Trying, my son is also living with the fallout of alcoholism. (Also other substances, but I really think the alcohol has been the biggest problem for him.) He is currently homeless, jobless, and out of friends he can sponge off of. I hope and pray your son is able to turn things around before it gets to this point.
I’ve learned over the years that the less I try to advise, persuade, or lecture the better. He knows he needs to stop drinking. He knows when he doesn’t show up on time to a job he will lose it. He knows when he is drunk bad things happen. He also knows he is responsible for his own choices. When I engage with him, either getting angry or going into rescue mode, I am trying to take responsibility for those choices. I can’t.
Some phrases that have been especially useful for me with my two always-in-crisis children:
- That sounds really hard
- I’m sorry that happened (resist the urge to add ‘but it’s your own fault’ - they know that)
- Things sound really tough right now
- Why do you think this happened?
- I know it’s tough, but you can figure this out
- I know it’s hard, but I can’t fix it for you
- I know it’s rough, but I can’t help you until you’re ready to help yourself
- What are your ideas?
- What are your next steps?
- What do you think might help make this better? What can YOU do to make that happen?
- Let me know what you decide to do about this
- Let me know when you think you’re ready to get sober
- I know you know what you need to do. I believe you can do it, when you’re ready.
Shifting from anger/frustration/blame to these kinds of statements hasn’t fixed things - obviously - but it has transformed my relationships with both of my difficult children. They don’t expect me to fix or rescue anymore. They know I have boundaries. But they talk to me, and when they do they are pretty open about what’s really going on with them. They are more willing to take responsibility for their own choices when I’m not the one telling them it’s their own fault. When I say it, they go into defense mode, and it’s a battle. When I pull back, they are able to be honest with themselves and me. Does that make sense? I have to get out of Mom mode - fixing, guiding, telling - and just try to listen as a non-judgmental friend.