Well M has my son down to a T. It still cuts a swath through my innards to think of how deceitful my son could be. And have no remourse just rage and demands.
I think it is helpful, albeit sad, to remember that these are our adult children and they are
drugknapped.
Addiction is a selfish beast.
It knows no other thing than where the next high is coming from.
We become targets because of our love for our d cs.
We are easily fooled and manipulated.
It is a whole different world than what we were taught, or what we taught our d cs as children.
Addiction and drugs are the enemy, the vile, insidious beast that has captured our d cs.
As long as they are using, they will try to use us.
Try not to take it personally, LBL, Copa (Leafy), as hard as it is , this is not about you, your husband, M, or anyone else that becomes a target.
It is all about feeding the beast.
They really become like toddlers, throwing temper tantrums.
They want their way, no matter the consequences to anyone else.
It is not a personal thing.
Once I began to think like this, I could remove myself from the hurt of it.
I can remove myself from the hurt of it (remember Leafy).
I start to look at it objectively, rather than subjectively.
Understanding the beast and removing the emotions of it, enables me to move forward and
think more clearly.
Fake it till you make it, Leafy.......... and breathe.
Slow down and think, don't feel it, think it.
In the thick of it, in the FOG, all of those emotions swirling around, is how the beast would have us remain, unable to think on our feet, lacking reason and judgement.
Slowly melting into puddles of despair, weak and feeble, we become as ill as our d c's.
Pulling out of the swirley whirley, feels strange at first.
Cold.
Decisive, calculating.
Well then.
Isn't that how our d cs are treating us?
Yup.
It's not a tit for tat thing.
These are war maneuvers.
We are in a battle.
We have to be clever.
Stoic.
We are not only fighting against the beast of addiction, we are fighting our own propensity to go synchronistically down with the ship of it.
What do we do from there at the bottom of the deep, devouring sea of emotions?
We drown.
Wail and beat our breasts, our every waking moment spent on what is happening with our kids.
What are the kids doing?
What they want.
I would give my right arm to change this.
I know this is an idiom, I actually looked it up because I couldn't find the word in my brain,
idiom.
From Google, ahem, my current university
Origin: A similar line, “
I'd give my right arm” was used in the early 1600s. After the American Civil War, the government enacted a special pension for soldiers who lost their limbs, so the
idiom was linked to the huge compensation for war-related injuries and accidents.
I'm sorry, I am not trying to pull apart your words, or mock the deep sorrow you have, the outrage.
Believe me, I have been there many, many times and have to work hard to prevent myself from going there over and again.
I won't give my right arm, because my two would want the left, and my legs, too.
It is quite apropos that this idiom was used related to war.
Because this is a war.
It is a battle of emotions and nonsense.
It makes no sense that our beloveds would choose as they do.
But they do.
As long as they do, they look to us to pull them out of their consequences.
Tactical war maneuvers.
Addicts are smart.
They strike at the very thing that would betray us.
Our hearts.
ABRACADABRA (Thank you Copa, this really describes the dark magic of it)
In an emotion driven state, it is hard to think.
We become confused and sad.
Desperate.
Struggling for answers.
Seeking ways out for our d cs.
In the meantime, are we living?
Not really.
What are the kids doing?
What they want.
I must steel my heart and anticipate all outcomes. If he decides to plead to get out he may well get time served and probation. He will on his addled mind attempt to come home. If he does I will call the police as one of his conditions will be no contact with his victims.
Yes, LBL, you must steel your heart.
Not let your sons choices and consequences
steal your heart.
It does not mean that you are
hard hearted, it means that you are
thinking.
You are being objective, rather than subjective.
You are learning and saying, "My son in the throes of addiction, is capable of this, and this, therefore, I must be this, and this."
Toddlers throwing tantrums.......in an adult body.
Okay, so we must be the parent.
Rather than throwing our own emotional tantrums, guts churning, hair pulling, we have to rise above.
There within, lies the work that we must do.
Rise above.
If we start to look at this as imperative to our d cs survival, shift the focus there, to rising above, it helps to start to come up out of the swirley whirley, the deep dark space where lamentations occur.
Oh my word, I can just remember that drowning feeling.
It takes my breath away just writing about it.
Because I have been there so many times.
Rise above.
Swim up, up up to the surface of it, where you can start to think more clearly.
Imperative to our d cs survival.
That we rise above and we are quite aware of their manipulations.
Steel your heart.
Strengthen and embolden yourself.
Each day, take time to clear your mind and
not think and emote of your sons situation.
Reserve some time for yourself, your husband.
You both matter.
Your son is in jail, so for the time being, you have some freedom from all of this.
You have some time to breathe and build your toolbox.
You have some time to work on rising above.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy
