Well, its finally his day in court

[Jabberwockey]

And I cant help but wonder if he will remain calm and do what needs done or if he will turn it into a train wreck. He has already commented that he doesn't want to do community service and I'm honestly not sure of the job situation. If he still has a job, he hasn't had any hours in over a month. Not sure if they've fired him and he hasn't fessed up or they're just refusing to give him any hours hoping he will just quit....or if they have fired him and he's just never bothered to check in with them since asking to be put on another crew. Neither of these circumstances bodes well for his chances to complete the plea deal that Lil arranged. Not my circus, not my monkey.

We did find out something good yesterday though. In spite of our son screwing up our tax situation, our accountant can straighten it out without it costing us much.

 

[in a daze]

And I cant help but wonder if he will remain calm and do what needs done or if he will turn it into a train wreck. He has already commented that he doesn't want to do community service and I'm honestly not sure of the job situation. If he still has a job, he hasn't had any hours in over a month. Not sure if they've fired him and he hasn't fessed up or they're just refusing to give him any hours hoping he will just quit....or if they have fired him and he's just never bothered to check in with them since asking to be put on another crew. Neither of these circumstances bodes well for his chances to complete the plea deal that Lil arranged. Not my circus, not my monkey.

We did find out something good yesterday though. In spite of our son screwing up our tax situation, our accountant can straighten it out without it costing us much.

Hoping he does ok but sounds like you're not counting on it. Which is wise.

Has he been applying for jobs? What does he do all day?

 

[Jabberwockey]

He says he has been but, and lets be brutally honest here, he lies a lot. Especially about that.

 

[Lil]

Yeah, he lies a LOT.

Court has come and gone. I was horrified by his appearance. He looked like he hasn't bathed in a week, greasy hair, baggy clothes. I'm actually surprised the judge didn't say anything. He had 60 days to do community service, which has to be paid in advance. He still has no job.

So, we'll see. I just can't make myself have any hope. So I'm trying not to care.

Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[Jabberwockey]

At least he didnt blow up like I feared. I guess that's something.

Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[pasajes4]

It is all on him. You did what you could.

 

[Echolette]

Lil,

I know you put a lot of effort into this. It must have been hard to see him coming in a mess. I hope you can rest your mind in the place of knowing you did your best for him. He will do what he will do. It is out of your hands now.

Hugs to you and Jabber,

Echo

 

[Nikimoto]

I think of a lot of things reading this, first of all HUGS, so much hugs, how utterly awful. Second of all was some advice from a family counselor who was also speaking alone with Evan back when he agreed to go. You are done raising your son. He does not need anything more from you. If you keep going out of your way to prepare things for him, he has no say in the matter, let him hold his responsibilities. Let him be, he doesn't even want your help. Evan lies a lot too, like all the time, almost everything out of his mouth is a lie. In arguments with my eldest son he feels like he is supporting him now, though it was his choice to move him in, I remind him his brother is an adult, and he continues to choose to support him, that is his choice alone. He said, similar to you, that he will let his brother stay free til the end of this summer, but he has to find work or figure something out once he graduates. I would say if. But trying too hard to help his brother has strained my son and his new wife, though I warned them. And trying to help your adult son is straining you, and you have to start putting your well being first. Buying him some time, paying his rent, spraying raid, he could do on his own. But you have to be able to step out of his place now, and let him realize he has to take over, and he has to start pulling his own weight and paying his way in the world.
He is grown. You are done raising him.
In my honest opinion, if you can safely lock up your home and belongings, you ought to leave on a vacation and shut off your phones. Let him know his issues are not at your forefront. Love him with all your heart and let him face his own consequences.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, dear.
How heartbreaking.
I am soooo sorry.
Just to see him like that ...
I hear you.

 

[Lil]

I know you put a lot of effort into this.

Legally? Not so much. I walked in and played lawyer for 10 minutes and the PA gave me a deal. Given he has (had) no priors and is only 19, it was a good deal, but nothing exceptional. Emotionally? I told him I'll never do it again, and I won't. I won't put myself thru it again.

Let him be, he doesn't even want your help.

Oh but he does. He wants us to do everything for him. If he didn't, he wouldn't even tell us about these things.

But you have to be able to step out of his place now, and let him realize he has to take over, and he has to start pulling his own weight and paying his way in the world.

Yes...that would be what he got pissy about today outside of the courtroom. We were early and I took him aside and reminded him that he HAS to get a job. That he will have 60 days to pay for his community service and court costs and if he doesn't his SIS will likely be changed to a sentence and we don't want him to go to jail, but we WILL let him...we won't pay these fees.

Apparently, I'm not supposed to say such things, because he already knows, I've said them before and I don't have to repeat myself....like I didn't have to repeat myself about looking decent for court. Which I did...but it did no good.

God, he looked like...I don't even have a description. He's always been skinny and pale, but he's worse. Hair greasy clear to the ends. Smelled like an ashtray. Back in private practice, I'd have chewed my client out for showing up like that...and I did him too. He told me that he showered yesterday. smh Maybe, but he hasn't washed his hair or cleaned his fingernails in weeks.

Anyway...he now knows he has until May 13 to get everything done. We'll do nothing else for him on this.

 

[Jabberwockey]

paying his rent,

And for the record, the ONLY reason we are paying his rent right now is to protect my credit since I had to co-signed for the apartment. The original deal was (and yes, I knew then that it was a bad idea and that he probably wouldnt hold up his end of it, so sue me) that we helped him get the place and he paid the rent.

