Walked out of my life

[flutterbee]

I can see the attention-seeking behavior in her claims of being in jail, rehab and a drug dealer. But the thought also crossed my mind that maybe she won't be held to higher standards if others think this is the kind of person she is. Maybe it's an insecurity thing so if she messes up, she doesn't have so far to fall in the eyes of others. In other words, others' expectations of her then are pretty low and she doesn't have to live up to much. I could certainly be way off base on that, but I just thought I'd throw it out there.

This guy sounds like bad news all the way around. Unfortunately, the more you try to push him away from your daughter, the more she will want to be with him. Hopefully with counseling, she'll be able to see him for what he is.

I'm glad you found this board.

 

[KFld]

Sorry she didn't show up. Sounds like she has gotten herself into quite a relationship that will not be easy, if she ever decides to, to get herself out of.


Maybe what you need to do at this point is stop living your life around whether she is going to call or show up, and just somehow let her know that when she is ready to make positive changes in her life, you will be there for her. You need to detatch with love. Let her know you love her, but you can't support the choices she is making at this time in her life. I'm sure you will be the first person she will run to when she needs help, so let her know that is when you will be there.

I guess if you don't have contact with her, this might be a little hard to tell her, but is it something you could text message?

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

KFld hit the nail on the head. You are going to make yourself absolutely sick if you spend all day worrying whether or not she will call you or stop by.

Read KFld's signature:

"Using the serenity prayer to get me thru each and every day"

 

[Kriss]

wasnt there anything you could do? did you inform the police or do a missing persons report? i know some states have different things that they do when people are missing. sometimes if the person is over 16 theres not much they can do.

i have a feeling she will find her way home.

 

[dlgallant]

I found her and police did a "welfare check." They said if they felt she was in imminent danger of hurting herself they could hospitalize her, but they determined otherwise. She has pending charges against her for stealing my car which the prosecutor is trying to use to force her into counseling. But they've been trying to serve her with a summons rather than arrest her on a warrant. So far it's been fairly easy for her to avoid being served. At one point she went with me to the court house to pick up the summons, and they couldn't get the paperwork straigthened out and she went back underground again. If she doesn't appear by the end of this week they will likely issue a warrant. I don't want to see her in jail, but right now it's better than on the street. This is the longest she's ever stayed gone, I'm still trying to hold onto hope that this will pass and she will find her way back home.

 

[witzend]

Welcome, and big hugs to you. My son did something similar when he was 17, and we have not seen him in years. It's very hard to say, but it does get easier as time goes by. I honestly don't know any longer how I would feel if he showed up at our door. I think about him often, though. Usually with regret that he isn't happier. I can't regret what my role was in his getting to where he was, because there really is not anything I "did" or "didn't" do. I was just a mom, doing what mom's do. Perfect? Heck no! But was I as he sees me? Absolutely heck no!

As a point of observation, I would offer that not only has God not done this to you, whatever "it" is, it hasn't got much to do with you at all. This time, it's all about her. She is doing this to herself. We are just observers in our adult children's lives. To be sure, some people get to observe their happy well adjusted adult children, and even get asked for advice. These parents always need to bear in mind that the advice may not be acted upon :wink: I'm sure it's much easier to observe our happy kids than it is to observe the out of control ones. But as adults, we really can't make their life choices for them. They get to do that all by themselves, and all we can do is stand back and watch and hope that no one gets hurt. Like watching them learn to ride a bike or drive a car.

My other thought is, her sudden druggie like behavior may be a change, but can you be absolutely certain it's fake? Do you UA's that are clean? If she has been running away two or three times a year, drug or alcohol abuse doesn't seem like a great leap. And there are very popular highly addictive drugs that can make a mess of a person in a matter of days.

I know that thought isn't much comfort, and I hope that you are right that she is faking. But honestly, in all of the years I have been reading people's stories, "faking drug use" is not one I've ever heard before. I've heard "it's not that bad" (unfortunately it usually is that bad), and denials that it is an issue in any way shape or form, but it sounds as though you might want to talk to some people who know more about her situation to help you understand what is going on. Unfortunately, I think we don't ever get to know "why". In the long run, "why" doesn't matter much, anyway.

Good luck to you.

 

[dlgallant]

She ran away multipe times in a 1 year period over a year and a half a go. She was tested all 3 times when she returned and regularly since. All tests have been clean. I'm no longer sure of anything in her life now, but before she left the drug use was absolutely fabricated. I caught her carrying my perscription strenth ibuprofin (which looks like a lortab) and found out she would pass it off to friends as she was taking a lortab. She's made up an entire fictious life. She claims to have had 2 children she put up for adoption, that she's been in jail, re-hab. Even that I was in jail for possession of cocaine. I'm concerned eventually she will end up on drugs if she isn't already. But I'm more concerned about her seemingly delusional life she's leading.

 

[witzend]

I wish I had more advice to offer. Letting go is a long slow process which we do for our kids whatever their state of mind is. Of course it is harder when their behavior is so irrational to us. In hind sight in my children's lives, my worries about them only made a difference to me, because they couldn't have given two cents about me or what I thought or wanted. You're a long way from that, and rightly so. I would refer you again to the Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

(my children's choices)

courage to change the things I can;

(me)

and wisdom to know the difference.

Remember, life is a marathon, not a sprint.

 

[DDD]

My computer is acting up...bummer. Just want to try "again" to
post a little to your thread. Bottom line is...she knows (she does not think but actuall knows) that you love her and that you
are there for her. That has to bring solace as you go through this wretched time. Some of the difficult children here have convinced themselves otherwise and that is a huge worry. Your daughter
KNOWS..so no matter what choices she makes now, the comfort of your love is in her heart and soul.

This CD family is comprised of lovely and caring people. I am
glad you found us and hope you will find the comfort that so many
of us have found. Hugs. DDD

 

[Hound dog]

Debbie

I'm so sorry this manipulating jerk found your vulnerable difficult child. :frown: difficult child that she may be, her past has made her vulnerable.

As I was reading I was thinking maybe you could file a missing person report out for her but I see she had been in contact since she "disappeared". I thought maybe doing that would help you to at least locate her.

The only thing I can think of is for you to be as open and welcoming to difficult child as possible when you do have contact. Let her know how much you love her and enjoy her company at every opportunity. Hopefully this reinforcement of positive and genuine affection and love will help her see this guy for who he is eventually.

Saying a prayer for both you and difficult child.

((hugs))

 

[branbran]

Oh God, I just don't even know what to say. Im so sorry for your troubles, it sounds like you have too much to bear. I'll never understand why God gives us life and then makes it so painfull. How much can one person handle for pete's sake? Try and think positive thoughts. I know how much easier it is for my to type than for you to do. Considering that statement is very hypocritical for me, I am the least positive person I know. I worry and worry and worry. I wish I had some magic words for you.

I'm so sorry about your son, I can't even imagine how hard that must be for you. He is in a better place now, he is free of all of life's pains. He is walking through life with you and your daughter, he's your angel.

My prayer's are with you. :smile: