bad. He loves you, but you're an adult. He is worried about his son, who is still a child and going in the wrong direction. He is feeling very desperate, but neither he nor bio. mom are willing to take any steps to get him help. If you contact CPS first before somebody else does (and eventually somebody else will), they will think you honestly want to help him and will be far more cooperative. At least that has been our experience. If you do talk to hubby, ask him if he'd rather that the first steps in finding your son serious help or have the juvenile justice system do it because SS gets into trouble with somebody outside of the family? Then it is out of his hands.
My feeling is that SS is already too far gone to change, but I am no big time expert and I hope I'm wrong. These are the years he has to try to help his son or else he is giving up on him, although he may believe he is saving him. He's not.
You are a very important person, equal to your hub and his son. You do not have a child to put first or you may understand more...usually parents do put their kids needs first because they are children and we are adults. However, some parents even put their abusive, disturbed and toxic adult children first...that's when I see it as a real issue. Your husband needs to see his son as he really is...a near teen who better get intensive help very soon or he will lose him in the teen years and possibly forever. I mean...he may live with you two for a while, but he will become unrecognizable and possibly a big legal problem and maybe into drugs...his bio. mom is too weak to get him help. That leaves only his father...or you, if you wish to take that step.
We are with you all the way whatever you decide to do, but do keep yourself and your puppy safe from him. I'd carry that dog around 24/7 when SS is there and I'd try hard to stay out of his way. As for discipline? I sure wouldn't want to tick him off. I'd let your husband take his wrath, not yourself. He is the one who is unwilling to do anything...so far. One can hope!

 

[dstc_99]

It sounds like everyone is too afraid to do anything. You won't do it unless husband is on board. husband won't do it because of rumors about Juvie. Bio Mom won't do it because it doesn't exist or it costs too much.

When is someone going to stop this ball and DO SOMETHING for this kid!

You have a child who has severe issues and instead of him getting help and you all being safe everyone is too worried about themselves. You have a very small window to get him this help. The sooner the better.

The police don't always show up at your door and send a kid straight to juvie. Most of the time they talk them down and then leave. At the most they might remove him from the home but unless he is arrested for something he isn't going to juvie. Heck they might even be willing to escort him to the hospital so that BIO Mom or you all don't get hurt.

Taking him to the hospital only works if you do it. You have to start documenting, and hospitalizations work for that.

Why can't you pick up the phone while bio mom is getting hit and send the cops over? You are not there witnessing it but you are aware of a crime being committed and not reporting it. Im not 100% sure but I think if you called 911 and said my SS is beating his mother and we can hear it over the phone can you please send someone out I think they would.

Also you don't have to put parental controls on a computer you can put keystroke tracking on it without his knowledge. It will allow you to see everything he types as well as where he has been. BUT he will never know it. http://www.gomcgruff.com is the program we used and difficult child never knew it was there until we confronted her about somethings she had done. The program was very inexpensive and easy to use.

 

[scaredofhim]

dctc_99. Point taken and thanks very much for the advice, I appreciate it. Midwest Mom, I do have children, three of them, and 4 grandchildren as well, so I do totally understand husband wanting to put his son first, I truly do. Anyway, I do have some more news. Bio mom called the police and had them come by and do a report about the credit card issue, and now she is back pedaling again, telling us the cops said that they don't really think SS used her credit card because the charges weren't for things he would want. (after just telling us in that phone call the night before when she confronted SS about the charges and trying to take his laptop that the charges were for battle funds for one of his video games.) And SS was having a violent meltdown during that phone call and yelled repeatedly that he promises he will never do it again if she didn't take his laptop, so right there was his admission that he did it. Bio mom is a pathological liar. After telling us he did it, now she is trying to say he didn't. She must think we are stupid and don't remember what was said just 24 hours previously. In any event, this isn't the first time he has used her credit card, he has done it before and she even showed us the bill that time. husband and I believe he did it this time as well. We are going to our credit union today for new debit cards, because SS has used our cards before to order things, with our permission, but we are concerned that some of these sites he goes to saves credit card info and we don't trust him not to charge something. While the police were there at SS's home last night, bio mom took all of his electronics and locked them up and said he couldn't have them for two weeks. She claims he was fine with it. I am sure he was fine with it while the cops were there, but he won't be fine for long. The last time she took the stuff is when he had a meltdown so violent she had to call the police on him and they warned her the next time it happens they are taking him. This will be our weekend with him, and it's going to be hell since he won't have his laptop. He will want to use our laptops which we will not allow so no telling what is going to happen. I am very nervous about the weekend. I am sure SS will probably ask to go home early. He didn't want to stay the whole weekend the last time the electronics were taken away, and he was horrible for the part of the weekend that he was here. Please say some prayers....

 

[BusynMember]

dctc_99. Point taken and thanks very much for the advice, I appreciate it. Midwest Mom, I do have children, three of them, and 4 grandchildren as well, so I do totally understand husband wanting to put his son first, I truly do. Anyway, I do have some more news. Bio mom called the police and had them come by and do a report about the credit card issue, and now she is back pedaling again, telling us the cops said that they don't really think SS used her credit card because the charges weren't for things he would want. (after just telling us in that phone call the night before when she confronted SS about the charges and trying to take his laptop that the charges were for battle funds for one of his video games.) And SS was having a violent meltdown during that phone call and yelled repeatedly that he promises he will never do it again if she didn't take his laptop, so right there was his admission that he did it. Bio mom is a pathological liar. After telling us he did it, now she is trying to say he didn't. She must think we are stupid and don't remember what was said just 24 hours previously. In any event, this isn't the first time he has used her credit card, he has done it before and she even showed us the bill that time. husband and I believe he did it this time as well. We are going to our credit union today for new debit cards, because SS has used our cards before to order things, with our permission, but we are concerned that some of these sites he goes to saves credit card info and we don't trust him not to charge something. While the police were there at SS's home last night, bio mom took all of his electronics and locked them up and said he couldn't have them for two weeks. She claims he was fine with it. I am sure he was fine with it while the cops were there, but he won't be fine for long. The last time she took the stuff is when he had a meltdown so violent she had to call the police on him and they warned her the next time it happens they are taking him. This will be our weekend with him, and it's going to be hell since he won't have his laptop. He will want to use our laptops which we will not allow so no telling what is going to happen. I am very nervous about the weekend. I am sure SS will probably ask to go home early. He didn't want to stay the whole weekend the last time the electronics were taken away, and he was horrible for the part of the weekend that he was here. Please say some prayers....

 

[BusynMember]

I'm with dsct (hope that's right!) on this. It's terrible, but if nobody is willing to do anything about it because everyone is afraid of each other or the police or CPS or stepson, nothing will change and you can expect more of this. Monitoring the laptop is a bandaid. There is NOTHING any of you can do to help this boy on your own. If nobody picks up the ball and runs with it, things will stay as always. Can't just blame bio. mom. Your husband can call CPS or the cops...and, hon, so can you.

Hoping to hear that something was done and certainly you all have my prayers!

 

[scaredofhim]

I can assure you that if SS does something criminal while he is in our home, the police WILL be called.