 

[Lil]

he original deal was (and yes, I knew then that it was a bad idea and that he probably wouldnt hold up his end of it, so sue me) that we helped him get the place and he paid the rent.

He had a job. It was nights and he got kicked out of the shelter so he had nowhere to sleep in the daytime. He was finally working and the thought was he would sleep there days, work nights, pay his bills, hopefully straighten up once he was away from J-2. Of course, four days later he got arrested and within a month or so he was out of a job. So...yeah.

 

[wakeupcall]

O.m. Gosh. This is my son over and over and over.....I want to cry....for you, for me, for all of us. I'm so sorry. All you've done, we've all done...for naught!

 

[Tentimesaround]

I am so sorry as well Liz and jabber! How painful to see ur child in that condition. I will often say things to my daughter knowing I shouldnt. I think it reaching out just to see if the person you once knew is still there! I struggle everyday with the "why"s of these situations! I don't know how yet to move on and stop torturing myself wth the whys. I pray for u that your son will find himself and grow in to the strong independent young man you raised him to be,

 

[in a daze]

I wonder what's with the poor hygiene. Substance abuse? Depression? Both? Would he go back to the therapist?

 

[SeekingStrength]

Lil & Jabber,

This probably won't make you feel better, but just to let you know I understand. Truly, husband and I both do.
ONE of the times our difficult child was to appear in court, he was not there. husband and I freaked and drove to get him because we were terrified of what would happen if he did not show. Granted, this was in the early days, before we knew not to get involved, best for him if we stayed out of it. difficult child was about 19 at the time.

We drive to where difficult child was staying. He agreed to ride back to court with us. He was unwashed, dirty WITH A HUGE BLACK EYE. Apparently, he had gotten into a fist fight the night before with the brother of the friend with whom he was staying.

Awesome courtroom appearance. NOT. I cannot even remember the judge's decision. Heck, i cannot even remember the charge(s). As I said, this was early on. Much happened since that day.

 

[Nikimoto]

I obviously don't know you or your son, but just from the outside looking in, he lets you help because you keep doing it. I understand about self protection due to cosigning, but he is older than I thought at 19 and you even defended him in court, though he is the wrong, and that tells him it's ok somehow. Let him keep telling you about these things, but I wonder what would happen if you stop jumping through his grimy hoops? If you answer his concerns with more questions such as, "What are you going to do about it?"
If Evan winds up in court, not only will I not be there, he will not be invited home anytime soon due to shaming our family with his disgusting behavior. He will not find me bailing him out. He will not my support in his self destruction. He knows we want him to take his best chance in life, and that does not include treating me like a safety net when he knows he is in the wrong.

 

[Jabberwockey]

and you even defended him in court, though he is the wrong, and that tells him it's ok somehow.

We didnt defend him in court. Lil arranged a plea deal with the prosecutor. He pled guilty but the help was more about him not having a conviction. If he does it again, he's on his own.

 

[Lil]

Well, all I can say is I'm a lawyer. When your kid gets in trouble and you're a lawyer, and it's municipal court so he can't use a public defender, (which I originally told him to apply for when I thought it was state court), you help. Maybe you are right and I should have done nothing...abandoned him...disowned him...refused all support, both legal and moral...cut off my only child completely. But as he'd never done anything illegal before I was not willing to sit on my hands while he ended up with a record to follow him for his whole life for such a minor crime when anyone who could afford a lawyer wouldn't have.

I think if you knew more, you'd see how few "grimy hoops" we jump thru.

 

[Nikimoto]

I'm just saying I was sorely mistaken in assuming he was recently 18 and you were attempting to help him understand that independence involves paying his own way. Sorry for the assumption. I wouldn't suggest anyone disown their only child, but if you want to be obtuse, there you are. I would never defend or pay for defense of my adult child should he cause legal trouble, so it's hard for me to read your struggles while it seems he feels entitled to all of your free help. I had friend back when my elder kids were little who was constantly bailing her one daughter out of jail, watching her kids, buying her stuff, it never ended. I got suckered into giving her my outgrown stroller before some other moms warned me of her enabling. She wasn't a lwayer, jailer, or cop, just another beleagured mom who thought she was helping her messed up kid. She was really telling her kid to keep getting in trouble, keep screwing up, it's always fine since mom is running behind you to clean up and pay for it. It baffles me how parents think this way, and I am sad to see you so upset over your adult son and his personal problems. Yes, I do believe parents need to cut off some contact for some time. At least the purse strings and the family gatherings in some cases. I won't invite Evan to my son and daughter in law's reception dinner due to his repeated performance of raging and stirring up nonsense. Let alone his former vandalism and theft from our house, he simply isn't welcome here 'at this time'. I can hold out hope he decides to change, and I can stay my boundaries. It's the only safe choice for my small children and family in my home.
You made the comment once you wished you had a perfect child so you could prove you weren't a bad mother, and I feel the same way, but I have to argue I have no perfect children. My elder two kids are successful in their life choices, they neither strive for some idea of perfection nor like me very much right now. Also, whenever Evan attempts to threaten or otherwise blackmail me with ideas of my being a bad mom, I refuse to buy into his deranged tactics, and I refuse to jump through his hoops. I didn't deserve his guilt trip any more than you do. We are supposed to be in this together as parents, and I appreciate your input as I hope you appreciate mine. But what I see is a grown man conning his parents into continued enabling. You have the right to shut off the gravy.