Update - when the phone rings

[Triedntrue]

Acasia i have read through this post again. last time i was in a hurry and meant to come back sooner. I can not count the times my son now 38 has verbally abused me and threatened me. I totally understand how that feels. One time it was so bad i left town for a few days. I have since learned to block. I have a cell phone that he doesn't have the number to and when he has been abusive i use that phone. Sometimes he is blocked on the other which my husband has as well and the home phone is shut off. Last time was when he first went to jail for 2 months. He wrote letters. They were much more controlled. He has also called with the i am sick i am hungry and so forth. I have answered some and given sympathy but not gone to help. Sometimes he is like a toddler who wants attention. Only you can decide if you want to call. I would call first if you are thinking about going if he is not kind i wouldn't go. I have felt guilt when i haven't gone or responded but when he called a day or two later and was fine ( which he wouldn't have been if things had been as bad as he made them sound) i got over it. I will pray for help in your decision.

 

[Acacia]

Jaypee, I'm sorry you've been the target of verbal abuse from a son, too. They, sadly, sound so similar, biting the hand that feeds them. My DS is extremely entitled and defiant also.

Only by the grace of God have I had the strength to not cave to his demands, no matter how mean, nasty or desperate he is.

I'm right there with you. It takes everything I've got not to cave. And, like you, there is no way I would let my oldest son ever live with my husband and me again.

I am considering texting my son to express my concern about his health, but even as I write that, I think it is the wrong thing to do, which means I'll be right back on this site, lamenting my choice and chastising myself for thinking I could offer some verbal kindness without it backfiring. I still have a lot of work to become emotionally healthy. I try to forgive myself that I am not stronger and more protective of myself. I am trying.

Thanks to all for the support.

 

[JayPee]

Acacia,

You know what has recently helped me "a little" with not accepting verbal abuse. Older Difficult Child would tell me, "You think you're better than me" (which I think is just a lack of self-worth on his part to throw that at me). But I've come to reply..."no, I'm not better than you but I'm also not "less than" you." I tell myself that often because like we all do, I often beat myself up mentally about the circumstances.

 

[Acacia]

Thanks, Jaypee. Every little tip helps.

I don't know that it was the best choice, but I did text my son a brief message showing concern and sending love, but also saying that because of his recent behavior I did not want to talk to him. I felt better doing that, but I had to unblock his number to do so. As I expected, the request for money followed because he had been hospitalized and unable to work. I wired $100. He thanked me.

I imagine that he'll be asking again, and I will need to block his number. I reiterated that I don't want contact now, but received no acknowledgment or amends. Sigh, didn't expect different.
What is hopeful though is that I haven't been thinking about him and beating myself up. I feel sad that he's been sick and is not changing, but I am not mentally working overtime and worrying myself about what I should do. However small, that's progress.

 

[Triedntrue]

Acasia, i am glad you found a way to handle it that both held your boundaries and let you feel some relief at the same time. They are really fast when you take off the block aren't they. Mine is the same.

 

[Beta]

Thank you Overwhelmed and Across for the kind thoughts. I couldn't get to sleep last night until 3:30 and woke up with a heavy heart. I know many of us have that experience.

I still haven't decided what to do. To contact my son feels awful. To not contact him feels awful, but I know he hasn't changed, and I still am and may always be the bad guy. He's stuck at the developmental stage of when he began using, which was early adolescence.

Hurting, trying to take my time....

Acacia, I've been out of town the last week and have just reconnected with the site. I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing. It's all too familiar, however.
Two weeks ago, our DS contacted me, saying he was hungry and needed some money for food, having just been able to pay rent on the room he rents and left with little for food he said, and would I send him money since it was his birthday. I relented and sent it to him. I even called him and talked with him for the first time in months. Although not exactly remorseful for his past abuse, he said something about "trying to turn over a new leaf." Long story short--within less than a week after sending him some money, he has been right back at his verbal abuse and namecalling, calling me the "b" word, "whore," the "c" word, etc. I had to block him again just to make it stop. And like you, I'm torn. On one hand, I don't want to experience more abuse, but on the other, I feel so sad, and my thoughts will turn to images of his being hungry, etc. Either way, it feels awful.

Acacia,

My heart goes out to you. My oldest son, almost 31 has always been verbally abusive towards me when I don't give him what he wants. I have not spoken to him since August and continually turn him over to God. I thought time was healing him and making him realize that he can't treat me this way and expect me to help him financially. At the end of December he got a voicemail through because my block expired under my plan and I wasn't aware. It was the same ol' same ol'. Telling me he's got registration due in January, license renewal, car problems etc. All this in a yelling, demeaning manner and then wait for it...yup tells me he's sure I won't help him because I'm too much of a b*%*%. Really? Who does that? Who says that and thinks someone will still reach out to help them? I guess to answer that, he thinks I will, because I have in the past. So many times I cannot count. Only by the grace of God have I had the strength to not cave to his demands, no matter how mean, nasty or desperate he is.

Even with all that my heart still hurts for his horrible situation but I try to not dwell on his misery. I have had to replace my focus of dwelling on him to thoughts of prayer and uplifting for him, my other son and myself.

Jaypee, I wonder the same thing about our son. He continually verbally abuses us both with text messages, but doesn't hesitate to ask for money when he needs it. It boggles my mind.
And even when he does it, like you, I still hurt for his situation. It is so hard not to allow your mind to dwell on the miserable lives these kids are living. I pray constantly for our son but it is so hard to give them over, and I know I don't do that very well.

 

[Beta]

Oops. Messed up that last quote of yours Jaypee and got my response mixed up with yours, but anyway, the gist of what I was trying to say is that our DS does the same thing---verbally abuses us in one breath and turns around and asks for help in the next breath. And, in spite of the horrible things he has said to us, we still hurt for him.
Even after a week of verbal abuse from his text messages, I still want to reach out to him and tell him we miss him and love him, despite knowing what type of response I will get for my trouble.

 

[JMom]

Acacia,
Sorry that you had to be the object of his anger. You deserve better. You were really strong to go so long without contact. Sometimes you just have to do what you can live with. I had several of those days. I think you are doing great. We love you!

Jmom

 

[Acacia]

Thanks all for the wonderful support.

Beta, I am sorry you're the recipient of this level of verbal abuse also.

Even after a week of verbal abuse from his text messages, I still want to reach out to him and tell him we miss him and love him, despite knowing what type of response I will get for my trouble.

I think it's natural instinct as a parent to care, but I am getting stronger and better at holding the boundaries. Whether I reach out, it does feel bad, but not for as long or as deeply.

Love and support to all.

 

[Beta]

Thanks Acacia. He's still on a verbal rampage but I blocked him again, reminding myself that I do not deserve to be abused this way. I worked very hard to be a good mom to our boys as they were growing up, to provide a home that was peaceful, comfortable, and loving, and I am not going to put up with it.