wastedpotential ~ welcome to the board!

[wastedpotential]

Nancy,
Same, but opposite order. difficult child went to college first and we had a terrible experience with him. He got arrested for dealing and expelled from school. He was living in his friend's truck and crashing in frat houses until his court date. He was 5 hours away. We went for the court date and the judge dropped the charges and we took him home.

easy child went to college three years later and we were kind of shell shocked and anxiety ridden over it. It has been smooth sailing! She is excelling in her courses and making wonderful friends. She just got invited to be in the honor society. We are like, Wow, so this is how it's supposed to be. Nice!

 

[AmericanGirl]

I wish I had another child. I know I did my very best. I was the kind of mom who read everything, who nurses 14 months while working, etc. i have no guilt....only tremendous sadness .

 

[AmericanGirl]

Toughlovin,

Just want to say your post was exactly what I needed tonight.

Detachment is two fold for me...from difficult child....amd from the issue, the fears. The first is okay, primarily cause I am so angry at his coninued verbal abuse of me, lies, and irresponsibility.

The second is harder. That is the jump when the phone rings. The ordering a security system. Etc.... Gotta remember an addict = a liar. Cannot trust difficult child now.

Anyway, thanks....i am concentrating on maintaining and improving MY life.

I am glad to hear things are better for you. Hope you have a great week!!!

Oh me too..... I am so thankful for my easy child daughter who makes me realize that difficult children problems are not all my fault!!! Two kids growing up in the same household but oh so different!!!

And I really see detachment as having two parts... the external and the internal. So the external is what we show our difficult children and that is where sometimes we absolutely have to fake it til we make it. There have been many times where I have sounded clear and distant and "call salvation army" but have been dying inside, and have sobbed myselfl to sleep.

The internal is when we start changing ourselves a bit so that we go on with our lives, find some serenity and happiness in spite of what they are doing. I feel like this past week I started doing that in part... I realized that I was not going to let difficult child ruin my life... I was able to sleep, focus at work and have some good moments. To some extent I had to fake til I made it here too... but I was more successful at it than I have been before. And I still felt sad and had my very sad moments... but I was not sobbing myself to sleep everynight... although I was worried. I don't know how long I could have done this without falling completely apart though.

TL

 

[pinevalley]

Hi WP: Welcome to this community! You have come to a very caring community of parents who understand what you are going through. Never in a million years did I ever think that my son would be a drug addict, failing his classes at school, and that now he is someone that I really don't even like. I'm sure that you will find strength and comfort in the words of so many of the parents on this forum. Just keep reading and posting.

 

[lovemysons]

Hi Wastedpotential,

I can so appreciate where you're at...trying so desperately hard to keep your son at home and help him all the while he doesn't seem to care enough to help himself!

My young difficult child (23 next month) is currently in jail. He is an alcoholic...for awhile it was pain medications but now absolutely alcohol.

This past summer, husband and I, kicked young difficult child out of our home. He was already on probation for a Felony because he spit at police 3 yrs ago. Yes, spitting at police is a Felony, sigh.
Anyway, he went to his mother in law's home and hit his wife's car windsheild with his fist (while drunk) and because his 2 children were in the backseat and granddaughters forhead had a tiny bit of blood on it, he was arrested for "Reckless Child Endangerment". Soooo, now he has been picked up for violating his probation because of this new arrest.
I have no idea how long he will remain in jail.

I am presently trying to investigate "Sober houses" in my area for when young difficult child gets out of jail.
I tried EVERYTHING in my power to keep him at home and safe after last arrest. I poured out many bottles of alcohol that I found in cabinets, closets, in the back of the garage and in the backyard...trying my best to keep him away from it. We had told him that we would not allow alcohol into our home or he would be asked to leave. Well, I did not follow through. I did not want him to be on the streets. I was scared.
Needless to say...My fear only prolonged the inevitable. No, he didnt' get into more trouble while living at our home this last time but he is still in jail.

I have an older difficult child. Boy, was he Difficult to handle...Master Manipulator! Charming, good looking and always trying to find out all he can so that he can stay 3 steps ahead of you. Tons of potential too. He started using Cocaine at around age 14...Both he and my young difficult child were sent to Rehab for 4-6 months.

Recently, this past year, oldest has decided to become sober. He is using church to help him. But he is now a bit of a "workaholic" instead of an alcoholic/drug addict. He has spent time in prison for stealing over 10K worth of computer equipment from a former client of my husband.
I am relieved that my oldest is working on improving his life and is sober. husband gave oldest difficult child a 1 yr chip (we had around our house since both husband and I are also recovering alcoholics) 2 days ago.
We want him to know that we celebrate his "new life".
There were years and years of thinking that death was the inevitable for oldest difficult child. Thank the Lord WE were wrong.

I have to try and remember that they are not finished yet.
There is hope...and all the lessons we tried to teach them as children, all the opportunities and good things we provided, can come full circle.

I also understand having a easy child daughter.
Ours is at college with a full ride bowling scholarship. She, too, is amazing!!!
Yes, many of us did "do something right". smile.

Glad you found us. That was nice of whoever directed you here.
LMS

 

[dashcat]

Welcome to this wondeful place WP. This is a place where you will gain wisdome, get support and feel less aone.
Dash

 

[exhausted]

I too have one difficult and one relatively easy child. I have done everything I know to be a good mom. I don't believe in the blame game. I think we do our best at the moment. Sometimes are better than others. Many people try to throw the blame at us-I refuse to catch it!

As a teacher for a lot of years, I have seen just as many great kids come from nonresponsive parents as great kids come from great parents.( I always wonder how such a great kid makes it in such a horrible situation) I think we as parents are only one small part of the child rearing arena. When you look at children from birth, they come with temperaments. I think the fit of their temperament and the environments shape them as well. When they start school friends and classrooms have a lot of power as well. I think you are plain lucky to get an easy kid. (Of course there are extreme situations of child abuse etc... that don't fit here)
The way they get along with their siblings and dad matters as well. What feedback keeps coming at them and how do they respond? When you look at greatness in this world-many of these people have had less than great upbringings. These people seem to be born with some resilience that many of our difficult children just don’t have. I look at our own daughter and often ask, why she could not have weathered the horrible abuse she went through, like another local girl who got national attention and is now in college and has done so well? Temperament? Predisposition to addiction and mental illness?

I think of all the mothers in the world, the mothers who come to this board (and like places), and day after day fight for their kids and their own sanity, we warrior moms deserve recognition, not blame.

 

[rejectedmom]

Hello WP and welcome. I had the fortunate experience of having a peditrician tell me the same thing. "It's not you because you also raised PCs". We all need to hear that especially when so many people are so quick to place blame on the mom.